Miss Walrus
Okay, for the last two and a half years almost, I've gone through a pretty sticky situation with my ex-BF. We dated for about eight months straight and then when we broke up, continued to do the kinda on-and-off thing for another eight months. Eventually, though, the "off" time became longer than the "on" time and I officially broke it off. Actually, I guess that's a lie. I WANTED to officially break it off - but I did end up seeing (and by seeing I mean, hooking up with) him a couple times throughout the school year. It was kinda amazing the way it all happened - I would run into him at multiple bars or parties in the same night, or in some other completely strange and random way.
We'd go home together, talk honestly about our relationship, have a mind-blowing time together - and then in the morning, I would panic and generally try to sneak out of his house without waking up his roommates. Pathetic, looking back, but at the time it made sense. It just felt RIGHT to be with him. I think I thought that these little hookups would eventually lead to something else again...even though we both knew a relationship between us was pretty much destined to fail. But we continued to run into each other and one or the other of us always texted and/or called once a week. We never completely lost contact. It kinda seemed like fate to me - a twisted fate, maybe, but fate nonetheless.
Then, last week, just a week after getting a late night text from him about how he "knows I am too good for what he has put me through and it kills him," I saw pics of him with a new girl online.
And I'm not gonna to lie, it stung just like it did the first time.
I feel like I have no real right to get angry, though. We've been broken up for about a year and a half now! But I guess in my heart, I was still attached to him and the mess of curly locks on his head. Because of the things he told me - and because we talked so honestly about how it was hard to manage a relationship in college (his grades slipped DRAMATICALLY when we first got together) - I was able to feel content with the state of our "non-relationship." But now, seeing him with someone new, I guess I realize that he just didn't want to be in a relationship in college - with me.
I just don't know how I should feel. I'm mad at myself for the last two years. I'm confused as to why this hurts just like it hurt when we broke up for real so long ago? Maybe because I know it's REALLY over? Maybe because a little part of my heart still belonged to him? Maybe because I thought that when we both graduated next year, we could maybe have a chance then?
What do you do when something feels like a breakup - but it' s not?
Comments (59)
I can totally relate to you :[ Love sucks, eh? haha. I guess you just have to try to move on, and probably distance yourself from him. Because all of that hooking up is probably going to hurt a lot more now then it ever helped anything
You just have to move on. You knew that you would never have a good relationship, but you are still attached. I know EXACTLY how that feels, as I've been in a similar situation but not for as long.
I remember telling people that I hated him and the way he treated me and then he'd turn around and say something that made me think he was actually interested. We would hold hands, and then the next day he would blow me off.
Even though he'd made it clear we were not dating, he kept doing these little things that were sending me mixed messages.
Then one day he called me, told me he had something to tell me, but then apparently chickened out and let me find out through facebook that he had a girlfriend.
That hurt, and I took some time to "grieve?" the end of the stupid relationship. But I knew it was better.
Just give yourself sometime to deal, but you'll realize with time it's better the way it is. Once you find someone who treats you right, you'll be over it completely.
man i dunno....but i know how that feels!
This just happened to me a week ago. I still haven't figured out what to make of it. Waste? Promise for something later? Who effing knows...
i've been through the same ordeal myself, and it lasted much longer than i thought it would, probably 3-4 years?
i wish i could fast foward things for you, but the only way to get through it, is to actually go through it. you have stepped one foot in the right direction by realizing this cycle. i think the main reason why exes end hooking back up is because there comfortable with each other.
the best way is to reason with yourself. sounds dumb but list reasons why it didn't work in the first place, his shitty qualities, and realize that someone you love would never treat you this way. you shouldn't have to feel like crap.
don't be rebound! i guarantee you once he breaks up with his current gf, he'll come crawling back to you with the same tricks. don't fall for it! be strong and remember you deserve better than someone toying with you.
good luck and i hope my ranting, i mean advice, helps
Move on. Live your life and focus on college. Maybe you'll come together sometime down the road and it will work, but you need to have a life of your own and let him and your drama go.
this blog feels like the story of my life for the past two years, same like you, i've been seeing this guy for about 2 years, always off and on again between the both of us, and when we were off, we would run into each other and then hook up again and then were back on, but it felt like our relationship was going nowhere. eventually, i just had to tell him that it's officially over and still today, he's still knocking on my door, get numerous of calls from him and it feels like it's never gonna be over. if you feel that it should be over, then you have to be firm on your decision. i don't mean to cut him out of your life completely, but you have to contain yourself from falling into the trap again. it's hard i tell you, i struggle with it everyday because he'll say something to me and it makes me take him back instantly but then in the end, i get hurt because i didn't get what i wanted. i know, we're human, we make mistakes, but it's not healthy to be in a relationship with someone if it's always off and on again, there's no consistency.
You wait it out. Time heals all wounds.
Move on, and find someone else. The past few comments have repeated this very same sentence, and even though it hurts, it's the truth. It may seem impossible at first, because you just don't want to let go of your relationship with him, but you must learn to occupy your mind with something else. Spend time with your friends, think of the happier things in life.
And, before you know it, you'll think of this again and realise that... your heart doesn't hurt so much anymore, and you'll feel that you've become emotionally stonger.
You mentioned that it's always been Fate that brought you two together. So maybe someday, if you two are truly meant to be, Fate will being you back again. Personally, I believe in Fate, and I know that Fate doesn't betray us.
For now, chin up, and continue with life. I wish you the best of luck.
I sleep.
of course you feel bad! if you stil have feelings for him, then jealousy is very very common. you may be w/ someone new and still feel jealous.
Hopefully as time passes, you'll feel better. Just ignore him the best you can for now, and wait until you have a vacation where you can just let everything out.
You read "It's called a breakup because it's broken." Suck up your pride about reading a "self-help" book because it's helpful and hilarious (it's written by comedian Greg Behrendt). Seriously, I know yall broke up forever ago but go buy, rent, or steal it if you must. It will help you see what a super fox you are without him :)
Just in case you don't read it, here are the 7 Commandments:
1. Don't see him or talk to him for 60 days.
2. Get yourself a break-up buddy.
3. Get rid of his stuff and the things that remind you of him.
4. Get yourself in motion every day.
5. Don't wear your break-up out into the world.
6. Don't backslide by talking to him.
7. It won't work unless YOU are number one.
These are all explained in futher detail in chapters of the book. Good luck.
same thing happened to me too..
mine even dated a person i really dislike to piss me off for a year.. thats when i was fed up and said i wud never go near him and hurt myself again.
that didnt work, i found myself seing him last week, listening to him tell me how much he missed me.
i dont know why we all do this to ourselves. Theres sayin get over it but it doesnt feel like you are madly in love it feels like you love and you hate them, which makes it even harder to get over it because you dont what what exactly you are getting over, i guess..
Ha. I'm going thru the same shit. He's selfish. put it that way.
Live and learn. Don't feel too bad. When it comes to romance, we're all foolish one way or another.
Well, I guess you can think of it not as a physical "breakup" with him. But the pain you feel is the breakup of your mental attachment to him.
I'm in the same situation. I just pretty much waiting for the day he'll be with another girl.. again.
Hit me up if ya wanna chat!
I had a short fling with this guy for almost an entire semester, and we never got into a relationship because he still had feelings for his ex (with whom he got back together) and he just didn't think he and I should've been together. That broke my heart immensely because he was my first true love and he first person I really could see my future with. Our parting ways can't really be called "breaking up" because we were never really together, but when I talk to my friends about it, it seems to be the most suitable phrase to use.
Ironically, that semester my GPA went up to a 3.6 and I got Academic Honors for the first time in college.
you just have to move on. pick yourself back up and just keep going. i had a "relationship with someone" but after we broke up it's the on and off again with many arguments. honestly if you're on and off again are hooking up, it's really not worth it. i know you're upset because you know now that it's deffinitely finally over. and that even though you hoped to make it work, you know deep down it's not no matter how much you want to make it work. somethings things that we want the most are just not the things that's meant for us, [for a good reason].
Trust me its going to be harder to make it work cuz Ive been in a similar situation. For me it became a love and hate, on and off relationship with him. Basically, a lot of things I used to believe in about love, marriage, etc completely changed and Im afraid of commitments and attachments for fear of getting hurt again.
Make active changes for yourself and think about what you're putting yourself thru...have some self respect at least for you. Sometimes love can blind us
I was in a similar situation. We broke up, but whenever we saw each other we'd end up beinig sort of "on" again. He'd hold my hands, put his arms around me (even in public), and he would say the sweetest things. But then I found out he was going on dates...that's when I told him "I can't do it anymore." I figured I couldn't wait around forever, so I decided to cut ties. And yeah, it freaking hurt like when we first broke up...I probably cried just as much. Anywayz, 1.5 months after the no-contact rule was established, he broke the rule and contacted me. He told me he wanted me back..that he thought about getting into another relationship but it didn't feel right. That even though he does not believe in long distance relationships, he missed me. So now we're back together and trying to work towards being in the same city again. I hope things work out for you as well...
that was sorta like me. only we hadnt had sex together or anything, it was a couple years before my current bf and i was still ehm... "waiting?" but, we felt like a really great couple [to me] anyway and tried to stay friends after the breakup - TERRIBLE idea, at least for me. cause although the actual relationship was only about 3-4 months, i dragged it out by still talking to him, telling him my stories, and then remaining paranoid about all the other girls he was probably seeing. for an extra, like, year. and then when it got around to the anniversary of our breakup, if you will, i felt like i was drowning in effed up emotions - i mean a lot of other shit happened in my life around then, but i just knew i had to stop talking to him for my own health.
he was actually fine with that and said he understood if i wanted some time before we became friends again - but i dont think i'll ever talk to him again. i think that's called closure.
woah...same experience...undergoing the "off phase" right now.
but i'm hoping we will never go back to what it was again..because the hurt every after break-up does not feel the same...it gets worse exponentially....i hope i've gone through the worst of it...
...and i'm moving forward.
I know what that's like. Just give yourself time and keep telling yourself that you deserve and want better. Even if it's hard to stay away from him. Just try to keep yourself busy so you don't think of him and give it all time.
i understand what you're saying. i'm in a bit of that situation myself, though it's "only high school." i'm taking my parents advice though and not talking to this guy for a while though because it seems that everytime we end up talking, over a period of time it seems to come to the part of him wanting to be with me, and then he just shoves me in his back pocket all over again. It really hurts to see him dating someone else too... the whole "off phase" is now over, we're not together. and he says "we should date other people and if we both still feel that we should be together later on down the road then we'll see what happens when that time comes." I'm honestly sick of the back and forth with him.. just one little thing and i slip again. but no more.....
it's why i'm not going to talk to him, i made the choice and i'm pretty sure he took it a different way than expected... but i'd like to have some form of contact, as friends, whenever i decide to start talking to him again...
The last paragraph hit me like a ton of bricks. I wish I knew what to tell you.