Monday, 08 June 2009

  • Would "Just Friends" Hurt Too Much?

    I recently started a summer job in a new city with a small group of peers. We've all had a chance to get to know each other, and there are a few people I really like to hang out with. Unfortunately, most of them aren't really available most of the time, because they know other people in the area. There is only one person here that I am becoming really close friends with.

    Now, I am happily taken, so I have no reason to expect more than friendship from relationships with the opposite sex. But I think he's starting to like me as more than just friends. I do like him, but not in that way, since I'm 100% focused on my existing relationship. I have made it very clear that I'm not on the market, but I'm not sure if that can change the way he feels.

    I really want to remain friends with this guy and keep hanging out, because he's my only close friend in the group. But I also don't want to break his heart. So should I continue to be friends, even if that may make him like me more? Or should I keep my distance, and lose my only close friendship? Or should I just continue to make it clear that a relationship can't happen, and let him decide when and how much we hang out?

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Comments (29)

  • steph

    I'd say keep your distance. You don't have to lose your friendship, but you don't want to lead him on accidentally. 
  • betterdesigned@xanga

    I agree, keep some kind of distance. Unintentionally leading him will just end up hurting him.
  • Two_of_Six@xanga

    Just keep your distance when it comes to closeness then you won't lose anything

  • StepHyKu2517___v3v@xanga

    keep to support you ...
  • missrhino

    Tough spot. I think I would remain friends with him but make sure not to lead him on in anyway. I have a tendency to be flirty without realizing and that gets me in trouble. Hanging out with him in groups and giving each other space from time to time seems like your best option.
  • joycemiles@xanga

    It's really your choice, but since he already likes you, you might want to keep a distance. Only when he realizes he doesn't have a  chance you are to become closer friends.
  • naguyin@xanga

    Distance him.


    I have become just friend to a lot of people and then I slowly became their best friends. I know it will most likely not be the same in this case but I know it's better in the long run. And this is about you, not him. Think about you first. 
  • silentwhim@xanga

    Don't "accidentally" give him any misunderstanding physical contact, men will take that the wrong way most of the time. 
  • nimbusthedragon@xanga

    You know, it's nice of you to consider his feelings, of course... but you've already drawn your lines in the sand.  You've made it clear you're not on the market.  It's his problem if he chooses not to see that.  Do whatever YOU like, as long as you're comfortable, and not leading anyone on. If you want to be his friend, then be his friend.  If he can't handle it, then he'll have to decide that. The only thing I would make sure of is that it's clear you want ONLY a friendship with this guy.  Other than that, you've done your part here, in my opinion, in being fair... he has to be grown up about it too, and draw his own lines.

  • Miss_Antelope

    The best thing you can do is be honest with him.  Whether it hurts or not, at least he can respect your honestly and he can be clear that you aren't leading him on.  Then the ball is in his court.  He can continue to be good friend with you or he can move on.  You know where you stand, now let him figure out where he stands.  ; )
  • Zombies_Ate_My_Neighbors@xanga

    Yeah, don't make out with him or anything, that might give him mixed signals.
  • photse@xanga

    Let him decide..some people are able to handle being friends with their crush. Chances are he'll probably just move on, and your friendship will remain.. 
  • a_single_raindrop@xanga

    Hm, I suppose you should talk to him first. Tell him you have a boyfriend that you're very happy with and you don't want to jeopardize your relationship with your bf or him. Make it clear that the only thing you want is to be friends with him.


    And then keep your distance. If he keeps coming onto you, and you have already told him about your bf, then ... well he isn't that great of a guy. But if he respects your relationship with your boyfriend, then I'd say friends is okay. Just don't overstep the boundaries. :)

  • Dustin_wind@xanga

    @a_single_raindrop@xanga - Good answer! I agree with you.

    Keep your distance, yet since he's a close friend, talk it out with him, make sure he understands where you're coming from.
  • kor_girl@xanga

    It's a bit selfish on your part to keep his friendship because it's not fair for him to be your friend in your convenience. Keep your distance, be clear to him, and TRY not to confuse him with your actions and affections.

  • x__MYJAdEdLULLAbY@xanga

    i think you should lay it down & let him decide. at least that way youre less selfish & if he really likes you as a person you can remain friends. possibly GREAT friends
  • rosalieandalice1995@xanga

    I think that you should let him know how you feel. Then you can find out whether or not you need to stay away.
  • aCe_KeiAnar@xanga

    These situations are touchy. Usually they go 1 of 2 ways. You lose a friend. -or- You hurt a friend.
    The bottom line is, he feels the way he does and you're not going to be able to change his feelings. Only help him understand. Once you've done that, it's possible with his new understanding, he will learn not to let his attraction be his ruling emotion. Once he understands this, he'll probably be the one to keep the distance, and probably thin out contact. If he knows what's good for him *wink*
  • Kyren_SkyRyder@xanga

    Er...Are you 100% sure he likes you as 'more than just friends'? Maybe I'm a loser, but I suck at figuring out if guys are flirting with me or are just being friendly. There's no reason to not hang out with him just because you think he likes you. Be honest with him, and maybe you can keep your friendship and avoid any awkwardness.
  • KasumiCelesta@xanga

    If it hurts him, it hurts him. He's responsible for his actions as well. He has to either accept the fact that you're taken (and make it very clear that you are), or distance himself so as not to do or say something that is uncalled for. Of course you should also be careful that you don't lead him on, but if you want to be friends I don't think you have to completely avoid him or be mean so that he doesn't have feelings for you anymore. And if he doesn't take the hint, then that's when you have to start moving away.
  • UnopenedSuitcases@xanga

    just be friends with him. continue what you're doing. and state to him how glad you are that you guys are close friends. then if he makes a move, tell him you have a boyfriend and that your heart is NOT available. you wish to only be friends.

  • BoStOnIaNMoMmY@xanga

    well if he hasnt told u that he likes u in that way and ur just assuming then u can look like an ass in the end so i think u should continue on being his friends and if he does try to hit on u in any kind of way then thats when i would say distance urself, but if he hasnt said anything to u and ur just assuming then u cant end a friendship on ur thoughts when they can infact be wrong.

  • onlysortofirish

    I think it is possible to just be friends as long as it's clear (and I do mean CLEAR) that you are not interseted and in no sense is there a way for him to convince you otherwise. And put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes, if he had a close friend that was a girl who was trying to get with him, you'd want him to either break ties with her or make it very very clear he was not interested, etc.
  • linguistic_nonsense@xanga

    You shouldn't just assume he has it going for you. If it's plain obvious, that's a different story, but let's say for a moment that it's not obvious just for the sake of argument. I'd say continue on being his friend and should it indeed come to pass that he does have it going for you, that would be the time to tell him no and distance yourself a bit. The friendship doesn't have to end just because he has it going for you, at least not the very instant you find out. I like to believe that maybe a friendship could work out knowing the other is not on the market, but if it becomes apparent that his crush for you isn't going away, then you're going to need to back off even further for not just his sake but for yours as well as you claim to be 100% devoted to your current relationship.

    But the way I see it, he ought to know his boundaries and that they're not changing. He can either accept you two are just going to be friends or he can back off.
  • michellemegatron@xanga

    both. if you don't keep any kind or sort of distance, he's only going to think you're leading him on.

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