Tuesday, 09 June 2009
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I Think I Subconsciously Try to Fill A Void with SOs
Miss Antelope
I have this theory (maybe because I was a psychology minor) that our parents and the rest of our family essentially shape the characteristics we looks for in our SOs. This can either be good or bad. For example, I had an absent father, so I always go into a relationship with my guard up because almost immediately I feel as though they are out to hurt me.
I think I may sometimes get caught up in subconsciously trying to fill the void my father left me. I also think this is why I have super high expectations in men. I don't want them to hurt me like my father did.
What do you think? Do you agree or disagree?
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- From: Miss_Antelope
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Comments (37)
I'm a psych major, so I totally do the whole analyzing myself dealio. I can kind of relate to your absent father story. My dad and I were really close up until he became a depressed workaholic. From that point on, he was emotionally & physically absent.
I think because of this, I'm very cautious about getting close to someone. This definitely shows in my lovelife -- my mom says I "test" people out, to see if they're going to stay true to me no matter what.
ALL women have super high expecations in men, duh.
You might be on to something here. -strokes imaginary beard-
I've also heard that those who come from hectic homes tend to gravitate towards dysfunctional people, because it's what they're used to.
I concur.
My parents divorced when I was 6. I despise failed relationships, my own, and friends.
Likewise, I found myself and sometimes still, in a rush for Love. Mainly because my father was heartbroken over my mother for so long. I never want to be that guy.
Yep... I have my B.S. in Psych and I over-analyze everything - including my love life. I'm not sure how much family influences us - I think it truly depends on how we perceive it. Sometimes families don't make much of a difference - sometimes they make a huge difference. It's contingent on how we understand their parts in our lives. Yet ... in your case I can understand why you'd always view men cautiously... and it makes perfect sense to me.
Sure that's plausible, but I wouldn't let something like that stand in the way of something new. Try to leave the past behind because in the end, you can only look forward to your future.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm
I agree!
i definitely agree. I'm the type who's more distant in the family. so whenever i get into a relationship, I'm really distant and all.
I've dated a Psych Major once. It was very frustrating :O
Yeah, I agree that it can influence what you want to an extent. Works for good and bad paternal relationships, I think. I was really close with my dad and he passed away when I was 15. I think that kind of made me not want to settle for anything less than HE thought I deserved, you know? So I think my standards were probably high because of him in a way. On the other hand, I don't think you should let it control your life; it's not something you can't overcome, you know? Not that there's anything wrong with high standards!
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - If we didn't, think of all the men out there that would be gross, messy, fat couch potatoes! We're doing a service to the world, really... :)
My father has always been good to me so that's WHY I expect my husband to be good to me. Sometimes when my husband's especially rude to me, I say to him, "My father would NEVER have treated my mother like that." So I think EVERY man has the duty to treat his girlfriend/spouse with the love and respect she deserves.
i agree except my void has been for a few years and Im not filling it.
Agree 100%. I want my SO to be everything my Father wasn't. Also explains why I think everything with a penis is out to hurt me or fuck up. Hmmmm
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - lol
Even though I have a dad who's very supportive to me but as time goes by he's always working hard (and it's not because he wants to). So I only get to spend some time with him and now that I think about it I do look for a hard working husband but who can also spend a lot of quality time with me. Ideally I want the husband who reminds me of the relationship I used to have with my dad but I don't know this is a though subject for me.
I think that how we are brought up and the circumstances surrounding our upbringing play a major role in who we go after and our expectations of relationships. How we are brought up and what we experience in our childhood has an impact on the rest of our life. That's how I see it, anyways.
i agree completely!
You're right. I was afraid of being in a relationship because of what happened between my parents.
But now I'm happy.
I do agree. I also have heard that many girls tend to look for characteristics in their SO that they find in their fathers. I don't know if that's always true, but it's sort of true for me.
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - Wrong. I do not have high expectations of men. =P Mwahaha.
With my previous boyfriends, their personalities didn't seem like the personality of my father, but with my current boyfriend, he seems to match it with my father. And this guy I can def see a future with. So, maybe women try to look for men similar to their fathers...? One theory perhaps.
I thought about this before (and i'm a psych major). I agree.
Definitely, from what I know from the books and articles I've read on psychology. It's depressing.. One women went in for counseling, and she mentioned that her husband beat her, but it wasn't really the problem. When asked to explain, she said that he didn't beat her as much as her father used to, so it was an upgrade. I'm sure you know all about the attachment theory - avoidant, secure, ambivalent, and disorganized; those are usually good predictors of the babies' future types of relationships.
I mean..even just personally, some of the comments I remember most from my childhood are the times my dad said something like "Why are you trying to show off your body by wearing revealing outfits? There's no point anyways because of your face." I'm 18, and I feel comfortable without makeup when I'm with girls, but if I know there's a possibility I'll see ANY guy age 12 or above I feel horrible about my face and disgusting even sometimes if I don't have my makeup. I have no idea what kind of attachment I had as a baby, but I'm fairly sure my extremelyyy excessive attention to my reputation and image has to do with how my parents rarely had faith in me and how they always thought I was the type to get wasted, shoot up, and slut myself up.
...that turned into a rant.
I like daddy figures, sort of. Not older guys, but guys willing to take care of me when I'm weak, willing to let me go when I'm feeling strong.
My father's an asshole. I hate him. He's screwed me over practically every day of my life. And I know my need of assurance and comfort intermittently and so strongly is because of this.
I AGREE WITH U LOVE, IM THE SAME EXACT WAY. TO THIS DAY MY HUSBAND HAS A HARD TIME WITH ME BECAUSE MY HEART IS SO HARD AND I HAVE A WALL THAT I WILL NOT LET DOWN COMPLETLY I JUST CANT DO IT AND AFTER 6 YEARS OF BEING TOGETHER AND MARRIED FOR 4. I THINK IT WILL NEVER COME DOWN ALL THE WAY WHICH SUCKS =( BUT IM TRYING MY HARDEST BECAUSE HE IS MY HUSBAND. BUT I DO UNDERSTAND WHERE U ARE COMING FROM BECAUSE I ALSO HAD AN ABSENT FATHER ::SIGH::