Imagine you have an ex that you're NOT on good terms with. For example, if you happened to be in the same room with this person, you would barely even make eye contact. And now imagine that you still had feelings for this person. You're not sure of how deep your feelings go, but it is enough to completely overwhelm you sometimes.
And say that your ex is pretty good friends with your good friends. The friends you usually want to spend time with, the friends that you confide in with most things, and so on. For example, they are the few people that know you still have feelings for this ex.
This ex likes to cook a lot, and hosts parties every now and then to cook for everyone. And this person basically invites many people well acquainted with, including ALL of your good friends, but of course, not you. And this time around, your friends actually want to go/are going.
How would that make you feel? What would you make out of these feelings? Would you tell your friends how you feel? If so, how would you do it without sounding selfish?
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Comments (39)
i wouldn't care too much unless i had something planned that same day and my friends chose my ex over me. haha
Considering it is selfish, I'm not sure how to go about talking about it without sounding selfish.
This happens to me on a freaking weekly basis. I wish I were exaggerating. -_-
Sounds like your need new friends!
i'd hope they'd go half the time...it may sound selfish, BUT it's what photse implied, your friends would know how that made you feel, and would do so out of courtesy...at least half the time i hope xD
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story of my life. after i broke up with my ex, i lost almost all of my friends except for my closest girlfriends.
I'd be bummed...but hopefully there might be that friend that would stay by me, maybe us go do our own thing. I mean, that in itself is pretty selfish, but as a good friend I'd consider that.
With the people in my life right now, I'd always choose my best friends (which are girls) over any of their boyfriends, including those that are also my good friends. I know it's not necessarily healthy to always take sides, but I'd definitely know when my friend was feeling left out, or just facing this kind of icky situation. Hopefully, someone would do that for me too. Of course, you can't always ask someone to give up a social event for you, but I think a good friend or two might see your outside position.
of course if not, I'd do my own thing. I mean if he's my ex, he's GOT to be lame for some reason. I kid, I kid. but seriously.
Well I would just tell them how I feel towards it, but honestly you cant make them choose, otherwise you might not like that outcome.
Honestly? Even though it does sound selfish for you to think that it's unfair that your good friends are hanging out with your ex, it's very understandable to become jealous/angry.
I am, was, and still am in the same situation as you. The difference is, he doesn't cooks, but he hosts parties with awesome movies, and most if not ALL of my really really good friends go. Of course, when I hear his name, I refuse to go by making up excuse such as having to work OT, or having other stuff to take care of. (But in reality sitting at home, being extremely bitter that he is taking away my good friends that were friends with ME FIRST.)
But as time went on, I realized that with some things, there will be costs and sacrifices. The decision to not be together with this person, means that you will have to sacrifice some times with your friends, no matter how much you DON'T want to. I think you should actually go out with other friends, enjoy life, go shopping, go have a couple of drinks with friends that aren't that close to you and get to know them better. Who knows? Maybe you won't need those friends anymore, and have new ones. Right now, I learned to ask myself whether I really really want to hang out with them when my ex is there, and most of the time, I really feel "eh, I don't care, because I feel tired anyways so I won't go." and i don't care about his presence that much anymore.
I hope it works out for you, you just have to choose your battles wisely. Maybe you should host something, and invite your friends over without your ex being there. That's what I do sometimes too.
I would just deal. Wouldn't tell my friends. They have the right to live their own lives however they want to, and if you tell them - no matter in what way - you ARE selfish. I would just deal with it, life's hard.
@xthread@xanga - You couldn't have said it any better.
This is my situation exactly... but as long as your friends dont have feelings for your ex.. you are okay.. if one of your friends does like your ex.. you need to talk with that friend and find out how you truly feel!
For example, let it go.
I've been on both sides of the fence with this ordeal. Several years ago my good friend broke up with his girlfriend, who I was also friends with. I tried to hang out with both of them and he didn't like it. He would get upset if I mentioned her, so I wouldn't mention her, then he would say I was hiding things from him so I was like WTF?!!! Several years later she is one of my good friends and he has drifted away. It still saddens me when I think about how good of friends we used to be but he kept looking at at as "He is placing her above me" or "He likes her better than me." rather than just looking at the situations and seeing that something she planned might be something I'd be more into. Bottom line is you won't lose your good friends unless you push them away like he did. You can't look at it as a competition.
When I broke up with my last ex, I was put in the same situation my friend had been in. She was friends with a lot of my friends and suddenly wanted to hang out with all of them. Rather than get upset about it I let them do whatever they wanted without complaining but I did let them know that I didn't think I should be around her. Before long all my friends were back at my side and we grew closer because of it. Your friends will do whatever they want and you can't do anything about it except for react. Just make sure your reaction is rational and doesn't hurt anyone or drive them away.
Yeah, you really can't do much about the people your friends choose to hang out with. It sucks, but the last thing you want to do is make them feel as if they have to choose sides. You'll only end up losing friends.
The best thing you can do, I think, is make some new friends that aren't in with this same group. That way you'll have something to do when all your old friends are out with him, and it helps put some distance between you and your ex as well. When you're constantly hanging out with people who knew and/or were friends with your ex, it makes it harder to move on. Don't cut friends out of your life for no reason, but definitely do use this time to branch out and meet some new people too!
i will b very upset..really.
well i say dump the rest of those pp and get a new set of frens.
I am in a similar situation. You can talk to your friends about it, but in the end realize they're not such great friends if they are ignoring your feelings. Make new friends.
@xthread@xanga - I agree with you there.
I've been on both sides of the fence and all I can tell you is to just try and let it go. :\ You can tell your friends how you feel, but at the same time, your friends are free to hang out with whom they choose.
@DucatiPunk@xanga - Well put. You have it right on the money. :)
I mean, it sucks to have it happen, but your ex is their friend too. You can't just expect them to cut him off because of what happened between you two. I bet it'd hurt even more if you told your friends to chose and they chose him. That would hurt for it to happen to him too, so let it be. Maybe you could even get on better terms with your ex. I'm not sure what happened between you two, but is it worth possibly losing your friends over?
Honestly, id be really pee'd off, unless i had something to do myself that night. But knowing me, i'd actually do that to an ex, and invite all his friends & not him. I wouldnt tell my friends i was upset, & i'd let them go definatly, hell no am i gunnar stop my friends from doing what they want, & i am definatly not gunnar let my ex know he's got to me by doing that.
Ugh I'm in a similar situation. My (former) BFF is now BFFs with the only ex I am not on good terms with, and between him and her man I never get to hang out with her anymore. I've tried mentioning it, but it gets nowhere :( I haven't seen or heard from her since January.
I'd be pretty pissed and hurt and would let my friends know, but in a subtle way that doesn't force them to make a decision. I don't think you can do much if your friends are guys, but girls tend to be more loyal to their girlfriends. When someone mistreats or hurts one of my friends, I get angry myself and don't treat that person any way better than "polite."
this is kind of my situation...except i am an ex who is hanging out with his friends. one time i was over at a buddy of his house, who is also a buddy of mine who i actually met through him. i pretended to be our friend on AIM and talked to my ex, and when he finally guessed who it actually was, he didn't care.
in fact, in my case, he shouldn't care because he has a new gf neways and what we had was nothing serious for him to be mad at me for hanging out with his friends without him.
it just depends on how serious the relationship was.