Miss Rhino
Serial monogamists. How do they do it? Seriously?
Everyone has that friend who is always in a serious relationship. And when that relationship crumbles, it's on to the next one. They are rarely single for more than a couple months, and every new relationship seems like true love. How can some people have so many meaningful, long-lasting relationships while others can't even seem to get a second date?
Are some people born with the relationship gene while others are left drowning in the deep end of the gene pool?
I've studied - yes, studied - the characteristics and personalities of the serial monogamists that I know. They aren't so different from you and me. They eat their Wheaties and watch Law and Order: SVU just like the rest of us. What do they have that I don't have?
At first I was jealous of these relationship-hoarding people. They are stealing all of the upstanding gentlemen right from under me! But then I took a closer look into the lifestyle that I so desperately coveted. Having long-term relationships means having long and agonizing break-ups. And their next SO is essentially a rebound. And then, two years later, they have to deal with the painful break-up from the rebound guy. And so on and so forth. Not something I could ever envy in good conscience.
My one friend (who dumped her boyfriend of 4 years and picked up a new one within 3 months) said that you can't move on from your relationship or admit that you weren't in love with the person until you fall in love with someone else. That is why people are able to jump so quickly from one relationship to the next. But I can't decide whether I believe her or not. I have always looked at it a different way.
Maybe serial monogamy isn't the product of falling in and out of love or even a matter of genetics (which is still up for debate in my mind). My question is: Are serial monogamists simply afraid of being alone?
While I have always envied those who were what I considered "the relationship type," I am completely comfortable being single. Sometimes I even prefer it. I guess that's something to be envied as well. The confidence to be alone and wait for the right person to sweep me off my feet. No matter how LONG that seems to be taking!
Do you consider yourself a serial monogamist or have a friend who is? Is being in a relationship like a comfort zone to them? Is serial monogamy a blessing or a curse?
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Comments (51)
They're not picky. They often mistake the emotional high of infatuation with true love. Many of them are in fact afraid to be alone, for whatever reason.
At least that's how the serial monogamists I know are.
Hm. It actually depends.
Personally, I have had a lot of opportunities to enter long-term, monogamous relationships. And I figure that if my current relationship ever ends, I will enter another relationship after I've gotten over him (whether that process takes weeks, months, or years, idk.) This isn't because I'm uncomfortable being single (I love not having to account to anyone, actually), but rather because I would like the guy that I'd be interested in dating.
There's nothing wrong with being in multiple long-term relationships, UNLESS you only do it as a rebound or to avoid being single. There are many different types of serial monogamists. Please don't stack them all in the same group. (I might just as easily say that people who are often single are afraid of commitment, or undesirable, or any other number of stereotypes, but it's clearly not true of every single person.)
i think i'm like that. you kinda just like teh company plus they are easily mistaken of what they see and all. it's not really something that you want really.
My best friend is a Serial Monogamist, like you said. She's always in a relationship and can't ever seem to stay single for so long. I've studied, yes studied, her and I've seen that she's a natural flirt. So guys hit on her and talk to her and yadda yadda. Then when she likes a guy she likes to get close and cuddly and such things. So she's always in a relationship, because the guys are never stopping and she can't not like the attention. I mean who wouldn't?
While me on the other hand. I'm usually always single, because I can't really flirt and do all those cute girly things to get guys attention. I'm a beezy. I'm in a relationship now but it's not monogomus.
I have another friend who has never been single for longer than 6 months. And that was her transition from being straight to lesbian.
Maybe Serial monogomists know how to make relationships work and can love a lot.
oh my gosh, I have an acquaintance (bf's cousin) who is constantly in a relationship. She admitted she's been in 15! serious relationships and she's almost 30. I do think she's afraid of being alone. I think it might attribute to middle child syndrome too.
I had wanted to do it but I also enjoyed just dating when I was single. I actually broke up with a serial monogamist otherwise would've turned out as one. I've only been in 6 relationships totalling 3.5 years of my entire life and I'm in my late 20s. Btw, I'm also the oldest child in the family so I guess I've gained MORE confidence being single than in a relationship.
I don't think I am :/ I've only had one boyfriend, and I'm still with him but we are in a serious relationship, and a lot of my friends ask me "don't you ever get bored? Three years is so long!"
But I do know what you mean. There was this girl in my high school who was with her boyfriend for about two years and all of a sudden she and him are separated. And then I hear that she's in another committed relationship and I'm like ... wow, how can you go from saying "i love you" to one guy to saying it to the next? But my friends tell me that I shouldn't judge. Maybe serial monogomists like being in a relationship - attention, happiness - so they try harder to get and secure a boyfriend.
I am a serial monogamist. I'm not afraid of being lonley... It just seems to work out in that way. I'm always meeting a guy I wouldnt mind dating- and then a year or so passes. We brake up, I rebound, after a few months I find another guy.
I'm not sure why I do it.
I love being in love with someone, but it is not a necessity. In the past 5 years, I've had a total of 2 meaningful relationships. I don't know anyone who would not want to be in a long lasting relationship, or at least get some sweet pootang. lol
On the whole though, those that do bounce from one person to the next, and are described as being in love and all that, are afraid of being alone. I don't blame them. I hate being alone myself.
The confidence to be alone and wait for the right person to sweep me off my feet
I'm just like n' while I do envy those sweet couples hugging n' kissin' cos I'd like to have someone who loves me that way, I also like the fact that I prefer to be single rather than being with someone I don't even love...
I have friends like urs n' I think they're just insecure and not independent, aspects I love 'bout me
The right person will come when I don't expect him...
Umm I think that serial monogamists are usually (there are exceptions of course) insecure, or as you said, looking for rebounds. I've known a serial monogamist; she is honestly the most insecure person you will ever meet. She gets furious when you point out that her watch is slow. Yea...I know. But back to the point, I think that the people who constantly need relationships are insecure and also, I doubt every relationship these monogamists delve into are really as "serious" as you believe them to be. Think about it, if these people are insecure of themselves, they surely do not love themselves enough. If they don't love themselves, how can they love anyone else? They are just in love with the feeling of being in love, which really makes their series of relationships seem serious, when they're really not.
I think I tried being the serial monogamist but being a realist who hates wasting her time, when at signs of issues repetitive, I turn into a pro-dating singlelite (hahaha new word!). I've been single for approx 5 months since my last serious relationship. THis is the first time, I've successfully remained single (by choice) for more than 2 months. Whereas my best friend's been with her ex for 5 years, and after only being single for 2 months, she met her current bf and now they've been together for 1.5 yrs now. I'm amazed at her for being with someone for YEARS so easily while I somehow manage to get to month 9 and things fall apart.
Minus the approx 2 yrs that I took off for health reasons, since my age 22 and onwards, I've had four serious relationships and each had the singlelite season of 2 months at best. My longest relationship was 14 months. I don't know what the magic is to having long relationships either.Sometimes I wonder if my friends (I have one who's been with her bf for 7yrs) are just afraid of getting into the dating world and seeing what's out there. As much as I applaud them for such troopers under the fire of relationship problems, why is it that they feel I'm so much braver at what I'm doing (dating) than they are? Also there is this whole age thing... the older women get, their level of concern of being a lonely spinster becomes too concrete to ignore, and they find it easier to persuade their thoughts in being 'happy' with what they have. Then they get married and are they truly happy?? Or am I just being a cynic? haha O_o
I don't know. I can't move on that quick. Things are just different for all people. Some can easily get over someone to protect themselves.
They think they're in love when really its just the feelings of infatuation everyone gets in the beginning of a relationship. Or they are so willing the take the first person who accepts them that their immense relief over being accepted is misconstrued as love. Both cases happen in high school constantly.
i'm not a serial monogamists, i think it's because there are times when i just want to have fun and just date around but i do have a friend who is and sometimes i envy her relationships with these guys. my last relationship lasted 2 years but we were always off and on all the time, on breaks, i even hooked up with a couple of guys in between. i guess what i envy is that even though they're serial monogamists, after that relationship is over, they're in the next relationship again, and they find that happiness so quickly while i'm still dwelling on my pain and wandering if mr right now can walk by again.
I think part of it is that they aren't realistic- every guy or girl they meet is "the one," just like the last 5 were, and they also just have a lot of confidence in themselves- because that is honestly part of what it takes to date one person after another. You have to believe you're worth dating.
**I AM A SERIAL MONOGAMIST***
Once a relationship ends, the heart is still fresh and raw with pain and you're in a vulnerable state. When the next guy comes along who is kind, sweet, flirty, gives you and you only the attention and flattery and security you needed from the previous relationship - well, the heart that's still opened up and bleeding.... it wants and needs that next guy as the *band-aid*.
When I go into my rebound relationships, I literally BLOCK OUT all pain and emotion and memory I had ever experienced from my previous relationship. I am focused on the "new guy" and for the time being, I am satisfied.
However, this goes beyond just what I stated above. I have rejection issues and abandonment issues. The act of someone leaving me, breaking up with me, is horrid.
Also, I subconsciously choose dumb douchebag guys - so when the relationship IS over, I am so relieved and disgusted by their douchebagness, that the "new guy" suddenly has a HALO on his head and appears to look like THE ONE. Even if he may not be, and it's just all in my head. LOL.
Anyway, if any of you have questions, contact me. I'm pretty open about my neurotic tendencies. Hehe.
i have a friend like that. Well, she's more like the one who is ALWAYS in love with someone. no matter what, it's one guy or another. Too bad for her, because there is not one of them who has actually liked her back.
Oh yeah, when I am single - I am totally fine and dandy. In fact, I'm happiest when I am single.
But I don't know why guys LEECH onto me when I'm TOTALLY FINE, and suddenly I'm in a relationship again.
Sometimes they lure me in with their "I'm ready to settle down and think of marriage" bullshit. As a woman, of course that sounds appealing to me because I do dream about a beautiful wedding from time to time. =)
Anyway I am NOT going to date for a good 2 years. I think my bf and I are broken up (not sure whether he sees it as a break-up or what...) and I had a horrible horrible week of depression and heartbreak. No more SERIAL DATING!!!!!!!!!! Ugh. GUYS ARE SUCH DUMB BASTARDS anyway.
rofl. I think it's because those people won't leave an old relationship till they meet someone for a new one. They're usually the ones who do the dumping.
Well.. hm.. I've been in my only serious relationship for 4 1/2 years now.. Since high school actually. Before that, yes I did get many crushes but that isn't to say I got into a relationship with each one that responded!Â
Some people might think that that is too long for my age, but I'm happy in my relationship. I think in any relationship, if you have the right balance of independence and support, it can work. There are some people that are very insecure, but personal growth happens in any relationship.. it isn't as one-dimensional or simple as saying that the only reason for serial monogamists is because of insecurities. From my observation, it can really be a number of things.That being said, there are many people that look at relationships as a way to fill voids, especially if they have familial issues or insecurities. From my personal experience though, it isn't that easy for me to move on from one guy to the next.. and goodness forbid that my current bf and I break up, I can honestly say I would probably end up single for at least a year..Â
I think it is just different for everyone, but I do think that if a person is together for a long time for the WRONG reasons (attachment, fear of being alone, etc) and mostly for those reasons, the relationship will fail anyway because the foundation isn't strong. Even if one partner is completely in love and willing to work at the relationship, if the other one views their relationship mostly through reasons relating to insecurities, fear, attachment, etc.. it will eventually show and the relationship won't work. I mean, think about it like this, what about married people who have been together HAPPILY for years and years? I don't think you can assume that all happily married people are together only because they are scared they won't find someone better. There's just too many factors that go into it. Love itself is too abstract to apply simple logic to.Jeez.
I guess I would be a serial monogamist, but I have to say. I kind of take offense to the things about me that are being implied. I.e., I cannot be alone. I have some kind of rebound effect, every relationship is the next best thing, etc.
I've only dated four guys. Only one of those I dated less than a year. My high school ex- 2 years. The next serious guy- 3 years. The guy I'm dating now, Andrew, is probably the best guy I've ever dated. And we've really only been going out for four months.
Here's the thing. This is something you forgot to consider. Maybe we just don't 'date'. Maybe we only really 'go out' with someone if we seriously, seriously like them, as a person. I don't date people with just dating in mind. It's just not how I work. It just feels like I'm wasting time. And I've actually tried dating 'just to date' since it seemed like something other people are doing, but I end up breaking it off in 3-4 days, yes, days, because it's just not for me.
The thing with each of these relationships is....there's probably 3-4 months in between each one. I have no idea why, it's just the case. I don't go looking for boyfriends- they just appear. The one after the high school ex, that lasted for 3 years? Met him through a best friend. Things just happened, I didn't plan it. The guy I'm dating now? I actually wanted to be single. I wanted to know what being 21 was like without someone there by your side. My current boyfriend had to work REALLY hard to get me, because I didn't know what a good thing I was trying to pass up. I'd cancel dates, call him and straight up say, "I don't think this is working for me, I'm not in the right place right now." And he'd say, "OKay, well please don't cut me out of your life. Let's just stay friends."
What I'm trying to say is: we are not all needy, whiny, pathetic losers. Maybe we're just lucky or maybe we're just honest people trying to make it work with other honest people.
Ugh I hate girls who are like that. The guys are all right; they tend to be somewhat player-ish, but the girls are always so desperate, so empty, so insecure from my experience. One of my girlfriends is just like that - she feels lost without a relationship, a boy by her side. I think it's sad...she can't be happy unless she has a man defining her life.
I was one pretty much since I was 14! Haha, it's not that I didn't feel comfortable alone; I do! It's just that I get over people very quickly, it doesn't matter how long it lasted. To me there is no point sitting around "broken hearted" mourning the loss of a boyfriend. There are tons of fish in the sea and if we didn't work out, who cares? That just means someone better is out there! I am pretty sure I've only been single for like 3 months TOPS since that time, and now I'm happily married. I think it's because I'm MORE realistic about things and laid back. I don't get broken hearted over break-ups, and when I date a guy just for the fun of it, it's obviously because I liked him in the first place (never strangers, until I tried to break my serial monogomism and dated a couple of boys at the same time, but one of then ended up being my husband, so THAT didn't work out either hahaha) so we end up liking each other more after we start dating and then things naturally happen. I will say though that most of the guys I end up dating I knew before I broke up with my boyfriend, and it seems like they "waited" for it to be over; I don't know.
I have two different friends who are like that and it's so annoying. And I really think it is just because they're afraid to be alone.
I am a serial monogamist, and it's not because I'm afraid of being lonely! It's because I'm so awesome that I just happen to attract all the best guys toward me so I always have great guys to pick from once I break up (no joke... I tend to be one of the only girls in a large group of males). The break ups are terrible though, and since the relationships are long it's harder to break up because you get so used to being with the person. I am definitely not afraid of being single, and in fact last relationship I craved it because my boyfriend sucked so much, but he kept clinging to me no matter how hard I tried to break it off. He was so annoying! Anyway, yep, I'd say the only thing you've said that applies to me is the bad breakup part. I enjoy being single. And I only rebounded once.
@coldfaceblush@xanga - hear hear! we're serial monogamists because we choose the best guys to go out with =D