Thursday, 18 June 2009

  • Rape IS Real

     …but I never thought it would happen to me.

    I was fairly young when my dad decided I needed to take defense lessons to protect me from the criminals lurking for the next female to make their prey.  I thought he was being extreme, just an overprotective father to his little girl.  To ease his worries, I began my years of private Jujitsu lessons.  With the skills I obtained, I was confident I would never fall victim.  Effects of that nature only happen on SVU, not to small town girls like me.  I became a critic of movies and shows featuring females with attackers, as if I would have done something differently.  Unfortunately, I had to find out, no one truly knows until placed in the position.

    Nothing could have prepared me for the circumstances that would turn my life.  I knew I wasn’t invincible.  I didn’t realize I had put myself in a compromising situation as I felt secure in my surroundings.  He was sweet and had a gentle spirit about him.  He was someone who was supposed to protect before harm.  Everything happened so fast.  Like the snap of my fingers, he became my worst nightmare.  What began as fear quickly switched to shear panic.  As I was gripped with terror, I felt defenseless.  I had no idea what to do.  It seemed despite my many lessons I didn’t know how to get away.  All I could do was scream and cry, but my mouth was quickly covered.  I tried to fight off my attacker to the best of my ability, but all efforts were in vain.  With each strike, kick, bite, scratch, I received triple in return.  My small body was rapidly overtaken by the much stronger male.  Never in my life had I ever wanted to escape to a happy place, more than this moment.  As I looked at his face through the puddles in my eyes, I saw enjoyment on his face.  With this realization I became angrier which was coupled with a new wave of strength.  It appeared the harder I fought, the more satisfaction he seemed to express.  As I was unable to move my badly broken body, I can vividly recall every single thought which passed through my mind.    Inside my head, I was screaming for someone to come, anyone.  I felt my body reaching the point of black out.  My head was swirling and my body was reeling with pain.  Just when I thought I could take no more, he took the last bit, my innocence.  I felt as though it would never end.  I was sure I was going to die and in some ways, I did.

    By the time my rescue came, the damage had been done.  I went to the hospital where I endured the humiliation of testing and picture taking of my body.  For the first ten hours after the rape, I remained speechless.  I couldn’t bring myself to speak to answer questions.  When I finally spoke, I must have repeated the same story at least six times before I begged people to stop asking.  I felt exceedingly embarrassed.    Needless to say, the rape kit was positive and the physical evidence was undeniable.  Yet, the most heartbreaking part of this story, for me, is the ending.  My rapist received only forty-five days jail time.  Forty-five days in jail does not equal to the agony I went though and the continued ache I still feel.  I fought with all of my might to get him put away, but it never happened.  He walks free today, but remain caged in by the bars of this memory.

    I attempted to go back to my regular life, pretending nothing out of the ordinary had happened.  Every night I would wake those near me with my screams from the nightmares.  I was scared to go anywhere without a large group of people.  People were then faced with the task of earning my trust, even ones I had complete faith in previously.  I despise the images which linger in my mind.  Still occasionally, I am awakened in the night with dreams so vividly recalling each second.  I wake in fits of terror, fighting air, and screaming at no one present.  I fear the future, for my husband that will one day sleep in the same bed with me.  How horrible I would feel if he awoke with a black eye or other bruises.  I still feel guilt and blame myself.  I always wonder if there was something else I could have done.  If only… but I did all I could.

    Rape is very real.  If you knew me in person, you would probably think I would be one of the least likely people to have this experience.  It happens to even the least likely.  Very few people know of my experience.  I am choosing to share this with Xanga to raise awareness.  I’m sharing the most personal moment of my existence and this is the most heartfelt post I’ve ever written.  If you have questions, I’m willing to answer.  If you have been a victim of rape and would like someone to talk to, please feel free to private message me.  I’ve seen more in my life than I should at my young age.  I know I’m not over this and I don’t know if I ever will be, but each day I become a little stronger. 

    Yes.  Today, I’m a little stronger than yesterday. 

Related Posts

Comments (62)

  • Sign in to Comment

  • Give eProps (?)

About the Author

Tags

Who recommended?

Who gave the eProps?

2 eProps from: