Tuesday, 02 June 2009
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Follow-Up: Hanging Out with My Ex's Friends
So this is a little follow-up from my post asking if it would be weird to hanging out with an ex's friend...but what about dating an ex's friend?I couldn't believe some of the responses from that post saying I have something scheming up my sleeve by hanging out with his friends, when clearly, everything in that post points away from that...meaning I don't care about my ex at all.
Keep in mind that I had only gone out with him officially for a month...for those who were bashing me for being a supposed jealous psycho ex, what do I have to be conniving about? Nothing. He just got a girlfriend this year and we broke up two years ago...it's been over for a long time and I've dated/hung out with plenty of other guys since then.
Anyway, the point - because I had only been with him for a month a long time ago, do you think it would be okay to date one of his friends, too, not just hang out with them?
I am not sure if my ex has said bad things about me to his friends. What if you were friends with my ex and started liking me, then he kept telling you bad things about me...but when you would hang out with me you'd just feel I wasn't right for your friend, but could be right for you?
Would you listen to the crap an ex says or just go with what you thought about me, which would be quite the opposite of what bad things an ex says?
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Comments (15)
A guy wouldn't care what your ex tells him about you as long as you're hot. Just go for it!
Ohh man. I'm hanging out with my ex's friends this weekend and I'm probably going to find out what kind of bullshit he fed them, haha. He was such a jerk to me and I just have this gut feeling that he told them I was a psycho bitch, when all I did was point out all of his stupid flaws.
Mennnn. You don't think they share everything with their guys. But they do.
I think anyone who won't give you a chance outside of what your ex says probably isn't worth your time... Though you said you guys didn't end in any sort of "I hate you" situation, so hopefully it should be okay...
Just go for it!
Ex 'Friends ...
if a guy likes you, he won't care about all the sh*t that's being talked about you and go for it anyway. i broke up with a guy i was with for a month or so, and he was talking shit about me. so was a few other people that my current boy knew. the ex is friends with my current so. despite hearing all these bad things people like to say about me, he still pursue me. especially if it was only a month thing. a month is no big deal at all. if you like him, go for it.
I think it's a personal preference if you want to date an ex's friend. I wouldnt do it only because there's a good chance of us having to hang out at a group outing, etc and it would be awkward? I dont know. But given that you guys were only official for a month, it's not THAT bad I suppose. I mean if I dated one of my last ex bf's friends, that would feel really shitty because I was with him for a VERY VERY VERY long time. I'm still friends w/ some of his friends, but we keep our distance out of respect. I don't want the ex to feel like I'm invading his life... because I no longer want to be a part of it. But friends are friends.
so many people in my various friend groups have dated and hooked up with the same girls/guys with extremely variant degrees of seriousness to relationships. when you date someone, they frequently become the most important person in your life. so go ahead i say, take that chance, and if it doesn't work out your old ex and this potential new ex will repair their friendship if they want to.
people get over things as time will dull most wounds and even heal some. life is too short to always be concerned with the drama. we try not to hurt others, but as long as you're not going out of your way to deliberately hurt others you're taking the first step in leading a karmically successful existence.
something like that.
I've dated friends of exes. In some cases the exes gave great reports about me to friends, but there was one jealous ex who tried very hard to ruin any credibility I might have had by proclaiming I was crazy and not someone anyone should be wanting to date. And you know what? Not one of his friends bought it. They all kept pursuing me anyway, laughing off the thought that this was being said about someone with whom they were clearly enjoying themselves.
How much are we affected by what other people say, anyway? When a friend tells you your SO might be bad news, we rarely listen; we generally continue the relationship and find out for ourselves. We may proceed with caution, but it rarely ever puts a halt to things. I think most people understand that sometimes you can just be a bad fit for someone else; just because you're a bad fit for one particular person doesn't necessarily mean you're crazy. It just means you may have acted that way sometimes with them. Unless there really are no leftover feelings and no hidden agenda, the opinions of an ex are usually an extreme--either putting the person on a pedestal, or believing them to be absolute crap. Either way, you can't always trust the things someone says about someone they've dated and I think most people understand that.
I always take what my friends say about their ex's with a grain of salt. A lot of it is just needing to vent, being bitter, trying to move on. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It helps the healing process. Of course there are things that are true and important tidbits... but not always everything. And what they might find to be dealbreakers are irrelevant to me, or potentially even dealmakers. For example, my one friend would say that she hated that her ex would never yell in arguments and much rathered sitting down to talk things out. Or that his parents had a big influence on his life decisions (as in, their opinions were important to him). To her, those were dealbreakers. To me, I respected him more for it.
When I meet/hang out with my friends' ex's, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Whatever my friends have said is always in the back of my mind, of course. But I try to give every person the benefit of the doubt. Not everyone gets along, not everyone works well with others. You need to make your own judgment of others.
That being said, the guy will probably think similarly. Also, I've noticed that guys definitely don't listen to a lot of "drama." Maybe we should take lessons from them, yes? Ha.
Either way, don't concern yourself with it. Don't worry about it. If you find you want to start dating the friend, and he feels the same.... clearly, what your ex had to say was not much of an issue!
I trust a person until someone breaks that trust. So if someone says something bad about another person, I won't believe it until I see it.
Just go ahead and do it. Sometimes you only know one person to know another. Maybe this guy is "the one". Or something...haha. =)
this is my scenario sort of because I've become relatively good friends with my ex's really good friend. I met J* when my ex and I were together. During the difficult and confusing times, I've asked J*'s advice a few times (which inevitably led to my ex asking me not to do so). Anyways, he's coming back to town (he lives in denver) in a couple of weeks and I haven't talked/seen my ex in two months, so I wonder if it'll be weird to hang out with J without my ex. I mean, I have no interest in him and he doesn't either (no dating between friends' friends are strong with guys) so it shouldn't be a huge deal and yet it's so delicate.
So yeah in your situation.... considering it's only a month, I wouldn't worry about it too much. A month is a trial stage isn't it? But I don't know how it might be for the ex's friend because it's HIS friend, even if the ex says it's okay, I think he'll feel that he's breaking a code of a sort. *shrug*
One thing I truely belive is you can't help who you love. I'm in a relashionship with my ex's ex best friend. (we started going out after they weren't friends anymore.) I'm positive that he heard a lot of bad things about me. But I'm also sure he knew that every relashionship is different. Ours is really great and I've never had anything like that before. If he's really interested in you he won't care what other ppl say. Everyone has to follow there heart when it comes to something they areally want and love.
You dated this guy for only a month so I would not be so worried about it. I still talk to a few of my ex-boyfriend's friends and it doesn't bother him. We were in a relationship for 2 years and ended things badly, but we are friends now. I would never date one of his friends, but I had a long relationship with this guy. Your situation is totally different. I think that hanging out with ex's friends is ok and you should go ahead and date this guy. Good luck!
Its fine to date his friend, well thats what i think. Since you guys only dated for a month, it is different to dating someone for a year or two.