Miss Walrus
I recently wrote
a post about how I think that you need to "love yourself" (cliche, I know) in order to love someone else. But I didn't exactly realize how true that was until these past few days. Miraculously, the romantic stars in Miss Walrus' universe aligned and brought two interesting, attractive males into my life. Yes, I've been hanging out with not one, but TWO guys! I don't know why - or how - this all came to be (esp. because I've been Miss Super Single for the last two years), but I'm enjoying it nonetheless.
However, one thing I've noticed is that many little insecurities I have - everything from being in public in a bathing suit (and showing off my uber pale skin) to picking out what tunes to play in my car around a new potential lover - seem to multiply by thousands when I'm in the presence of a male I admire. I have also noticed that I am actually MORE insecure around the one guy I feel that I am getting to know BETTER. For example, I thought I caught him checking out a (uber tan and skinny) girl at the pool we swam at the other day. Although he probably wasn't, I started to kinda freak a little in my head. "Is he noticing that she's tanner/skinnier/in a cuter color bathing suit than me?" "Does he wish he was here with someone who looked more like her than me?" Ridiculous, yes. But completely understandable...right?
So, I decided to wrap myself up in a towel and told him I was cold. I even contemplated asking if maybe we could go somewhere else...but stopped myself. Whew.
Now, don't get me wrong. I know these are MY issues - things I obviously need to work on. But, I think this goes to show that you really do need to be pretty damn comfy with yourself before you try to get comfy with somebody else.
Have any of you noticed the way some insecurities multiply when you're in a relationship or around a someone you like?
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Comments (23)
I agree with this. I know my insecurities flare up all the time when I am in a relationship or someone I like. It usually wears off when I am in relationship and I become more comfortable and connected with my guy, but it still definitely lingers.
I'm a fairly random and sporadic person, and I don't curb it in front of potential SOs. However, I am EXTREMELY self-conscious about it and sometimes overly apologetic about things that needn't the remotest bit of apology.
Probably just fear of abandonment.
To answer your question, yes my insecurities seem to multiply, but are 90% relationship related.
i think with time, it will surpass you, right now, you're in the new stage of "i think i might like you and vice versa" but you'll get to the comfortable stage and it'll be all worth it. good luck!
ahh, i know what you mean.
just little things pop up but after a while they will disappear when you hit a comfort zone. it's just life :/
i give them my worst first. if they're worth it, they'll look past looks.
i understand completely. i have done/thought those same things....
its a turn off to me and the guy..=\
ive gotten better tho..=\
I know exactly what you mean and have seen this in myself from time to time over the past few years. What I've come to realize is that though I'm comfortable with myself and love myself for how I am, I get insecure around someone I'm getting to know better because I'm seeing that there is more and more to lose if things don't work out. It's really in the initial stages of the relationship I notice this, but it does go away with time really.Â
The big one I've noticed recently was that around my friends, I'm a real party animal in the car. I'll bust out singing along to the radio or our mixes and be dancing around in my seat, but around my boyfriend I'm completely quiet and reserved. He doesn't see this at all. And I think I wouldn't show it to him because there's so much to lose if he sees something he doesn't like. So I stayed what i was comfortable with, what I knew he did like. But as time grew on, it's hard to not be comfortable around him. He's a huge goofball and a nerd just like I am. If the guy really likes you, he'll stick around no matter what.
I suppose I have gotten a bit more insecure about my looks and everything after I started to date my boyfriend. It's nothing that he or anybody can get rid of because even when he assures me that "oh you look fine" or whatever, I myself need to feel confident before I can start taking compliments, if that makes sense.
But you're the one hanging out with him, and not some other girl, so hopefully that will be able to boost up your confidence level a bit. :)
I definitely know what you mean :( even after dating my boyfriend for a year, I still get insecure around him sometimes because I feel like he's too good looking for me. I also feel like he's checking out other girls, but he's not. I'm hoping it will pass, it has gotten better so it will, and your insecurities with your new guy will pass too. Just remember that he's choosing to hang out with YOU, not uber skinny tanned girl :)
Yes I know exactly what you mean. After 4 1/2 years together, I still have my insecurities that are very deep-rooted and really have nothing to do with him. Sometimes they seem to disappear and other times they flare up and can be quite annoying. The thing is with how you deal with it. No one can truly make you feel secure with yourself.. they might help you see the path to dealing with them, but it is your choice to believe what you believe about yourself. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy; you feel insecure around a guy and that, in turn, can just push him away. Its a crazy cycle and it takes a lot of time and understanding to deal with.
It doesn't have to be a bad thing if you don't let it. Heightened sense of arousal/nervousness can actually be good for you, according to the Yerkes-Dodson law. :D Keeps you on your toes, so to speak. But don't let these annoying thoughts get to you. Just remember that all those things you worry about, that's just what they are. Little worries that fester in your brain, but outside of that, you're a porcelain-skinned goddess!
Oi.
I know the feeling of the insecurities. 2 years, and I still can't figure out why he wants to be with me.
On the topic of being pale and schtuff.. Don't worry about it. I take pride in my pale skin. It's different, and you definitely stand out in the crowd (I've gone so far as to even take pride when people ask my parents if I'm sick, because I'm so pale). But yeah. It's up to you.
<3<3
gracie
I understand you completely. I was like that in high school and I only started to really love myself in college. It was really hard at first because it felt like I was flaunting my flaws as well. And I was! I embraced being me and I've been the happiest I've ever been since then.
i've always been a bit of a joker. actually, my whole family has. our sense of humour is jacked up to say the least, and when i started dating my conservative boy friend, he was horrified over some of the things i do, things i say, the way i act. i'm not THAT bad, i'm exaggerating it a whole lot, but this post reminded me of when my sister called to find out how my new (then) bf and i were going. when i laughed out loud and told her about the funny things that had happened that she had clearly missed out on, she was really surprised on the phone exclaiming "Shelley! You didn't really do that?!?! I didn't let Ben (her bf) see how CRAZY i was until after a couple of months!!!" which surprised the hell out of me. I felt so comfortable around my bf, i was willing to let him see how much of a dick i really am, and honestly.. i've never been happier.
(:
oh absolutely.
but never tell him these things, b/c he won't have thought of them until you point them out. one guy i dated said, if you hadn't mentioned your big bum or whatever, i wouldn't have noticed.
and show off! guys, anyone, love a confident person, even if they don't agree with their taste or choices, the fact that you stick by them makes you appealing. show off your music, share it like it's the best, show him your world, b/c he wouldn't be around if he wasn't curious.
i crumble when they don't feedback and it is my own undoing. you need to assume everything you say and do is gold, so then you don't scare them off with insecurities before they've a chance to see how fun you are.
my ex was complaining about a new girl he's seeing, so insecure he says. it's too much. he said she was complaining straight away 'you won't want to see me again, i'm not good enough.' it sort of makes people have to prop them up, and then it becomes a bit narcissistic, needing so much from other people.
and lets face it, we all look at hot tanned girls. he should be polite and look away, but sometimes you glance, but the more you knwo someone and like them, the more attractive they are and nothing compares to that
My boyfriend made a comment about Lady Gaga being good looking in her video. I was instantly like "You think she's pretty? But she looks nothing like me! We are polar opposites! AH!"
Silly, I know. Luckily he laughed, kissed me and told me that he loves me. Whew. :P
This post speaks to my soul.
yepp i totally understand, but i mean if he's there talking to you, then that should tell you something right? and besides if he goes with the girl, then he's just a jerk >;[
I used to hate that phrase with a fiery passion. "Love yourself before you love another." I was like, I can beat it, watch me!
Now I'm in a relationship with my best friend, whom I know he's the one in my heart, and I do love how I look for the most part, but it's my personality I'm not happy with. Every now and then I get insecure, mainly if I screw up and piss someone off. And I am ungodly hard on myself. I need to find a happy medium between being firm and forgiving with myself. Getting better though, every day. Yay.
Yes. I get insecure when my crush just makes friends with other girls but yet he's so silent whenever he's around me and he just keeps on smiling without saying a word :|
you're right! it gets worse when i'm in a relationship, because somehow in some weird way, someone i love is involved in the "other world" haha
but it definitely sucks when you're in a long term relationship.....i work really hard on it though >.<
@missrhino - haha glad to know i'm not alone
see, it's not just "me", it's every girl!
I was pretty intensified about my insecurities at the beginning of my relationship... But over time, as I've been with my boyfriend for longer, I'm actually more confident than I've ever been about my appearance.