Wednesday, 17 June 2009
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I Can Only Encourage Him So Much
I have been dating my BF for about two and a half years now and he always says he wants to move in with me, do things with me, etc., yet he won't ever do them.He is 19, I'm 18 and he hasn't had a job in a while. He always tells me that he is going to go apply at these places that are hiring, but he never goes through with it or never follows up with the places. His parents have taken away his car because they tired of him coming home stoned, drunk, etc. And his mom isn't going to give him his car back until he starts college (his parents NEVER EVER have grounded him in his life, he's allowed to do whatever he wants).
So he told me he wants to "enjoy the summer" and wait to start college because it's gonna be a lot of work. I think that's fine and all, but he always just wants to have a good time and not really have any responsibilities, it seems like. I'm just afraid he won't go through with what he says he's going to. I'm really nice and try to give him hope and encouragement, but it doesn't seem to really affect him. I mean, I really want a future with this guy and I just wish he would start going through with what he says he wants. Because it makes me not think he wants to move in with me, etc.
I just feel like I'm his mother sometimes and it annoys me because I want to be there for him but I can only encourage him so much. I just think he has low motivation...
Have you ever had a problem with your SO going through with what he/she says? Have you ever felt more like a parent to your SO than a GF/BF ?
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Comments (28)
he just needs to learn to grow up himself. he needs a wakeup call. sometimes that's way beyond our reach. way beyond something that we can do.
He definitely needs to learn to grow up and take on responsibility. Tell him that you are helping him as much as you can, but only he can make the decision to do that.
Also, sounds like you both are quite young. He is right - enjoy your time with him. :) But at the same time, he needs to figure out what he wants to really do with his life.
You should be glad he haven't carried through and moved in with you because then, you'll practically be his mother - taking care of him financially and nagging him to do this or that with his life.
That's all you can do - encourage him. The rest is up to him.
You really can't do anything else BUT encourage. You also don't want to look like a nagging girlfriend either. Or a nagging "mom" figure. Pretty much.... that's up to him. You just have to talk to him about it.
My boyfriend isn't as extreme but he does lack motivation to do certain things. Trust me on this one, nagging doesn't work! Even when you think you're being sweet and encouraging about it. I know it's frustrating and it hurts to watch him squander his life away but all you can do is sit back and let him make his own mistakes and hope that he grows up to be the man you need for him to be. Psychologists say that the male brain is two years younger/less developed than his age so you're really dating a 16 year old. I understand though, my boyfriend is 9 months younger and not as mature about his decisions as I'd like for him to be. All you can do is wait and be supportive in him making smart, healthy decisions.
@tvols11@xanga - wow the whole brain thing was interesting. hahah he acts like a 16 year old, so that explains it. =p
Ugh. Yes. I felt like a mother to my ex. Main reason I broke up with him.
Indeed I do have problem with my bf about the things he'll say he'll do and such, it is not as extreme in your case but... for instance I would say, "Let's go to the park." Then he goes, "Let's go tomorrow." It doesn't happen. I ask him to get new sheets or a new hanger for his towels, he just tells me, "okay, I'll do it tomorrow." He doesn't do it. Sigh. It sucks. But for some reason, I feel like doing for him instead. How silly of me.
I do have to tell him to do his laundry at times, but I wind up doing it for me.
Best wishes to you and your bf.
-xTeeN.
Isn't him being stoned and drunk to the point that his parents take his car away a problem too, though? Haha.
My thing is, you can't make him do anything. If he doesn't want to do something, you can encourage him all you want, but it's not going to make any difference. It sounds like he doesn't want responsibility yet. Not for a job, not for paying bills, not for school. He wants to stay with the parents and be a "kid" for a while.
So, really, you know the options there. You'll just have to wait on him to mature some.
I've never had this kind of problem, really.
I dated a guy like that for a year and a half...I know exactly how you feel. But he isn't going to change unless he really, really wants to. You can only give him so much encouragment. The rest is up to him.
Good luck, hun.
Sometimes, yeah. And I realized that you need to ask yourself a few things like "Can I really live with him and be happy if he never does anything he says he will? If he never does anything at all with his life? Will I truly be happy then? Being the sole provider for an 'us' it seems?"
Wish you the best, and I hope he begins to wisen up soon,
~*Akarui Mitsukai*~
@ForeverXBroken_Inside@xanga - Agreed.
Future doesn't exist. We only have today. That means we have to work hard today. So if he is not wanting to do anything today, there's no future.
sweetheart...your man has some serious issues when it comes to taking responsibilities... He doesn't even take charge of his own life! I'm sorry but I don't think you cud hv a future together...you'd better go and talk to him and if you see no change then you better move on babe...
He needs to grow up. And you have to take a look at how far you're willing to go to try and persuade him, and whether you can accept it if he doesn't change. If it becomes intolerable, you need to move on. You're his girlfriend, not his mother.
i think you can only encourage so much then you can't anymore. there's only so much you can give to someone. it's better to teach someone how to fish than just give them fish.
Trust me, if you feel like you're his mother sometimes, you two shouldn't be moving in together. If you live together he'll only lean on you more and become lazier. I had a very similar problem with a boyfriend, and when we moved in together problems only escalated and we ended up breaking up. It's totally up to you whether or not you want to continue to pursue the relationship, but I definitely think some time living alone is best for your boyfriend. He'll be forced to grow up and take care of himself and he'll either succeed or fail. Then you'll be able to see whether it's just typical adolescent immaturity or if he'll be like this forever. Just remember you can't change him--he has to want to do that for himself.
looks like you picked a reeeeal winner here, hon...
@tvols11@xanga - Same here. My boyfriend has all the potential in the world, but he doesn't push himself. Instead, he only goes to a certain limit before he gives up. It frustrates me so much, but when I nag, he tells me I'm being like his mom ... so I've given up on nagging. Hopefully he'll start to shape up. He knows it. But he just doesn't ... do it.
The only thing I can do is encourage him and push him onto the right path.
I haven't had an SO like that, but I can occasionally fall into the, say and not follow through thing, rarely.
Some people have nothing but the best intention, but are just missing the mark when it comes to execution.
I dont date guys who dont have it together already.
This bloke reminded me of my brother... He's almost 21 (I'm 19) and he's been with his current gf for 6 years! (Yeah... Since middle school, how sweet)
He's still an inmature guy, you aren't, you're more goal-oriented and more responsable... Of course u have to be like his mother sometimes... Are you willing to stay with him hoping he'll grow up eventually?? Idk if he even realize what u're doing for him n' how much u love him... I think he needs sth to wake up n' realize the world isn't a video game etc etc...
Anyway, I hope it all turns out just good with u guys
My ex was like that (minus the drugs) and it ended our relationship. I want someone I have a future with, and he clearly demonstrated to me that I had no future with him as he was 24, living at home and unemployed with no real motivation to do anything; it was like dating a 12 year old. I don't want to have to support my husband eventually and not having a job (or at least putting effort into finding one) is a huge dealbreaker to me.
The lucky thing is, 2 months after we broke up I found this amazing guy who is everything I was looking for and loves me completely. Some breakups do have happy endings.
i totally understand where you are coming from. you can only do so much for him. i went through it with my bf as well, had to encourage him to keep up with uni and study.