Monday, 15 June 2009
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Congratulations, I'm Not Happy for You
I'm currently twenty years old, yet I feel like I'm much older than I really am. Is there anyone else who feels this way? Or do I need to reflect before you make a decision? Honestly, only a couple days ago did I officially decide that I'm much older than the rest of the crowd I have/do surround myself with. they are all around the same age as me eighteen, nineteen, twenty. But it's their decisions and activities they pursue that make me feel like the "old-fashioned hag." I've recently been invited to many weddings that my friends (or people that I went to high school with) are throwing. May I remind you that they are only eighteen or nineteen years old. I've turned down every invite just for satisfaction that I have not been bitten by the "I'm old enough to do anything" bug. But the result is anything but satisfactory. In truth, I feel as though I'm the loner still looking for a man; the one that everyone says, "oh honey, you'll find your groom one day" to when I show up at wedding receptions. Okay, so I'm not that person. I am in a loving and committed relationship that has been going on for about six years and counting. I've been with my guy for almost four or so years longer than the soon-to-be brides have with theirs. So if anything, I should be the one sending out the invites. I get the "I fell in love and now we are getting married" stage but honestly, does it really have to be now? You've just started college (if some even have)! So really, the question I always think behind my "I'm so happy for you" smile is, "why the rush"?
Some may call it jealousy, but it's definitely - in no shape or form - any type of jealously. In my opinion I feel as though they are rushing into something that you are supposed to be excited about in the stages of getting older. These days it seems once they turn eighteen and become legal adults, they want to experience everything all at once. I always joke and say, "you know, you just got your license two years ago," but they just roll their eyes and tell me I'm such the parental unit. After hearing that, I started actually considering myself to be the parental unit in my circle of friends. It's true. I am the one always making everyone second-guess their rushed decisions. I do remind everyone the rules when it comes to doing something that most people would enjoy when they are just "wanting to have a little fun". So I guess that's right. I'm the killjoy; the parental unit.
While all my friends are getting married, already having children and purchasing their own apartments at this very moment, I should actually feel younger, not older. Their decisions should make me feel like a child; younger than they are because they are advancing in their so-called adult life. But I definitely don't feel younger. I feel much older for the choices I make. The choices that I feel make me responsible. I've always said I wanted to space things out so that I'll have something to look forward to while I'm getting older. So I'd rather space out my engagement, my wedding, having my first child, purchasing my first house, etc... is it wrong that I want the same for the people around me? If that makes me a parental unit, then so be it. While everyone rushed to pursue their adult activities, I'll be the one handing out invites years later while they are basking in envy that all of their adult opportunities/activities have all vanished because they rushed into them when they were eighteen years old. You won't see me rushing anytime soon.
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About the Author
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- From: sunshinesasha@xanga
- Name: Sasha
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 1909 Comments: 0 82 View all posts by sunshinesasha@xanga
Comments (86)
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Wow, I don't know anybody at age 18 or 19 who are getting married. That's kind of young for me. But it's their life!
I'm glad you came to the realization that you want to wait. :D
Eh, I kinda get it. I just got married - I'm 19, 20 in less than 2 months, and it had nothing to do whatsoever with rushing out to do adult stuff.
Honestly? I've always hung out with an older crowd because I've always felt older than anyone my age. I've been drinking in bars since I was 17, sampled drugs earlier than that, dated older guys, blah blah blah. I even started college before graduating high school. I've been to crazy parties, I've been hardcore irresponsible, and I've made STUPID decisions.
Basically, by this point in my life I'm exhausted. I had a lot of fun, sure, but I don't really feel like doing all that anymore. I wanted to settle down. I want to make intelligent plans, to build a future, etcetera, I love my husband, and he's basically at the same point I am. We both finally realized we're over the dating scene, over (most of) our immaturity, and we wanted to settle down together. We still go out with friends and have a good time, but it's more subdued...and honestly, it's more fun that way.
But to be frank, if it wasn't my exact situation, I'd probably feel the same way. But again, I've never thought of myself as 19. I feel like I'm 30, at least, if not 80.
This is awesome.
You are highly mature for your age, and I agree with everything you say. There is NO rush, and to think otherwise is IMmature, not the other way around.
The other thing as well is that when you're there being the sympathetic shoulder as your friends get divorced, experience foreclosure and single-parenthood, you'll be well on your way to being in a stable, wonderful relationship with a great longterm outlook with all your friends asking you... "how did you do it!?"
Sad but true.
Great post.
I totally agree. My friends are in the same age range and there was a wedding a week ago and one planned for later this year. I have a gf that I plan on marrying... in about four years... after my degree. So, I have money. Cause, that is what bugs me the most is that they have gotten married and have very little income.
Yeah, a lot of my high school and college friends are getting married and pregnant these days (I know of 3 pregnancies, 3 or 4 recent births, and 2 weddings?).
Ultimately, I agree with you. I want to wait for these things. The way I see it is that my early 20s are exciting enough without a wedding or baby.
At the same time, I think about my friends and I am kind of jealous. I know that I'm not ready for a husband or child, but the thought is exciting and I am tempted to not be so patient about it sometimes.
Great post! And your pic is so cute lol!
I always feel too old for my age group. I'm the other half of an "old married couple" It's one of those things you never thought you would be.
being 19 with a mindset of 30 has its pros and cons.
Great post.
I've always hung out with older people. Though I'm starting to get worried. Half of the friends who are my age are getting married and having kids. WHY DON'T THEY WEAR PROTECTION?! lol
IMO, 20 is too young to get married. But who am I to tell them how to run their lives? lol
Good for you. Rushing things is pretty lame. Everyone is different though. Hopefully your friends don't all get divorced. That would be sad.
good for you,
i can never imagine getting married at 18 or 19. At that point alot of people dont even know what to do with their lives!
There are no words at the amount I relate to you. Props to you. Live while you're young, you got your whole life ahead of you.
I've turned down every invite just for satisfaction that I have not been bitten by the "I'm old enough to do anything" bug.
I think it's great that you know what you want, but I think everyone has their own timeline. If they're truly your friends, wouldn't you at least want to celebrate in their joy? I don't think it's jealous, but I don't understand what satisfaction you get from turning down their wedding invites and refusing to attend their special day... even if what they've chosen is not what you chose for your own relationship. Wouldn't you be sad if someone close to you turned down your future wedding invite for the 'satisfaction' because they didn't believe in getting married later on in life?
Well, if they're mature enough to handle a relationship responsibly and maturely, maybe their marriages will work out; in which case there's no harm done. However, if they're going into all this blindly with the ideals they caught in their first grade of highschool, I'd say there's problems on the horizon for them.
I know girls from my school who're pregnant, not married, and not even 18. That's even worse.
I got married when I was 19. Not because of any sort of "OH I can do whatever I want now!" stage. Yeah right. That's a dumb reason to get married, yeah? Truthfully, I was still wanting to be in my run around and party stage. But then I met...him. And I just knew.
Here we are 2 years and one 13 month old baby later!
I wouldn't worry too much about other people- it's their own life. But I agree about rushing... I really want to be sure that I make the right decision before I do anything.
I'm 20 years old and i'm JUST like you.
You really can't expect other people to amke the same decisions as you because "it's the responsible thing to do". What is right for you may not be right for the whole world. I know a lot of people who got married when they were nineteen or twenty - 30 years down the line they're still happily married with no regrets. I also know loads of people who were with their spouses for years before getting married, then got married, and divorced months later.
So really, how can you stand there and tell us that we are irresponsible for making a decision in our lives?? I got married last year. My husband is 25 now, and I'm turning 21. No kids yet, we're waiting on that one. Am I being irresponsible? Are you going to stand there and say that I'm irresponsible? I don't know about your friends, but I thought long and hard before making this decision, and I'm still happy with it. I expect I will be for quite a while to come.
Glad you have a partner, glad he's been with you for so long. It's great that you don't feel the need or urge to get married yet - that's your style, that's your way of living. I'm not going to tell you that it's irresponsible for you to be doing what makes YOU happy. Yet in a year, you could be single, just like any of those friends of yours that got married.
And by-the-way, get off your miserable high-horse and live life on earth with the rest of us normal human beings. Take off your superman cape for an afternoon and support your friends in their decisions. Turning down wedding invitations just for a sense of moral superiority? You're not a parental unit, you're just plain selfish.
i know this girl that I went to highschool with, we aren't close but have a lot of mutual friends, and she just got married. she went to a university for a single semester and concluded that she'd be having a better time if she got married and went to be someone's wife before pursuing an educational degree or a career. in this day and age, it saddens me that she'd rather do that than to BE A WOMAN of something. She has always made marriage and family life as something 'fun' to do and it'll be far easier than to establish a functioning career. She made marriage something that she can throw together like a last minute bbq and that it'll be fun and games. I wasn't invited to the wedding but my best friend was and she and I talked about how we're glad that we didn't think like she did. No, we don't have a superiority complex (neither do you) but I think it's healthy that as a young early 20s woman, you're not in a rush to get married.
"Do all that you've ever dreamt of doing, be all that you've wanted to become and then when you've experienced everything that this life has to offer JUST for you, go enjoy another adventure with someone you love in matrimony. That could be in your late 20s or early 30s but take your time." This is what my father has to said to me when my mom told me to get married before I'm 29. That's 2 yrs from now. O_o But I pass on his wisdom to you as well. :)
I consider myself the parental unit in all my groups of friends too. I kinda realized that I just thought differently or didn't share the common adolescent behavior like most kids in my class during my 7th grade health class; everyone was laughing during the sex ed section while I just sat there without giggling or making some juvenile comment. I guess some people just mature faster than others, that's just how it goes.
the people i know who got married at that age were because of religious backgrounds and so be it, but i personally dont want to get married any time soon and im 22 and my bf is 25. this marriage topic came up last night when i tried to ask my parents if i could go away on a holiday with my bf and my mum said.. "sure when you get married you can go to hawaii for your honeymoon"
of course i told my bf what mum said and he said lets get engaged! O_O
we have been dating for almost 8 months, i really dont think getting engaged for a holiday is the best idea, he might think so and say hes soo in love with me that he wants to marry me but its only been 8 months!
as much as i fantasize about my wedding day and everything i really dont think its something you do right after high school nor something you do during college and nor something you do until you are financially capable of forming a family of your own.
It depends on the couple. I've noticed that a lot of my friends that married in their late teens or early 20s have very little income after the mortgage and bills are paid; gets worse when kids are involved. So they end up spending more time working than being with their families.
I, on the other hand, plan on spending more time with my future husband and kids than at work. I want to be able to take 4 or 5 months of maternity leave and not worry about the financial consequences. The standard state pays about 3 months (when my sis had her two kids a while back). I also want to be able to be available to take care of my kids and husband in the future.
I've been with my bf since I was 21 and him 22. He just turned 28 and I'm going to turn 27 at the end of the year. We've been together since our early 20s and we do plan to get marry in a few years when we are more financially. So don't feel bad, I know I am not.
@the_hidden_angel@revelife - Omfg! thank you
You said everything I wanted to say
WOW! This is exactly how I feel!! I know of at least ten girls age 18/19/20 who are either pregnant, or married. One of the girls from 2008 senior class just had twins! It's ridiculous. The majority of the time these pregnancies weren't planned, and that just makes it worse for the children. Especially if the couple doesn't decide to get married. And even if they do, these marriages are with children marrying children! I think anything below 22 is too young to marry. But what do I know, I guess.
Thank you for writing this. =)
Ug. Yeah I was one of those, and now I'm divorced. But at least I learned from my mistake and now I am the girl that, along with you, shakes her head at anyone making that mistake. I'm 27 now and am taking it slow and steady...hoping I do get married "for real" one day but no rush, it'll be right when it's right.