Friday, 19 June 2009
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It's Me Vs. His Mom
So I've known my BF for a couple years and we recently started going out. We've dated for about 3 months and I guess things are going okay (there are issues I want to rant about but I'll complain about those later in another post)
His family and I are pretty close. We've been close even before we started going out.
I always knew his mom had major temper problems. She's a really nice person to outsiders, but when she gets mad at my boyfriend, man, its like Godzilla tearing up the city.So during our three months, there have been a lot of things that have bothered me.
Example: One time he promised me he'd spend a Wednesday with me because we hadn't been spending much quality time together. That Wednesday morning, he tells me that hes gone to the states with his mom, because she told him that she wants to. He did ask me the night before if I wanted to go, but I really didn't feel like it. He didn't even come home till, like, five in the afternoon. I was so upset with him because he promised me that it'd be MY day, but just because his mom asked him to, off he goes.
To add on, his mom also gave him a curfew. Me and my boyfriend are the same age, and we're in our 20s. Yet its almost like he's Cinderella and MUST go home before 12, or else she calls him and gives him hell.
Throughout all this, he knows it's an issue and I've talked to him about it. All his answers to me are, "well, what can I do? I can't do anything; shes like that."
I don't want to break his bond with his mom and him. I mean, who am I to change the way she manages her family, right? Yet it's really becoming a pain in the buttocks...it's like dating his mom at the same time
Have any of you gone through the same problem? Is there a solution?
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- From: lovesucks
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Comments (42)
I think you should break up with him, right now.
I think you should have a really big talk about it with your boyfriend...
I think you should talk to his mother and let her know how you are feeling. you're both adults and can deal with this in a mature and rational matter.
I mean it could go two ways: she takes offense and hates you -or- the latter and respects you for coming to talk to her and gives you more space.
Trust me mothers adore their sons. They love them to death. what she is doing in not to spite you but then again...it could be. It just not her real intentions. Mothers' like to have their sons to themselevs and its hard for them to let go and for there to be 'another women' in their little boys lives.
But I think if even the two of you speak to her at the same time things could get better. :) him speaking to her alone...ehh not a good idea because I have a feeling he is the type of son to just nod and say yes to whatever she may say.
I don't know what other complaints you have about the relationship, but I think that if you don't want to stand his behavior, the best thing to do is to break up. You've already talked to him and gotten a response. He might be right; some people are just like that. Maybe you can try talking to him again. This time, you could make sure he doesn't give you an answer like, "she's just like that." If he does, then you know what you can do. Good luck!
Guys with moms like that had them all their lives, so rarely will they change. If he cant stand up to her, the relationship may not work.
if it makes you feel better, at least you are denied for his mother
my boyfriend doesnt want to hang out with me sometimes because of video games ; _ ;
but really, i think that you need to talk to your boyfriend about it. That really does sound like the answer to everything, You need to just like let it alll out and telling him to man up and stop being a momma's boy because it's driving you insane. If it doesnt work out, and he still picks his mother over you it doesnt sound like it would be worth it.
haha. At my college, our curfew's at 11. So you get to see him one more hour that I do!!! lol. But he is living at his mother's house. Usually the rule of the house is that if you live there, you abide by the rules. Just respect the mom, and if it keeps bothering you, talk to your boyfriend and explain the situation.
Really really talk to your boyfriend about it.. is she gonna control his life forever? No. He might as well man up and NOT get a curfew.. I mean you're in your 20's! seriousssly.
Make it clear to your boyfriend that you're not happy about this. You don't need to demand all of his time, but it's definitely a problem when he lets his mom have so much control over him when he's an adult. You need to put your foot down and tell him what's up. In turn, he needs to put his foot down with his mom and tell her that she needs to chill. If he's not willing to do that, leaving him is probably the best choice.
when you date someone, you date their family as well.. it's one of those inevitable things
try getting on his moms good side?
 CURFEW IN YOUR TWENTIES????? WOW. I TRY NOT TO BE BIASED BUT DAMN
@mz_d0rkabl3@xanga - i am on his moms good side...
thanks everyone for the comments..
maybe i wrote the blog sounding like he "doesnt' really care" but he does...its just i guess..i wish he would take more actions and be more brave to talk to his mom? its almost like hes afraid of her.
and talkin to his mom...i dont know..i think ill just end up her hating me...
im stumped..i guess if things really become an issue then it'll only end in one direction..
I think his mom will appreciate you respecting her rules for her son. I also think the rules are an issue between him and his mom, and the only thing you can really do is talk to him about why he doesn't argue with her -- but be careful not to push the issue too much. My mom is kind of like that, and I can tell you that it's harder than it looks to get certain parents to ease up on rules. I always found it really, really frustrating when my friends would pester me to convince my parents to ease up and I knew that wasn't possible.
eventually he's gonna have to make a decision if he's gonna stand up to his mom for your or take her side but it's always hard because she's the one that gave birth to him and you're his love. who's to say who's right and who's wrong? i've always avoided these relationships like this because my mom and step-dad go through this problem all the time and he's a mid-forty year old man. i guess i just don't have patience for a man who still clings to his mother all the time.
well what can you do? he's always listened to his mom and the way things are, that's how it's always will be. all you have to do is learn to understand and just deal with it.
Let him go. Guys like this...aren't worth it. If he won't stand up for you here, he won't stand up for you anywhere. I dated a guy exactly like this (only worse; his mom and dad verbally abused me and he let his mom go through my purse and backpack without protesting when I wasn't there to look) and I realized he's just a momma's boy.
Not. Worth it.
I think you just have to deal with it. Perhaps on days when you have a special day planned and his mom decides to take him out, he needs to stand up to her and tell her that he has other plans already.. As for the curfew, if he's still living at home, I think the parents call the shots, but maybe he could talk with his mom about having a later curfew, especially since you are both in your 20s.
it's obvious he lives with his mum.
so, her house, her rules.
if you're looking for a solution, moving out together looks good, but having said that, you don't want to rush things (mind you, my bf & i moved out after a few months together.. but óur situation is entirely different. lol)
good luck!
honestly in my opinion what ur going through is like nothing!! I think ur being selfish that he canceled on u to do something with his mom......u may not understand what is behind it. the only problem i see here is yalls in ur 20's and he has a curfew...thats the only thing...if he still lives with her he should respect the curfew and u should respect the fact that he has to respect his mother....he should either be on his own or yall going to deal with it til he is on his own. i was married to a man that had a mommy son connection gone bad...so thats why i can say yeah ur being a lil petty....ull lose him cause a man rarely ever chooses a girl over his mother...and he should never have to!!! if u want him u should respect him...all u can do is encourage him to stand up about the things that are wrong...but there isnt n e thing wrong going on here. n e ways ill tell u what is a wrong situation....when ur mother in law is jealous cause her son treats u like a princess...when ur mother in law is jealous because her son and his WIFE went to the movies...when ur mother in law is jealous that her son buys his WIFE stuff...when ur mother in law hates u just because ur white and american and not fucking bengali....yeah...i could go on but its too much....byes!
When you date someone, you essentially date their family as well. These problems are occurring fairly early in the relationship. They will only escalate. If you feel this level of annoyance now, it will be worse in three years, worse than that in five, and so on. You should really take a look at the relationship, and decide if it's worth it to you. If not, the sooner you get out, the better for everyone involved.
I'm sure he's a great guy, but there are a lot of great guys who have controlling mothers. That relationship is not going away. Good luck!
uh, in his 20's and he has a curfew? daaamn.
talk =D talk to his parents if he's not a man enough to talk to him first. I mean he can't be liking this curfew thing too much either...and it shouldn't take you to point that out to him =)
if anything, you could suggest for him to move out, if it's financially possible. that'd sort out the whole curfew thing...most parents have a "my house, my rules" attitude...so if its no longer their house, its no longer their rules =D
Rule number one of mama's boys: The mother ALWAYS wins. Take off the boxing gloves m'dear- you already lost that war. Find someone who isn't tied to his mothers skirt. They do exist. Somewhere.Â
Living at home means home rules. Just 'cause he's in his 20's doesn't mean his folks aren't in charge of their house. It's cheaper if he's trying to do college (which is in your benefit if the relationship is serious), so you'll have to put up with it.
If he's working and not schooling or schooling part-time, you can put the screws to him to move into the dorm or rent a room. Then he can do what he wants.
You just can't tell his mom she can't have rules in her own house. I haven't had to deal with this yet since my kid's only 10, but eventually he'll be dating, and if his future girlfriend came to me and said 'I don't like your rules,' I'd be inclined to say something like, 'That's just too f*****g bad, young lady.'
My ex and his mom were just like that. He was a little momma's boy and took her side even when he knew she was wrong. His dad backed into my car one night and he was drunk, and his mom kept saying it was no big deal and that he (my ex) should break up with me because I made huge deals out of everything. Needless to say, she's still a stupid bitch and he's a loser and I'm glad I left him.
I think you should re-consider the relationship you have with him. Think about it this way, do you want his mom to be your mother-in-law? If you stay with this dude and you get married, are you willing to put up with her ALWAYS being on your case? He may be a great guy when his mom isn't around, but she'll always have to be number one in his life. I'm sure you can find someone else who is willing to make you their number one. =)