Friday, 05 June 2009
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My Friends All Say He's Not Worth It
In my last post here at Datingish, I mentioned my problems regarding my long-term boyfriend of 4 years. Trust is still a big issue in our relationship. At first, I thought I could still handle his nonsense jealousy over my exes, my officemates and even my guy friends! I must say that I'm already at the edge of jumping off a cliff. My boyfriend has been extremely paranoid of my past even though he's the one who has cheated on me several times, not to mention lying about certain things for the sake of doing his thing. All of my friends say the same thing about him: that I should dump him 'cause he's not worth it. The problem is, I can't seem to do it. Yeah, I do love him...a lot. My mind says to let go, but my heart says NO. What should I do? I'm in a complete dilemma.
Even at work, I get too preoccupied with our quarrels. There would come a time that I would even get worried when my supervisor pairs me up with a guy officemate for a buddy-up system. I cringe 'cause my boyfriend calls me on my cell even if I'm at work, and he tends to listen to anything suspicious about my workmate who might try to "make a move" on me, even if I try to convince him that there should be nothing to worry about. Or even when I'm having lunch with friends, he calls to check out who I am with or who I eat with. Same with the way I dress - not that I dress up in some questionable outfit. I tell you, I like "poshy" outfits. He tends to criticize every inch of it, even how high my heels should be. That is why I can't afford to be so naive with the way I dress, the way I talk and even how I deal with my own life.
And to be honest, I don't know what to do anymore! My mind is battling with my heart. I love my boyfriend so much; it's just that he can't seem to trust me. And the only reason I lied to him in the past was because I don't want to argue with him anymore because I know he wouldn't understand me. I was afraid that he would just judge me again. I lied about having my ex's picture on my cell phone (I told him that he was my cousin) but the reason why I didn't tell him the truth is that I was scared that he might get angry at me. It's not that I still have feelings for my ex; I just forgot to delete it from my phone - that's it! I was supposed to delete that photo a long time ago, but to be honest, I just forgot!
Even on my emails, he was able to find out my other email accounts, which I intended to use for my Friendster accounts and other social networking accounts, but not to flirt with some guy! 'Cause that's what he believes. He keeps on bringing up the fact that I lied to him before; that's why he couldn't trust me anymore and he thinks that I might be cheating on him already. But the bottom line is, I never cheated on him! Like I've said before, I never crossed any line or any boundary.
He doesn't want to be questioned about his past mistakes, but he's fond of interrogating me about my past and just put the blame on me. Isn't that so unfair?
All I want is for both of us to start anew. Clean slate. I forgive him and he should forgive me as well, right? How can we go on with our relationship if he can't seem to move on with the past? I need major help here...
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- From: poshymeg
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 2804 Comments: 0 70 View all posts by poshymeg
Comments (70)
If you have time to write all this, you definitely have time to drop him.
You need to give him an ultimatum, either he learns to trust you and stop putting you on a leash or you leave him. People who have those symptoms, questioning and whatnot... esp considering his history tend to be the ones cheating, its like guilt and projection. Either way, he needs to stop you will get premature grey hairs and wrinkles from the worrying. Then your wedding pictures won't look as pretty and we don't want that, so he needs to choose what he believes and needs to decide if you are worth changing his ways for or not.
It's must be hard for you especially knowing that he has done some wrong in your relationship, but you haven't. Putting you through all this stress ... it is difficult, and I would say that it's not worth it. If he's constantly questioning you and always wondering where you are ... :/
I think your boyfriend is scared of losing you and he's constantly accusing you because he wants to protect himself. If you do choose to leave him one day, he can be quick to jump back, if you get what I mean. He's not completely letting his guard down, which is totally stupid because he was the one who cheated on you.
Talk to him and tell him what you're going through. Maybe he doesn't think you love him anymore because of what he did. Nonetheless, if he continues to get jealous, take a break. Or end the relationship, no matter how difficult it may be.
@naguyin@xanga - agreed
this izza perfekt xampul of why wun night standz ar preferabul to long term relayshunships
leave him!
What someone on here already said. You need to tell him exactly how you
feel about all of this and give him two options. He tries to get over
it or you leave him.
Sounds like he makes you miserable but you're still holding on to the feelings you had when he wasn't like this. How does he make you feel now? Do you like the way he makes you feel right now? Find your answer in these questions.
dump his ass. he sounds like a major control freak for no apparent reason. so you told him a few lies... so what?! he should be man enough to forgive you... and you even said he cheated on you before... right?! I think this guy is bringing up your mistakes so that he can cover his... this guy seems like he's bad news. If it were me I would have left him awhile ago... but idk for sure I'm not in your situation. Maybe you two just need to really talk to each other and work things out that's all the advice I can give... he needs to back off on you just a little bit and he should be able to try and earn your "trust" back since that's something that he's obsessing over lol. I don't think I would give up just yet since you two have been together for four years and you really love him... but from reading this he kind of seems like a loser. But good luck to you seriously hope things work out for the best.
Not to sound harsh, but stop being so dumb.
You've already pointed out that practically everyone and their mother is telling you to dump the douchebag. So for goodness' sake, do it already! Sometimes you have to go against your heart and choose logic over emotion. You've done your part by forgiving him, but he doesn't seem willing to meet you halfway. You need to teach him that, in a relationship, there's this thing called 'compromise'...tell him that, and if he doesn't want to change, dump him. Easier said than done, I know, but writing posts on Datingish for everyone to tell you the obvious is a waste of time when you already know in your mind what to do.
You talk about wanting a clean slate, well your best option is to break up with this guy. You're in a destructive relationship.
But no amount of advice is going to help you. You need to figure this out for yourself.
He's being hypocritical. He's becoming controlling and paranoid. You should leave now. He's becoming more clingy by the minute. Heck, you forgave his dumbass. He should let you do whatever the hell you want [not to say cheating back is the right thing to do]. He's being extremely irrational and rude and the list goes on.
You WILL find someone better.
Say goodbye or your heart won't heal. [eat chocolate too!!! xP]
I was in your exact place 3 years ago. Guy I loved like crazy, super long-term relationship, no trust, friends hated him. I was an idiot and it took me wayyy too long to finally get it. Please learn from my mistakes!
1) The clean slate will never happen, no matter how much you want it to. You can't just wake up one day and magically, your shitty relationship will be all better.
2) The guy has self-esteem issues. There is nothing you can do to make these issues go away. His only chance for fixing them is finding someone new who doesn't bring out this kind of jealousy in him. That means that as long as you're with him, he will only drag you down and make you feel terrible for nothing.
3) Your friends can see things as an outsider more clearly than you can. Do you honestly think that they are all wrong about him? They're not. If they're all telling you he's not worth it, they're right.
Bottom line is that you need to run away and never look back. I don't care if he's great the rest of the time. I don't care if you think he's your soul mate. He is not great, and he is not your soul mate. No one deserves to feel like that in a relationship EVER. Your boyfriend is supposed to be your escape from stress, not a cause of it. Trust me, I learned all of this the hard way, and if I'd just listened to my friends, I could have saved myself a lot of trouble and heartbreak. Get out now before it gets worse...because it WILL only get worse.
Ask yourself if he's really worth all the heartaches and the buckets of tears u cried due to him. If its not then do somethin bout it. Its never easy to synchronize how ur heart feels n wht your head tells you to do , but u jst gotta pick one if u love yourself enough. i hope things work out for you , poshymeg
Look at what you've said. Now, kind of separate yourself from it. Pretend that one of your best female friends told you that this was happening to her. Now, what would you say? Would you think it'd be a good idea for her to stay with him, or would you think she was being a dumbass?
You love who he was before this. So far he hasn't changed, so expecting or hoping for him to be like he used to be is pointless. Tell him how you feel, point all of this crap out to him, give him one more chance and only one to change. If he doesn't, leave.
If you stay with him, he's only going to get worse.
I feel like you do love part of him - the part that was in the past. Your mind is clearly telling you this is a dangerous zone, and sometimes, the head knows best. If you can successfully talk to him about this and begin the healing process, I'll be happy for you =]. Otherwise, he's wasting your time by distrusting you, and you're wasting his by putting up with it. I hope everything works out. Good luck!
you don't love him...you love the man you fell in love with in the beginning. now you're just safe with him, secure with him. he's familiar and that's what you love. the security.
trust me. i've been there. maybe not with a boyfriend, but with friends. i thought my best friends were the ones that treated me like dirt, the ones that told me that i was stupid and i was always wrong and i could do nothing right, and who would get jealous of me making a new friend. it's security...you're happy with familiarity.
I see on here from all of these posts, Lots of advice about what you should do. Advice to dump him advice to give him an ultimatum and such. Let me interject this one thought if I might be so bold. You love him, It is tearing you apart but you do. He is obviously being eaten alive by his own insecurities and guilt over past actions. It sounds like you really only have a few options and as I don't know the whole story I will list just some obvious ones here. You posted this information to either seek advice or cry victim. Either way you still have love in your heart and he may be blind to what he is doing to you. Sometimes even the 2x4 approach does not work in these situations.
The advice that I can give is this:
You still love him, Forgive his past mistakes but set an ultimatum that the two of you get counseling to fix these issues in your relationship. You need to talk about unacceptable behaviors, the insecurities, and lack of trust he has based on that. You will need a mediator to accomplish this with any level of real success. Do not lie during the counseling sessions to appease him as it does not help either of you if the mediator does not know the truth. Learn to forgive and understand that their is obviously some kind of underlying issue here. Read my blog about "times of turmoil and trouble" to really get a handle on the kind of work this will take. It is a real heavy commitment to fix but in the long run if you both truly love each other it will be worth it.
Once you give an ultimatum though your relationship has a shelf life. He either reacts in a reasonable time frame or you get away from him. Accept nothing less than actually getting help with this behavior.
If you don't think he truly loves you or you don't truly love him then run, run now, run fast, and run hard. Get away from this guy before he crosses any line you cannot live with.
That is the best advice I can give and if it is not what you wanted I'm sorry but it is how I see it.
Love is blind.
Let him go, there's nothing you can do about it. Considering that fact that his actions aren't trusting you anymore. I'm sure you'll find a better one.
Are you crazy or just looking for pity? You know what to do, gather the strength and resilience and do it. This is not a maybe situation and you're enabling his behavior by letting him treat you this way.
I was once in the same situation. I couldn't see it at the time, but all my friends said he sounded like a real jerk, and it doesn't matter that I was with him for three years, and that I should dump him and find the happiness I deserve, with another person.
You're thinking too much. There's a certain point where you have to stop worrying about the feelings. OF COURSE you're going to feel, you've been there for four years!
Think logically. Think smart. Place WORTH on yourself. He's checking in on you, and since you feel bad, he's dictating YOUR LIFE.You may think you can do what you want, but DO YOU?You already tried the clean slate thing, if I remember correctly from your last reading.It's going to hurt a hell of a lot, but that's the only way you're gonna feel any better.
It's not an iffy situation. He's ruining your life.
Sounds like he's still cheating on you ... or thinking about it. Sometimes when people are that suspicious of their SO it's because they have thoughts of cheating themselves and then project those feelings on to the SO. I'm not sure why. Maybe to distract from their own infidelity? Or maybe because they genuinely believe that their SO thinks like they do? I dunno.
That's what my ex did to me anyway. Seriously, dump this loser. If he can't even leave you alone at work he has some serious issues. I don't how you put up with it.