In March, my boyfriend and I decided our usual Friday night date would consist of seeing the newest comedy, "
I Love You, Man". I had heard things here and there about the plot, but I wasn't
completely aware of the main focus until we left the theater later that night.
Despite its hilarious nature, the movie was somewhat of a sore subject for us. Why? The film centers around the general idea of men without friends and ultimately how it can affect a relationship. The problem? Similarly to Paul Rudd's character, my guy has no friends.
It isn't that he's antisocial. Aside of being somewhat shy, my boyfriend is a relatively friendly person. In high school he had a small group of constants that he spent his time with. College came and went, and now at 24 he has trouble meeting other guys his age that have similar interests.
His high school buddies have gone off to do other things and they have all drifted apart. In college he was somewhat introverted, graduating with only a few minor acquaintances. He has a full time job, but it is only a temporary position while he looks elsewhere in his field.
The truth is, I am an incredibly social girl. I have a ton of "best friends" and a lot of people in my life that I talk to on a daily basis. Being his only real friend is difficult for me. It causes problems when I want time to myself, as I constantly worry that he is just sitting alone at home playing video games.
In order to flourish and thrive as a couple, I feel that we both need our own social lives. I feel that we would be less dependent on each other emotionally if we both had other people who we saw and spoke with regularly. What should we do? How should he go about making friends? How important do you think this is in a relationship?
Comments (53)
You want your boy friend have a boy friend ?
So gay ....
it is very important for both of you to have your own friends. it's nice going out with the girls or hanging with the boys. you each need your own life and the life that you share together...otherwise it will tear you apart. trust me. you'll grow to hate the other person because he/she clings to much and relies on your help for everything. they'll start to become more dependent and you'll lose who you are...bitter subject. lol.
It would be definately better for your boyfriend to have more friends
It's good to have other friends to be able to depend on.
i think it's very important, for me anyhow... I would never want to date someone that didn't have their own group of friends. If he has a hobby or something though that's usually a good way to meet people... does he like... anime, comic books, reading, poetry, model airplanes? It's a good place to start for finding people of similar interests. Or hang out with other couples from your own group, so that he can get a chance to chill with new people.
I have a friend (in high school) who is the sam way. Straight - but has no other guy friends. His problem, which I agree with COMPLETELY, is that boys nowadays are just so immature! Maybe that's what your boyfriend has. I don't think that it's a bad thing you're his only real friend... but if you really want him to meet new friends, maybe suggest it - jokingly at first - to him? I don't know. It's hard for me to give advise, because it wouldn't bother me.
He should meet other friends if he wants to. But you shouldn't feel obligated if he's just staying at home playing video games. Maybe he enjoys it.
Oh I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE THAT MOVIE!
This article is a bit alarmist. What I see in this is a wondering why your boy friend can't be MORE LIKE YOU. You are not him, and he is not you. All you can really say right now, is that you don't like that he doesn't have a lot of friends LIKE YOU DO. You seem to have a problem with it, although you haven't stated any problems that have arisen for it. The thing is, people aren't like you, and some people are wired to carry only a few relationships. And that's fine. Unless there is a direct relationship between him not having many friends and any other problems he, or your relationship has, then there is nothing to worry about it. Its not a sign of immaturity. You're issue, from what i can see, is merely a preference of the type of guy you want, and since he doesn't fit you see it as a being a problem.
All that said (sorry if that sounded rude, lol), you need to tell him how you feel. And if he wants to change, than that much the better. I feel as long as he is ready and willing to work on that part of his life, there is nothign wrong with this situation.
I had this problem in my previous relationship, except I was the person that had trouble meeting people, and he was incredibly social. It was really unfair, considering he was still hanging out with all his high school buddies, and I had just began college, and I was having issues meeting people locally I could stand being around because people my age are just so moronic. Anyway, he kept telling me to GO OUT, MEET PEOPLE, but that's not what you DO. That's just people, and then you're meeting people in places that you wouldn't normally go, so chances are, you won't have anything substantial in common with them. It really pissed me off, and it was on this point (among others) we finally broke up--because I couldn't be more outgoing with people I have nothing in common with, nor really care to be around.
And what's stupid is that I had MALE friends, but he was too uncomfortable with me hanging out with them that I didn't, and then he yelled at me for having no friends. It was really fucked up.
Unless he's directly clinging, don't let it be an issue. There's nothing wrong with staying home and playing video games. Not everyone needs constant verification from "friends" in order to function. He shouldn't feel obligated to hang out with people JUST to hang out, because that's what society dictates. If he finds people he wants to be around, then he'll be around them.
ah ha, you're assuming that his "video" games does not give him enough social contact that he would come to you with his needs. You might be wrong there, Online games sometimes gives you more social contact than you need, true you don't really know those people but don't forget whether the game is real or not does not matter, the emotions you feel while playing is definitely real, the conversations you have with "online" friends are real social contact talking about important subjects to us whether it be something about the game or a discussion on politics or ranting about our annoying little sister. Yes I have had actual meaningful discussions while playing a online game heres a example from like 1-2 years ago.
http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d82/shadowsong1212/WoWScrnShot_022308_141713.jpg
Discussion on politics xD
http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d82/shadowsong1212/ladyvasha.jpg
the joy of working together with 10 people to down a boss in a video game.
Boss = fake,
our happiness = real
Sort of ashamed to say...I barely have any guy friends at all. I could count how many guy friends I have on one hand...Thing is, at school, had alot of guy friends, but alot of them...just were either douches, or friends i didn't have a connection with at all. It's not like I look for bad in people, and dont consider them friends...the only friends I really keep, are the friends I can trust my money with.
So, my guy to girl ratio on the friendship scale...is 1:6 approximately. I just get along with girls alot better, go figure.
As for your guy...Send him to a Sports Bar.
"...as I constantly worry that he is just sitting alone at home playing video games"
haha that's cute.
what do you guys do as a couple? just do things in public, with your group of friends, and their group of friends and keep moving away in degrees and have him make more friends. it's not really that hard is it?
with me and my bf, its the other way around. im the one sitting at home (yes, playing video games :P) and hes the social one with all the friends. i really dont have a problem with it. i have enough family that im close to, and i have him, i dont need friends. im not a very outgoing person anyway, so its ok for me. :) maybe its ok for him as well.
i like it when its just you and your SO alot, and when you ned alone time take it. I am sure he is fine with it. Just ask him when your not with him if he is lonely or not.
I don't think it's a bad thing for him to not have any friends, he has you, His co workers will be enough man contact. Some guys are just loners and that's not bad.
In my relationship we have similar problems...but I'm the less social one. I have a group of extremely close friends, but they're far away...he has the same problem. We both work at small companies with people at least 20 years our senior, so that doesn't work too well. We're both out of college so it's more difficult to meet people. He's trying now and he's "acquiring" some new friends, but because I'm studying to prepare for the MCAT so I can get into a medical school, between him and studying and work, my time is literally consumed. He doesn't seem to understand though...he just kept on telling me that if we want a healthy relationship we should both make some new friends (instead of just having each other as friends). I understand where he's coming from completely, but I also get frustrated that he doesn't seem to see what's my priority right now...and it's also a little upsetting when he chose his new friends over me, saying that "I need to hang out with them more to develop the friendships." Well, we have a long distance relationship, and sometimes he would ask me to leave town earlier when I visit him just so it would free up time for him and his friends...
I know your point but I sympathize with your BF. I mean, Have one best guy friend and a few scattered others. But, I have many friends whom are girls. None of my ex's have cared though because I am pretty lone wolf, and it always helped add something different to my persona as a man.
So...? I have more girl friends than guy friends and I'm closer to my female friends.
@Icecold4u@xanga - 1:6... geeze. I have about 1:4 max. lol
One of my friends has a boyfriend who has the same issue. I'd love for him to have some guy friends, but he just doesn't want any.
I would want my boyfriend to have at least a few friends, but if he's happy with just you, that's fine. Do what makes you happy. You can try introducing him to some of your guy friends. That'd be a great place to start.
Haven't you learned anything from that movie? Set him up on some man dates, of course!
If he worries about this issue, then perhaps it's a problem you should address. But maybe he doesn't really even care? Talk to him about it. You can always try to set him up with some of your guy friends for some male bonding time.
Do you or your gf's have any guy friends? If so, invite them all over to hang out on a few occassions while he's with you. Do things with your girlfriends and guy friends, enabling him chances to meet guys you think he'd get along fairly well with. Introduce him to a few, and then while the girls socialize, let the guys hang. You know? That may help.
Also, have you talked about this with him? Does he want to find guy friends? If he's like my guy, then probably not. But my guy isn't the social type, so... haha. :) But yeah, ask him if you don't know. If he's interested in finding new friends, then introduce him to some of your's or some of your friend's friends. Just make sure they're good people, you know? :)
<3, ~*Akarui Mitsukai*~
@a_single_raindrop@xanga - Agreed. :)
Having friends is very important for someone in a relationship. I don't hog my girlfriend every single day, and I do not wish her doing so to me. Thus, having our own friends is definitely important.
Oh, my goodness can I ever relate! Only, I'm married to him and he doesn't have any friends where we live. Gaaahhh! As for all the people who say he might not care--that's not true. Guys like this who are with girls like us are incredibly jealous of us having friends. It can even create strain on the relationship. Plus, sometimes they don't appreciate "borrowing" friends from us--they want to make their own, but just don't/can't sometimes. Some of the best times we've had are when we do double dates--they work okay, but that doesn't mean he necessarily strikes up a friendship right away. I suggest double dates and talking to him about it before it creates arguments in your relationship. Also, it sounds like he needs really committed friends (hence the reason he had trouble making them in college and at his 'temporary' job)--tell him that it's important to be committed to where he is (at least to a certain degree) in order to try and make those friends. Until he accepts that he's going to stay somewhere, it's hard to put down roots in order to make friends. Good luck!