So, I've been dating someone new (who, yes, I met online) and he and I are moving rather quickly. He has a troubled past, but he's learned from his mistakes and I think that's the most important thing. So, anyway, we had the talk about how many people we've had sex with.
I lost my virginity at eighteen and have had sex with seven people. I consider that a rather above average number, and I think that, even for a girl, maybe a bit high. When I asked what his was, he said thirty-seven. He was raped when he was younger and it's said that you go one of two ways after something like that; you either become really promiscuous or you choose abstinence. He chose promiscuity. At first, I thought, "Well, I'm just another notch on his belt". I'm not gonna lie, I was upset. I thought we had a special connection and I felt like we didn't.
So, I told him that I needed time to process it. Now, by this time I already know that he has a son who's two and a half years old. I've not met him, but I hear he's a great kid. Yesterday I decided that he and I would be okay. I just always needed protection and we're both going to get tested.
Granted, we have had sex! He told me after we had sex what his number was.
So, I have two questions. One, should I be upset with all the girls he's slept with? Two, should I be upset he told me the number after we had sex?
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I commented on this when it was posted on the user's site, but I'll say it again. He should've told you his number before you had sex. I wouldn't trust a guy with a number quite that high. It's very possible that he's got an STI with that kind of number.
Wow...37 is high but I personally know someone who's even more promiscuous. Anyway, that conversation should've been had before you guys slept together. You should go get tested.
It shouldn't upset you that he's slept with other girls, that's like being jealous of your SO's exes.
Lets say you guys do fall in love and get married and all that jazz. Does that mean you guys having sex is still not special?
The only problem that I see is that he should have told you his number beforehand. His number is pretty high and he should make it a point to tell girls his number before he sleeps with them, at least for health reasons.
And no, to the first commenter, you do NOT have to have an STI just because you have a high number.
Also, your boyfriend is wrong, just because you are raped/molested doesn't mean you only have two extreme paths. There are people out there who lead normal lives after such an attack. His answer makes me think he's just using the sexual abuse as an excuse for his lack of willpower and from what you say it sounds like he's definitely cashing in.
You should have asked him BEFORE you slept with him. And 37 people? RUN. Run far, far away. It just sounds like a mess, and I've been in the situation where you think someone's "different now"..magically, just after you showing up in their lives. Guess what? They're not. People can change but 37 freaking girls? Whatever you decide to do, it's lousy to make him feel guilty and shamed for his number though. Either decide to be totally cool with it, or leave.
i can't tell you whether or not you should be upset about his actual number, but you definitely can't be upset that he didn't tell you. if you wanted to know, you should have asked BEFORE. anyhoo, 37's a big number, but unlike all these people commenting before me, it doesn't necessarily mean anything.
wow 37, that would be kind of surprising to me. If you think you guys are okay and that things are going to work, don't be upset about it. It's in the past, and it's over. Now you just need to focus on the present. (well.... unless he hasn't changed)
37 people. 1 person. In the end, he had sex, period. I know 37 is definitely a lot higher than some people would have in a lifetime, but it's still sex. It just makes him a lot more capable of having attracted a STD.
My friend was in a situation like this.It's hard to find celibate guys these days.
He wanted to date my other friend, but when he found out her number, he totally flipped. She was at 31 while he was only at 5.
First he got over it because he likes her a lot, then he didn't and then he keeps changing his mind.
He doesn't even know half the story that she had contracted a STD in the past, granted it wasn't permanent, but it still was nonetheless, an STD.
If I had 37 I would lie. haha.
No you shouldn't be upset. Everything that he's done before should not affect your relationship now. The number doesn't mean anything unless he's exceptionally proud of it. Then you should be cautious.
We all have a past and in that past, we all have things we are ashamed of or things we would do differently if given the chance. Before you had sex, you two should have had a conversation about what you expect emotionally. The conversation about what "number" you are is ridiculous. That "number" is not who you are, or even who you were. All of those people came before you and you've said he's learned from his mistakes and has grown. You are with the man he is now, and that is all that should matter. If you can't get past his past, then you really shouldn't be a part of his future. (and vice versa)
I had a guy tell me after we slept together that he didn't even know how many girls he had been with, because he used to be in a band "and it just got crazy." I wasn't upset at the number (lack thereof?) but that he felt it appropriate to tell me afterwards instead of before. If you really are just another notch on his belt then you should be upset that he pretended to do the whole dating thing.
@steph - Agree.
Yes he should've told you the number before you had sex with him. As a guy myself, I do not trust him at all even when he is one of my friend, thus you should've asked him to go get tested first. You mentioned that you have had sex with seven people. For my preference, seven is extremely high as a female. I know that many people today are very open to sex but that is just my opinion. I would not date a woman who have had sex with more than two men.
I personally would be really upset, and, in a way, jealous. my boyfriend has only slept with two girls, one of them being me. He lost his virginity to her in 9th grade, which bothered me. I don't know why, I think it's mainly because he was pretty young, and because I wish I was his first. I've slept with 3 guys, him of course being one. He wishes he was my first, too lol so we both feel the same. I'm sure he is bothered by the fact that I slept with more guys than he has girls. I think you have a right to be upset. 37 is a large ass number! my god! let's hope he always used a condom!
Could be worse. Think Barney Stinson's (on How I Met Your Mother) 200. I'm sure guys like that are out there.
I would only be upset that I didn't discuss his history before having sex with him. Good luck!
yeah, i'd question why it came up after you've had sex...
how do you really keep track of 37? id lose count.Its nobodys fault but your own for not asking before u guys had sex. u cant take it back so no need to get upset about it. go get tested first off and second if he is clean then his past shouldnt be brought up anymore after that. Leave the past in the past. if u like this guy make a future with him. MOVE ONNNN!!!!!
Quite honestly there's nothing to be upset about for both questions. His past was really none of your concern and really, did you tell him how many guys you slept with before you had sex with him, either? And you making a big deal out of it just hurts his confidence, really. You're supposed to be supportive! And I think it says something about his character if he actually
doesremember every person he's had sex with. Usually when the number is that high they just lose count.
He should have told you beforehand, but you already have had sex with him ... 37 is a lot of people.
BOTH! Get yourself tested, especially considering the amount of people he's been with.
Like someone has said. Get tested. Also, if he has had thirty-seven partners, do you think he has the intent of committing to a long term relationship?
you have to decide for yourself if this is something that bothers you in the long run, or if it's just the initial shock. i know someone who's been with over 100..he's actually a sweet sensitive guy and yet it still shocks me any time i think of it. honestly, i don't see how they keep track of the total number..
if it were me, though, i'd probably be a little uncomfortable..and like you mentioned, i'd probably wonder if i was just another girl. if it's that high, it would seem like lots of one night stands and the like, casual sex..so would he easily have casual sex while he's with me, since it (supposedly) doesn't mean much of anything?
Um, are you asking permission to be upset? If you are, you are. How can you help it if it's not justified?
Well you can be upset, but the responsible thing to do with a new partner, is to get tested before sex. Seeing as you didn't ask, then he didn't have to tell you. You cannot be upset he didn't just randomly tell you. I do not think many people would randomly tell their new partner how many people they had been with. It is his past, and maybe he will change, maybe he won't.