When I was in college, I was dating a pretty amazing guy - he was smart, thoughtful, very attractive, and loved me more than I deserved. We had a pretty secure, relatively healthy relationship, save one factor.
He had a female friend whose interest with him wasn't purely platonic.
Now, to be clear, she did not explicitly express these impure intentions, nor were there direct behaviors that indicated to me her underlying motives when hanging out with him almost endlessly. Taken apart and singularly, all of her actions would appear innocent enough. But even if he were oblivious to women's designs, I read women like I read participants in the financial markets; I know instinctively when one is full of bullshit. After all, I am a woman, and have played these games myself.
Occasionally, a woman in a dedicated relationship will find that her boyfriend has this one female friend who has been "friend zoned" due to inopportune developments in the past (she was unavailable when he was single or, conversely, she became single when he is now unavailable) or perhaps she was an ex with whom the relationship ended for whatever (read: I don't care) reason. This female friend, who I will here forth name "The Lingerer", will hang out with him when the girlfriend is not around and act as a confidante, a platonic friend who "understands" any issues the guy is going through because of a less complicated emotional investment in her relationship with him or from knowing him longer (again, read: I don't care.)
Often in such cases, The Lingerer calls herself "the best friend" or "the close friend" that the girlfriend, through clenched teeth, needs to incorporate into her own relationship with her boyfriend. Because what else is a girlfriend to do? Come across insecure as a result of appearing threatened when her intuition flags to her that this Lingerer is bad news and knows this because which woman has not been guilty of these games herself? No, one had to suppress these outbursts and paranoia, if at least for the appearances that one is confident with herself and her man's loyalty and commitment.
No more.
No more a sucker am I. The Lingerer in my relationship in my college years was a tall, academically successful, attractive girl. She hung out with him in his college dorm room (truth be told, hard to blame her - his clear green eyes and tousled blond hair left a trail of melted hearts), sat next to him in class, studied with him, called him, etc. Now, I'm confident that physical lines have not been crossed, but even in college, I considered myself to be pretty sharp when observing and assimilating social dynamics. So I know that she was a woman who pushed the boundaries of her "friendships" with her male friends.
So here was what I presented to The Lingerer in my college relationship:
I'm on to you. I won't confront you too meaningfully, because I know very well that any structural issues I have in my relationship, I have to address with my man. But if it is games you want to play, then you have made the mistake of not knowing who are you are dealing with. I thrive in competition, I live to win. So heed these words: I'm coming for you.
Ladies (and fellas) in similarly maddening situations, you feel me?
True 
Comments (45)
this made me squinch cause i was kind of that with my bf now. but i promise, i DID NOT mean to be. i really did just want to be his friend, i didnt even find him physically attractive at first. his gf hated me the first time she met me, so i backed off immediately - i am really not into drama. and i wanted him to be happy. i dont think i crossed any lines, i didnt call or see my bf (who DID used to be my best friend before her) for the 3 years that they dated - only sort-of aim once in a while. so while i may have taken some guilty pleasure in his lengthy complaints about his then gf, i never would have intended that they break up, nor would i have suspected that he actually loved me. i hate games, i think they are bullshit. if i have ever manipulated in my life, it was never my intention. i love my bf now, but i dont hate his ex, though she apparantly caused loads of drama... if anything i feel bad for her. the torment she must have put herself through, being so constantly insecure; and i almost feel bad that he really is in love with me now. i would hate to find that out about an ex.
This one's a doozy. I had my own lingerer for a couple of years. Close to about 3-4ish, i finally cut her off when i opened my eyes and realized just how many relationships she'd been sabotaging. She didn't even have any feelings for me but her possesive nature drove my girlfriends at the time, insane.
I like that. I'm considering doing something similar, however, it's trickier because the Lingerer is one of my close friends. Which makes things really messy. I'm proceeding with caution, however.
"I thrive in competition, I live to win. So heed these words: I'm coming for you."
These words just makes me giggles.
My husband used to have this friend girl who really clings onto him. He had a personal page and she would always leave him personal comments to tell him she misses him, to call her, yada, yada, yada. She knew I come there to leave him comments too and that I would read it. It irked me but I didn't let it bother me. He was calling me every night.. not her.
But ehh, I think some girls just enjoy annoying other girls. Some girls just like the thrill of it!
Wtf? You just sound crazy.
yeah, sometimes lingerers get really annoying
the girl that liked my boyfriend had several "back-up" guys that she liked as well... and some of them had girlfriends. Here's an example of one of the many things she has done:
One day, the guy was walking to the dining hall, talking to his girlfriend on the phone, when that girl came up beside him and was all friendly and stuff... then asked for the phone so she could say something to the girl. He reluctantly gave it to her, and the girl said, "I'm so jealous that you have such a great boyfriend! He's so nice and sweet! You're so lucky!" Even though it "sounds" really innocent.... it wasn't. She tried to get the guy to hang out with her.... and he had to ignore her so she would stop.
Sad, sad girl.
Ugh, I'm pretty sure my exes current girl thinks I'm a lingerer, except for the fact that I rarely call him, or comment on his stuff, and we only hang out when she's not around because those are the only times he has free(ironically, because she's not around).
On the other side of it, I hate those girls so much, I've never actively done that, and when I've caught myself doing it, I usually get mad at myself... my boyfriend's got one of those right now and he doesn't even know it.. it sort of eats my soul... I just rest knowing she lives in a different state.
I had to deal with one of these, and I wasn't even exclusive with the guy. It was just a psycho ex of his who claims they were best friends...but I think the "best friendship" was one-sided obviously.
She would constantly sabotage all of his relationships after hers ended with him.
She pretended to see what kind of person I was, but I was thinking who is she to tell her supposed "best friend" who he can and cannot date when he is a big boy himself and can make his own decisions. She even friended me online and I didn't even tell her my first nor last name that's how psycho this supposed BFF is. Then I read her notes bashing me she is such a pathetic character.
The drama she brought with her was not worth it for me to hang out with her ex anymore. The hilarious thing is while she always attempted to sabotage his relationships, he never went back exclusively with her so I don't get why she stuck around him for so long. He's now exclusively with someone else who decided to put up with her drama, and I think she's finally got the clue that they've been over for a long, long, long time.
the thing with guys... some guys keep their lines blurry between "close friend that is a girl" and "girl that I can date if I was single..." Considering, many people date their friends, if you weren't in the picture, the lingerer DEF has a chance to date your bf and that's what worry ppl, isn't it? I mean, whereas me, I don't date my friends (ever) it's simpler for me, but for those of you who'd consider dating friends as a reality, this is just asking for trouble.
how did your bf feel when you've talked to him about this thing though? did he make fun of the situation or is he feeling your concern?
I think I'm the 'lingerer' in a sense since I AM a really close friends with my guyfriends even when they have gfs. Although, I make sure I get along with them so they don't feel insecure and make fun of their bfs (like a sister) so they understand, I have zero attraction their men WHATSOEVER. Even if I don't like the gf (at the time) I make sure she doesn't feel threatened by the fact that a) I knew her guy WAAAY before thus I know him BETTER than her and b) I'm taller than she is. For some reason, my being taller seem to be an issue more often than I have ever imagined... O_o But would I ever make my friends' gfs insecure with my overt flirting (if that's what your lingerer do to you?) because I want my buddies to be HAPPY so I can hang out with them. If I rock the boat and the gfs demand my buddies to drop me, they wouldn't. We've been friends WAY before the gfs ever stepped up and shit would start...O_o
anyways, talk to the bf and inquire an explanation about the lingerer seriusly. not out of jealous tantrum but when you're feeling NORMAL so he won't think you're just jealous or whatever. and if you're still bothered by it, maybe he'll stop hanging out with her so much?
Hahaha, I feel you.
Written like I was in some mystery novel, dang, woman!
-salute to your endeavors-
I find this interesting since I've been in a similar situations. The lingerer in my relationship had a bf of her own. Yet she much have had some kind of self-esteem issues so she would try to flirt and be overly chummy with my bf. I sent her a message telling her straight up how that made me feel in the most sincere non-psycho way that I could. I don't know if the bitch has a heart...but what I've learned is that if a guy that you're in a relationship with, is going to give into a lingerer, then there's no point being with a guy like that. It is annoying as hell though. I don't think threats work. In the end you just have to have confidence in your relationship, and know that bitches get what they deserve. Oh and if the lingerer is a sincere "friend" she'll probably get a life over her own eventually and leave your bf alone.
I totally dated a guy for over two years in high school and he had a "lingerer" of his very own. Her and I became friends by proxy, but I always held a slight resentment toward her because of how suspicious I felt when they were together. She seemed to be everything I wasn't, everything that I thought he might want in a girlfriend. I found out months after him and I eventually broke up (due to totally different circumstances) that despite his constant reassurance that they were "just friends", he had cheated on me with her three or four times not long before we separated. I hated them both for awhile.
Girls can be so deceptive. I like your attitude, though. Vicious. ;]
And sometimes, she really is just a friend. My best friend is an ex, who is now happily married. Being best friends, we hang out a lot and she's as close as people come to being family, outside of my family of course. Having her around has helped me date women who are secure enough to look past the initial jealousy or insecurities of knowing I still talk to an ex. Before she got married, I obviously ran into more women who had an issue with it but if they couldn't deal with it, they weren't for me.
Alwayss. My boyfriend had a close girl friend who always tried to change him. "you should cut your hair." "you should do this" you should do that" and would leave sappy comments/msgs. Ugh, seriously? But she stopped talking to him after my bf blocked her. And luckily she moved away to a different state for college.
But then again, I had a close guy friend. My boyfriend told him to stop talking to me and after about three times of threatening him, he backed off.
I liked your post (: the gf/bf always wins. haha
Fucking hate them. I feel you, entirely.
OWN THAT BITCH
cheers
<3
Yeah, I guess...
I am the best friend in my life. I'm still really close with my ex. Girlfriend hates, but she can't do ANYTHING because I'm helping them out. I honestly don't want my ex back though, we didn't work together.
That set aside....you go, girl.
i know what you mean, but i don't think that i have a lingerer at this current moment
From an outsider's view, you just described the relationship I have with most of my friends - the difference is, I actually don't have any feelings for them and would never act on them if I did. You may think you read people well, but really it's just your opinion on how they feel based on how they act and you have no right to say that they definitely have feelings for your man.
Think about what it would be like to be in the "other girl's" situation - because I have been there. A friend's girlfriend accused him of cheating on her with me, and even though we were only good friends her suspicions took a toll on their relationship, and it made me feel guilty even though I did nothing wrong. That's hardly fair to me or to him.
Relationships are built on trust and you have to trust that he will not cheat on you, no matter the circumstances. Whether or not she has feelings for him is irrelevant and, quite frankly, none of your business.
I feel as though these lingerers are merely there to either annoy the living hell out of the current girlfriend, provide a back-up for when the relationship falls though, or force the couple to talk about their trust issues. 2 out of those 3 don't look like particularly good reasons for a lingerer. But the trust issues thing might actually be rather relevant and important...
That being said. I...have a strong distaste for lingerers. Trust issues or not, they still can be a pest because as the awesomely fantastic girlfriend, you can't tell them to GTFO of your relationship because they're merely "friends." Bleeeeerg. And it's not like I would be against my boy having female friends. It's just that I get an the irritating vibe, especially when a potential lingerer used to and probably still likes my boy.
Thank god he knows better than to galivant off with her... XP
@TheLoveMuse@xanga - But what if the fact that this girl has feelings for this hypothetical guy comes to interfere with your relationship? IE, throwing herself all over him shamelessly, monopolizing all of his time, etc. There's a difference between keeping one's feelings to themselves and announcing for all the world to hear. The second option leaves the boyfriend feeling guilty that some has fallen so deeply in love with them.
I feel you completely. I think it's right to tell someone who has definitely crossed boundaries with someone who is obviously in a relationship. My recent ex had A LOT of girl friends. He never really hung out with them, I'm guessing they were flings before. They all definitely knew he was taken at the time. But on his Facebook and through text, they would obviously flirt, and attempt to discuss dirty actions with him. They had no respect for the fact that he was, indeed, in a relationship and thus had no respect for me as his girlfriend. He just ignored them or deleted them because he hated drama, but one night I got so fed up with seeing the sexual comments and the obvious flirtatious wall posts, I left a comment saying that if they had any respect whatsoever, they'd stop or they would have to deal with me. Needless to say that after they tried to taunt me and wind me up and saw how I could reply to them without fault (and with extremely good reasoning), they stopped their games.
No one should have to deal with girls like that in a relationship, and have some other person fawning all over their man. If the culprit had any respect for the person's significant other and for their friend, they wouldn't do those things. If they're not into you, move on, is what I'd say to them.
I suppose my fiance has one of those... but she kind of looks like a gorilla and is pretty annoying, so I'm not too worried. o.O
Um..I was completely agreeing with you until the "I'm coming for you" made me