Miss Alligator
I have an excellent gaydar. I've rarely been wrong when it comes to figuring out someone's sexuality. My twin brother is gay, which is something I knew before even he figured it out, so I'd like to think my gaydar is pretty sharp. However, sometimes I wish I didn't see these things coming.
I met my best friend from high school's boyfriend, whom she met in college, for the first time last January. From the minute he and I greeted one another, I thought to myself,
this guy is not completely straight. However, for my best friend's sake, I pushed away this thought and hung out with them for a while. Later, I discussed my opinion of my best friend's boyfriend with my mom, who'd also met him. She also had this sneaking suspicion that he might be gay. Then, I talked to my best friend's mom about him, and she told me in confidence that she had the same feeling about this guy. This made me even more sure that my best friend was about to be in a Will & Grace kind of situation, and have her heart broken.
So, fast forward to this month. My best friend's boyfriend is in town visiting her for her birthday. I hung out with them again, and the way this guy was behaving reminded me of my previous suspicions. He even said to me, "Becca thinks I act and talk like I'm gay." The more I hung out with him, the more I was convinced that he is not attracted to the female body. It's not just his mannerisms or behavior, either. It was the way he interacted with my best friend. They didn't conduct themselves like lovers. They acted like siblings.
So, I don't care to argue about whether or not this guy is gay. I purposely didn't include too many details about his behavior, because that's not my question. My question is, if you were in my situation, would you say anything to your best friend, if you thought her boyfriend might be gay? I realize this is a delicate situation, but I can't sit here & watch her be in love with her boyfriend, when this flamboyant dude is obviously not into her the same way she's into him. Opinions?
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Comments (45)
thats a shitty situation, hilarious, but shitty. you seriously cracked me up just now big time.
hmmm
i dont know what i would do.
maybe throw hints out ther what you think in a subtle way slowly and work your way up???
i have nooo idea.
same thing happened with one my friends. she was clueless about her boyfriend being gay, but everyone else suspected. some people tried to warn her, but she just got pissed off.
she got engaged to him and MOVED TO KANSAS with him...
and then lo & behold, he confessed to being gay LOL
you live and you learn. most people won't accept such a bombshell without hearing it from their boyfriend.
look for proofs that can convince ur best friend that he's gay.if i were ur best friend,i dont think i could simply trust ur gaydar coz ur talking bout my own BF.i'd be pissed off.
Forget hints, those were the stupidest thing that mankind could have invented. Hints that is. Everyone gets pissy when people don't pick them up, or disappointed. Now, first of all, considering the relationship I have with people, I would probably come out with telling them I have a suspicion that they're gay right off the bat. Offended they may get, and if not, cool beans.
For the most part? I'd leave it alone. If the guy is gay, it's his business to be in a relationship with that girl and his responsibility to tell her if he's truly into her or not. If she gets hurt, whatever. I'd sit there with her and be there to listen.
All in all, it's not always the best thing to get up into someone's business when it's none of yours. I've seen the occasion when someone does get up in someone's business thinking they know something and it'll help or resolve/prevent conflict. These cases it's actually caused conflicted, if not made things worse.
That's just me.
I would probably tell someone that I know would tell them :P let it filter through the grapevine like that. otherwise, I'd just say mum... if it starts getting really serious then maybe say something, otherwise just let the relationship progress naturally. if the mom has suspicions to, im sure she'd say something, at some point. and maybe all she wants right now is a sibling-sort-of-boyfriend.
I would not mention anything, just be ready to be there for her when she needs you. Because telling her this will only make her angry and could alienate you from her.
Well ask yourself this, is there a reason why he would lie about it? Is the guy from a family or a community that is conservative and not accepting of gays? I have friends that are gay and they tell me the only reason why they didn't come out of the closet sooner is because they were afraid of becoming outcast.
I think you should just talk about it with her!
what if he's only bisexual?
well you can talk to her about it. but eventually she's gonna have to figure it out herself
i know it sounds smart just to talk to her about it but if i was her and my best friend was trying to tell me she thought my boyfriend was gay i'd be pissed. i'd listen cause my best friend would most likely be right, but if she wasn't and i ruined a good thing then i'd be more pissed...
but im not her and honestly, do what feels right. you know your best friend, you know how she'll react. if you think you can talk to her about it, then do it... you know her better then anyone right?
talk with her O_o? just 'casually' talk it over in case she takes offense. or she could of been those 'chill - haha , you're so funny' type :)
Well.... has he actually told you that he's gay? You should just talk to him about it because if he wasn't.... there's going to be trouble
But if you're going to talk to her, I guess bring it up casually... or just straight-up tell her what your suspicions are. If she doesn't believe you, she won't. But I think you should make sure that he is actually gay- just because you have gaydar won't convince some people.
Well, you guys are best friends and if you had a "truth vow" (best friends tell each other everything), then I would tell her. First off, if you've confirmed you're suspicion that he's definitely gay and you're friend is in love with him, then you should tell your friend.
If you guys are really best friends, she may take the truth pretty hard and may be angry with you, but in the long run, you did it for her own good. She shouldn't waste her time on a fruitless relationship and knowing sooner is better than later. She will suffer from heartache, but it's better than finding out the truth after their relationship has gone too far. In time, your friend's heart will heal and she will understand why you did what you did. So I believe you should talk to her.
If you tell her, she might get pissed off and say you were jealous of their relationship (such as when a BFF tells someone their boyfriend is cheating on them...). Leave it alone and be there for her when they do break up. You could talk with HIM instead and ask him jokingly if he would ever do a guy. And then get somewhat serious and ask if he was in the closet.
I was in a similar situation before. One friend of mine had a boyfriend who everyone referred to as "Jennifer's gay boyfriend." It was so obvious to everyone, probably even Jennifer. I guess what I'm trying to say is that your best friend might actually know or have her suspicions but this relationship might just be what she needs right now. I think it's best just to keep quiet. If someone's gonna tell her, leave it to her mother...
I say tell her. If she confronts him on it and he denies it, he's either a) Actually straight, or b) A closet-case. Still, it's best to get that out of the way, just in case.
-Kunoichi
I don't think you should tell your friend because you don't know for sure that he's gay, but if he is it will eventually come out. If you actually catch him in the act with another guy or flittering with another guy, then you should tell her because that would be a completely different situation. If it's really bothering you then you could causally mention it to her. Be aware though that sometimes people want to take out their anger on the messenger. My best friend is actually gay and when I met him I had no idea whatsoever that he was. I thought he was interested in me, but it turned out that he just wanted to go shopping with me. My friends never said anything to me about it, and I found out later that 2 of them did have suspicions about it. I started to figured it out on my own when I discovered that he liked to watch The Desperate Housewives of Atlanta and listen to the Scissor Sisters, and around that time he decided to come out to me.
He might be metrosexual n' not gay. Whatever...
You cud tell ur bff that u think her bf might be gay, just like that... If everyone thinks the same, it won't be a surprise... Idk..
why would you tell your mother and her mother?? I would think that that kind of information is more private...
Talk to the guy maybe? You can also talk to your best friend. Don't overload info on her. Merely suggest that you think he could be gay.
well i would mention it to her..maybe say like..mm u think ur bf is a little feminine?
but then i dont think u can judge him just because he acts sibling like to your frnd right?
i hope theres more 'proof'
anyways, if she doesnt believe you then just let time tell.
im sure she wont be like HURT hurt...because if i were her and i found out my bf is gay..id be more shocked..and like..i guess "o, ok" kinda thing...lol...dont worry too much
Just because your gaydar is on point most of the time it doesnt mean it could be now. honestly some guys are real feminine but that doesnt mean they are bisexual or even gay. u never know he could have grown up with a whole bunch of females and the only thing he knows is being feminine. I have a nephew that acted so girly when we was younger and i thought he was really going to be into guys when he got older. he use to jump rope with his sister and I, play with dolls with us, and played with them more then cars, He also use to dance like a girl. I just knew he was going to be into guys. but now that he is older he dont play that gay shit and he is deffinitly into girls. So You might be wrong about him if u dont know his life growing up then u have no place to judge a book by its cover hun im not trying to be rude but dont try and jump the gun and in the end u could be wrong and u WILL be the bad guy if u do open your mouth.
OR
If he is gay or bisexual its none of ur business what he likes and what he is into, u never know if he is they could have already had a talk about it (and they decided to keep it to themselfs), But why u so worried about his sexuality? u again will look stupid when U try and tell your friend this. she seems to like this guy alot i say leave it alone and let her figure this out on her own(thats if she doesnt already know something u dont know). If he does come out and finally tell her just be there for her and tell her u did have an idea that he had some fruit in his tank but just continue hanging out with them and have a good time.
U didnt really say how u really know if he is gay. u just said ur gaydar is good and u was never wrong about it. and just by meeting someone doesnt mean nothing.
Meh, I guess you could talk to her. If I thought one of my friends had a gay boyfriend I'd let them figure it out on their own though. It's their life and they most likely wouldn't listen to anyone about it anyway. Just ask her about some of his supposedly gay mannerisms.
No, don't say a word. That's a really sensitive topic to try and bring up. If he isn't attracted to your friend, all the pieces will fall into place. There is no reason you should take any kind of action.