Friday, 05 June 2009
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I Don't Want to Be Your Second Choice
I’ve realized that settling is just a lame excuse. I always wondered which is better to have loved and lost, or never loved at all. And quite frankly, it depends.
If you lost because of death, then sure, I choose option one...even if it was short-lived, if it was true and free flowing, then yes, it was worth it. But if by lost you me, a breakup of sorts, then no...I choose not at all. And I guess other opinions may help me to see the other side(s) of this point of view, but I fail to see the good in lost love. Because I believe that love is a choice.
First there are the feelings (those are what kick you) but then the decision to allow them to prosper and grow and to be loving to someone - to put him or her before you, care for him or her and deem him/her important enough to sacrifice for your happiness; that is a lot of energy. I know because I’ve been there. And the brokenness that the loss creates once it has happened strips the purity of that love, which in turn, puts the heart on conditional love. The time it takes to recover from such a loss is tremendous, and life seems too short.
You spend five years of your life loving someone, pouring out your all into a decision that you made under the spell of emotion, all to find out that...you made a mistake. A five year long mistake. Now the year that it takes to get over him/her (only if it’s a clean break) turns that into six years of wasted time. And maybe the aforementioned statement was not just about love but the life experiences that one goes through when in this state of love. Either way...I’d much rather have only loved once. I have called on love before and made the choice before and I have lost miserably before. And just now am I really ready to start over. Clean slate, no baggage, free from all of my predispositions. But it took so long, with lots of prayer and crying and re-finding, and all of that before I could get here. And I wonder if that has more to do with my age than the love that I thought I experienced. Who knows?But back to the title...
I suppose as a Christian woman I am supposed to wait on the man, but there is a problem I am having. I don't understand; am I to place my bid and see if he chooses my number? Or is it okay to see that I have given up the chance and it's cool that you’re not ready, so good luck to you and your endeavors and I hope that you find what you’re looking for? I feel like I was expected to just wait until he was ready. And now that he thinks he is ready I am supposed to just jump in the swing of things and go back. I am not too fond of this way.
I feel that if we aren’t on the same page, then we should just go back to reading our own books because our reading speeds are different and I really need someone who can keep up with me, or go back over pages with me. Does this make me selfish? I guess the thing is, I feel like you had your chance and you didn’t want me, now that you have had the time to go see other things you want to come back...or maybe you weren’t seeing other things but you took your time away, then decided that I might be something you want and so you are ready to just jump back into this thing... but I don’t want to be your second choice.
I want to be with someone who wants to be with me, someone who reads at my pace. I don’t want to slow down for you and I don’t want you to speed up for me or vice versa. I don’t mind the challenges that come along when a word that I don’t understand comes up and you have to explain it to me or a concept that we read comes up and you don’t agree but I do, those things I don’t mind. As long as we are at the same pace. But am I tripping...is it wrong to just walk away? I don’t know. But I gave him the chance and he didn’t want it so I peaced out, now he wants to come back and I’m not feeling it. I don’t think it means that I didn’t love him, but he just didn’t love me the way I wanted to be loved. So why should I just accept that?
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About the Author
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- From: CiaoBella810@xanga
- About Me: “The fact that I am a woman doesn’t make me a different kind of Christian; but the fact that I am a Christian makes me a different kind of woman.” --Elisabeth Elliot "Nature gives you your face at twenty. Life shapes your face at thirty. But the face you have at fifty is the face you have earned." In rare form I speak first and I speak loud. I am quite silly, goofy even. I pull my own cards. Learning to be blatenly honest with myself. I cant spell at all, im just horrible!
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Comments (23)
Screw him. There's always something better out there until you're content with what you have.
To bad my soulmate's current wife isn't as strong as you as far as knowing what is really right. he needs a kick in the balls really.
OH yeah, and PS. YOU SHOULDN'T! And BTW.... I have been in YOUR shoes too. ppl. love to think I am only the bad guy (girl) but truth is, I have been in your shoes too. It SUCKS! Took me awhile, but I got out. Never regretted that either. And for anyone who is feelin a little slow when reading this...I am talkin bout a different dude than I was last post
I'm glad you're strong enough to not fall back into old habits - which is all it would be at this point.
My definition of love has always worked for me in relationships, and I've never suffered a broken heart - even when my boyfriend of two years I swore I'd marry cheated on me with my supposed best friend - because of it: Love is unconditional. If conditions - whatever the may be, other than death - break up your relationship, it was never love in the first place. And the knowledge that there are other fish in the sea (and that I'm totally rad) helped too. :)
I really liked your last paragraph :)
I played second banana with a friend of mine romantically for 2 1/2 years and what a waste of time that was. Even now, on a platonic level, I'm playing second banana with him, and I'm sick of it. I'm convenient enough for him when he is miserably single or is absolutely bored and has nothing better to do. I don't have time for half-assed relationships that are convenient for him when he's miserably single or has nothing better to do. If this is how he wants to live, that's up to him, but I don't have time for half-assed friendships. I refuse to be second best romantically and I won't be second best to a relationship to the point where I'm completely forgotten except when it's convenient for him.
He isn't worth having if he's only interested in you because you're all he can get. My fiance didn't want to date me because he couldn't find anyone better. He wanted to date me because he actually felt that way and thought it could work out. The best decision I ever made was deciding to go out with him. I haven't looked back since, at least not in the sense that I regretted my decision.
i don't think anyone should settle for less than what they're deserved. why should we?
@cd867@xanga - interesting definition/view on it....
you have no idea how close to home this has hit.
Have you seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? After seeing that, I would rather love and have a bad breakup than never love at all.
exactly. so don't come back. sigh. i know how this felt. -__-
If love is the lesson, loss is usually required reading.
If you're not feeling it, don't go for it. You deserve better.
It's definitely good to want someone who is on the same page and reading at the same pace. And if you don't feel anything for this guy, it's not fair to go along with a relationship with him and pretend you do.
However, I think it's unrealistic to expect to only love once in your life. I don't see why it should be seen as "wasted time" if it doesn't work out. Wasted time from what? Maybe you needed that experience to help you understand what you want and don't want in a relationship.
And I don't think being a Christian means you have to wait around for the guy to make the move. Nothing wrong with letting someone know you are interested. Guys take a big risk when they decide to pursue a girl. Maybe it's time girls helped them out a bit and did their fair share.
DO NOT SETTLE. If you realize that you've made a 5 yr mistake, you need to step away from that and move on. I know it's easier said than done but I think for the both of you, but esp for yourself, it's the best decision. G'luck
So close to home. I kept hoping he would tell me he misses me, that he would share his joy of being in a relationship with everyone, but no. He said it's too awkward to "announce" it. Even after being together for 1/2 a year, he still can't get himself to hold my hand in public. To him, we're in a relationship only when he feels like it. It's a mood, not a status.
@oUNDERi@xanga - Are you sure about that? Some people can love fiercely but they are just not able to do public displays of affection and stuff like that. Ususally these kind of pople are on the shy side and they feel awkward very easily.
I am not saying you're wrong about your ideas of how he/she does or doesn't feel. Usually your gutt will tell you the truth. Just don't think that PDA willingness tells the whole story. I have also known a few people who really do love, but they just have commitment issues despite that depth of love. It's possible. Good luck
I have to say that I'm sort of in your guy's position. With my previous SO I felt that I needed to date other people to be sure about us (seeing as it was the only relationship I had ever been in), and it sucked to feel that way. We've been in love for a long time and to suddenly feel like you're settling and unsatisfied is a terrible feeling.
It may be that he sees you as his comfort zone and wants in, or it may be that he now thinks you're what he's always been looking for but wasn't ready for you yet. That being said, I think you should walk away. If you feel like you're the runner-up choice in his life and nothing he says can convince you otherwise, then don't go back. He says he settled for you in the past. Don't return the favor.
And if you're going to go back, then best of luck, but don't let your guard down too soon.
Well, the choice is all yours my dear
Sounds like maybe he didn't know what he had, til it went away. Oh well. Nobody likes being second choice. You deserve better, don't you?
this hits home for me. there was this guy with whom i fluctuated between being his second, and at one point third, choice. it was horrible; i always made myself available to him and it didn't matter unless he was bored or hurting from his first choice. he knew i cared about him, but i guess he didn't care enough to spare my feelings, even though he was technically going through the same thing. now, months later, i'm doing fine and a lot of his closest friends, including the people i was playing second fiddle to, have severed ties with him. karma? i believe so. point being, don't wait. he'll get what he deserves, and so will you, although yours will undoubtedly be much better :)
I love the analogy you used... and it's really nice to know that there's someone else out there who feels the same way I do. I've been trying to reason with myself in my head, and my heart- but I really needed to hear it from someone else, who understood. Thank you for your post. I wish you the best <3
I love you! you understand. Reading this has made me happy for the simple reason of someone else understanding. Thank you, thank you so much!