I'll be the first to admit that I hate being broken up with. We all do, but it's generally easier to cut ties with the person you break up with and have a frame of mind that says "he/she no longer feels the way he/she used to". It gives us closure.
But what happens when the person who breaks up with you tells you not only that they still love you, but want to continue hanging out on a regular basis?
I have gone through a lot of different emotions over the last few days, but next to the sadness and betrayal, the most overwhelming one has been determination. Looking at myself after the breakup, I realize the little things that may have fueled it (despite the fact that he says I did nothing wrong).
A. He always said I needed to be more confident
B. He said that I was a little too affectionate
C. That I was too nice.
These are things that I will readily admit to. I have very low self-esteem, am a very affectionate person who is very quick to end every text, email, or three minute conversation with "I love you", and I have a very hard time being mean or telling anyone "no" .
However, knowing that he still loves me and that I feel the same towards him, I am determined to win him back. His main issue during the breakup was feeling "trapped" (once again this apparently had nothing to do with me. He reiterated fifty times that I had been nothing but perfect) and that he felt like he was not right with himself.
I am, of course, the kind of girl more than willing to give him his space - but he wants to hang out this weekend! We broke up Tuesday!
Because I am determined to start winning him back, I have started doing little things that I needed to do anyway. I'm learning to say no and stand up for myself. I did it just today. I'm making little notes reading through different blogs and articles about the differences between how men and women view affection. I'm learning confidence, looking myself in the mirror and telling myself that I'm not ugly or stupid or worthless - beliefs left over from my relationship prior to this one - and on Sunday I am going to show up with a new hair color, a new hair cut, and his favorite shirt and jeans on. Why the last part?
Not because I'm trying to get him in bed, not because I'm trying to make him 'see what he is missing', but because knowing that I'm wearing something that attracted him to me will give me that boost of extra confidence. A fresh start, so to speak.
I do not intend to win him back overnight. I know that he still has his own issues to work through. Slow and steady wins the race, but I do truly believe he is worth it.
So what do you think? Have you ever been determined to not only win your ex back, but to also improve yourself in the process? Sometimes break ups can be the best thing for us. In this case, I'm learning much needed skills and am finally putting the past behind me.
Comments (34)
How can he tell you you are nothing but perfect if he also told you you need more confidence, are too affectionate and too nice?
I was like that with my ex the first time we broke up. He broke up with me before he left for school. We did end up getting back together, only to break up and do it again a few times. After a while it got old and I'm glad he's gone from my life now. He started putting me down a lot more than he did in the beginning and I was getting sick of it. He knew how sensitive I was and went from trying to avoid doing anything to hurt my feelings to using it against me.
Guys aren't all the same, but just be careful.
YES.
i am.
i'll do whatever it takes to improve.
and not because they say i need to improve on something.
i notice these things about myself too.
like you said, i readily admit to them.
and i'm willing to work on them.
i'd love to win him back.
Yupp in the process of it right now.
Once.
In high school.
Never again!
Never had an ex, so I can't really do that
But that's great that you're trying to be more confident! I've been trying sooo hard to be more confident because my boyfriend (and various people) tell me that I need to be more confident in myself. Yaay for confidence.
We should all strive to self-improve, so it's good to hear you're driven towards betterment.
Now, I don't know the particulars of your relationship, but just scratching the surface, I am going through the same situation.
I hope to win her back, and I'm doing a lot in the self-betterment, and doing the same to win her back. She seems to be unable to dettach herself from me. Like you, I see this as an opportunity to win her back. I love her to death, much like you love your SO.
I've hung out with her several weekends throughout the near two months that we've been broken up. Currently, I'm writing this from her computer in her apartment. I wish that I had some sort of insight to your conundrum, but me being two months ahead of you, doesn't seem to garner any extra insight. Not yet anyway.
I see that she loves me, I see that she has a very hard time expressing it as of late, and I think she's very scared. Other than that, I Have no idea what I'm doing.
Looking forward to hearing your progress!
Drop me a line.
Ooh, and for particulars, check my June 5th/6th post.
He's not an ex, but someone who at one point said he loved me, but then said he no longer felt that way and just wanted to be friends.
I don't know if he realizes how hard it is for me to be friends with him, especially because he "dumped" me and went back to his ex. I felt the desire to win him back, but realized that I would be out of line for doing so. I don't initiate conversation with him anymore, but when he says something to me, I just keep my cool and give him nonchalant answers. Meanwhile I'm trying to make myself a better person, primarily for myself, though I do want to show him what he could have had. It's useless because I know he doesn't care to have me back as anything other than a friend. Nonetheless, taking care of your flaws is never a bad idea. You're not limited to just getting your ex back, it makes you attractive to other people you meet.
I truly wish I was as FORTUNATE as he to have a girl so as you are.Â
yep, waste of time
this is great! The improvements you're making on yourself are worth much more than winning him back imo
Yeah i'm in the process of it, she's worth it, but I can't help but think she'll lose all the feelings she had for me, I've been at it for too long :(
Well, I've been down this road a time or two. If you have a chance to see him on a regular basis just don't. Avoid him and (if you have to) act as though you've got more important things to take care of. It's all a mind game that can be easily fulfilled by their jealousy through losing time with you. Something is definitely bringing doubts within him and I would say that it is options.
Self-improvement does good for anyone correctly using it, just don't let it turn into self-discipline or you've got larger problems on your hands. And hey, at least he's not saying that he loves you but he's not 'in love' with you and you are close enough to actually talk to him face to face if need be. I'm definitely stuck over a thousand miles away in this boat with no contact whatsoever unless she initiates, so keep your head up. There are brighter skies. :)
erms well. i mean if I really love the guy, I guess i would [in theory] but i dont know if i would in real life. haha can't really tell. good luck with that though!
@KasumiCelesta@xanga - I am doing the same thing like you do too girll.. =)
@DespiteAbove@xanga - Agreed...
Quick advice, you should be changing for you, not for some guy. If you have to change yourself for him, he's not for you.
My last breakup was one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. It was also one of the most painful, but through it I did a complete 180 and was able to find myself and my true best friends. I also ended up finding a guy who is intelligent, genuine, and makes me feel good about myself 100% of the time. I am the happiest I have ever been, and if I had gotten back together with my ex, I'd still be stuck in that rut, the same miserable person I was back then.
I can never thank my ex enough for doing what I wasn't strong enough to do at the time--he said no to me and all my stupid advances, even though saying no had to be very hard for him as well, and it was the right thing to do. I'm a better person for it, and I'm glad I lived through it. Somehow, amidst the heartbreak, I remember that first summer without him as one of the best of my life. There were a million tears and nights I spent furious at him, but through that I learned to depend on a few people, who I now know will be my best friends for life.
I hope that he doesn't take you back, not because I want you to be
unhappy or anything, but because you have an opportunity to grow in a
huge way, and if he takes you back, you won't experience that.
i changed a lot for my bf. and it actually did me some good because i became a lot more aware of other ppls intentions, and how to defend myself, and stand up for myself. i didnt have a lot of confidence before and i changed because the more i started to change for the better.. the better it got between me and my bf. so i dont regret changing for him at all cuz it made me a better person too.
best of luck!
youuu goo giiiiiiiiiirllll <3
I like your spirit. Hope things work out.
i did that with my current ex a few times before i officially ended things because i wanted to work things out because i thought i loved him. we kept hanging out together and then i would find myself back again in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere. eventually i realized that he didn't love me the way i should be loved by a man so i officially ended things with him just recently. it's hard to let go of a relationship when you're still friends with each other or hang out with the same crowd, but you have to also think if this relationship is good for you and if it really makes the two of you happy. if only one of you is happy, it's not fair to that person because one is suffering or wants out. i hope things get better for, time will heal every broken heart.
At first I was determined to win my ex back. Not anymore. Once I started to improve myself, my senses also came to me. Being confident again has made me realize that my ex didnt treat me the way I deserved to be treated. But I'm improving myself for me, going back to college was the biggest step I've taken so far.
Yes, I've been in this situation and totally won my ex back after he lost interest in me. It's not that hard to do if you act cheerful, and happy and elusive. But I realized when we got back together that he didn't deserve me because he only wanted me during the times I made him feel good about himself. He wasn't there for me in my down times and he accused me of being clingy and needing space when I needed him (like when my dad had a heart attack, I lost my job, etc). It sounds like you should find someone that you don't have to suppress parts of yourself to be with.
Everything you are doing sounds great. I would just add that you can't be afraid to lose him forever. Keep doing what you're doing and don't change it for him. Basically,show him that he's worse off without you, and if he can't see that, tough luck for him.
when my ex and i broke up i was devastated. i'm embarrased to say that i fell into zombie/craxy ex girlfriend mode. =p i did all i could to pretend that i was happy so he would think i was doing fine without him when i really wasn't. most of the time i didnt have to pretend, my friends helped me out of course, but deep inside i knew i wouldnt be completely happy until we were back together. 5 months later, we are. ^^
so congratulations for thinking through your situation logically. your goals are driven by your wanting to improve yourself, not just for him but for yourself as well. if he really is still in love with you like you say he is he wouldn't care abt the new improvements to your appearance. however, if the love is still there why not just get back together now?
Im always the one begging the other party.
Stupid to think of it but cant help it