Thursday, 18 June 2009

• First Date Chronicles - Jafar and A Blonde Jasmine

  Miss Rhino
  
  As if first dates aren't brutal enough, this one had to be a blind date. While we never ended up going on a second date, we did become friends, so asking him to enlighten me with his first impression of our first date almost one year ago was no problem. He was more than happy to oblige. He also decided he wanted his own animal alias. He landed on "Mr. Mix Breed Stray Dog". Believe me, it describes him perfectly. But before I give you Mr. MBSD's recollection of our date with destiny, let me tell you mine.
  
  My friend Tess told me he was GREAT. A rare gem in a sea of cubic zirconium. Dark and handsome, quick-witted and funny. Surely he would be the champion of my heart. Fantastic, just what I'm looking for. He took me to a Thai restaurant (my favorite, Tess must have told him) and he made a good first impression. Sure he had his flaws... his smile was a bit overeager, almost sleazy, and I definitely shouldn't have worn heels... but he seemed to genuinely care about what I was saying and getting to know him wasn't a chore either. I could tell he was a bit eccentric but I liked that about him. Things were going well, so I took him up on his offer to stay for a drink. One drink turned into two, and then when he ordered the shots it became pretty obvious he only had one thing on his mind. What a dog!
  
  Disinterest turned into disgust as he weaseled his way over to my side of the table. This guy had no sense of personal space, let me tell you. Well needless to say, he was DENIED. I'm just not that kind of girl. What a waste. He seemed so perfect, why did he have to ruin it with his over-sexed libido? A few days later he sent me a casual text making fun of himself and it made me laugh. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we met up again, but this time it was purely platonic. Friends ever since. Looks like some stray dogs CAN become housepets... once you train them to stop peeing on the carpet.
  
  My version of the story is pretty mundane. The typical boy meets girl, boy gets girl drunk and tries to have sex with her, guy goes home alone. Happens all the time. But leave it to Mr. Mix Breed Stray Dog to jazz it up a little. This is how his story goes....
  
  Mr. Mix Breed Stray Dog's Version of the Story:
  
  It was early August. Hot, sweltering heat. The air smelled of sex. I sort of had a thing with a girl, but I didn't really like her. I was looking to branch out. So my friend Tess told me about her friend... Miss Rhino. Tess had a few good words to say about Miss Rhino, but all I really heard was: DTF. I was unemployed, but I had a savings for emergencies like this.  Still, I wasn't about to get to lavish on this girl. I thought about taking her to a museum - something free - but after I saw a few pictures, I decided she wasn't the type. She was the type to get drunk and take home.
  
  I took her to a cheap Thai place around Harlem. I told her we were in the East Village. I asked her a lot of questions and made her think I was interested in what she had to say. I wasn't really, but that's the trick. The crowd was young enough and the music was alright, so we decided to keep drinking after dinner. She was laughing at my jokes - sometimes at dry statements of fact - and I began to suspect she was becoming drunk. I wasn't trying to take advantage of her per se so I excused myself to the bathroom to reevaluate. Luckily, I stood up and realized I was feeling a little sideways myself. It was going to be a good night, I thought.
  
  When I got back to the table, we ordered shots - the first in a series of unfortunate events. My memory gets hazy from that point, although I'm sure I moved across the table from my chair to sit next to her on the booth side. I put my arm around her and we talked about Bruce Springsteen. I don't like the Boss or his cheese-dick anthems but I'm sure I faked an interest, hoping she might fake something else later on. To be brief, she did not. I kept trying to make out with her in the booth but each time she would writhe awkwardly away. To a small child, it may have looked horrifying - like Jafar cuddling up next to a blonde Jasmine. But that didn't stop me. Eventually, she did. I'm not exactly sure how she got home, nor how I did. I am certain I was alone. Woke up the next morning feeling hungover and mildly disgusting. I shook it off immediately but the guilt kept coming back. I texted her a couple days later and tried to be funny. Although I abandoned all hopes of sleeping with her, I have asked her numerous times to set me up with (any) one of her friends. I'm confident that Miss Rhino and I will remain friendly, at least until she reads my account of our first date.
  
  -Mr. MBSD
  
  
  
  Dear Mr. MBSD,
  
  Our friendship is on hold until further notice. And for the record... I am not DTF!
  
  Sincerely,
  Miss Rhino
  
  send us your first date chronicle here!
  

  • 3:01 PM
  • 2011 Views
  • 34 eProps
  • 17 Comments