Back in May,
I posted something to Datingish regarding my current situation with my husband (henceforth in this post referred to as my ex.) I was basically asking should I be dating? Is it okay for a woman in my spot to be seeing other men? Whatever the answers were, I've since realized that I'm not ready to date.
But while I'm not ready to date, I'm definitely ready to have sex again. This is my new dilemma, because for me to have sex with someone I need to have a relationship with him. Okay, he doesn't have to be my boyfriend and we don't have to be in love, but I do need to have some sort of friendship between us. A certain level of comfort and trust.
Unfortunately, I don't have a friend to fill this role and even if I did I just gave birth to a baby nearly two months ago. I have a new body shape and stretchmarks that I'm uncomfortable with someone seeing. From everything I've heard from other women, the first few times after giving birth are not altogether pleasant. I've been told it's better to have sex with someone you feel comfortable with and blah blah blah.
So I asked my husband, who I am in the process of divorcing. If you read the post you'd know it's his choice to split, not mine. I put it across very clearly: in no way did I think that sleeping together would somehow bring us back together or change the situation in any sort of way. It would just be sex, plain and simple. I am capable of doing that with him. I just need someone I feel comfortable with (and despite everything I still feel comfortable with him and I still trust him.)
He turned me down.
Ex: "I'm not going to have sex with you, because that will complicate things."
Me: "Not for me."
Ex: "Well it will complicate things for me."
Me: "Why? Because you're already sleeping with someone else?"
Ex: "No, I am not sleeping with someone else. Or seeing anyone else. I haven't had sex since we split. It's because we're getting a divorce!"
Me: "So? It's just sex, ex. Clearly you're capable of having sex with someone you don't love. You apparently did it for three years of our relationship. But whatever, I'm not going to beg you." He acted so offended that I would even bring it up. Which, why should I really be surprised? Everything I do or say these days pisses him off and offends him in some way. My presence in a room is offensive to him.
So there are several questions that stem from this whole dialogue between us, the first being what does his refusal really mean, if anything at all? Does it mean he has feelings that he is repressing and sexing me up would bring them to the surface? Does it mean that he is sleeping with someone new and doesn't want to complicate that relationship by sleeping with the wife he is supposed to be divorcing?
Is it common for men to NOT want to sleep with their exes when it is so blatantly being offered to them with no emotional strings attached?
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Comments (28)
Sex with ex doesn't work for me. It did complicate things, even though I promised myself it wouldn't.
I wouldn't take the risk. Go out and splurge on a really nice vibrator. Might not work for long, but it'll work while you think of a better way to please yourself. XD
well i've never been in that perdicament (spelling) but i can only imagine that it would be akward and just complicate things....mixed feelings could accumulate and just be awful i'd imagine
and i'm not sugesting hooking up with a stranger but i'd find some other way of pleasure
First of all, I think you're asking all the wrong questions. I'm not putting you down because you have needs. I feel the same way when it comes to sex too. I can't just open up and sleep with just anyone. However, I'll have to hand one of his two testicles back to your ex for declining because it will complicate things. Although you say you're not doing this to win him back, but bein physically close with him WILL complicate things. The reason why we can't simply sleep with people that we have no "attraction" or "connection" with is because it's an emotional attachment that we have towards having sex with the other person. So in some ways, it will bring back emotions that doesnt need to resurface.
Now, whatever REAL reason he has for declining, should not matter. I'd say invest in a toy. Fuck it. A need is a need. Besides, even if there are no strings attached, he's still getting "off" from sex, so don't give him that satisfaction. Don't let him have his cake and let him eat it too. I'm saying this because I was in your shoes once (we were never married) and if I could turn back time, I would take it all back. He didnt cherish me or the relationship when he had it for 10 years, so why should he get ANYTHING out of it now? That's the way I see it. I know its easier said than done, but its doable. Good Luck!
It will complicate things with him emotionally even if he is the one who wants to split up with you. It's not the brightest idea to sleep with a soon to be ex who is splitting up with you even if you do feel comfortable with him and just want him for sex with no strings attach. In the mean time, find other ways to pleasure yourself and get comfortable enough with your body so you can do it with someone else.
a divorce is where you pretty much end things forever, right?? sex is one of those things. I can see both of yall's points of views on this. I had an ex I would go to for the lovin and that's it after every breakup and then I saw that it was hurting him. there were still too many feelings left in it.
that's probably the same thing for your exhusband.
I recommend getting a vibrator. That is what i plan to do now that i have just broken up with my bf, this way if i am ever feeling horny then i can turn to my trusty vibrator rather than my ex.
Good luck
You need to move on and that means move on; don't spend emotional energy on him, don't deal with him when you don't have to (except for divorce and child raising stuff), and for goodness' sake don't sleep with him. It would keep the moving on process from happening. Like everyone above said, buy yourself something nice that will help with the physical side of things. You deserve someone who cares about you for who you are and that can certainly happen, but this guy isn't going to do it. You deserve better. Coming back to him in any way is not the direction you need to be going. Good luck!
I tried to bring up the subject with my ex-husband too....b/c I was in the same boat as you. But I never asked for 2 reasons. One reason was b/c I knew he'd shoot me down b/c he's a jerk and would have been too entertained with the situation and two being he cheated on me and so was still (and two years later, still is) in a sexual relationship with that same girl he left me for.
But I know the feeling and the reasons behind asking him to. I have still only been with one person since my ex, and that was someone last summer who I dated for a few months casually, and felt comforable with. Still though...sadly, my ex was way better in bed than the summer boyfriend.
Now I have a new boyfriend but we're trying to wait on "that" so haven't yet....so we'll see, stay tuned.
I think it'd be really awkward. Ex-sex is different when it was just an ordinary ex-bf or ex-bf. But an ex-husband? Really, that'd be awkward. Especially in the process of divorcing. I don't think it's any more complicated or filled with meaning other than the fact that it'd be more awkward than enjoyable. The act itself would seem appealing but the before and after, thinking about what you just did, seem like it would be filled with regret, lol
@Mangonese@xanga - Right...a vibe is the way to go...and the toy will never turn you down, when your ready for pleasure.
@blufrogz37@xanga - Unless you run out of batteries, which has happened to me.
Luckily my then soon-to-be boyfriend gave me some.
even if you say you're going to be okay with just sleeping with him, it's not going to be easy dealing with your feelings AFTERWARDS. We (generally women) think we can handle having sex with our exes (I'm speaking from experience) because it makes logical sense to do it with someone I once loved, that I can still trust and who I'm comfortable with since it's been done before. However, emotional stress does stem from this, no matter how confident you are NOW about the concept of having sex with an ex. Sexual satisfaction does bring joy and happiness, thus GOOD memories of the relationship eventually resurface as you laugh, enjoy the sexual chemistry that clearly exists between you and your ex partner.
Maybe he knows that too... or maybe he's just scared that it'll make him feel less certain about the divorce in the first place. I know you're trying to think with "logic" and reason right now about this whole sex with an ex thing, but it all comes down crumbling on you later when you end up FEELING something; whether it's questions about why the divorce is happening, what went wrong in your marriage or whatever, and it'll hit you harder, making you wish that you didn't start anything. I think it's better to save the sex AFTER you can cope dating again. Good luck
I did, and it did complicate things. I thought it was all fun for a while, but it wasn't. It was messy. For both of us still had feelings for each other, and those feelings were strong as well. We split because he wasn't ready for commitment. But instead of a clean-cut, we became FWB for 4 months, then it got too emotional for me, and I felt that I was falling for him again, so I cut him off...and then he came back to me and asked for a second chance, saying that he's willing to commit because he wanted me to be part of his life....so now we're back together.
See, it started off as no-strings-attached kind of deal as well...but it became more. Sex is emotional, and no matter what you think right now, if you don't intend to get back with him, don't EVER sleep with him, because you're just going to get yourself into trouble..He probably is trying to create a boundary, it takes great effort...especially if he hadn't had sex for such a long time. He at least has a little of my respect in that sense even though he seemed like a jerk otherwise...
But yeah, as other people said, invest in a vibrator....that might solve your problem in the short run until you're ready for a new relationship =)
@Mangonese@xanga - In my case with my fiance, we have a good supply of batteries!!!
GAHHH, DON'T DO IT. I did it off and on for two years with my ex, probably one of the worst choices I've ever made. You think it won't mean anything, and for the first couple times you convince yourself it's okay, but you get attached without even knowing it! I know you're not supposed to read everything you hear, but I read somewhere(wish I could remember where!) that like 95% of women have some sort(big OR small) of emotional connection with the guy they are having sex with-- if they mean to or not, it just happens, and you don't realize it until it's too late. Personally, I'm not surprised. It's exactly what happend to me. But you know, sometimes you just have to wait for the right person to find you; why settle? Just some food for thought. Good luck!
no.. no honey just no. invest in a sex toy and call it a day.
Hun, i definitely suggest going the way of the vibrator. Because unlike men that will always be there for you. but if you do that i also reccomned buying a good supply of batteries as well. I have done the ex-sex before and it was good in the beginning but in the end it only made it worse for me. possibly because he initaited it but all in all it was a bad idea. i think him being your ex-husband is also more different. because we all know that boyfriends come and go and more so husbands now a day but i just think it adds that extra bit of emotion and hardship in there knowing that you were once married. personally i just think that is more complicated than normal ex-sex. so my advice is to hit up shoperotic and get a really great jackrabbit. good luck on figuring this out!
Like eeveryone said its going to be complicated, I think ur ex did a good thing by turning u down, Honestly i think u was kind of selfish foor even asking him that.
I tried sex with my ex as well after we broke up, witch was a big mistake on my part since I was soooo clearly still in love with him, and he was sooo clearly not in love with me. But I think that since he had no feelings left for me, it was easier for him to have sex with me. I'm guessing your ex still cares very much about you and is afraid of the consequences that may eventually come.
even if we say no strings attached, it will definitely complicate things. it always does
I've done both, with me being the one who broke it off both times and I wouldn't do it again. The time where I did have sex with the ex, she was the one who brought it up and assured me that it wouldn't be a problem but it turned into a huge mess and I think this would be the road you would be heding down. It keeps you from having a clean break and that is very important! If they are still in your life for sex, they are still in your life and you will be thinking of them. Te second time, I knew she was still attached even though she said she wasn't and turned down the sex (see, guys can turn down sex!) because I knew it would keep her from moving on. Unlike my first choice, I don't regret it for a minute.
His refusal seems to mean that he wants no further attachment to you whatsoever. Even if you say it's nothing having these kinds of relations with your ex, there are still different kinds of feelings involved for both of you regardless. Personally, I'm actually surprised that, as a male, he refused. But some people have their boundaries. Maybe this is his. Marriage is as serious as you can get with a relationship--if that fails, there's nothing left for either of you, and he probably wants to keep it that way.
I know how you feel, needing physical intimacy but you're reluctant to go off with someone you don't know. So you turn to the first familiar person you can think of who can give you that. I myself turned to my ex-boyfriend for it and it actually worked out, we're actually talking a lot more now, and we're friendlier, too (rather than trying to be friendly then starting to bicker randomly), so in the end it made us both happier. But people are different, have lines they won't cross. It just depends on the people and their morals.
he's obviously a fuck up and he knows it. Too bad, he must have thought he could get away with anything after marriage... ah the new American Way; good and bad
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