Scott, my current/possibly ex-boyfriend and I began dating about 6 months ago. Before that we were really good friends for quite some time, and then started randomly hooking up, and then became an official couple. About a month or so ago, Scott and I started getting into little arguments because I felt like he wasn't as interested in spending time with me as I was with him. I realized we were spending less and less time together as weeks went on and I wanted to turn things around. He claimed that I was being a little smothering and that he had too much on his plate right now to spend as much time with me as he used to. Then we started to lose the intimacy in our relationship.
I know this might be TMI, but we were basically having sex every day, if not multiple times a day, for the first few months of our relationship. It slowly went down to a few times a week, to once a week, to once every other week, and as of today, it will be exactly five weeks since the last time we were in bed together. And I seem to be the only one upset about this.
Last night I called Scott to see if he wanted to hang out because we hadn't seen each other in a few days. He told me he "didn't feel like doing anything" because he was having a bad day. I asked what was wrong and then he immediately went into how we should take a break from each other.
He feels like I want a relationship that requires more time together than he can offer. Other than that, he says he loves everything about our relationship. He also claims that while he loves me and cares about me and I am his "best friend", he doesn't know if he wants a serious relationship at this point in his life (we're both 21 years old). I find this extremely frustrating because when we first started dating, he wanted things to get serious and I didn't, but over time I wanted a serious relationship as well. And the most frustrating part of it all is that he told me (direct quote) that I am "the perfect girlfriend" and there's nothing I did wrong, but that he just needs to spend some time apart to see if this is what he wants right now. So how can I fix something if there's nothing I'm doing wrong? I feel stuck. It's a hopeless feeling.
I love him so much. He is my best friend. And I know we care about each other. When we are together, we have the most amazing partnership. I am just hurt and confused because as much as I want to wait it out and give him space, I don't want it to be a wasted effort. I want him to miss me. I want him to beg for my forgiveness and tell me he was being a jerk. I don't want to move on because he means everything to me and I want this to work. But I don't want him to think he can just pick up and leave whenever he feels like it and expect me to wait around for him. What do you think I should do?
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Comments (41)
My best friend was in this exact same situation as you are. Just give him space, & some time to miss you. Leave him alone til he realizes he wants you back.
Don't take anybody's advice.
He's getting bored. That's all to it.
In the mean time, don't wait around. Six months is pretty much the 'you want it' or 'you don't want it' point in the relationship (to me, anyways).
My roomie was in that position for a weekend... it ended pretty quick because her boyfriend realized that he missed her and loved her- with a little dancing in the rain :)
Hopefully, he will be missing you when you aren't together for some time... and then you'll be together again :D
Men have emotional issues the same way women do, but men never want to talk about it out loud. This is probably his way of trying to deal with something he can't express in words. Maybe it has to do with you, maybe not.
My advice: be single for a while. Have fun with your girls. If you find someone new that sparks your interest (which if you really love your boy might not even be an issue), wait for him to make a move- if he does, work from there. Don't pursue anything right now. Give him space and lean on your girls (or platonic male friends) for support.
Given time, you will have perspective on the situation and see whether your relationship can/will/should restart.
I'm in a similar situation... without the sex and without the communication (so it's like I have an imaginary boyfriend). Plus, we've only been going out for three months. I'm very close to breaking up with my boyfriend. He knows it too. Assuming that he doesn't change his ways, then he isn't treating me right, he doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with me and he simply doesn't want me. He's been warned. Now it's up to him to make a decision and act on it. As for me, I just need to figure out how much more time to give him to shape up before I break it off.
i know exactly how you feel.
same thing just happened to me.
he started out wanting something serious, and now that he's graduating high school, he realized he wants something... not serious.
but he love our relationship and blahblahblah.
same thing as you.
and i think i'm going to wait and see if he calls, and if he wants to get back together, make him prove it, so that he doesn't think he can just win you back right away and then do that again.
it's time to move on babe. he said it, he used the phrase, let's take a break...that means in my past experiences, i don't think we should see each other anymore. plus you guys haven't had sex in 5 weeks and you guys used to do it all the time? it's time to move on.
dont talk to him for a few days
make him work for you <3
same thing kinda happened to me..she said she needed space and she said that i was blind from all our love, but i let her go because i loved her and she really wanted to do it. then my friend hooked up with her and after a while she felt bad about it and asked me what she should do about it... so i gave her advice and we eventually got back together. maybe im still blind lol.
but i say go out and be single for a while, transfer some of that love you have for him to yourself so you dont lose your mind, because you dont deserve to go through all this crap, and if you still want to be with him when he comes back then all is well.
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - Ooo. Paradox.
I'd say give him an ultimatum of sorts. Not a "You be happy with me right now or that's it!" but gently explain that you're trying to fix the problem, but he isn't giving you a clear idea as to what the problem is. Tell him you'll leave him alone for a while, to sort his thoughts out, but set a time limit and say that you don't want to wait around forever if he knows he really doesn't want to be together. If he wants to be with you then he'll tell you. If not, then accept it, but don't become one of those break up-get back together-break up-get back together couples.
That hasn't happen to me girl because I tell it to them like it is. Girl you should pull him aside and ask him. It would be in your best interest. If he seems as thow he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore, then just leave him and move on. Tiffany.brice@gmail.com
I feel your pain sweetie. Sounds like while you started out friends first, you might have moved into the physical side a little too early. Try to have him come clean with his feelings. if he wont... move on. cuz theres no need for you to be in an emotional turmoil any longer than you have to be.
welll for now, all you can do is just live your life. just concentrate on you. if he decides to come back, then you can take him back or not. but for now, just chill out and concentrate on you
basically, the same thing happened to me. if he really wants to be with you... he will. and if he doesn't, then just brush yourself off because he's not worth the trouble you would put yourself through.
What a tool.
early 20's are a tough time, he may really be busy - be tough, try to stick it tough. I'm a med student and I know many many people in this situation. We're not lying - it's really true!
I wouldn't ruin a good partnership (if what you're saying is true) just because he can't handle everything at the moment. If anything, he needs your friendship and understand now...just my thought. He'll probably be more appreciative of your understanding and this may ultimately make you stronger.
This of course all depends on how good of a relationship you have and this would be moot if there are actually other dynamics going on in your relationship that you're not mentioning...
"He feels like I want a relationship that requires more time together
than he can offer. Other than that, he says he loves everything about
our relationship. He also claims that while he loves me and cares
about me and I am his "best friend", he doesn't know if he wants a
serious relationship at this point in his life (we're both 21 years
old). "
Again, he's telling you that everything except the time issue is "perfect"...and that you're his "best friend"... that's huge for a guy, imo. Most girls couldn't elicit those statements from their bfs if they tried. And he's telling you exactly what he needs, and communicating with you - this isn't some vague statement about how he doesn't have feelings for you or that he doesn't want to communicate, but simply seems to be a time issue.
On the other hand if you really don't think you have it in you to be understanding about his situation and need more than he can provide at this time, then maybe it would be best for both of you to take a break...but do think about this through and be sure about your decision. I've gone through something sort of similar and from my experience now that we're broken apart, things will never go back to the way they were... It was a loss for the both of us, imo, which is why I'm urging some caution and not to make a rash decision.
Good luck!
Just give him space and hopefully he'll realize that he needs you as much as you need him.
Good luck.
Speaking from experience on both sides of this coin, it sounds like at the moment, he doesn't want much to do with you.
That's the only real information I can provide. How you handle it is your own deal. Good luck! :)
When I have a lot of work, my sex drive tends to take a hit. And sometimes, keeping a SO happy feels like a second job too. I think giving him some space will help out.
in every relationship, you're going to experience a point in time when the "puppy love" fades away. that may happen at different times for each person. then, to one person, it feels like their getting smothered by the other. don't get me wrong - just because "puppy love" fades away doesn't mean the relationship fades away too - it just means that you're entering a new stage.
also, don't let little arguments grow into something they're not. there's no relationship that is perfect, and they all experience a few rough times.
try being supportive and understanding, give him a little space for a while - but don't just sit at home and do nothing and let him know that you're sitting at home doing nothing. go out and keep busy for a week or two. let him contact you.
but if you don't feel like you're getting anywhere after you've given a good effort, and after you've talked to him, then you can think about calling it off.
take care, and good luck.
He sounds annoying. If he doesn't come around in a maximum of 2 weeks, ditch him.
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - I totally agree. The only person that can truly understand your situation is you - you're living it and you're having to deal with it.
I'm going through a slightly similar situation, and all I can say is everybody's two cents only complicate my thoughts and confuse me even more. Sooner or later you'll know what's right for you.
I understand how you feel. I'm kinda in a similar situation, and all I can tell you is to just give him space and let him miss you for a while. When he realizes how much he needs you, he'll return.
Best of luck. :)