Friday, 29 May 2009
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This Girl I'm Seeing Isn't Who I Thought She'd Be
First time here, never blogged before, but maybe you, the reader, can give me some (relatively) anonymous advice.....I'm seeing a girl from work, and I like her a lot - a real lot actually - I've known her for 2 years, pretty much fancied her for two years but she was with an idiot of a boyfriend and had been for a couple of years before I even met her.
Anyway, I'm an honourable kind of chap and kept my distance while she was with him even if it was obvious we had feelings for each other. Their inevitable split happened a few weeks back and almost immediately we got together (she practically told me she'd dumped him for me).
Anyway, I can't lie, when I'm with her I am floating on air, I genuinely notice birds singing and all that. We laugh constantly, have so much in common, and she has quite possibly the finest arse I've ever seen. I stay at her flat regularly, will do so again this Friday after we go out and I'm looking forward to it.
Problem is, she has this real ability to switch her emotions off, whereas I seem to be completely lovestruck every minute of the day. I'm not even eating properly. She will say things like "I couldn't be happier" when we are lying in bed, when we are out she will be all over me (even when we are on a train or something, which I'm not too comfortable with; we've all seen the smooching couples making you feel uncomfortable) kissing my hands, neck etc. whispering sweet nothings and telling me that there's a danger she is completely falling for me.
"we have plenty of time, don't get too ahead."
The next day, usually at work, I struggle to get eye contact from her and it's the same until we go out again, when she starts again with the heavy talk and kissy-kissy stuff. A prime example of this happened today. She suggested on Sunday night that we both take Monday off of work so we could go out on Sunday night and lounge about the next day. Lovely idea, I thought, so I booked it when I got in today. Emailed her to ask if she'd managed to get it too and she's changed her mind.What? It was your bloody idea!! Nightmare, and it's doing my head in.
Another thing is she's 26, whereas I'm 32. She's a bit wilder than I am, loves nothing more than partying and getting wasted (me too, I should add) but she'll do it at random points, like a Wednesday night after work. I have to admit, this bothers me a bit as I worry about her as she's the type to have a few too many then decide to go to a club until 5 a.m . with people she might only have just met - it's just her way.
When I first met her, this spontaneous get up and go "sod it" attitude was appealing as I was usually with her for a start and anyway, she had a fella and nothing was going to happen with us, but now we're "together" I can tell already it's going to bother me. I appreciate she's not long out of a long unhappy relationship, and no doubt is embracing her new freedom, but it does bother me.So I'm wondering now if me getting all caught up in her after only seeing her properly for a month is healthy (even if the relationship has steadily built for a long time before), and whether I really believe that she'll calm it down a bit and settle.
I dunno, part of me really wants to plod on as I like her so much, give it time to grow, etc. But another huge part tells me she's not going to change, really, is probably going to be pretty wild for good, will always have these emotion switches, and it'll be something that's going to trouble me for as long as we're together.
I feel a bit like nipping it all in the bud now, I can see it ending in tears, and why torment myself further? But as I said I am properly lovestruck with her and the thought of ending it now then watching her maybe meet someone else would pretty much tear me open.
Tough one. For me anyway.
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Comments (20)
Hm, that's tough. Her wishy-washy attitude kind of makes me frustrated, too! Does she want to keep your relationship a secret?
I think she likes to be the dominant one, and every time you seem to take control, she'll back down before taking you up again, if that makes sense. She likes to pursue you, but maybe she doesn't like to be pursued?
I really don't know what to say. Talk to her and tell her your thoughts about this. Maybe she doesn't really notice. And if she doesn't change, maybe it's time to take a break.
First off, I love your very british manner of writing.
I think the emotion switch is not a big deal. It seems like she is trying to keep it professional while at work, and when she's in 'work mode' so to speak, it is difficult to snap out of it. She probably doesn't want to become an item of office gossip and let your peers in on your relationship.
As to her being wild, you knew this going into the relationship and you are just going to have to decide whether or not you can deal with it. Granted we all calm down as we get older and more settled. You'll have to see if you're willing to endure while that happens. Or, maybe you could join her on these crazy adventures.
Dude, she's totally NOT ready to be in a relationship with you right now. I'm sorry but you're just a rebound. You're there, you fancied her for a while, she knew it, I'm sure of this... and she's using it to her advantage. Breaking up after dating for several years, no matter how much you think you've let go of the other person, it's going to take a while before anyone heals completely. They're going to feel that empty void, they're going to miss the other person (occassionally) and all that BS. Give her time.
It's always disappointing when you think you know someone and you're totally attracted to them but once you get to know them, they're not what you were expecting. That's what happens when you put someone on a pedastal (sp?). I'm not trying to sound harsh but that's reality. Cut her loose if you're feeling insecure. You should be able to fall and feel safe at the same time if the feelings are genuinely there. I think she's taking you in for a ride... and it's gonna be a short one if you let her yank the chains on you like that. Good luck!
I think shes confused about what she wants. As you said she just got out of a long unhappy relationship and the idea of having so much fun with you is probably really appealing to her because its been so long since she had those feelings.
I say, take it easy. dont be too serious and let her have her fun. she'll get over it and if she really does like you then things will get better.
@a_single_raindrop@xanga - totally agree with the dominant part too.
Well, when you were just friends with her, you saw how she was. You knew how she was before you got into a relationship with her. I don't see a point to you sitting around, waiting on her to change. Why? Because there's a chance that you're right, she may never change. She may always want to go out and party, she may never want to settle down.
Her emotional switches, they'd bother me too. If someone is going to be all over me one minute, I don't want them to back up and turn into an iceberg a few minutes or hours later. I want it to remain the same, constant. Unless they had a good reason for turning into an ice cube, that is.
The thing is, it bothers you, right? If you're wanting someone who'll give you affection on a regular basis, it doesn't sound like she's going to do that. Again, she may never change. She may always be hot one second and cold the next. If you need someone more stable, who's wanting to settle down, it doesn't sound like that's her at all.
I'd suggest talking to her about it. Find out what her future plans are, see if they're compatible with yours at all. See if she's going to quit partying all of the time if it bothers you.
If this girl makes you happy, and these issues aren't that big to you (such as, leaving the toilet seat up in problematic size.) then I'd not bother with it. But if they really do bother you.. well, that's something to think about. One thing you've got to always consider: Are you willing to stay with her forever, with her acting just as she does now?
I agree Eyesochinky. Shes not ready. but another thing you need to know. is people are different at work then they are at home. Myself for one, am very different at work. But all my co-workers know this, and on my brakes i talk to them as i would anyone else.
That is tough. It's a battle of heart and mind, and you seem to have strong opinions in both. Honestly, you sound so in love with this woman. And for the sake of love, I wouldn't completely break it off with her. These issues, however, are a red flag that she's not ready to be in a serious relationship. The thing is, you should be comfortable enough with her to talk to her about these feelings and worries you have. Especially blowing you off on Monday! WTH? Talk to her about it. And if you feel you can't.. then maybe your love is more of an infatuation..
aside from the fact that you're a rebound...and aside from the fact that you saw her personality before you went into this "relationship"...and aside from the fact that she's clearly not in relationship mode right now...
i'd argue that this is a case of too much, too soon (i.e. you're coming on too strong).
to be honest, that girl is complete chaos. she was in a bad relationship with her ex and she left him for you, what makes you think that she's not going to leave you for the next guy that fancies her? plus i agree with the others, she's definitely on the rebound and you're her rebound.
I would think the emotion switch-off at work would be because of the work environment...shouldn't be doing all that flirting and stuff at work, right? But then you mentioned her cancelling plans to lounge on Monday, so I'm not sure. She's probably just going through some phases, between showing her complete infatuation with you, and then feeling vulnerable by doing so and pulling back. I was a little bit like her with this other guy, except he was the one who had gotten out of a relationship.
If you're serious about her (which I assume you are), talk to her about it.
She is fiesty, but yea not ready to be in relationship. "rebound" as many say. Not too sure about the whole party crazy attitude, a warning sign that you might want to brace yourself for. That being said, maybe just talk to her about this and if necessary "take a break"?
RE: "The next day, usually at work, I struggle to get eye contact from her" Maybe wants to keep work and the relationship somewhat separate.... or she's a devilish temptress. Someone mentioned that she likes being in control.
i think in a way she wants to "wear the pants" in the relationship. She seems like although she's digging you, but at the same time, she wants to enjoy being single since she hasn't for a while. IF you decide to stay with her, be careful you might get your heart broken.
@mewithoutu77@xanga - And I totally agree.
I'm gonna have to say this is the first time I've seen a datingish article in which I completely agree with everyone's replies up to this point...
wait a minute. are you "together" meaning YOU think youre together but she doesnt or are you actually "together" where you both agreed that you are in a relationship
because if youre not together-together then you cant really do much , she's "free" so to say.
but if you are.. then.. maybe she's not really ready to be in this relationship
Stay casual for now and don't be too gullible for everything she says, as you know it's not completely reliable. If she proves to be the same, you can see yourself developing an antagonism toward her and that will hopefully help dissolve your butterflies for her.
She reminds me of myself. I have commitment issues, but she seems to like moving boyfriend to boyfriend. Has it ever occured to you this might be because she went from one relationship to the next without getting a break from it all? Perhaps enjoying a bit of a social, single life? I think that she is in desperate need to figure out who the hell she is first before dragging you down with her.
well, better make the most of it now I guess...
I can give you advices after reading this, "she loves nothing but partying and get wasted, and she is age 26th." These kind of women are nothing but a slut or a player. She will never going to be honest, loyal to you, or serious with you, unless you can change her. No offense but I have gone through enough of these type of women that I can tell you she does not worth your time and you should seek for someone who is better.
Have fun while you can. But if it starts getting more irritating or hurtful than fun, you might want to let go