For the record, the definition of transsexual from Merriam-Webster is "a person who psychologically identifies with the opposite sex and may seek to live as a member of this sex especially by undergoing surgery and hormone therapy to obtain the necessary physical appearance (as by changing the external sex organs)"I started dating him last July, and I fell hard, fast. Three months into our relationship, I knew that we had developed a strong bond; I felt like I could tell him anything. When it came to sharing our deepest secrets, we both knew that our walls have been broken down by each other, leaving us naked and vulnerable.
It was that one cold October night when we were laying on the cold pavement at 5 a.m. that he told me of his desires to be a girl.
It's interesting to think about, really. I would never have imagined that he would have such desires. He was a typical boy, or so I thought, completely focused on his sports and other extracurricular activities. Granted, I never thought he would ever hold interest in me in the first place, my sad joke being "I swear he doesn't like girls!" before we started dating.
Upon hearing the words spill out from his mouth as he broke down in tears, I could do nothing but hold him close to me. I promised to love him no matter what, and that is a promise I know I can keep. Even so, the months leading up to now have been difficult.
He would shyly ask me for what he desired, for what I considered to be the simple pleasures in life: he wanted to feel pretty and feel soft fabrics against his skin. We went out to buy him the clothing he so wished to have. How could I say no? I see nothing wrong with him cross-dressing. After all, society is what places a gender upon articles of clothing. We simply follow through with it.
So I got him what he desired. Pairs of underwear. A skirt. A few dresses. A couple of headbands. A bikini. A bra. Was it so wrong?
Oh, how it thrilled him to be able to sleep in such clothes. He would never wear it out into public, and he promised me that this "issue" would not progress any farther. He loves me with all of his heart, and that I do not doubt. He promised to never leave me for a gender change, though he has considered it before he met me. I keep him grounded and serve as a link to keep him wanting to stay a male. It hardly bothers me, the fact that he is transsexual. I only wish that he could feel a bit of freedom from the constraints of society.
His parents disapprove so thoroughly, for it goes against their family's Christian beliefs. They wish to purge him of this "childhood fantasy" completely, calling it a silly addiction. Yet I truly believe that it was something born into him and that he is truly transsexual. Because of the mixed opinions that he is receiving, my boyfriend has no idea what to do or how to feel. He is now seeing a psychologist, yet it has been doing very little for him.
I find myself mothering him frequently, holding him close and trying to soothe his conflicted soul. It hurts me to see him so trapped, unable to find an escape. His mother has finally refrained from throwing away every article of feminine clothing that she has found in his room, yet she disapproves completely of how I supply him with what provides him with such joy.
It has been nearly a year since I've started to date him. We are both young, just going into college this coming fall, yet we know- we absolutely know, that we are meant for each other. We have spoke frequently of our future together, and his gender issue continues to remain as part of our talk. It has been nearly a year since his problems became my problems.
He continuously questions whether I can handle it or not for the rest of my life. I'd like to think I can and that I am more open-minded than many of those around us, yet I am still concerned. He believes that he can stop cross-dressing if he truly motivated himself to do so, but he would be unhappy with that decision. I do not want that. Am I making the right choice, attempting to make him happy in such a way?
Has anyone else dated someone who is transsexual? How do you feel about transsexualism? Do you think it's just a "twisted childhood desire" like my boyfriend's parents, or do you think it's something my boyfriend was born into like I do?
Comments (59)
My ex boyfriend Stephen is like that. We dated for 3 years. He never told me a thing about it. Then again we were young when we dated. We did stay friends. And he is in fact my BEST friend and i love him to death there isnt a thing i wouldnt do for him. A few months ago he called me upset saying he needed me. so i went to his place. He was crying. He asked me if i loved him. I told him of course i do and i always would hes my best friend. Thats when he told me about his cross dressing. Since then, i have been his personal stylist and everythin. There is also a cross dressing forum board he goes on i can get the link too if your boyfriends interested at all. Its really helped stephen out.
wow, i don't know what i would think...
i have no problem with transsexualism, but i don't know how i would feel about dating someone like that.
call me close-minded, but i want to date a guy who WANTS to be a guy. somehow i don't think that is the same as dating someone transsexual.
@MagicallyDelici0uz@xanga - That's so beautiful. I'm so happy for you.
Sorry I haven't. But I think honestly what was suggested by Magically Delicious, is good advice. Online forums are really helpful. And ultimately he's the one who needs to make a decision as to how he wants to live his life. I'm sure it'll work out for both of you in the end. Just keep doing what you're doing and being supportive. You're a great girlfriend.
@beetunes@xanga - i agree.
@MagicallyDelici0uz@xanga - you are a beautiful person for that. i hope that i can be as strong for someone as you were for your ex.
@beetunes@xanga - there was no question about it. he is my best friend and i love him to death. there isnt anything i wouldnt do for him.
When we love, we tend to love the other person for everything that the they are; flaws and all. But as I've gotten older and issues about marriage and starting a family arise, the question would always be: If you think that something is wrong with you, would you want to have children? A simple example would probably be... eczema (sp). A friend of mine has eczema, extreme case of eczema and he said that if the doctors can prove that this comes from heredity, he would not have children. So do you think you're okay with your children being born with this "gene"? It's a possibility... I dont think there has been any studies to prove that at 100%, but you know where I'm getting at. I don't know if your future with him even reaches that far at this point but that is definitely an issue if you two do decide to start a family together someday. Best of luck to you!
Very interesting blog. I was actually just talking to someone today about this very topic, although in my friend's case, the person went through with gender reassignment. Anyway, I think it is wonderful that your boyfriend has someone who loves him unreservedly. I doubt that this is "a phase", but it may also be that once he has the freedom to wear what he wants and express himself whenever he feels like it, that it may not be so strong of a desire. I would suggest you also look for "soft things" in men's clothing, so that even when he is out in public, he can be wearing something he finds comforting.
It is sad to me that people are so hateful to complete strangers. I wish you both the best of luck in your future.
@MagicallyDelici0uz@xanga -
Damn you're a fucking awesome friend I seriously respect that. I myself know that if my best friend, boy or girl, wished something like that from me, I would do as you did. I do not know you, but i really, really respect you!I am a transsexual (female-to-male) at the early stages of my transition. I'm not on hormones yet nor have I had any surgeries, but I've been living as male for over a year now and plan to legally change my name within the next half a year. I've been dating a girl for two months now and it's a lot like what you described here: "I find myself...frequently holding him close and trying to soothe his conflicted soul." I am often in pain because of the conflict between my body and soul, and my parent's perceptions of me vs. society's, and she is constantly holding me and reassuring me. I know that your partner is male-to-female, but my only resource I can offer you is the TMatesFTM channel on YouTube; it's a group of girls (and one guy) who are dating transguys (men with XX chromosomes), and their experiences with that (by topic). It is very useful and informative... my girlfriend and I watch their videos individually, and together when we can. They're more meaningful to us because I'm FTM than they would be for you but it's truly my only resource. Also I recommend Kate Borenstein's Gender Outlaw because, well, I just do. All else I can offer you is my support. I'm willing to talk to you. And there are several transsexual women who are here on Xanga who would be more than happy to talk to you, I'm sure of it. Best wishes. And like someone before me said, be very careful with your partner's heart. <3
@beetunes@xanga - @dictionary____dreams@xanga - What about a transsexual female-to-male? That's a guy who *wants* to be a guy... and has to spend his life fighting for it.
Gender is such a fluid concept and I think it's fantastic that we're finally coming to a point in our society where we're more accepting of people who are something other than the traditional gender role. My ex liked dressing like a girl and often expressed desires to be a woman. His parents (as far as I know) knew nothing of it, mostly because it was clear they would have reacted the way your boyfriend's parents did.
I supported him for as long as I could, because I felt the same as you. The reason he's my ex is because it turned out he really likes guys but that's unrelated. The point is, you love him and if you can support him as a he or a she, that's what really matters.
@xthread@xanga - i think that is a different story. you want to be a guy, and i think that qualifies enough for me.
@beetunes@xanga - Just wondering. I think I would feel similarly, actually.
I don't have problems with transsexuals; I tend to feel bad when people look at them weird or make fun of them. I know a lot of close-minded people also wouldn't mind hurting someone like that, so I worry for their safety.
However, I don't know how I would feel about actually dating one. Never been in that situation. My boyfriend prefers being a guy and I like that. :)
Thanks for clearing up the idea of a transsexual for me, though. Aas ofr the idea of being a schildhood fantasy, that to me is kind of harsh. After all, anyone can dress in women's clothes when they are young, but that doesn't mena they are going to grow up wishing they were women (There were times i used to walk in my mom's high heels, when I was a young lad.) When he grows up and really feels like a girl, then it's whatever. Realy, it's all on the parents for at least questioning how they got to that, rather than pushing him to the bleiefs of trying to adjust to being a different man under organized beliefs of said parents.
You're a wonderful and strong person, many people would not go to these lengths; let alone except someone who is a transsexual. I've never been in a situation like yours, I haven't even met a transsexual face to face. I think they're normal; just like anybody else. But just like everybody else, they're unique. In a way that is less acceptable in todays society, and certainly more discomforting than most unique traits. I believe they're born that way; not that they're going through some odd phase.
it is their choice being a transsexual and i have nothing against them, however dating them will be a bit of an issue
This is beautiful. It's so great that you are so open minded, I mean I know people in this world are slowly opening their eyes to the fact that there shouldn't be such things as gender stereotypes and that people are free to make their own choices without the judgment of others. and i think it's awesome that you're standing by someone you love.
I agree with your view, I do not think that it is some silly little phase people go through. i dont think there is anything at all wrong with being people a transsexual.I have never dated one, and if i loved them enough i don't think it would matter.
I love this story. You are awesome! I hope your relationship continues to be good :)
That's an interesting issue - I've thought about it before but it never came up. I'm bisexual so I wouldn't have any issues dating either way (male-female or female-male) and I think it would make a relationship very unique (in a good way!). The couple trans people I have met are all great people, but I think the fact that they don't conform to societal stereotypes causes people to become uncomfortable. The same thing happens with other groups (like goths for example) and society tends to ostracize them unfairly.
Kudos to you for being supportive of your boyfriend. It's certainly a difficult decision to make, and I'm glad you're giving him enough space to make it his decision.
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An awesome post. Thanks for posting this. I've considered having my girlfriend blog about how she deals with my female identity. Id love to talk more if youd want