Saturday, 20 June 2009
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Should I Feel Something When We Have Sex?
I had sex for the first time today, and I felt nothing. No happiness, no guilt, no nervousness. It felt physically good of course - amazing actually, but in terms of emotions, I felt nothing at all. I feel like there has to be something wrong about me, some disorder. The guy I had sex with, we were together for 2-3 years before we broke up because we moved farther away from each other. We eventually caved and started talking, laughing, and kissing like we always did when we were a couple. One thing led to another, and we ended up having sex today; it was the first time for both of us. The thing is, I don't care. We might as well have taken out the trash together instead, and I wouldn't feel any differently.I know I have strong feelings for him - we call each other every day, he's always the person I call when I'm unhappy, and vice versa. However, I feel like there's something wrong with the way I feel emotions. When I'm furious with him and he begins to cry, I'll feel completely apathetic towards him, even though he very rarely cries. It's not as if I want to purposely give him the cold shoulder; I just can't feel anything while he's crying. A week or two later, I might have a sudden pang of sorrow thinking about how miserable he was, and I'll feel horrible, as if it was happening that very moment.
I think my lack of emotions in both cases is related, and I feel like I'm really missing out on the joys and sorrows in life. I don't want to pass through life being callous and unfeeling, knowing the right words to say when my loved ones are upset but not actually caring how they feel. That's only something the heartless would do. Tell me what sort of disorder I have, or if I need to go see a psychiatrist - I'm considering it.
Is it normal to not feel emotions when having sex with someone you know you nearly love?
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Comments (83)
Sure, everyone is like that with people they nearly love.
I think the keywords here are "having sex with someone you nearly love"
You don't love him. So the emotion part of it isn't there. It was just sex, nothing more nothing less.
I would definitely consider seeing someone, just to talk out these delayed feelings and explore your options. That doesn't sound normal, and it could certainly be something hormonal/fixable.
Hmm tough to answer. I had sex for the first time a little while ago too. Mine wasn't good though. It was with my boyfriend of a few months, and I knew he would be the first for me when we first started going out. I don't think I love him, so that's not why we did it. We just... did.
But for you, I don't know. My first time was painful. I also didn't feel anything, emotionally, I mean, so I don't think you have a disorder. My second time was just yesterday, and it was good and I got all giddy after. I felt emotionally attatched to my boyfriend after, kind of clingy, actually.
Anyways, I don't think you have a problem. Maybe you honestly don't have feelings for this guy, even though you think so. I'm not sure, but I think someone will know for sure. I think you should see a psychiatrist or someone just in case. They could help you and tell you exactly what is wrong, or what isn't wrong.
Hope that helped somewhat.
Perhaps you're putting too much into it. I'm led to believe if you did not care at ALL you wouldn't need to write in here, nor think about it. Honestly, I am overly analytical of my own though process on certain issues, perhaps you are as well. Either way, may you find love.
you love him like a friend, not a lover.
It's not wrong to not feel anything. When I had sex with my current girlfriend (which was my first, as well), it was enjoyable, but nothing special. I figured out later that it was because I wasn't sure what to expect, so my mind was nowhere near the right mindset. Anyway, the point is that, within a month, my sex life improved by a factor of a hundred. Maybe this is how it is for you, maybe it isn't. But, the first time is quite a bit overrated. Once you both know what to expect and know more ways to do it, I have a feeling it will become a lot better for you (and, not just physically; emotionally).
I am very similar when it comes to my emotions about my relationship. My girlfriend is in a state of constant love and happiness, and I tend to be just "there." But, every so often, I am hit by a huge of "Holy shit, I am in love". So, I figure it balances out. Hope this makes you feel not alone. :D
I disagree with the people saying you aren't necessarily in love. I was the same, and I was totally in love with her. So, yeah...
I wouldn't know- I haven't had sex before. Maybe because you don't love him yet?
I've never felt any sort of emotion to anyone I've had sex with. And I love my boyfriend so much, I really do. But honestly, I feel no emotions at all during or after. To me, sex is completely physical and there is no prerequisite of being in love or any of that other nonsense they spoon feed you in health class. I honestly believe it's normal not to feel anything. And I, too, disagree with the people telling you you're not in love. Only you can know that.
I think it was just your first time.
You'll learn to enjoy it..
no there's nothing wrong with you.
You know, depression doesn't only necissarily cover someone feeling sad all the time. Sometimes it comes through in not having feelings at all.
Sex is different in some way or another for every single human being on the planet. Don't worry to much about it the first time. It starts out wierd and gets better as time goes on. Kindof a learned skill.
@fatal_is_life@xanga - agreed. Sounds to me like this is best friend love, not boyfriend love.
that's kind of like me too. a little emotionaly impaired. i've been told that i should go see a counselor, but it's all up to the individual you know
You don't really love him.
I wouldn't know since I've never had sex before.. but I'd say because you're not IN love with him as a bf type of thing, you love him as a friend.
hun, I don't think this is really about sex. I'd say go for it. The doc can reassure you if nothing else. I don't know if it's normal but I don't think it is ... quite. Maybe it's just the wrong guy, but it doesn't sound like you think that's the reason and more like your gut tells you theres something in you that wants to talk to a pro. go for it! no shame there, quite the opposite
There's nothing wrong with you at all. I think people romanticize the idea of having sex way too much in the media and everything that we expect to feel this greatness of emotions. I'm not saying that you can't experience emotions like that when you have sex (because believe me, you can). I'm just saying maybe you're feeling the pressure that society puts on that subject, and that can make you feel like something is wrong with you when you don't feel anything about it. Obviously you felt some twinge of something if you're writing about it thought... Just my opinion.
if you feel emotionless only at the first time of sex...then its prob just the first time..
but it seems like you feel the same way outside of that...and like prob everyone else said..maybe you just dont love him?
@MattFreakinNix@xanga - Agreed. Lol, we're emotionless jackasses. I love you.
Anyway, no, there's nothing wrong with you (the poster). People react differently in different situations...that's what makes the study of the human mind so hard. Everyone is different. When I have sex with my boyfriend, it's atypical that I feel amazingly connected to him. We apparently very rarely "make love". My thought is that we're so comfortable with our emotions and we don't have to constantly validate them with actions or words that we can just enjoy sex for what it is and not typically worry about who's feeling what emotionally. It's not a big deal.
Anyway, good luck with this. I felt the same way when I first had sex...sort of. It turns out the dood wanted nothing to do with me. He even felt less than I did.
If it's not "normal", then you, Matt, and I are all in the same boat, and you're not alone at the very least.
@Dustin_wind@xanga - @fatal_is_life@xanga - @labellacreativa@xanga - @bukeshow@xanga -
Based on what? You guys seem to be speaking pretty concretely about a situation there is very little info about.
@The_Eclectic_Dreamer@xanga - I totally agree. The media blows it up to epic proportions. There's a whole huge section about that in a Human Sexuality textbook I got for my college class.
Try telling a "I want it now!" virgin that, though. They really think they're missing out on something big. o_O;
@MattFreakinNix@xanga - its probably not enough info to really tell. In my experiences sex seems to have a lot more emotional ties when your in love i would think she would feel them if it was true love. hope your not the boyfriend
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - Just so you know, your comments always make reading the entry worthwhile.