Wednesday, 03 June 2009
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Can the Word 'NO' Even Register in the Male Mind?
All right, Xanga guys (and girls, if you have an experience with this) - here’s the deal:I have a lot of guy friends, and I always have. I love them all to death in the same way I love my girl friends - platonically. Nonetheless, it is very easy to become attracted to all these guys, at some times.
And I’m realizing that the same principle works in reverse.
One particular friend, one of my best friends who I see as nothing more than a friend, has been admitting his affections for me starting my freshman year in high school. Let’s call him Joe.
So I turned Joe down then, and I continue to turn him down now. He flirts with me to no avail, compliments me often, becomes furious when I date someone else, and *shakes head angrily* will often try to feel me up. I’ve known him for around 8 years, and we understand each other extremely well.
Only a day or two ago, Joe told me that he’s always loved me, and still does.
How, how on EARTH, am I supposed to respond to that when I know we’re talking about two different kinds of love? I gave him the honest truth, feeling awful the entire time.
...b ut what was he expecting?
Why do some men, like Joe, tend to be so persistent?
I, quite honestly, cannot comprehend what was going through his head – as much as I know about him. Personally, if I knew the object of my affection wasn’t interested, I wouldn’t even try - I would feel embarrassed and foolish to do so, on top of rude for putting the other person in such an awkward situation. You shouldn't have to 'win' someone over - it should be mutual. And as much as I wished this problem would go away, it isn’t – and I worry about risking the massive amount of time we’ve been friends for.
Insight into the male mind, please and thank you?
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- From: LiquidityOfSelf@xanga
- About Me: hail the chorus: we're all hundred-year-old houses, swinging on our broken hinges
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Comments (48)
No!
Who tries to feel up their friends? He definitely cares more about himself than he cares about you.
I'm not a male, but...I thought, by the title of this post, that it was going to be about understanding what NO means as far as sex goes. For situations like yours, it sucks no matter what side you're on, because one person gets hurt and the other feels crappy for hurting them. But usually it's the girl pining after the guy, telling him she loves him and him wanting nothing to do with her...alwell. Sometimes love just sucks.
So what is this "no" you speak of? I'm confused :P.
right, this only happens with guys, but girls ALWAYS understand the word "no."
I am a guy, but I do understand the meaning of no. Once a girl lets me know that there is nothing, I stop. Although, I do know some guys who keep pushing. It's probably the idea that it's a challenge that they will always try to conquer. And, like @Theophilus166@xanga said, he's only thinking about himself, which is probably the bigger picture in why you asked the question.
//Why do some men, like Joe, tend to be so persistent?//
For the same reason some women tend to be so persistent (And so damn annoying in the process).
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - haha. Touche. A girl has never been persistent with me, so I wouldn't really know, but I'm sure there's foul play on both sides.
I once asked this guy friend of mine who kept pursuing this girl after he'd been shot down so many times "why? Doesn't it bruise your ego?"
He said something along the lines of knowing that he's right for her and wanting her to see it from his perspective and only when she flat out says no and slaps him in the face (or something that drastic) would he stop. Because she never really gave him a reason why, he kept on pursuing her, thinking that maybe she liked him ... a little bit.
Girls are the same way.
There's a girl who's in love with me and she won't take my no for an answer. She's accepted it, but she won't let go of her hope to date me, despite the fact I'm with my boyfriend of two years and four months.
D: GIRLS.
well i mean it goes both ways too. sometimes even if we were told no, that 0.01% of you ended up liking us keeps us going. and i guess it's hard for him to get rid of the feeling =T. better to hurt him now then just to keep it going.
I hate that crap. I hate it more when they become obsessive.
Because he thinks that if he is nice enough for long enough all the sudden it will turn out like TV or the movies and you will just fall into bed with him one night, he will then confess his unending love for you, as he already has, and all will be well.
Yes absurd. All in all he might say he loves you but without actually being with you in the boyfriend role he does not even know how it would turn out. Plus he is selfish and thinks that you are the perfect person for him, he might say he is the perfect person for you, and he might be a great guy if you did give him the chance; however if you are not attracted to him than he clearly is not the right guy.
You are probably pretty, notice most people do not ever think they are the perfect person for some ugly person. He just does not understand the difference between infatuation and love. People like this guy have normally never had a girlfriend because they have been so caught up on one person for so long, it becomes easier to long for the unrequited love than to go find someone who would be better suited for them.
I know a few friends like this, it seems they gravitate towards rejection really, It becomes a part of who they are to want people who are clearly not interested.
As people noted girls do this too and it is the same type of thing.
This applies more with sex. Typical conversation goes like,
"Do you want to?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"Pleaseeee?"
"Noooo."
"So that's a yes, right?"
"No."
"Alright, let's go!"
My ex did that. Loser.
It's the gray area that gets people confused, I think. You did say no, but apparently, that doesn't necessarily mean you won't say yes in the future. Staying friends with him gives the guy hope, and he doesn't seem to want to let go of that. Maybe a talk with him will help, but I don't think talks usually don't work with guys like that. Still, it's worth a shot, and if that doesn't work, you might just have to let time run its course. He can't follow you forever. Good luck!
@TruthNeverTold@xanga - hahahahahaha awesome ex!
anyway, persistence in movies is called romance. go figure.
I don't think it's fair to clump all males together and say that 'no' doesn't register in their minds. Joe just happens to be very... in love. Or in like.
Oh I have been there before... in more ways than one.
Hopefully now that you have told him the truth he will eff off. He has no right to get angry at you for dating other people. That is so stupidly annoying.
you dont understand because you obviously have never felt for someone the way he feels for you. when you find that person. the one who you feel you were meant to be with and dont ever wanna be without. you'll know then what hes going through.
@walkintotheseaaa@xanga - Loll oh the pitfalls of bisexuality.
I think part of the reason guys are so creepy and persistent sometimes is because it's more socially acceptable. If a girl goes around being desperate, people think she's just...desperate and empty because she needs a man to define herself. If a guy goes around hitting on tons of girls...well...that's just what guys do and if he looks like a total creep, he might get a few unkind words, but if he's not too bad looking, he's just bein' a guy
I will never approach a guy or show interest in him because I just feel like I have too much pride I could lose, but I still get the attention of some cuties plus random sleazeballs. If a guy had that same mentality, unless he was drop dead gorgeous, he'd never get to bumping uglies.
I guess maybe you should feel lucky you haven't met the worst of the guys yet.
A girl I knew in high school used to have a guy literally sit on the ground behind her all during lunch, waiting for chances to talk to her when she'd turn around (because she'd be surrounded by friends on seats on either side).
because the human heart only wants what they can't have and they'll keep trying until they get what they want.
It isn't the "male mind" you're speaking of, my dear. It's the possessive mind. Women can be just as faulty and pushy in their own rights and can do practically the same thing. In fact, I have a few guy friends that have one mutual friend (girl) that keeps pushing all of them to date her. She gets jealous something awful when they find girls to go on dates with...that aren't her.
Give guys a little more credit than this. Please.
Sounds to me that this guy can't get his hands off of you not because he loves you, but because he "can't live without you". There's a difference.
If you love someone, you can typically "live without them". You just choose not to. If you want someone (note I don't mean "lust" here. I mean "MINE" sort of thoughts), then you can't live without them.
You have to set rules, boundaries, and limitations (sweet jesus, I just sounded like Caesar Millan!). Don't let him get away with things you don't like. Don't just laugh off the groping. Don't try to save his feelings anymore. He should know what is appropriate and what isn't by now, if he's known you 8 years. Be consistant with your boundaries. Don't let him get away with it one day because you don't feel like putting up a fight.
Your personal space is always, let me repeat ALWAYS fight-worthy.
This person needs to be put in their place. Clingtasticity (yeah, I just made that up. What now?!) shouldn't be permitted.
i think no makes them stronger
@nexthorizon@xanga - "Loll oh the pitfalls of bisexuality."
Hahahahahaha, story of my life.
I love women, but... this one is kind of freaking me out.
cuz he's a loser