Tuesday, 16 June 2009
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Dear Dr. Datingish: My BF Doesn't Stand Up for Me
My BF of almost five years STILL does not stick up for me. He is a very relaxed person who has never gotten into a fight and never did much as even raise his voice at me.
Some drunk GUY that we know shoved me last night at a party and I basically had to beg him to go talk to this kid. I can't help but to feel hurt and confused. I know my BFdoesn't like confrontation, but after this kid "apologized to me," my BF was about to go over and thank him for taking the time to apologize to me!
Not only am I hurt that my boyfriend couldn't man up and give this guy a piece of his mind, I'm soooo embarrassed that everyone saw my BF not stand up for me. My girlfriends and other guy friends talked to the guy who shoved me without me asking...why couldn't my BF do the same? Has anyone else ever dealt with this type of situation?
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Comments (81)
I would've just ignored it the drunk guy that shoved you, if I were you in this case. It doesn't seem necessary to go after the guy. He was drunk, and just acting stupid. It's not smart to provoke drunk people, anyway.
If your guy doesn't get pissed when someone messes with you, you have to question how he really feels about you. This is probably a deeper issue. Talk to him and consider breaking up with him.
@nobodyknows8116@xanga - The dude was drunk. There's no need to confront him. And there's definitely no need to break up with the boyfriend because he wouldnt go get in some random drunk guy's face. The boyfriend didn't confront him because he saw no need in doing that, and because he'd rather ignore it and stay by his girl.
@Dustin_wind@xanga - Doesn't it bother you when someone is harassing your GF? Drunk or not, the guy needs to be talked to. As far as breaking up goes, this was particularly telling:
"after this kid 'apologized to me,' my BF was about to go over and thank him for taking the time to apologize to me!"
The guy is too much of a pushover.
Your boyfriend doesnt have to be a wrestler but if he cant verbally protect you, then I consider some underlying issue to be a cause. I'm a very passive person but if someone comes within my 5 foot safety circle, I can get defensive.
As for the guy being drunk & shoving you, he put his hands you. Drunk or not, your boyfriend should have said something. You could have been seriously hurt.
Maybe you should learn to stand up for yourself
Guess what: he was drunk, it was an accident, and it's over. Get over it. If you don't like your boyfriend because he didn't beat up a clumsy drunk guy, maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationship.
my boyfriend protects me from monsters.
@nobodyknows8116@xanga - It's not harassment. The guy was drunk, and probably didn't even know what he was doing. Ignore it and move on, it's not a big deal. The writer needs to learn to stand up for herself, instead of having all her friends do it for her. And maybe the guy realizes that the kid is drunk and doesn't want confrontation?
Seriously, this isn't a big deal and is in no way harassment. Harassment is a continuous act.
Your boyfriend sounds like a fucking pansy.
he sounds like a loser. find a real man.
he doesn't need to beat the guy into a bloody pulp, but he should at least say something.
@Dustin_wind@xanga - He had no problem thanking the guy when the guy "apologized" to her or whatever, but he didn't even want to talk to the guy and find out what happened. He sounded too scared. If a guy is going to take on the responsibility of being with someone, he's got to have enough cojones to at least find out what happened.
I think you should talk to your boyfriend abotu this. Seriously, sometimes some people don't think that it's that important to give people a piece of your mind to a drunk guy. But as long as you talk to him and try to figure things out, you should be fine.
If it bothers you this much maybe you should just tell him it makes you feel bad when he doesnt stand up for you.(guys cant read minds) Im sure if youve been together this long a little issue like this isnt going to break the relationship, and Im sure that even if he never stands up for you again, you still know in your mind that that small personality flaw is just one against many of his other great qualities. You may even find that it did really make him mad-he just didnt find it nesacary to pick on a drunk guy-I mean really..is it so important that you would have your BF maybe get beat up just to show your other friends that he loves you that much?
@Pcgecko85@xanga - Am I the only one who agreed with this?
Just bc a drunk guy shoved you, you expect your guy to go over there, confront him, and maybe, just maybe, get into a fist fight for you? Hm. Get real.
You're at a party with plenty of drunks. I'm sure people are going to do things that are out of the ordinary.
But if you want a macho man, why are you still there after five years???
That is pretty sad that your boyfriend is such a wimp, I am guessing if it came to a real situation like being mugged or carjacked he would probably push you down and run for safety. He might as well have a sex change now and become one of your girlfriends.
If it was me I would probably have had to pull my girlfriend off of this guy, someone shoves her she shoves back, if it is a guy she usually does not hesitate to put a knee in his crotch.
If you plan on staying with this guy you should think about taking up some self defense classes.
Sounds like you are pretty insecure. If you got that embarrassed about something that is really no big deal I think you should re-evaluate how much other people's opinions affect you. I would have said something to the guy if he did it on purpose but if it was an accident and everybody else already jumped his shit about it, what would be the point?
Man's problem again ...
The fact he was willing to thank the guy for apologizing but not to tell him to stop pushing you...he is a real pansy. If he can't stand up for you, he can't stand up for himself. I would be turned off if my boyfriend can't tell me what's going on in his mind.
woowww. five years with him? someone who doesnt stick up for you? what if someone tries something else next time.. what will he do?
id say assess your relationship.. how he really feels about you. If it were me, id leave the guy already.. i want someone who will protect and stand up for me.
haha, my EX bf didn't stand up for me in similar situations...that is why he is my EX now :P
@nobodyknows8116@xanga - Here's what happened. A party happened. People tend to get drunk and crazy at parties. It happens. She should get over it and stop whining, and if it bothers her that badly, why the fuck is she still in a relationship with this guy after 5 years?
I'm not a "tough guy". I'm not a "bad ass". But, if someone, boy OR girl laid a hand upon the girl I love, the soul I desire more than anyone; I would destroy them. I'm not a hot head either. But, Blood would flow. I don't like to fight, except for a good reason, and I can not think of any better than fighting for the one you love Really, had I been there, and had you been mine, that kid would of been laid out!
@Dustin_wind@xanga - You can tell that this isn't the first time her boyfriend did not stick up for her, otherwise she would not be making a big deal about it. They've been together for 5 years, and he "STILL does not stick up for me". I'm guessing she's still with this guy because this is a personality trait she wants him to change, but not use as a sole reason to break up with him. I suggest that she talk it over with him about it, not just about the drunk guy situation, but all the other times he didn't stick up for her. And if her BF still doesn't change, she needs to reevaluate the relationship and think about whether this is something to make up or break up over.
I'd shove the drunk guy myself if my bf didn't do a thing. It's not even about being tough or confrontational, he should stick up for you because it's concerned with your SAFETY. does he not care that you could have been hurt? and instead of hurting inside, you should just sit him down and EXPLAIN to him (draw him a diagram or use a powerpoint presentation to be CLEAR on your points) why it upsets you when he doesn't seem to react to a DRUNK GUY shoving you in a party, in public, when he should have PROTECTED you! If he doesn't get it, you should either accept that he doesn't understand your idea of chivalry or whether or not you want to be with someone who doesn't stick up for you regardless of the time you've spent with him.
i'm surprised you didn't have a talk with him about this after 1-2 yrs!! good luck!+_+