Thursday, 11 June 2009

• Maybe You Should

  Dear Stupid Backstabbing Manwhore:

  I wish I could tell you how I felt in person, not over text, where our conversations start and stop. I wish so many things, but you don’t seem to get it. You don’t know me; not how I feel. You don’t know how old I am, what my favorite color is, how many dogs I have. You know what I’ve done with guys, and what I look for in them, but that’s it. You didn’t take the time to ask about me or what I like to do. You skipped that part and went serious. I didn’t want that just yet. Not into the first week of talking. You went to fast, made me believe that there was so much more to what was there, when there wasn’t.

  You don’t know how guys have treated me. The way they use me to get what they want and then leave me and move onto the next. The way they make me feel all special and happy but say the same things to other girls. The way they want to be more, but later say they want to be friends, and then eventually re-ignite the spark that went out. You don’t know how many guys have done that to me. How many guys I’ve fallen head over heels for and then ended up crushed and misplaced in the end. But maybe you should.

  You weren’t there when one of my friends committed suicide. You weren’t there when I first found out, when I went to his memorial youth group, his funeral. You didn’t see the tears that were hidden behind my eyes. You didn’t see how they came out at his memorial youth group. How I cried off all of my makeup, mascara running down my face. You weren’t there when I missed school because I couldn’t stop crying. You didn’t see me curled in a ball on my bed, tears never ending. You weren’t there. But maybe you should have been.

  You weren’t there when I was struggling with my eating disorder. You don’t know how much food I had passed up, wasted; just to get to the perfect weight, which I still haven’t achieved. You didn’t see me eat half of a Pop-Tart and pretend like I had eaten the whole thing, just so my parents would leave me alone. You weren’t there when I was at my sickest point in life. You didn’t see the three years in my life where I would look at a piece of food and lose my appetite. You didn’t see how much I wanted to eat, how badly I wanted it, but I had to walk away and occupy myself with something that didn’t involve food. You never saw the bones that stuck out of my small figure. When nobody knew about it and I couldn’t find help, you were oblivious to it all. You’ll never see all the pain that I have had to go through to overcome it. You don’t see all the obstacles that I have to overcome everyday of my life. You won’t be there when I really need someone to talk to, to get help from. But maybe you should be.

  You weren’t there to see my heart shatter when I learned that you hit it off with some other girl. You weren’t there to see my eyes begin to water with shame, humiliation, hurt. You weren’t there to see my reactions as everything fell apart; and I couldn’t see yours. But you didn’t care. You cared about yourself, not about me. Is that how it was supposed to be? Me getting hurt in the end and you happy? Maybe I should be happy for one time in my life and you end up getting your heart shattered, torn to pieces. Maybe that’s how it should be.

  You weren’t there when I was sitting in the car, driving around with my friend, and I got a text from you. After everything that we had been through, you still wanted to talk. You didn’t know how angry, frustrated, I was with being the backup. You didn’t see my response to “we were nothing.” We were something, and you knew that and made it very clear. You couldn’t imagine how I felt. I was finally getting over you, realizing that it wasn’t meant to be and that I had to move on and you come back into the picture. But maybe you shouldn’t.

  You owe me. You owe me a trip to the ice cream stand, like you promised. You owe me a car trip to anywhere, like you promised. You owe me a time to hang out, like you promised. You owe me three weeks of my life back, the three weeks where you were everything to me. You owe me friendship, like you said that you wanted. You owe me my heart back, the one that you took and broken into pieces.

    You owe me the world, but that’s something you could never give me.

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