Friday, 05 June 2009
I’ve realized that settling is just a lame excuse. I always wondered which is better to have loved and lost, or never loved at all. And quite frankly, it depends.
If you lost because of death, then sure, I choose option one...even if it was short-lived, if it was true and free flowing, then yes, it was worth it. But if by lost you me, a breakup of sorts, then no...I choose not at all. And I guess other opinions may help me to see the other side(s) of this point of view, but I fail to see the good in lost love. Because I believe that love is a choice.
First there are the feelings (those are what kick you) but then the decision to allow them to prosper and grow and to be loving to someone - to put him or her before you, care for him or her and deem him/her important enough to sacrifice for your happiness; that is a lot of energy. I know because I’ve been there. And the brokenness that the loss creates once it has happened strips the purity of that love, which in turn, puts the heart on conditional love. The time it takes to recover from such a loss is tremendous, and life seems too short.
You spend five years of your life loving someone, pouring out your all into a decision that you made under the spell of emotion, all to find out that...you made a mistake. A five year long mistake. Now the year that it takes to get over him/her (only if it’s a clean break) turns that into six years of wasted time. And maybe the aforementioned statement was not just about love but the life experiences that one goes through when in this state of love. Either way...I’d much rather have only loved once. I have called on love before and made the choice before and I have lost miserably before. And just now am I really ready to start over. Clean slate, no baggage, free from all of my predispositions. But it took so long, with lots of prayer and crying and re-finding, and all of that before I could get here. And I wonder if that has more to do with my age than the love that I thought I experienced. Who knows?
But back to the title...
I suppose as a Christian woman I am supposed to wait on the man, but there is a problem I am having. I don't understand; am I to place my bid and see if he chooses my number? Or is it okay to see that I have given up the chance and it's cool that you’re not ready, so good luck to you and your endeavors and I hope that you find what you’re looking for? I feel like I was expected to just wait until he was ready. And now that he thinks he is ready I am supposed to just jump in the swing of things and go back. I am not too fond of this way.
I feel that if we aren’t on the same page, then we should just go back to reading our own books because our reading speeds are different and I really need someone who can keep up with me, or go back over pages with me. Does this make me selfish? I guess the thing is, I feel like you had your chance and you didn’t want me, now that you have had the time to go see other things you want to come back...or maybe you weren’t seeing other things but you took your time away, then decided that I might be something you want and so you are ready to just jump back into this thing... but I don’t want to be your second choice.
I want to be with someone who wants to be with me, someone who reads at my pace. I don’t want to slow down for you and I don’t want you to speed up for me or vice versa. I don’t mind the challenges that come along when a word that I don’t understand comes up and you have to explain it to me or a concept that we read comes up and you don’t agree but I do, those things I don’t mind. As long as we are at the same pace. But am I tripping...is it wrong to just walk away? I don’t know. But I gave him the chance and he didn’t want it so I peaced out, now he wants to come back and I’m not feeling it. I don’t think it means that I didn’t love him, but he just didn’t love me the way I wanted to be loved. So why should I just accept that?