Wednesday, 10 June 2009
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When The BFF And The BF Clash
Okay here's the story and I'm going to try and make it as short and sweet as possible. A couple weeks ago, I was spending the day with my boyfriend, his brother and his sister-in-law. My guy friend kept calling me and I kept rejecting the calls because we were taking a nice, romantic walk in the woods and I didn't feel like being on the phone with someone else during that time. Finally, after the fifth call, my boyfriend called my friend from my phone and asked why he was bothering me so much when I was clearly busy. My guy friend was being rude to my boyfriend, which really really pissed him off. Jump a few weeks ahead; my guy friend calls again and asks if I want to catch a movie with him and I say sure because we had since made amends over the fight we had when I reamed him out for being rude to my boyfriend. Once I got home from my boyfriend's, I hopped on IM to ask my boyfriend if it was okay if I saw the movie with my friend...one thing led to another and he got really really angry with me. He said that not only was he angry that I was going out late at night after I had to be home from his place early, but he was angry that I was acting like best friends with someone who was so rude to him. Eventually, this led to my boyfriend freaking out and getting worried that I was cheating on him and that I was going to be just like the last girl who cried, sobbed, and said that she loved him then broke his heart and never spoke to him again so, he almost dumped me in fear of being hurt so badly again.
I tried to assure him ten ways from Tuesday that I would never ever do such a thing because not only is it not in my nature, but I would never hurt someone I love so much on purpose. Eventually, he said he would trust me and we've been okay ever since.Ever since though, my guy friend has not stopped complaining to me about my boyfriend. He says that he's only going to abuse me some day, calls him many obscenities, and says that I should just dump him then puts me on a guilt trip about how he's losing me as his best friend. For the record, my guy friend and I have always had huge blowouts like this, then quickly made up and gone back to being friends, but I have no idea what to do now. I'm so sick of my guy friend saying these terrible things about my boyfriend and I'm sick of feeling scared to hang out with my guy friend in fear that my boyfriend will be angry with me.
I also don't know if I should just ignore my guy friend since he pulled the same stuff with my ex-boyfriend. Needless to say, I need a bit of help. Help?
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- From: Siobhan
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Comments (58)
i say you talk to them both, and address the issue at hand!!!
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omg, this was like an exerpt out of my life, only I'm the wife, and it's my husband's BFF. They don't speak anymore, but she talked shit about me to my husband and all that. Before I give you my advice, I need to know a few things... how old are you, and how serious is your relatinship ?
funny, I just blogged about the OSBF.
If your boyfriend cared about you and trusted you he wouldn't mind you hanging out with your best friend. If your best friend cared about you and wanted the best for you then he wouldn't talk shit about your boyfriend and make you feel bad for dating him. You need to put your foot down and tell them both that either they deal with eachother or they dont deal with you. My BFF is a guy and when me and my husband started dating he didn't like the fact that I hug out with J. so often. I told him that J. was my BFF and if he didn't like it then he could find another girlfriend because J.s a nice guy and we've been friends FOREVER and I wasn't going to loose a friendship over a boyfriend. my hubbie accepted that and now him and J. are good friends too. it took a bit of time but they had to learn to get along with eachother because they are BOTH parts of my life. Good luck girlie.
Your relationship def. lacks trust. Your boyfriend needs to accept the fact that its not only him in your life. You have other friends, including guy friends. You def. don't need his premission either. You are your own person, and if he can't handle you seeing other guys...as friends...he isn't an understanding and trust boyfriend. Good luck!
xoxo, Blair
true, there is a trust issue at hand but overall, if you REALLY are looking for the relationship to last, boyfriend > best friend.
why? because the boyfriend should be the best friend.
in my opinion at least.. thats how a relationship grows. it makes the connection stronger, adds an infinite amount of substance to chemistry and strengthens the bonds.
and.. if some girl was talking shit about you, what would you want YOUR boyfriend to do? i'd be pretty pissed if he was pretending everything was ok and not defending me...
...i was in a similar situation recently. :/ thats a wee bit of what i learned...
that picture looks like it was taken at my high school, but it's so small that its hard to tell.
That happened to me, too. Only my boyfriend yelled at my guy friend and told him to stop talking to me. And he did. But only because my guy friend was being a jerk and saying all kinds of mean and dirty things.
Anyway, your guy friend sounds like he's jealous. Why don't you tell him to stop bashing your boyfriend? Do you let him do it? Sometimes these things happen, and sometimes one of them will tell you "me or him." :/
You should talk to your boyfriend and your guy friend and explain that while you want to hang out with both of them, your feelings are for your boyfriend and for him only. Good luck.
Your boyfriend said he trust you,
Your guy friend is continuing to cause problems.
You said your guy friend has been doing this for awhile? Well, then your problem isn't whether between your boyfriend and your guy friend,
it's between your guy friend and you. And if he's causing problems, seriously consider if he's worth keeping. If it were me, I wouldn't. I love my boyfriend so much, I straight up told him that if he wanted me to get rid of any of my guy friends (cuz I have quite a few) that I would cut them from my life in a second. I never want him to feel jealous or threatened. But he trusts me, so it all works out.
A friend doesn't cause problems, he discuss problems. A friend doesn't blame you for his unhappiness.
Try to figure it out with your BFF and BF. I mean try to talk to them both. So you'll figure it out. God bless.
Both guys are being really selfish and inconsiderate. I think a three-way talk is needed. I suspect the BFF is jealous of pretty much any guy you date, but that's no reason to be a man-bitch and complain all the time.
your bf is a drama queen
simple..... at this situation... u knw u cnt hav both... so choose one.
if u think ur bff is more important than ur bf.. then dump ur bf..
but i know it has taken a long way for ur "bf" to become ur "bf" nw... so i do consider u tlk to ur bff about it. and by bein ur bff, he should support u in anyway and he should b on ur side but nt stbbin at ur bf's bak don u think.
i support ur bf. think about it. wouldn't u b angry, whn u spent the day with ur bf, then he takes u home at night, he kisses u goodbye and then he drove off to see another girl???
love is selfish. ur bf's act wasnt stupid at all. and i think everyone should hav the right to b angry about it.
so sleep on it and think hard wat u should do.
and good luck :)
your guy friend is a loser and has a crush on you and never made a move and is bitter about it.
To me, it sounds like guy friend is having some jealousy issues as well. Maybe he has feelings for you beyond friends. This is something I would talk to him about asap. Being friends with guys while datng is hard to do. It becomes a testsy fight for your attention, which you have already experienced.
Do you tell your boyfriends when you start dating them that you have a best friend who is a guy? Most guys cant stand this for fear they will cheated on.
However I think it is best for you to talk to them both, maybe even at the same time. Place everything out on the table. If your guy friend and your boyfriend truly care for you they would both want to see you happy and not being pulled around by them both.
Other than that all i can say is good luck. I grew up as a tomboy and hung out with guys all my life. However once I started seriously dating, my guy friends couldnt stand it and most the boyfriends I had couldnt handle me being such close friend with other guys. I made for a lot of ugly fighting between them all and that was when I told them all if they couldn't respect my wishes and trust me then I was gone from all their lives. Eventually it ended with me walking away from them all. And eventually they got my point and I am no were near as close to them as i orginally was.
Good luck
Illyria
your guy friend doesnt sound much like a friend, then, if he cant support you in what you do and trust you.
@Leitey@xanga - Pargraph #3 is where I know where you are coming from and yet disagree. My friend is with this guy who I can get along with just fine and seems to be an upstanding chap. Yet, every once in a while, I get a call or an IM about how he's emotionally hurting her or setting her on a guilt trip or doing something...unsavory to her making my blood boil. Yes, I want to be happy for her and I want her to be happy, and yes, sometimes I can understand both sides of the situation, hers and his. Despite this though, she (and myself, to some extent) believes that he's just making mistakes that can be repaid for. However, whenever he hurts her, I still want to snap and beat the unholy piss out of him and I'll be the one pointing out shit that he's doing wrong and she's not being obvious to (she's a bit naive). It's one thing to respect her choices or her decisions and to stand by her as a friend. However, when you notice that something is seriously fucked and she's not understanding the bigger picture, you gotta take a stand and help your friend realize that something is wrong. If I had to tell her that I think something is wrong, yes, I will and do tell her that. Although I'm quick to see two sides of the story, I also realize that a wrong is a wrong. Regardless of my advice or opinions though, at the end of the day, if she wants to forgive him, then she can forgive him. I may not always agree to do so, but I do my best (though I will hold it against him) to leave the wrong behind and move on. Who the hell am I to stop her?
Your problem is that you are being torn between trusting your boyfriend and your guy friend. Judging from what you said before, your boyfriend DOES have the right to feel the way he felt. The reason why you understand your guy friend is because of the ex. Since you didn't tell us how that last one worked out, I'm free to speculate that he was right before about the ex and you were too blinded to figure it out on your own before.
Having been somewhat in this situation, there are three possibilities: A) your guy friend likes you and he's trying to get rid of your boyfriend so he can have you to himself. B) your guy friend is really worried about you and "THINKS" that this dude is bad news, but doesn't understand the whole situation (my ideology) C) your guy friend is seeing something bad in the works that you are not (which can also apply if my speculation about your last relationship is right).
I see that all three of you were wrong. One, you could've answered the phone real quick and just said to him "I'm hanging out with my boyfriend, can we talk later?" If he was easy and understanding, he would've gotten the point and let you two have fun. If not, he's got another agenda (A). In addition, you could've just turned your phone off and answered him whenever you wanted to. Your BF was wrong in needing to give you permission to hang out with your guy friend, especially if nothing was going to happen between you two, though right in feeling the way he did. He shouldn't have snapped on your guy friend the way he did though. Your guy friend is wrong in bugging you so damn much when you weren't available. You should've just told him off or told him to leave you alone for now.
Your guy friend and your BF have a clash in which they don't trust each other as well as they should and your BF feels stuck in a love triangle where he doesn't want the same shit to happen to him. Your guy friend, however, isn't acting like a best friend. Best friends are there to help each other out no matter what the cost or what it has to be. If he is going to call him obscenities (as I did with my best friend's boyfriend), that's going to be normal if your BF hurt you once before. If he's doing it without probable cause, then he's being a jerk-off. If he's suggesting you to dump him, that's really extreme and shouldn't be said unless there is signifcant tension between you and your BF or if your BF's being a real jerk to you (which I'm guessing he's really not.) However, if he's putting you on a guilt trip about losing him as your best friend, then that's stepping out of line. If he's making threats like that, he's not being your friend, he's being controlling (not necessarily manipulative). Best friends vow never to leave each other hanging, no matter what the circumstances and if he's going to do that, let him. Odds are he'll be calling you back up to apologize and to make amends.
In conclusion (and I hate when I make blogs about a question): your boyfriend is in the right. You need to sit down with your friend and really make him understand that nothing is wrong. You should also get them together and try to make them work out their differences. If your friend is still acting like the way he does, or he threatens to leave you behind, he's no friend.
I'll be quite simple about it. The friend is being clingy, desperate, and acting as if he has feelings for you beyond simple friendship. I'd avoid being in a one-on-one situation with him from this point onward. If he cannot see your boyfriend for the person he is, he's just going to make your relationship miserable.
It's best to confront him first, tell him your feelings, and if he doesn't stop; drop him like a bad habit.
Talk to both of them about it. Since your boyfriend at least TRUSTS you, I think its your guy friend that's a little crazy about it. But if you want them to be friends, you need to get them friends again.
@Leitey@xanga - I agree with you on this one.
Good Luck
Wish I had advice to offer but I think everyone else covered the main points haha
Your best friend is jealous and probably likes you.
Your guy friend is interested in you, that's about it. Either he's trying to drive all your boyfriends away in the hope that he'll eventually win you over or he knows that he's never going to get out of the Friend Zone and is doing the whole, "If I can't have her, no one will," schpiel. Either way he needs to cut that shit out.
@KasumiCelesta@xanga - @blair_bear_91@xanga - @sahm132@xanga - , Really??? Did you NOT read the part where the boyfriend had that issue before, and that he was hurt severely by another girl cheating on him in the same manner. How can you call him untrusting, and selfish, or inconsiderate???? How would you feel if your SO of however long, cheated on you, not really admitting it, and sneaking around with a "guy friend". Would you be all fine and dandy the next time it came up? I bet you that you will deny it for the sake of argument, but really, think about it. I know I would be hurt like no other. On top of that, being jealous or concerned at the least about your SO with another person, friend or not, is not that the person is inconsiderate, its sorta natural reaction to try and prevent being hurt in anyways. Is it not equivalent that the person with the friend is trying to keep her friend, so as to not be hurt? Think about that.Â
your guy friend sounds jealous. maybe that's why he's being like that. i say confront him about it, then if he continues, then ignore him. do what makes YOU happy.