Monday, 15 June 2009
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Can You Be Married And Have Friends of The Opposite Sex?
Several of my very good friends consist of a group of Polynesian guys. Before I met my husband, they were the men I turned to when I was tired of the dating roller coaster. I could always count on them to be consistent with me, even if it consisted of hanging out in a garage talking story, playing the uke and drinking kava till the sun rose. I would just hang out with them for a weekend and get my “man” fix without having to worry if they liked me or if they would call me back after I left. They always did, and I had no reason to worry if they liked me because I knew they loved and respected me like a sister.The first guy I ever brought into the mix got the 3rd degree from my boys. Like any brother would, they checked him out and decided he wasn’t worthy of their respect or mine and pretty much mean mugged him the entire night. This guy got a little pissed and with good reason. It was such an awkward situation because the boys would be talking about something and, as I would chime into the conversation, my date changed the subject and demanded my attention. He never tried to be their friend; as a matter of fact, when I left for the restroom I came back and he was rapping for them. I tried stopping my date but he insisted. As we left the garage I heard the boys bursting into laughter. A day hasn’t gone by since then to where they don’t make fun of me for bringing that fool home to them.
Anyway, I ended up going out with “the fool” who later on turned out to be a complete psycho. He deleted my boys’ phone numbers from my cell phone while I was asleep and then forbade me to hang out with them, saying it wasn’t right for a girl to be hanging out with guys and that they clearly have ulterior motives with me.
So for two years I stopped seeing the boys and dove head first into an abusive relationship. Fortunately, I hid the relationship from the guys otherwise they would have probably kicked his ass (now I sort of wish I told them).
My boys met my now-husband in a Polynesian concert and took an immediate liking to him. A few of them were skeptical, but overall they approved of my husband’s friendly nature and respect for our friendship. When one of them gently warned my husband (then my boyfriend) that I was a good girl and he’d better not mess me up, he shook his head explained in a serious tone that he’s not that kind of a guy and that he would do his best to make me happy.
My husband has always given me the freedom to hang out with my boys. When one of them calls me, he never questions our conversation, just politely asks me to say “hello” on his behalf and then asks if we’d ever want to double date, much to the dismay of my guy friends, who are too macho to “double date” with their “sister”.
Recently my parents have advised me not to hang out with my guy friends so much because I’m married. Number one, I don’t hang out with them at all – maybe once or twice a year but usually our “hanging out” has resorted to merely talking over the phone. And number two, they’re all pretty much married with children as well.
So the saying goes that it’s impossible to have friendships with the opposite sex without one of them having ulterior motives. That makes me think of the psycho but perhaps if my parents are warning me then maybe there’s something to be said about “the saying”.
My husband could care less, he likes my Poly boys and has friends of the opposite sex as well. But I always wonder...am I naive when it comes to my friendship with the opposite sex? Does my psycho ex-boyfriend have a point?
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- From: WaterfallPhilosophies@xanga
- About Me: I'm a new mom to a beautiful boy and a wife to a wonderful man.
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Comments (65)
Just because you're married doesn't mean you aren't allowed to have guy friends. That's just ridiculous.
When you're married, you're not allowed to have any friends.
There's a thing called trust. Your husband's cool with it, that's really all that matters.
your s.o. is supposed to be your best friend in marriage.
Of course you can have friends of the opposite sex when married. I wouldn't marry someone who didn't allow that.
"Alright, we're married, drop your friends plz."
It's always a big deal in dating and marriage about having friends of the opposite sex. Bottom line is if you first start dating a girl and she has more guy friends then girl friends and you have a problem with that. You should either bring it up right then and there and try to get over it. Cuz chances are they aren't going to ditch their friends just to be with you. And if they do. Well they aren't a very good friend now are they?
good for you and your husband. :) if a person can't trust a spouse to have opposite sex friends, there is trouble in that relationship.
NO YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO.
IF YOU DO, YOU'RE CHEATING ON HIM.
DUH.
Um, your ex was psycho. I would think twice about any points he tried to make.
You and your husband have clearly demonstrated that it's possible to befriend the opposite sex without any ulterior motives. I have at least one good male friend that I've known since elementary school, and he and I only see each other as buddies. At one point in middle school he may have had a crush on me, but it never interfered with our friendship.
Ah, it wouln't work for either one of us and we are cool with that. She has girl friends and I have guy friends. Your life is your life. But then nether one of hangs out with anybody in their garage. That seems different. I usually just put my car and tools there. She has the washer machine and dryer there. Your garage is your garage.
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - Or sex.
According to your psycho ex, do bisexual people have the right to have any friends at all when they're in a relationship?
As you said, he was psycho. Why would you listen to him?
lol of course you can.
i will find a husband that lets me have friends of the oppoite sex.
@noree_n@xanga - Indeed, it is really depends on what KIND of guy friends do you have and what KIND of person are you. Just don't cheat on your husband and let him know that you are hanging out with guy friends when you do. I hope he is cool with it. Often time husbands don't.
What, you can have friends that are the opposite sex, jeez.
if he trusts you then thats great.
Bullshit. I will never give up my guy friends.
I dont think it should be an issue. If your hubby approves and no inappropriate moves are made, then it is not a problem and is no one's business but yours and your husbands. good luck
Having friends of the opposite sex is all about trust, and boundaries. You and your hubby has to trust "you" to do the right thing if you're ever with them alone, and you have to trust them not to do anything either. As long as that trust is there, there's nothing wrong with it. There's not a rulebook on marriage, and if there wasn't it probably wouldn't say "once you get married, you have to have friends of the SAME gender ONLY". Or if it did it would totally and completely stupid.
Congrats on finding a not psycho hubby, and keeping your bestest friends in the world as well :D
Sounds like you have a great relationship and great friends. Your parents are just a little old fashioned, I have a few close guys friends and my parents thing I'm crazy. o_O
I'm glad my boyfriend's fine with me having good friends of the opposite sex. I have a lot of friends in both sexes, and so does he :) We couldn't get really "jealous" of one another if we were married
Yes. Married or not, you are allow to have friends even if they are the opposite sex.
only if you`re gay .
lmao, j/k ..
kinda ..
xoxo .
The best situation to be in is to be married to a guy and your best guy friends are also your husband's best guy friends. :)
To each their own! I think you have a great relationship with your guy friends, and a very supportive husband who lets you have your space with them...your parents really have no business telling what you should and shouldn't do in your relationship, and I personally wouldn't listen to them in this case. Believe it or not, guys and girls CAN have platonic relationships - I'm n engineering so most of my friends are guys (like 90%) and I would never date any of them, partly because I don't want to ruin a friendship. My boyfriend has met most of them, and he's never had any problems with me hanging out with them. And he shouldn't.