Saturday, 06 June 2009
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We're Like Brother And Sister...But More
I've been friends with this guy for many years now, and recently, we've gotten really close, best friends close. However, things changed because we started to become FWB (we started getting, um, friendly in February). Bad move, right? But it happened. The bigger problem is that he's 17 (and still in high school!) and I'm almost 22 (just finished college and I'm looking for a job already!). He and I have shared so much from the past couple of years. We became closer about two years ago when we broke up with our respective SOs, so he was practically my go-to guy and I was his go-to girl.
We love each other, but we are not together per se. Why? Because of the circumstan ces. The thing is, I treated him as a younger brother for the longest time (which ended when we started FWB) and I've been an "older sister" to him. (I put that in quotation marks because he claims that he never really treated me like one, just pretended because I'm so much older than he is. Everyone knows us as the brother and sister tandem!
He's just starting senior year this coming September, and I'll be working my way towards my future. I'm just very confused at the moment because I really do care for him, but until when are we gonna be under this arrangement? We can't go public yet, because they won't understand. They, as in mutual friends (again going back to the brother-sister relationship we had). We have too many mutual friends, plus all the families of the friends are very close together, too. They will judge for sure, and being the older one in the relationship, I feel like I will get the ultimate kick in the butt in the end if ever this "secret relationship" comes out.
I just don't know what to do! He plans to go away to Cali for college (we're from NJ), and we both know that an LDR is not going to happen. I'm just overwhelmed by the fact that we need each other, but can't be together. Or am I just making excuses? Because we can be together, it's just that i don't want to because of people judging this. Aaaaaah. I don't know. I'm starting to rationalize my actions. I regret being FWB with him before, but now, not anymore, after what we've been through, I can most definitely say that neither of us can live without each other.
But what to do? Keep hiding? Go public? Stop the FWB? But there are just too many strong emotions involved that I don't think I can ever go back to just being friends! PLEASE HELP!
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Comments (28)
If he is planning on moving a long way and a LDR isn't something that you two will try then I say break it off.
If you really care for him (and if he cares for you in the same way) then you guys will try the LDR and see how that goes.
Just remember that he is 17 and usually 17 year old boys aren't looking for a "serious" relationship. Not all boys are the same... and only you know what he really wants.
good luck.
I think you should sit yourselves (you and the guy) down and have a heart to heart talk. From your post, it doesn't sound like it's really a problem of you guys being together, it's just you don't, or can't, face others' reactions when they find out that you're with a guy 5 years your junior. Ask him if he has any problems with you two going out as boyfriends and girlfriends, ask him what he thinks about other people judging you two as a couple...ask him what he thinks about you two as a couple. You said that your mutual friends won't understand...what is there to not understand? You like him, he likes you, therefore you two are going out. End of story. Yes, it might seem a bit weird that you're dating a guy that's 5 years younger than you, and that you're dating a guy that's in totally different phase in life than you are...but really, it all comes down to you two. I don't think the relationship between you and him is a concern of others, so don't let others' opinions bog you down.
stop the fwb. It doesn't seem from this like either of you are committed to this in the long term, and are going to end up in different places, and are in very different places in life. get out while the going is good. While age is not necessarily a huge issue, the fact that you believe it is will ultimately hold you back in any sort of romantic relationship with this person, and I say that from experience. It's easy to say "age doesn't matter," but when you feel like everyone's eyes are always on you, judging, you learn that it's a lot easier to say that then to really feel it in your heart.
I never like FWBs nor I ever intend to be one. Friends should remain friends.
although i also want to add that for his sake, i think you should break it off. i really wish i hadn't been in a LDR starting college because it sometimes held me back from meeting new people, and really just wasn't a great idea because people change so much at that age. it just creates a lot of stress. break it off and if you're really right for each other, it will happen, later in life.
Stop being FWB. Let go of the romantic side for a while. Let him experience life. Get your life in order.
But, keep in touch. Stay friends. You never know where your life path will lead you. Yours might just cross again.
Unfortunately, the best thing to do is probably to let this go and JUST be friends. I've always regarded FWBs to be a bad idea...but regardless, he's planning to go to Cali after graduation. He needs to live his life.
Age isn't much of a factor, though. If family and friends have a problem with it, they'll get over it, should something last between you two.
Just be friends. Or get his opinion on the whole matter.
first off you guys need to stop the FWB right away!!!! i'm not going to say any more about that.
secondly, i'd say its best not to start anything right now. remain friends. everyone says that age isnt a factor when it comes to love... and it may be true, but maturity is a factor in keeping a relationship strong and healthy. and i'm not saying he's not a mature guy, but he IS only 17. he's going to change a LOT within the next couple years. look back at when you were 17 and how much you've changed in the past 5 years, especially from college. you guys are in two different places right now. he's just getting ready to start his life and you're already a couple phases into it.
i'm not saying you guys arent meant to be. i dont know that! but i do think that its not meant to be right now. let him grow up a little and live his life. but keep each other in your lives. if it really IS meant to be you guys will find your way back to each other and in a circumstance where its easier for you guys to be together.
he's 17, when he's 20 or 21, he's gonna start wanting other things and you're probably not going to be part of it anymore when he starts to live in the real world. plus look at it this way, you're a college graduate, your life experiences are way ahead of him and one day he might use that to his advantage. i don't really mind the age gap but he's still a minor.
talk to him and figure things out. what do you both want to do? Do you guys want to stay together? Then go public and let people judge you. They're going to have to get used to the idea anyways if you're thinking about living with him in the future. don't do FWB because that's just the "in between" and will get you guys nowhere. at least you both stopped.
oh wow this seems like a tough situation. like what the others said, talk to him about it. sit down with him. and hopefully he'll be mature enough to hear your reasonings regarding this matter.
Umm...if the awkwardness of the situation isn't enough of a reason to break it off, perhaps the fact that he's jailbait is a good enough reason? Just sayin.
Screw what anyone else thinks!
DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY!
I see no harm in what you're doing. Sure he is a lot younger, but in no time he will be 'legal' and then that problem is gone. Mutual friends will most likely understand since you two were so close to begin with.
Just see where things go and as long you're happy, who cares.
:]
hmm I'd say just be friends...
Your 22... he's 17. No offense... but find someone your own age or close to it. He's an immature high school kid and you are in college... you will get ridiculed and made fun of if you let other people know about it... even though they might have an inkling of what you two are really doing with eachother already... but you never know I guess. Plus after high school he's leaving... so yeah. It would be different if you two were in your twenties... but unfortunately he's only going to be a senior in high school. So stop the FWB thing and hang out with college friends so you can meet some nice college guys. Just my advice.
If you have such strong emotions, then why not just go from "secret FBW" to simply bf-gf?
i think its the age difference that makes u confuse as to what to do.
You know that that's illegal if he's under 18. He can take anything you do with him and claim that you are a child molester or something. I doubt that he would. but you never know.
judging from the post, if you two are wanting to give this a legit shot then go for it. don't let societies view kill something good that you two share. I dated a girl 4 years younger than myself and we were seriously THE.BEST.FITTING.PAIR.EVER. I haven't found another like her since. but what ultimately killed us was friends of her family judging us (which now sadly got me dubbed "craddle robber"). so if your gonna do it, DO IT. but make sure that he's willing to fight the pressure thats gonna be coming down hard on him from his home life.
@NadoAngel@xanga - Well said. I couldn't agree more. :)
The age difference makes me a little skeptical that you guys could work out...but hey, I guess if he's mature enough and you're more playful than the typical 22 year old, you guys might make a great couple. I guess a good talk would be great to figure out whether or not you should date officially. I would wait a few years to make the relationship public since the insults, snide remarks, and condescension might make enough friction between you two to make you break up.
If you wanna be together, be together. Familes will always judge because they want the best for you and friends will stay by you if they are really your friends. Concerning the LDR, you and him have to decide if a break is neccessary, but he still has another whole year in high school. He could change his mind.On that note, if he wants to experience college, maybe it would be best to break it off, but stay in touch. If you two are meant to be together, you still will be meant to be in 4 or 5 years. Give it sometime and good luck.