Sunday, 07 June 2009
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Grownup Love
I've started to notice a trend in popular titles around this community...-5 things girls should know about guys
-roughly 106 of the basics guys ought to know about girls
-some things a girl should never do to her guy
-20 things a guy ought never to say
-8 things a guy wants to hear
-650 things a girl looks for in a man
-83.574 things that should never come out of his/her mouth
-1,233 things I believe I'm entitled to in a relationshipTo be entirely honest, the neat and tidy lists claiming to hold secrets to a healthy relationship seem simple and fun. Everyone clicks, everyone reads, everyone comments taking one side or another. A woman considers herself generous if she finds a few things to knock off her list, and a guy equally so if he can condescend to agreeing with a gal's verdict. Frankly, it disgusts me.
I've always thought, perhaps in the blissful idealism that accompanies teenhood, that relationships at least ought to be based on love. I'm sure many would hasten to tell me that my assumption is correct, and in fact most rapport is cemented on just such a foundation. I beg to differ. I just don't see it. When I use the word love, I mean mature, lasting love. Grownup love. By definition, "love" should be...
love–noun1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. 2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. 3. sexual passion or desire. 4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart. 5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love? 6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour. 7. sexual intercourse; copulation. 8. (initial capital letter 
) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor. 10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books. 11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love. 12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
Actually, my favourite definition happens to be from another source...love
1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
It seems to me this mature, grownup love has been lost in a toddler-filled world in which everyone follows the Toddler's Rules of Ownership. Our culture, far from atheistic, makes self god. Our form of holy worship, therefore, is to gratify self at all costs. Unhappy still with our graven images observed in mirrors, we cut and sew pasted grins on our idols. Naturally, dating follows the same pattern. It is selfish, designed to wring from another person the utmost pleasure and discard him or her the moment said pleasure abates. Too harsh? Think about it.Although I can't speak of relationships beyond my observation, I think a better "x number of things that helps a relationship" would take after the second definition displayed. It might read...3 real PDAs for guys and girls1. be him/her-seeking rather than self-seekingin action: honestly looking out for his/her needs or desires rather than your own-- and not JUST when you're in a particularly generous mood2. take responsibility for your mistakes rather than shifting the blamein action: when there is a screw up, own up to your part in the matter and then let it go3. forgive his/her mistakes before he/she asks for forgiveness (or even realizes he/she is at fault!)in action: forfeit your right to anything he/she might owe you-- an apology, flowers, chocolate, dinner, a phone call, an explanation, a new car-- as a result of him/her being wrong and FORGET IT EVER HAPPENEDor maybe5 questions that'd do well to come out of a person's mouth with changes following1. what do YOU want to do?2. how can I encourage you?3. how can I better support you?4. is there anything I do that makes you uncomfortable?5. how can I treat you better?Grownup love isn't just a selfish emotion. It is a constant, minute by minute sacrifice. Ask any parent.Are you tough enough to grow up and love?
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About the Author
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- From: notetheclaws@xanga
- Name: Chloe
- About Me: I am a writer. I am the sort who constantly has ink somewhere on her clothing or hands. I would rather write than eat, and so I frequently forget that I am hungry at all. When I am not writing, I am thinking about writing or turning my immediate experiences into words. I am absent minded, but have occasional moments of wit. I am generally klutzy, but sometimes manage grace in my unorthodox disaster-avoidance maneuvers. I would prefer listening to talking nearly any day, but should you catch me in the right mood I am loquacious to a fault as you might bear witness to now..
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Comments (32)
I really liked reading this. Good post.
Excellent post. (:
very mature point of view.
the thing is, i've had both childish and grown up relationships. and the latter is by far more fulfilling and fun. there's hardly a day that ends without me feeling grateful for being able to share life with my husband. you're absolutely right- grownup is the way to go.
:)
no, i don't think i could :(
i'm very immature :D
Good post!
nicely done
nicely done.
Great post, really. :)
reading this was way better than reading "5 things girls look for in a guy" or "20 things to never say to a girl". great post.
I agree, to a point. While I do believe that love, in part, is characterized by selflessness, there is also taking that TOO far, i.e. if one person is hit by the partner and "selflessly" just "forgives and forgets"...
Grown-up love isn't utter selflessness. It's finding that balance between being selfless for the other person, yet being selfish enough to expect that the other person would do exactly the same.
Still, I do understand what you're trying to say, and I think in contrast to your aforementioned childish lists, you've definitely got it right ;) (And I must say, I'm a huge fan of the I Corinthians verse!)
Wonderful post. I greatfully greet each moment that is filled with 'grown-up' love.
Nothing could be better!
Thank you for 1 corinthians 13 reference.
(again!)
Exactly. Love is about the other person.
i like this!
i'm learning but it's kind of hard sometimes. you know?
Love isn't supposed to be selfish. If it's selfish, it isn't love.
This is probably the best post I've read on this site.
I completely disagree with your application of this passage. This is talking about general love. Christians are called to love everyone in the way you described. They are NOT called to have romantic love with everyone (as the lists apply to). You failed to take into account the difference between the love you give to your neighbor and the love you give to a husband or wife. While the spousal relationship should follow the same rules, it is a different type of love which is dependent upon things like the criteria in the lists. If you want to argue that people should get married to raise children, then you still can't deny that there needs to be a certain set of criteria involved (for example, being Christian).
I agree that the lists that have been so popular recently are stupid, but I don't think that it is all bad. When you are looking for a partner to spend the rest of your life with - to raise your children with - you have to be choosy. It would not be wise to marry the first person you come upon just because you love them as you are commanded to love them.
You also seem to be assuming that just because the author has a preference means that they are going to be extremely selfish when they get into a relationship. I doubt this is the case for most of the authors. Don't judge the whole person based on a blog entry or a comment because I am sure that YOU have your own mental list for your potential spouse. I bet these are four of the criteria:
Is a male
Is old enough to marry
Is a Christian
Follows the rules of love mentioned above
But there I go, judging you based on one blog entry :)
PS according to your rules you ought to have forgiven all of the authors and commenters and told them you loved them
yes! finally,
needed someone to bring up that the "___ of qualities that a girl looks for"
is seriously... seriously... lame.
great post. props
It's too vague and abstract to label it "grownup" or "teenage". I like to think "love" is something we can never fully grasp - and we never should - because it's meant to be out of reach.
good article thank you, cosmo and no blog will ever record all the whims and eccentricities of the heart, they are undefinable and unpredictable, but as lunch reading, and break up self-help in bite sized, souffle forms, they are entertaining and a little comforting...
@LupusInvictus@xanga - I think all of the Biblical loves, to really be loves, must start at this point-- including the relational/romantic. Yes, that is the basic "agape" love which Christians are to show to everyone. If you can't have that basic love for a potential future spouse, how can you love him/her selflessly in a more romantic sense? As my friend put it, "if we're supposed to love everyone like that, then why does the person you supposedly love the most get worse treatment [than the rest]?"
*laugh* And yes, I do have my own criteria list. I don't think standards are bad at all, that's not what I'm saying. You'll notice, however, many of the lists from other posts tend to be superficial. Thanks for the thoughtful response. :)
tnx for the well written post [;
Being a grown up isn't about ideals. It's about reality, not everyone will think like you unfortunately, you have to learn how to deal with it. And the true test of relationship is not in the ideals, that's why most children's fairytales are based on them but the true test is seeing the flaws of another person and being able to live with them.
These types of posts should be dominating datingish and every single love article out there. Love is definitely an ongoing phase, minute-by-minute sacrifice.