Friday, 12 June 2009
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Help Me Master Small Talk
I'm not sure if the term "small talk" is used on a wide scale or not but as far as I know it is a common term. *to the point*
I've never been much for "small talk". This is probably because of the prayers of my mother and the habits of my father. My mom prayed she wouldn't have a problem with a teenage girl using the phone. My dad seldom ever uses the phone unless he is talking to family.
Because of my lack of interest in the phone and my swift satisfaction with just being in the presents of those I care for I have had little need to develop "conversation starters". It has always been okay to tell a short story about my day because the people I associate with generally care about my day or were a part of it at sometime or another. Random outburst of thoughts, ideas, and such are common and returned with happy banter.
Now that I'm out and about in the real world that has expanded beyond my family and close high school friends I have a void to fill. Especially when it comes to dating or just one on one time with a guy friend. Girls don't mind if you ramble a little as long as they get the chance to as well. But I always feel sorry for the guy after I leave.
I didn't know what to say to trigger a decent conversation without long pauses and empty time. I mean, he can only sit there and look at me for so long before he needs something else to entertain him. I know guys in general like you to ask about what they are interested in, but how do you get them to expound?
So what do I say? What are some common but good conversation starters? Things that don't start and end with my talking about myself. The point is to get to know the other person better...start with small talk and become a conversation.
Do you have a problem with "small talk"? Do you find it very easy to start a conversation and continue it?
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Comments (27)
I am the exact same way. I know how you feel. Unfortunately, I have no answers for this. Good luck with finding some! :)
I am like you, except that I always try to "master" small talk by referring to my random lists of interests in the back of my head. it never works. the person always thinks i'm weird. i think i should just go back to the long awkward silences... i'll keep checking back to see if more people comment on this fascinating thing.
i cant small talk for crap
There's really no advise someone can give to make you ready for small talk. It just comes naturally, or you get used to it after a while.
Before I started working, I hated small talk and did everything I could to avoid it. Now, i guess from working with people for so long, it just comes out. You need to practice, I guess.
Luckily for me, I have the zip of a hamster and the attention span of a goldfish so conversation moves quickly and easily. For you, I would suggest bringing up topics that you actually like and that hopefully the guy likes too so you can talk about that for an extended period of time instead of pushing up weak comments about insignificant subjects.
I've spent all my high school years, sitting in my morning classes thinking about what i was going to say at lunch. I feel i am really boring, and I need to get better at small talk.
But there are days that I have really good conversations, and they usually happen by me first asking a question that I feel strongly about. Like the all famous abortion topic. Ask him what he thinks about it, and then state your opinion and why. Or the other day, I asked the guy if he believed in ghosts and that started a very long conversation, and us telling eachother scary ghosts stories, it was a lot of fun!!!
You might be thinking, okay, well it would be really weird if I just went up to some guy and said, "Hi, my name is Amy. Do you believe in ghosts?", but it's a fun thing to talk about.
If you're just meeting someone for the very first time, then amybe you could be asking questions about where you are. For example, if you're at a party, ask the guy how he knows the host, or if he's goes to parties a lot. That could lead to some fun topics, maybe some crazy party stories. You never know! And don't feel like you're talking about yourself too much, you say the point is to get to know the other person, so they want to get to know you too, and the only way they will know stuff about you is if you talk about your self.
I have the same problem with small talk. However, since I'm still in high school and able to surround myself with friends who understand it really isn't a big deal for me now. There still are those situations where you have to spend an extended amount of time with someone you don't really know and that produces an enormous amount of awkward silences. I can really only communicate with those that get me as soon as we start talking. If I have to work for the conversation, I probably won't end up becoming good friends with that person. Sad, but true.
I have the same problem.. I don't think I'm interesting at all. Small talk sucks for me... sometimes I just jump topics in conversations and take it like it is. But if I don't know what to say, I tell guys or whoever I'm talking to to ask me a question. If it's someone new, forget it. I am really bad. I guess I just need to practice.
My mom WISHED I had this problem so I could talk less! I think I talk to strangers with too much ease (i'm into image styling and event promoting; it's an occupational hazard) and it can start with anything! The weather, it sounds cliche but you'd be surprised, or just jump into a topic of random interest. That's what I do... "hi, how are you? Oh my god, I can't wait until I get a day off when it's sunny so I can work on my tan with a good book!" and so on about a story you heart on the radio or a news paper topic or someone you mutually know and you are curious about.
It can go from NOTHING to something, as long as you keep yourself in check. Like, don't talk about a popular tv show just because you know it, they might not watch tv. Or talking negative about something or someone, because it comes off as just negative. Be puzzled but not inquriing a chart and a legend to understand a question/topic. And be yourself, really... Small talks are just condensed phrases and conversations that at large would be a discussion but it's lighter. Does that make sense? I hope it does... lol Just go out there and try it out on your friends, then their friends and then strangers! Practice does make perfect!! :D
I do it up to a point and gauge the persons interest in me, at least if they seem friendly - there are sometimes where I know they are uninterested for whatever reason and I stop talking and leave, not bad if you are in a hallway or something but more difficult if you are in the middle of a meal, lol.
here are some tips to improve small talk:
1) be open and be willingly to talk about anything; but do note, try to avoid any dangerous topic - people tend to become defensive if they get push towards a corner
2) try to relate things and lead them into new conversation
3) ask questions and then more questions; and make sure you're fascinated by what he/she says
4) be random; if there's a pause of any sort, open up a new conversation (randomness)
5) play a game; an eye for an eye or games like three lies and a truth (or was it two lies and a truth, anyways, the point is to tell the story for your lies and truth; it's pretty entertaining) or... i don't know, be creative...
btw, they are not in any particular order; and oh yeah, this is just from my experience... i am no master at this, but i strive on self-improvement...
I'm not good at initiating small talk. While it is good for me when a guy approaches and starts talking to me, I feel a bit bad that most of the conversation revolves around me. In turn, I'm just bad at asking questions. But usually the other person doesn't seem to mind if I don't ask them questions. Once I attempted to do this--after answering all this stuff about myself, I asked a friendly guy who had approached me what he was studying. He said "law" and that was it. Okay. Anything else? It would be silly and/or stupid to ask, "Do you like studying law?" "Are you going to become a lawyer?" "Have you ever heard of Phoenix Wright?" I can't just hit it off with anyone--that's not one of my skills, unfortunately.
Yup me too i dont know what to say when im in a conversation. ill just say the things on my mind when something pops but most of the time it's like a blank piece of paper.
Normally ppl come to me and speak with me. But im so quiet i have to admit. I dun really know what to talk about besides school stuff, but im not a nerd.
If those are my friends then it's a lot easier. Talk whatever i want lol..... I guess it's easy to start a convo but its hard to keep it up if the person is boring!!!!!
I often ask people what their plans for the weekend are. Easy, simple, sometimes you get something juicy to latch on to and spin into a full conversation. If you're at a party, ask them how they know the host. If you're students, ask them what they're studying, where they're from, how they got into their major/area of study.
The biggest hurdle to overcome is shyness. Be confident and strike up conversation! Maybe there will be awkward pauses. Maybe you'll realize the guy is too smashed to carry on a rational dialogue. Move on, and know that with practice you get better. =)
Small talk is all about just diving in there and saying something, anything. When you're first getting to know someone it's a matter of just making a connection and letting it flow from there. As a girl, you should have it easier because the onus is usually on the guy to start conversation and to be honest, if he can't do that, he's probably too shy and awkward to be worth the effort anyway.
If you're really having trouble and the guy is as lively as a dry turd, try this: ask him to tell you something really awesome. He'll probably respond by asking what you mean, to which you say, "Tell me about something that you think is really cool, anything at all." Now you're asking him to talk about what he likes to talk about and it should also reveal quite a lot about him as a person. If he still is unable to make any kind of conversation, just walk away; he's simply got no personality and/or social skills.
Wait, this is in relation to dating right? Because if you're just asking about general small-talk with guys, girls and everybody, then my first comment becomes a lot less relevant. Heh...
luckily for me, i'm a talker and always have been, and can carry a conversation with anyone. though i find myself not talking too much about myself but asking a lot of questions and interests of the person. try asking more questions about the person so it directs the focus away from you and puts the spotlight on them. people love it when you make them the center of attention.
Seriously...if I ever have an issue starting a conversation sometimes it's helpful to bring up something negative that you both agree on...
Like...our boss is such a jerk...blah, blah...
Can you believe this food?...
Whatever...believe it or not...people have a lot of common ground when it comes to complaining...Just don't come across as whiny.
erms i'm not sure what tips i can give you, usually I can make a lot of small talks, but other times it's really hard for me. you know. it changes from time to time, and idk what to tell you o.O
I talk far too much lol... I need master shutting up.
To me the best way to start small talk is to just notice something in the environment and go from there, like that's a cool shirt you're wearing, or the celtics play tonight, right?
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Most people just give me a random look and an awkward smile, so i guess i need to master small-talk myself.
dang, i need the same help...
i cant talk for god's sake either.
Oh, your God! Not only do I have a problem with initiating small talk, it's the only thing my boss can find wrong for my yearly review! Apparently, I'm very quiet and don't speak enough. (I seem plenty talkative in my own mind, however.) It annoys me mostly because I think that I've improved, and I'm not fond of small talk for small talks sake. When I speak to office mates, there's a reason--discussing their views of the news media (a professor that was a former anchor); how to counsel athletes (a professor/psychiatrist that works for a professional baseball team), etc. I don't like to just run off at the mouth like I hear so many office mates do. It annoys me to no end, and I just refuse to do it. However, reading your entry has made me reconsider my stance. As my parents would say, go with the flow if it's not contrary to your morals. It's hard to think that chatting would be wrong, so I may as well bite the bullet and talk everyone's ear off, even if I don't really have anything to say. No one appreciates the quiet hard worker....they want a chatty hard worker who apparently proves that she can be socially fit. Sounds like I'll need a little Valium to grease them vocal chords!
One generally good one is "how did you get started in your line of work?". There's usually a story there. That might not work with students, though.