Recently, my boyfriend and I have been having problems in our relationship. To put it simply, he has a hard time letting go of my past. I'm 17 years old and have been with two guys. For the most part, I think that's an alright number. It's a little higher than I would like, but I'm not worried about it. On the other hand, my boyfriend is a virgin. It doesn't exactly bother me that he's a virgin, but sometimes I feel like the difference puts a huge gap between us, partially because I don't really have any idea what he's done (and he refuses to tell me) but mostly because
he can't move on from my past.
For me, I like to have a general idea of what my significant other has done (or how many people he's done...) for health reasons (not trying to wake up with crabs) and just to kind of get a good sense of how experienced this person is (which isn't important to me unless it's an extreme on either end of the spectrum). I don't care to ask with whom these activities were with since it would be both an invasion of privacy, and just something that I don't need to know. The thing is, because I like going into a relationship and having a general sense of what I'm walking into; over time I'll eventually open up and tell my significant other about my past.
The problem here is that my boyfriend doesn't want to talk about his past at all (I'm not really sure why? If anyone has ideas please let me know) but he wants to know about things in my past that are significant.
So, disregarding the fact that this is completely hypocritical of him, he is bothered by the experiences I've had in my past and just can't stop thinking about them. This subject comes up every few weeks or so and each time it does, he expresses more and more that it bothers him, until recently when it almost got to the point where we almost broke up because he couldn't accept it and I'm unwilling to be in a relationship with someone who judges me by my past and then commonly references it.
Sometimes it's a completely random stab at an ex-boyfriend (usually making fun of how emotional he was) but it can get to a serious talk about how he doesn't like thinking about what I've done with other guys. Because my past bothers him so much and has actually caused us to grow apart, I suggested to him that I would just keep everything else to myself. But he doesn't like this idea and says he'll "just deal with it". Except...he says that every time, and never deals with it very well.
So here's the real question. Would you rather be in a relationship and be blissfully unaware of your significant other's past and just accept them for the person that he or she has have become or would you rather be in a relationship where you have a general idea of your significant other's past and just take the risk that he/she may or may not have some dirty laundry?
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Comments (36)
Knowing is always better imo, so you don't run into any surprises in the future.
i'm in between now because i used to be so open about my past experiences until i met someone who shared their past experience with me and i was kinda turned off by it. in this particular situation, i think you should only share if he's willing to share. why does he need to know but won't share?
i find no need to know. how does the past affect the present? it doesn't. you don't even need to know a number to know if they are disease free. in fact knowing a number tells you nothing about their disease status! anyway, all of this goes away the older you are although there are still guys like him at my age but they're just losers.
This guy sounds like such a drama queen...
Anyway, I'd expect that the past will eventually come out, so might as well put it out there (doesn't have to be right away, but don't try to hide it as long as possible either). If the other person can't accept it, it's time to break up with them, even if they say they'll deal and months later they still bring it up. And of course if I tell my past upon request, I expect to know his.
I was once involved with a guy whom I found out had two past sex partners, whereas I was a virgin. It was a bit disappointing for me to know that information, but I accepted it because I cared about him so much.
He doesn't really have a past..but it doesn't mean he needs to trash yours. It's not like you're some big whore, and frankly even if you were it's not really healthy to bring that up constantly in a relationship. I think he just needs to date a little more because he obviously isn't mature enough to deal with someone's past relationships.
i always wanna know some things about his past. esp if i'm about to give him all my attention, love, etc etc. u deserve to know that too. maybe he's insecure abt his past? or ashamed? maybe he never had a gf before? most of my guy friends who wouldn't wanna talk about their past, didn't have one. hopefully, your bf will open up.
well of course we all want to know but for him to not share his but wanting to know yours and get pissed off at it well.. there has to be a problem somewhere!
i am interested in my bfs past, i just want to know how many, how long ago, etc it does help determine if hes a player, or anything else. i mean i dont need to know the details!
my bf would ask me back whatever i ask him and i do tell him its only fair that we both say something but then if he is just uncomfortable or don't want to talk about it i dont ask further.
i personally dont think he gives a crap about my past as long as i am with him now thats all he cares about! :)
just let him know i just want to know for information sake, friends would ask so how many gfs have your bf had and you can't answer it. i guess you need to have a conversation and put it on the table what is important to you and him
I'd want to know, of course. The past builds up who he is. But your boyfriend seems to be very jealous of you. Maybe he doesn't want to tell you because he's embarrassed that he is so inexperienced?
Either way, he shouldn't be using it against you! What happened in the past is in the past. He needs to get over it. Talk to him about it. And gently get him to telll you about his past. Maybe there are things that he hasn't gotten over?
I think the more people know about someone's past the more likely they are to make assumptions and judgments. That's not fair in a new relationship.
If he wants you to share, he needs to share as well, or else you can tell him to just deal without knowing things.
its reasonable to know and he needs to get over it as long as you/him are faithful
It doesnt matter if you have done more then him, if you love this current boy friend then give him your all and he will do the same. But really you should always go with what your heart tells you.
Personally, i'd rather know. And if some one were judging me for my past, it would really bother me. I hope everything works out for you
i want to know and she'd have to get tested.
"The problem here is that my boyfriend doesn't want to talk about his past at all (I'm not really sure why? If anyone has ideas please let me know)"
People, you've got to stoppp asking such questions to the Xanga community. ASK YOUR BF.
It's as simple as that, yet people just don't seem to get it.
He doesn't want to talk about his past at all. Maybe he does not trust you or he worry that those thing about his past is not good for anyone. Heart to heart communication (or get a drink).
I'm thinkin' your boy probably feels really insecure about his lack of experience, and demonizing what you've done is a way to make him feel better about himself. If I were in your situation that would be a big turn off for me. I think you need to call him out it--tell him that you don't care about his lack of experience and don't think any less of him for it, but HE needs to stop taking his insecurities out on you. Two guys is not that many, and unless he specifically seeks out girls practicing abstinence it's pretty unrealistic to expect everyone he dates to be totally sexually inexperienced.
it's better to know everything and talk freely about it. it just makes the relationship all the better
1) He is a HYPOCRITE: If he claims to be a virgin, and he's done
nothing, then he should have no problems disclosing that to you
especially if he expects full disclosure from you. If he has done
various un-saintly things then he has no reason whatsoever to have a
problem with your previous history if his own record isn't clean
either. His double standard is unforgivable.
2) You are dating him not your exes, and he is dating you. There are two people in this relationship - Other people are not relevant and he should stop behaving as if they are.
He needs to decide if he wants to move forward with you; otherwise you
need to decide whether you're satisfied to be in a relationship with a
guy who is permanently fixated on the past.
3) I suspect he
judges you for having lost your virginity. If you had not done anything
with your exes, this would clearly not be an issue now. The fact that
he is still a virgin might reflect his expectations of his partners
[Some people have that "I'd rather have a new car than a used car"
mentality]. Whatever the case, he is being petty. Two previous partners
is not a big deal and he really needs to get some perspective. It is
not acceptable for him to promise that he will deal with his issues,
and then continue to bring them up frequently in the future. You
shouldn't feel the need to constantly justify yourself or validate your
history. Explaining it once openly and honestly should be sufficient.
If he cannot accept it then you both need to move on and find people
more compatible.
@KasumiCelesta@xanga - i agree; If they want you to share about your past then they should share about their past. If they wont, and cant except your past for what it is and tht you have changed and what not then it is time to break up, because you can probably find someone better..someone who will be able to let go of your past and not bring it up every few weeks...that is just kind of assholeish if you ask me
i would run. i don't like not knowing about my boyfriend's past, it seems like he got something to hide or something that he's embarassed by. and if my boyfriend judged me/bothered by my past so much, then imma let the relationship go. because as much as i would like to stay in that relationship, if he can't accept me, and my past, then forget it.
Tell him that information will only be given on a need-to-know basis because frankly, you could be asking him the same questions. If he doesn't give you anything or brush it off, just tell him that he has no right to ask you anything until he will answer your questions too. Remember to let him know that you are there for him but until he can come to terms with honesty; in other words, he's a hypocrite if he's shying away from his answers. If he finds that you being a virgin is not okay, then simply break up with him. Some guys are just retarded like that. In that case, we call them boys, not men.
he could be bothered by the fact that you're experienced than he is and your two other partners might have set the bar pretty high. He's more likely to be paranoid that IF and WHEN you guys fool around or even end up having sex, he's going to be thinking: "am I as good as the other guys?" or worried that you might compare him to others.
And to why he's not talking about his past.... maybe he hasn't done anything and he's ashamed at how inexperienced he is in that department. Guys often find the oddest things embarassing. O_oAnyways, don't tell him everything he wants to know. He's being a hypocrite so call him on it. If he insists that you share but he can continue be a mute about it then give him a taste of his own medicine; ignore his requests, and see how he likes it. If he's so insecure about the number of guys you've been with, although you don't care that he's a virgin, then he's still a little boy and his insecurity could easily overflow and corrupt other aspects of your relationship, not just sexually. good luck.
obviously it would be good to know, but you have to learn to respect the differences. clearly, if you truly love someone, you will look past their past, in other words, you will forgive them; but of course, there are important things we need to know and our partner needs to tell, e.g. whether the partner has any disease or not, you don't want to wake up one morning and find out you're infected.. but yeah, definitely see a doctor and find out..
and like what @pasaway4eva@xanga said, he might not even had a past; or just maybe, he isn't comfortable talking about his past. some people are like that, they might be afraid that if you know, you'll love them less... or maybe it's just a timing issue, if he shares with you later, there's a less chance you'll run away. but yeah, whatever his reasons may be, best to learn to respect the differences...
I think it's necessary to know about someone's past to truly understand who they have become.
i wouldnt even date this guy first of all rofl.