Wednesday, 03 June 2009
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I Want to Leave...On The Other Hand, I Don't.
So... I have dated my boyfriend for almost four years now. And I still remain a loyal girlfriend all these years. I had a couple boyfriends before him but no one made me as happy as he could. Without noticing it, I fell in love...very deeply. And for the first year of our relationship, I thanked God every single day for having him in my life. He was my best friend; I thought I was the luckiest and happiest girl in the world.
Then about three years ago, he cheated on me. He was often making excuses for not being able to see me. He told me that joining our college football team was really tough and he had to work extra hard to be on the team. Maybe I was just really dumb, but I completely believed him. It wasn't until one day when he told me that he was sick so he couldn't hang out. So I decided to go visit him and take care of him.
I rang the doorbell once... no answer. Twice... no answer. Three, four, five... still no answer. Then this girl who had been a friend of his family fora few years got the door. I felt very awkward but I still managed to ask her where my boyfriend was. And suddenly there he was... standing right next to her. We looked at each other silently then I knew what was going on. I grabbed his spare house key and car key (given by his parents) from my purse and put them in his palm.
And I walked away.
I kept on walking and walking. I stayed calm until I could see his house disappeared from my sight. Although it was only a block away, I felt like I just walked the great wall of China. And I broke down. Tears kept on pouring down my cheeks. Although I knew I could see and hear everything, I was blind and deaf at the same time. My heart died that day.
For months, I tried to stay very strong on the outside so my family wouldn't notice anything. I would stare at a tree, a mountain, the ocean or stuff my head in the pillow for the longest time and yelled "I love you" until I ran out of breath. I didn't want to break down in front of anyone. But each night, I would fall asleep with tears on my face and cell phone in my hand. I would tell my family that I ate when I had eaten nothing all day. I walked around on campus with a smile yet my heart was screaming for help.
I was such a naive girl. I never knew how betrayal could hurt someone so badly... And I guess that's why I almost hit rock bottom. I didn't know how to handle that feeling. Yet, I still loved him. I stayed by his side as his friend. I watched him as he skipped school, skipped football practice, and almost dropped out of college. I couldn't and wouldn't let him give up. I continued to support him, did everything I could to get his consciousness back while I threw away my own.
His family hated the girl (I swear I never said a word even though I hated her as well), and together, we applied to all the well known colleges for him to transfer to. His family even flew him out of the country to meet me (over the winter break) just to get him away from her. I knew the girl did everything she could to make him stay with her, including faking pregnancy, making up fake boyfriends to get him jealous... she even fainted right in front of him for many hours. He left.
And even though I still don't regret it, I guess the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life is to let him back into my life. When the trust is gone, so is my tolerance and patience. I went from being a girl who never complained about anything to basically being a bitch. For example, if he says or does something mean to me, now I always fight back. I got a lot tougher because I didn't want - and still don't want - to get hurt.
It's been almost three years since that incident, but my heart is still in a lot of pain. We've worked hard to stay together. We've traveled to many places together across the world and remain supportive in many decisions we made. Even though he and I are living pretty far apart because we're attending different colleges, we've still managed to keep this relationship. We always do whatever we can to stay together whenever we get to see each other. And I can tell that he is still trying hard to prove to me that he loves me with all his heart during these three years. Everyone, including his family, has told me that he has changed a lot because of me. Because he's about to graduate soon, his mom asked me to please remain supportive so he continue to become a better person.
He makes me laugh. He makes me cry... makes me upset, but also makes me happy. I have never stopped loving him. And I have never stopped supporting him. But my heart is still in a lot of pain. I want to leave him, but on the other hand, I don't. We've worked so hard to stay together, but I still don't know how to put my broken heart back together. My sister hates his guts, but she told me that if I have decided to forgive him long time ago, then I should let go and never bring up the past again. Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone is bound to get hurt.
I know I am stupid. And I know that I'm a confused person. But I just don't know how to heal this broken heart. I want to leave, but on the other hand, I don't. I don't know what to do...
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Comments (283)
That sounds really tough. :( I'm sorry you had to go through all that. And to take him back ...?
Reading what happened, I can feel the sadness and heartbreak you have felt. But I honestly don't know what to say. I don't think you should continue dating him because you don't want to hurt him or hurt his family. Screw that. He hurt you. And he hurt you so badly that he doesn't deserve your love (but you gave it to him and he should be grateful).
You mentioned that you have a broken heart. From him cheating/hurting you? If you do, then I suggest you stop dating him. It's only going to hurt even more. You're always going to be defensive against him and argue rather than trust him. :/ And I don't think he has earned back your trust just yet. Take some time away from him and just try to start fresh or make some new, happier memories. It's not going to be easy, but hopefully it will mend your heart. And, find somebody you can talk to. For some reason, boys can do so much damage to a girl's heart, but they can make a girl so happy, too.
His mom wants you to remain in a relationship with him so he can continue to become a better person. So without you, he will become "bad"? I don't know, but you shouldn't stay with him because everybody wants you to. You should because you want to. Listen to what your heart is trying to tell you. And pray. I'm quite religious, and when I get upset, I have these really intense prayers with God, where I just yell and breakdown and afterwards, I feel a lot better. But that's just me.
I hope things get better. And I hope your heart becomes mended. <3
It sounds like there are more negatives than positives in this relationship. You can't have a relationship if there isn't trust. Either he gains your trust back, or you get rid of him. If you can't ever trust him again, it might be time to let him go.
i know it's hard, but i think you have to leave. and that period before when you were "the girl who never complained about anything"? that was not healthy. how many times does he say or do something "mean" to you that you have to "fight back" over? that phrasing bothers me because it sounds not like normal couple fights but like he's an ass.
i understand that four years of your life is a long time to think of having wasted, but you're going to have to get over that. swallow your pride, admit your mistake, and dump him. you should never settle for being with someone (which you clearly are, or else you wouldn't be thinking about how you want to leave him). real love isn't like this. real love makes you grateful that this person loves you. pretend love makes you wonder if you want to leave all the time but usually finds just enough reasons for you to stay. believe me, i've been in both of those kinds of situations. if it was real love, you wouldn't feel this way. relationships take work, but they only feel like a job when they're wrong. why stay in a relationship that doesn't add something wonderful to your life?
also- that business about you staying so he becomes a better person? complete bull. it's not your job to make him a big boy.
:)
I have nothing to say..I'm speechless...
You're not stupid--we all make mistakes. Whatever decisions you have made in the past are already made--you can't go back and change them. But you CAN learn from what has happened and focus on where to go from here.
In my opinion, if you don't trust him and if he doesn't make you happy (most of the time) then he's not the one for you. No matter how badly you might want him to be. No matter how much his mom wants him to be the one for you. It isn't your job to make him a better person--it isn't your job to change him, period.
The bottom line (in my opinion) is: people show you who they are. And you have to believe them.
This really struck me.
The discription of when you were walking away from his place is perfect- I can feel it. It's beautiful and scary.
I don't have any real advice that has not already been said. Good luck.
Um, honey, I think it is best if the both of you just be friends, if you could. Please understand its not me. It's both of you.
If he still haven't made you trust him after 3 years, there's not much you can do. Yes it hurts and hurts more when you've realized you put 4 years into this relationship. You may not realize it but there is someone out there who won't hurt you emotionally nor physically. Go find him and be happy again!
There is very little you can do here.
My ex and I had priorly split up for a while before our final break up. When we got back together, he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend not even a week later. This was a girl who had always caused us problems and who had tried to steal him away many, many times. He would defend her, and I would always feel betrayed that he could not see and thought I was just being the jealous, paranoid girlfriend.
Although we stayed together after he cheated, him cheating ended up being one of the final factors in our actual break up. I simply could not trust him anymore.
It is sad that it has to be like that, but there are other people out there.
The burden will eventually lift from your shoulders if you leave, but you have to decide what is best for you and not for anyone else.
Once you start living for yourself, you'll feel better. Remember that you do not have to have a man in your life to be happy. Remember that a man does not complete you, but that you and, if you are of faith, God completes you. You will pull through.
Three years later, this memory still hurts you enough to make question your relationship. That alone might be your answer.
If you can't trust him... you shouldn't be with him.
That was so sad..
The thing is, I know that when people do bad things in relationships, the person who is the victim needs to decide if they can completely forgive their partner. You can't be with him if you don't think you can ever stop thinking about what happened; you have to be able to not even bring it up again. Otherwise, things like this are never going to stop ruining the relationship.
If you think you can stop feeling pain when you think about it because you think he's different now, that's not good enough. If you think you can not bring up this incident with him ever again, that might be good enough. Your call but...from what I read, it's pointless to go on.
That's not something we can answer for you.. although a lot of people have given some great insights. I'm going to have to echo @a_single_raindrop@xanga -- you literally took the words out of my mouth! I can definitely still sense the heartache & sadness you've gone through & are still going through. I wouldn't have stayed if I were you but that's just me. The answer is ultimately up to you [& God if you're religious.]
My sister went through a similar situation a while back.. The boy kissed another girl & admitted to liking her but liking his girlfriend more. Needless to say, my sister was heartbroken & drama ensued.. You can read on my blog for the entire story. Three years later, they're still together. It took a lot for my sister to forgive & forget but she's there. I don't think she's as heartbroken as you so I guess that's why she's able to stay with him now without getting upset.. But yea, to stay, you need to forgive & forget. Your sister is right about that. However, I wouldn't put up with any form of cheating & despite them still being together, I hate his guts & I can see where your sister is coming from. I dunno if I'll ever get over it especially as they seem really in love & will probably marry but I think that's low & something I don't think I could live with.
& that whole comment from the mom about how you should stay a little longer & support him is a guilt trip. Don't let that be the only reason holding you back. You shouldn't stay in a relationship out of guilt or pity. That's not true love.
It sounds like hes the only one benefiting from the relationship. Its meant to be a two way thing, you should be getting
something from it to and you should be happy to be with him not miserable.
If you feel like you want to leave him now, that's not going to change anytime soon. Its sounds like its a been quite a while and if you're still feeling this way..its just not going to go away. Maybe you need some time without him to realize that you can get over what happened or maybe you will find that you don't need him at all. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. It wasn't that there was something wrong with the relationship but we both knew we weren't going to be 100% satisfied and were never going to get married so the relationship needed to end. Maybe its the same for you? After a certain point if there is no clear future or any progress that is going to be made in the relationship that you just need to find someone else. It sounds like things could be a lot better. Unless you get totally over what happened your doubts will only increase and will just end up wasting more time with him.
sounds like you're in love with him. If so, you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you leave him now. If you meet someone who can make you forget about him, then that's another story.
i know that he hurt you in the past, but if he really is trying to prove himself to you, try to open up your heart to him. like really open up. i know everyone will disagree. but how else would you know if it was meant to be or not? a part of you still love him, and you know that. if you let him go, you will hurt too. so just really try to trust him again. like really really try. i know it's hard after what he did... your sister is right, to forgive is just to let it go and never bring itup again. you sound like you really really love him. don't let go of something you really love, or else you'll regret it...
You are a very strong person. You are very brave for taking him back when he didnt deserve it. At least he isn't talking to that girl anymore. Anywho... To heal a broken heart...eat chocolate [seriously] and let time go by. There isn't an instant way to heal things, just let time go by. It will hurt, but it's a slow process you'll have to go through. Good luck.
Even though you love him, you dont have to forgive him for what he did. You don't have to forget about it either. It's not ignoring the incident, but like...try not to think about it. I'm sorry...I'm flip flopping. I can't really explain it >< I guess in other words, you don't have to forgive him for that inciden. I know I just said that, but if youu really love him and he really loves you..hopefully you can get past it...but not forget it. I hope that's not confusing ><
No offense, but it probably was a stupid thing to let him back in. But if he does change and blocks her out, then things will be okay. Thing wont be perfect or 100% happy...but somehow get past it.
i have a no cheating policy for all my relationships, i just dont deal with it because what if he does it again? your story makes me sad because i have never felt that before, but i totally feel for you. i guess if you want to leave then you have every reason to leave but that decision has be to be yours.
You're not stupid. You seem to have handled everything up to now very maturely. It's natural for you to still feel hurt after some time, but it's been three years. After such a long period of time, you HAVE to either let your frustration go, or let him go. Those are the only two choices you have if you want a healthy relationship with him.
why does your story sounds so much like mine except my bf cheating on me about 3 weeks ago... I love him so much and I want to stay with him but sometimes I just want to leave it all behind... I worked so hard to keep things together and now I don't see why I worked so hard when all I ended up with is a broken heart. Now he tries to talk about marrying me... and I just don't know if I can... I told him this but I don't think he knows how much he has hurt me...Good luck to the both of us to figure it out...
you shouldnt have to change yourself for anybody....
Thats very touching .. and sad =\
This made me cry.
I might not know exactly what you've been going through, but in a way, I know where you're coming from. I was very betrayed by my boyfriend about a year ago and I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. One of my first blogs was about how, if I had any sense or guts, I would have left him when he hurt me. But here we are a year later and it still hurts...do you feel like you're allowing yourself to hold on to it?
Sometimes I wish I could break up with him so that I would be able to mourn the relationship, and move on...baggage and all. The hurt will still be there but it will be a different kind of hurt...the kind that helps you in the end.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
It hurts because it happened, and it's still there. The fact is, everyone falls but we will stand up again. I can't tell if you should trust this person, but you need to learn to trust again. You can never live with a person you can't trust.