Friday, 19 June 2009
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My Soon-to-Be Mother-in-Law Doesn't Like Me
Hello Datingish fans! I'm going to try and make this short and sweet. I have been with my fiancé for almost six and a half years. We have been to hell and high water. I do mean through everything together. Moving on, sometime last year while living together, I had this fear that our life wasn't going anywhere and I ran. A little less than three months later, we started talking again. We've been through so much for so long that we both made up our minds, that we both want to be with each other. No one and nothing is going to stop us.
Moving more along, well, these past couple of weeks his mother (my very future mother-in-law) has been harassing me through e-mails. She talks about how I don't love him and that if I were a real woman then I would have just run and stayed away. But in my head and heart I don't feel that way. I have told my fiancé and shown him all the e-mails and messages. He understands that I am not starting this problem.
The thing is, I'm kinda worried about how (if she keeps this up forever) then this will undoubtedly affect some of our future for at least his side of the family as far as when we get married and when we have kids. I know I'm looking way into the future, only because we are in our mid twenties now. I don't really want her to hate me forever, but another part of me says if she really feels this way about me, I don't care even though somehow I should care, because she is the mother of my soon to be husband.
I guess my question is, would I be stupid if I just didn't care about how she feels about me and just be happy knowning he wants to be with me no matter what anyone says? Or should I try some how and some way to get back on her good side for his sake?
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About the Author
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- From: HeavenlyDeath85@xanga
- About Me: The truth is,you could slit my throat,and with my one last gasping breath, I would apologize for bleeding on your shirt." There's a point where you just don't deserve anything you're going through.
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Comments (28)
Well, she's goin to have to deal with this no matter what.. I'd say talk to your bf about it more, and ask him to explain to his mom.. she might as well get used to it.
I'm sorry, my future mother-in-law and I are tiiight, for which I am very grateful
I'd say that you should try to get on her good side. But if it's obvious she isn't going to change, then you're just going to have to ignore her. Be nice to her, but ignore anything negative she has to say. If he loves you and you love him, then no one else's opinion should matter. Outside negativity can really affect things, but only if you let them.
I think it's awesome that you say "No one and nothing is going to stop us." I respect you deeply for having that mindset.
Maybe you should go and talk to her in person. Have like a meeting and try to figure out things. But no matter what- just be NICE to her. It's hard... but you need to be in the right so there is nothing against you.
get your husband to be to talk to her.
he should be gently telling her to BUTT OUT
yikes. i think you're going to have to play nicely with this one. i know it must really suck, but she is his mother, and he should be the one telling her to respect you. if you are utterly respectful and kind to her, it'll make requesting her cordiality much easier for the poor guy stuck in the middle.
lack of communication and (mutual) understanding. maybe she doesnt like you cause you ran away once. spend some time with her and let her know the real you and who you are and maybe she'll start thinking of you differently or shes just afraid to lose her son to "another woman". its a mother thing. what you shouldnt do is ignore her/the problem and pretend like nothing happened cause you're all going to be family someday right. shes going to be in your life and your going to be in her life no matter what, thats fact. cant deny it. besides you should face your problems instead of running from them. people say your just marrying the guy/girl not his/her family but its so not true.
1. Ignore her. She doesn't know what she's talking about.
2. If he doesn't stand up for you, ignore him. You deserve better than just six years of being comfortable with someone who won't stand up for you.
She's his mother. I hope he's not one of those boys that finds a woman to stand up to mommy for him. :( Those are the worst.
as difficult as it might sound, you'll have to keep your fiance/soon-to-be-husband out of the middle... we won't love you less just because our mothers tell us you're not good enough... if we see that you're trying the best you can to make it work, we'll actually love you more for that... but if you cause more drama, we start believing what our parents say... try to respect your mother-in-law and get on her good side... if she persist with the harassment, stay positive... she'll eventually see how good you are...
ignore her, it's not her relationship.
I'd say for one try to explain to her what happened before and how you really do love your fiance and see what happens.
But i can give you some different perspective...my dad's mom did a similar thing to my mom however she didn't really have a reason she just decided she didn't like my mom. (my dad's parents are just really fucked up but that's another thing entirely....) its a hard thing to live with but as long as you and your fiance have a "we can get through anything together" mentality then you'll be fine. as for your future children, i would doubt that your mother in law would treat her grandchildren badly or treat you badly infront of her grandchildren.
most likely once she realizes that you are really in it for the long haul and really do love her son then chances are things will be ok.
one...he should let his mother know her actions are wrong. she may not change the way she feels but u guys need to stand up against the emails!!! she doesnt need to be harassing u!!! find a way to agree to disagree...and dont let her feelings affect ur feelings....and no matter how nasty she gets treat her with respect and kindness....and ull grow on her...most mother in laws eventually see that they have to let go and let their son live their lives...and even when they make mistakes...let them live through it and learn from it...hold on girl!
and the man up there is totally right!!!! dont put ur fiancee in the middle of this....he should at least make sure the harassment stops but beyond that ...he...nor u ...can control her actions or how she feels!!!! ull just have to show her in time how good u are and how much u do love him
I'd say it depends why she's upset...
if she just thinks you're worthless because she's afraid of losing her son, there isn't much you can do other than show her that you aren't taking her son COMPLETELY away from her, and that you're a wonderful woman who will take care of her son =)
if she's just spiteful...again, nothing much you can do for her =P
if you've offended her in some way...then just say sorry for whatever it is and that you didn't mean to (unless you did =P...then you might have some problems =P)
overall, you have to find out WHY she doesn't like you...and if its you SPECIFICALLY or just any woman who would take her son away from her =P
Wow, Im almost glad my mother in law refuses to acknowledge my existence!!!
Well, I've always said, you're marrying your BF not his family. but it's only part of the truth. If your BF is close to his mother, you're in for hell.
The best thing I would say, if she's this openly mean to you, open up a can of bitch and hurl it back at her: "Im sorry you feel that way, but as per your son's request and my feelings, I'm here to STAY. If you don't like it, go ahead and don't talk to me. See how many tears I cry."
or if you want to be nicer, "I'm really sorry you feel that I'm not good enough for your son. He seems to have a different opinion. Isn't your boy's happiness important to you? He's happy, so am I. I really don't think it would be best for ANYONE if I ran away and stayed away. Both your son and I would be miserable, because we DO love each other. I wish we could at least get along, for your son's sake. I know our disagreements really stress him out."
Im really sorry you and your mother in law are in such disharmony. As I said, my husband's family (except for his father, it seems) really doesn't seem to like me (they have never met me), and don't really seem inclined to ever get to know me. Want to trade? :P
You hurt her son. Put yourself in her place and ask what you'd do?
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if you can get back on her goodside, you should. I mean, I am going to tell you bluntly. The people that say you marry the man, not his family, are completely WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG. When you marry a man/woman, you are marrying their family. Some families get in the middle of it just because they are nosy, some do it because they care, others stay out of your business and let you have a life. If you do not do something about that, then you will probably have to put up with her bitterness forever.
Thanks for all the great advice!
While you are your fiance should want to be together regardless of what the mother-in-law thinks...in reality, it is going to be an issue...FOREVER. She's not going away, so you should try really hard to get on her good side. I have a feeling she may eventually turn around, but you're going to have to possibly put up with a lot of flack, and keep your mouth shut, because anything you say or do can and will be remembered. You are going to have to be a perfect angel to him, and his mother before she will come around. And it's probably going to wear you down.
But if you really love your fiance then it will be worth it, but just know that it's going to possibly be a LOT of work. Good LUCkThat's pretty harsh. You should do something about it now before she starts to be angry and distance herself from her son. If you can get on her good side, try. But sometimes there isn't anything you can do. Just distance yourself from her but try to be respectful at the same time :/ Maybe you can tell your future husband to talk to his mom ..
Hope things work out.
She has a right to be pissed off at you. After so long of being together you cut and ran....you showed her that you
1) didnt care about her son or his feelings
2) you were not cut out for a long term committment like marriage if you are just going to run out like that , you wouldn;t be able to handle marriage and what it will throw out at you
3) you give up easily
4) your weak and pathetic
5) probably a slut and left for another guy and when it didnt pan out or you couldnt hack life on your own you came to suck her son dry again
6) you are immature and do not deserve her son or their family
She is protecting her son and her family with every right. Just perhaps she seems something in you he does not and wants to keep him from getting hurt.
You need to prove to both him and his family ( especially) her that you won't run again and you love him.
but before you go on, decide , can I handle this...if i feel i'm not getting enough ( fill in the blank) will I run once we're married or if i feel our marriage isnt going anywhere will i run? am i willing to stick this through thick and thin ( money loss, house loss, job loss, potential cheating, cancer, moving, ect)>....if yes then prove it to his mom...and YES YOU need to and should...
DO NOT come between them or make him choose he will end up resenting you for it..and do not push his mom to make him choose either.even if you win out you will never truely win out..
And i think you need to grow up a bit first...
i do not think you deserve him by the sounds of it..
Ooooh! This is like Monster-In-Law. I think that was the title of the movie. :X
I'm sure eventually...she'll get over whatever she's mad about and accept yall. :D
family is a really really strong thing.. my nana always told me that don't even bother trying anything with someone if it's going to disturb a family, considering she thinks it wouldnt be worth the hassel and constant uneasyness. obviously this is her problem though. but still, you needa just tell her how you feel and make her understand ya know? i think it's totally worth it if you love him as much as i think you do :)
Your boyfriend and you should sit down with her and you tell her how much you love her son and that you want to be with him...that's why you're both engaged.