Friday, 12 June 2009
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When Your SO Doesn't Seem As In Love As You Are
I have been in my relationship for three years now and for some reason lately I have been noticing that I am more interested in my BF than he is into me. When I'm into a person I am really into them, like obsessive into them. And I always thought my current BF felt the same, until now.
My BF is kind of the opposite of me; he's very immature and flighty and more talkative than me. I am kinda more serious and grounded and keep to myself. So I thought maybe he just expresses his emotions differently...
So today I went and visited him for an hour and we lay together and I told him some nice things about how much I'm into him and care for him and when I told him that he looked at the ceiling or basically looked away. I was pissed and he basically said he looked away because he was thinking about what I told him and how it was so nice. Then I got mad that he looked away and he almost called me a bitch because of it. I was, like, are you kidding me? You're gonna call me a bitch because of something you did?
Another thing: I'm always satisfied with the way he looks and just whatever he does and when it comes to me he isn't satisfied..like he will make comments on my looks and just is critical here and there...not all the time but he definitely does it.
Have any of you ever thought you were more into your BF/GF than he or she was into you? Do you think some people just express their feelings differently? Or am I just being paranoid about the whole thing?
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Comments (33)
Haha, I don't know if you're a bitch, but you were acting out of line by attacking him for a reaction. You're in control of your actions and reactions, and I think you could have handled it better.
That being said, I've been in your situation before. It sucks. It's hard. Looking at what you've said, I'd say it's not a great relationship to be in. You may not criticize how he looks or anything like that, but you criticize how he acts, and that's just as bad. It may not seem like it, but couples that grow to criticizing each other instead of complaining in "I feel..." statements have a less likely chance of working out. Weird, I know, but that's just the way it is according to my Human Sexuality class last semester.
Everyone expresses themselves differently. It's just a matter if you're compatible in the ways that matter. Letting go of the little things always helps a relationship last longer.
well I don't think that it merited you to get mad at him.. but you should know him well enough to know what he means/ does not mean and his reactions.
But everyone is different..
I've been with my SO for 4 1/2 years.. sometimes I think I love him more, but when it comes down to it, I think he probably loves me slightly more. I agree with what the poster above said though, I don't think criticizing each other is ever healthy. There are ways to make suggestions without putting the other person down.. healthy ways. That is excellent too, using "I feel.." statements are definitely the way to go.. that's how we do it. I think if you love someone though, you accept the flaws, but two people can also grow and it is normal to sometimes not be on the same page as the other person, as long as the two have some basic level that they are least at with each other, and understand each other, I don't think it is a problem.
I dislike that he called you a bitch, but again, I don't really know how everything went, but name-calling is really terrible, I hope he apologized for it and I hope you apologized for overreacting. Also, I don't think being "obsessive" is a healthy way to express how you feel about someone. It doesn't necessarily mean you love the person more.
Yes I think people express their feelings differently, but over time, you learn these ways and if you need something more direct, I don't think that is such a bad thing to ask for. Or clarification at least on how they express it.
@Mangonese@xanga - im not a bitch...=\
I didnt freak out.
I was just a little concerned because he didnt say anything back.
but whatever,
You seem kind of dumb...
@SurveysThatTakeupUrBOREDUM@xanga - I didn't say you were a bitch at all, my dear. I said your reaction was probably inappropriate. I wasn't there. I don't know.
@ViciousGrin63@xanga - thats rude..you didnt have to put ur opinion. thanks. i wanted some feeback. but not that. =\
i guess thats what happens when u put ur posts out there tho... theres the negative people and the positive.
I actually ended up breaking things off with my boyfriend because of the difference. In our case, he was more into the relationship than I was, and I would really rather have him as a best friend than a boyfriend.
@Apple - It was the same thing with me. I knew my ex was more into me than i was with him and it caused a lot of a pressure for me to say things I didn't mean. I ended up breaking it off so that we could go back to being good friends
I dont know Sometimes i felt the same thing, i guess some people have some different way to show their love.. and the bitch thingy was totally unexpected!! i really felt sorry for tht :|
ohhh.... yeah I don't think name calling was a good part. I mean, sometimes if you get angry- to him, he has no idea why you're so angry- just because he looked away when you said that. Just talk to him about it. He really could have been thinking about it/ been kinda shy about it?/ suddenly lost his train of thought (that happens to my bf lol).... or what not. Try not to argue about it (even though it's easy when you feel like the other person isn't listening). But don't focus on the fact that he doesn't love you as much as you do- because you really don't know. unless you are in his head
(yeah idk if you understand what i wrote)
I read datingish quite often these days only because I can learn from it and also give feedback of course. I think I may have come across at least 3 of your posts on datingish. I honestly think you should consider leaving your SO. If being with him for X number of years and he still treats you like crap, it's very unlikely that he'll change. He may love you and all but it sounds like he doesnt respect you or honor your opinions very much. And quite frankly, you guys are probably just not compatible together, you can't force that in a relationship.
Your SO sounds like a douchebag, sorry that I'm so forward about it. What kind of MAN would demean their gf the way he does to you? You need to drop the loser and find yourself someone that will treat you better. It's better to hurt now for a short(er) while than to drag it on and hurt more later. Dont stay with him because it's a convenience. You need to stand up for yourself. But it's your life, and that's just my opinion. I was in a similar situation and trust me, if I had known that things were going to end up the way it did, I would've walked out a long time ago. I have met a great deal of men that have respected me and treated me wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy better than the ex has ever treated me. Especially the guy I'm seeing now, he has never criticized me, not even jokingly. You deserve better than that & Good luck.
to me, it's like a hit or miss. my past two relationships, the first guy was so in love with me, he would do just about anything for me to make me happy. he would try so hard to make everything so perfect that i felt sometimes i wasn't good enough for him. we would spend countless hours on the phone if we were apart just listening each other breathe and when we were together, we would always just hang out in the each other's apartment just the two of us doing things together. eventually, things didn't go the way we have planned it so we broke up. my last bf, i was with him for 2 years, a little on and off again but i think i was so spoiled by the first guy that i wanted the same attention from him too but never received it. i'm sure he loved me but it took a lot for him to actually say the he loved me or even cared about me. there was a time when i asked him if he missed me and he responded, "wouldn't you like that..." i was so upset and mad, i couldn't look him in the eyes. i think love in general is just exhausting. you can never have what you really want, there's always something missing.
i think i am like your bf because i dont tend to show my feelings that way or even talk about it verbally. i find it hard to express my feelings for him but he finds it awfully easy to tell me how much he loves me.
he asked me last night while lying in his room "so when are we going away? should i go and tell your parents i am in love with you? should i tell my parents i love you sooo much?" i told him.. "you make it sound like we are getting married" and he kind of went quiet.
i didn't meant to knock him down but we have been dating just over 7 months and hes wanting to go away together and all sorts of things.. like a year in advance..
either he has lost interest in you or hes just showing it differently
In every relationship there is always one person who is not as much in love with the other person. It's the way things are. In my relationship with my boyfriend, he loves me more. That doesn't change the fact that i love him very much. That's just the way it is.
i guess if such a thing happen to me, i'd want to let it go, because being the one who's more passionate and what not, kinda hurts sometimes. because we expect the same from the person =T
I feel the same way. Part of me feels like I'm being irrational and insecure, but it's still rational because some things are unrequited and I have to restrain myself.
I think I'm kind of like him. I find it hard to express my feelings, I'm usually not the one to bring up feelings, etc. I'm getting better though. I never remain silent though, and I do talk about things, so he's worse..
First word of advice, though: Don't get mad like you did. Sure, anger is the natural response. You were hurt, and a lot of the time (if not most of the time) anger comes from being hurt somehow. But anger has never done any relationship any favors. Rather than get angry (escalating the situation to where you guys got it) talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel, ask him to be more open and stuff.
I remember one of your posts where you talked about how he criticizes your looks and everything, actually. From that post, I'd say that he probably doesn't care about you hardly at all. I'm almost positive that everyone told you to drop him in that post, or mostly everyone.
So, he acts like a jerk, almost calls you a bitch, and doesn't tell you he cares.. He's a winner!
I'm actually going through this exact situation right now. My boyfriend and I got into a fight just the other day because I feel like I make him a priority in my life and he doesn't make me one in his. And I also feel like I'm more interested in spending time with him than he is with me. Which is very frustrating because it used to be the other way around. *Sigh*
you aren't dumb or irrational, or anything negative that anyone else says. they'll change their minds when they really love someone, and don't feel the same love back. I think it's really rude to not respect peoples' feelings. but I understand you.
anywho, I believe that you should ask your boyfriend about it. see what he has to say? he'll probably reassure you, and then you'll feel better (:
yeah girl, i'm just like you! i put my all into it. i hardly notice other guys. i obsess over the relationship and every little detail. i over-analyze his every move. and i probably would have wondered if he hadn't said anything back to me either, but i probably wouldn't have mentioned it to him that he did that just b/c i'm really not one to speak up for myself as well as i should be.
i definitely understand. i always love them more than it seems they love me. it happens. i haven't quite figured it out either. maybe because girls are more for affection than guys in general, so it's sometimes hard to find the softies who will automatically bow down to us like we do to them.
Different people tend to deal with emotions, differently. So maybe it's just hitting you more recently, like you've stated. Chill out a bit for now and just breathe. Hehheh. We've all felt that way sooner or later, so you aren't alone.
That's what happened with my ex fiance and I... eventually I got tired of caring and our relationship ended. Only to find out it was because he wanted to be with some other girl and explore his "options" before he married someone...
I think I left with the better end of that deal, because afterwards he ended up cheating on her.. and now I can find a real man who actually will love me, flaws and all...
Eventually he will wear you down, if not already, and you'll know if he isn't into you anymore, I mean you've been with him for 3 years... either try and work things out and talk to him about this, or let him go and find someone new.
I have felt that I love my boyfriend a lot more than he loves me. When I bring it up, he denies it ... of course. I've come to the realization that because of our different personalities, we show our love for each other in different ways.
I'm a lot like you. I've been with my boyfriend for three years ... I like to talk and express my love through words, conversations, etc. But my boyfriend is a lot more laid-back and shows his love through actions. Talk to him about it. Sometimes people express themselves differently. Maybe he doesn't like to talk very much? Tell him that you don't like being called that ... that is kind of mean.
Good luck :/
I think you should just chill out. It sounds like you're being clingy and that's not really a sign that "love" the person more. I would just take it easy.