Friday, 29 May 2009
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I'm Hanging Out with My Ex's Friends - Is That Weird?
Would you think it's weird if you found out your ex, who you'd broken up with like a year or two ago, is still hanging out with your friends? What if you guys didn't end on bad terms - you just gradually stopped talking? What if you hung out with your ex's friends because you were actually friends with them, and not out of finding out what your ex has been up to or anything like that?My ex, Derek, has been in a relationship for the past four months and I honestly, 110%, 500% don't care. I'm not a psycho ex, and I am not jealous of it. I am NOT one of those exes who gets background info on the current relationship an ex is in...I simply don't care and I've moved on a long time ago. Oftentimes, I wonder why I went out with him in the first place because after looking back at the whole thing, we were completely incompatible (we even looked weird together - here's this really short Asian girl with an extremely tall, dorky white guy)...yet we still went out for at least a month and had a FWB thing for another six or seven months after that.
Anyway, this summer, not a lot of people I hang out with are in town anymore, but I do know that some of Derek's friends are in town...yesterday I was so bored that I Facebook chatted with one of his friends, Carl, to see if he wanted to hang out.
I've always felt that the people I've known through Derek were more friends with me than he ever was friends with me. Carl and I went putt-putting and it was a fun time. While we were doing that, Joe, a friend of Carl's and another one of Derek's friends, called to see what he was up to. We didn't have anything else to do so we headed over to Joe's house to play video games. I'm actually a girl who likes to play video games as much as those guys do, so I was pretty much fine with it. I told them I would love to play video games (what they do) all day but I really don't know anyone with good video games - ha ha, well, until now.
I had met Joe once before...two years ago when I was dating Derek. We we were re-introduced by Carl although we'd met before, but after all of us hanging out tonight, Joe told me he was finally glad he got to meet me again and to actually talk to me this time.
The background about Joe: out of all of his friends, he's the only one who is a virgin. Carl told me that he was on a thing about waiting for marriage for a while.
I think Joe is a genuinely good guy, and lately, I haven't been able to find any real good guys...I've just been finding guys who only want to get in my pants and not even hang out.
Derek is 22, I'm 23, and some of his friends I hang out with are 20...the same age as his younger brother Ryan (20).
If Carl, Joe and I all hang out more, I think I may be into Joe. Although I am not a virgin, I have been trying to find a guy who won't try to get with me so quickly and because Joe is all about the marriage thing, I think he'd be good for me because he wouldn't try to get with me right away and he cares who he would lose it to.
Would you find it weird that you like one of your ex's friends, too, especially since he is friends with not only your ex, but your ex's younger brother and the same age as your ex's younger brother? Which means at times you might be hanging out with your ex's younger brother, too?
Also, is it weird hanging out with younger guys if you're three years older and a girl? I've tried to find older guys to hang out with, but 99% of the time, it's the older guys who are just horndogs and don't want to get to know me.
9 out of 10 younger guys (twenty and younger) that I've met are the ones who actually want to get to know me as a person, and won't attempt anything...it's not that I am even trying to be a cradle robber or anything, nor does it have to be my maturity level being on the same level as theirs; it just happens that if I want to hang out with anyone who won't try to get with me, they are younger.
I asked Carl if he thought it was weird if he found out his ex was still hanging out with his friends. He said that he'd be a little pissed, but I think they ended on an extremely bad note...he doesn't even want to talk to her anymore whereas Derek and I just don't talk because we just don't talk, not because we're pissed at each other or anything.
Sorry for all the questions, but just curious...what's your take on your exes hanging out with your friends, and the whole age thing in my situation?
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Comments (27)
Friends are friends are friends.
why are you worked up over something that only lasted a Month?
if it were year i understand a bit."Bros over hoes" deal goes on
friend are friends in the end.no regrets.
ive dates ex's friends.
they didnt care cause there were no more feelings anymore.
i think thats the only time there really is conflict
It's a double standard for me lol which it shouldn't be but usually my ex's have hurt me horribly so I don't see why my friends would want to hangout with my ex's and they don't. The ex's friend's that I see are my friend's because I'm still friend's with the ex. I'd be afraid to hangout with friend's of an ex who I don't wanna see again.
I don't see what it matters, so long as you aren't trying to sabotage his current relationship. It could be weird if the two of you ended on bad terms, but from what you say you didn't. So.. weird, no.
Though I figure it would be weird for the new girlfriend.
Haha my situations are too weird for me to give legitimate advice. My ex, Matt, is now dating my best friend Kelly, and we all hang out now. Which to some people seems weird but it just... isn't. And I kept in touch with another ex's best friend for a long time event hough I didn't talk to my ex.
I'd say don't worry about it. Do you really care if this would bother your ex? It doesn't sound like you owe him anything. Be with the people you want to be with, as long as they don't think its weird don't worry about it so much.
I like what Nick said.
And the age difference doesn't sound bad at all. If you were getting down to 18, 17 or younger you might want to be careful but 23 and 20? Doesn't sound like a big deal
@s0cialDecline@xanga - I agree. It sounds as if your exboyfriend didn't really mean that much to you.
Honestly, if he was friends with them before he dated me, then I wouldn't care. But if he became friends while dating me, then ... I might be suspicious. But I don't have an ex, so I wouldn't really know.
For some strange reason from reading this blog to me u are doing all of this to either stay close to him or because ur jealous because he moved on. you all of a sudden want to be sooooo buddy buddy with his friends now. I just laugh at people like u.
Its funny how now that u guys arent dating how u talk trash about him. like how yall didnt look good together.
Hey do urself a favor and save the bullshit for someone who gives a damn.
also i congradulate him for moving on to on im pretty sure he is happier without u and its about that time u move on as well. yall stop talking for a reason so accept it and keep it moving.
@lilsexypyrogirl@xanga -
Oh, hunny, not at all. I've always liked his friends better than he himself.
I was sitting at the computer one day and my ex IM'd me out of nowhere saying he was seeing someone and that he was sorry that he was mean to me when we were dating but I don't give a rat's ass what he's doing with his current girlfriend.
His friends treat me way better than he ever did...now why the hell would I wanna go back to a Jerk? ;)
@lilsexypyrogirl@xanga -
did you not read the part in my post where i said i'm not a jealous scheming psycho ex and that i've also said in my post that i've moved on?
but i like his friends because of their personalities, not to stalk them.
seems like you didn't read my post at all...you're saying quite the opposite of what i've been saying in my post. :)
@pillowpixies@xanga - yeah i can see what you're saying about the new girlfriend. i don't think she knows what i look like or who i am, and i hope it stays that way because i think she might get jealous over nothing.
not trying to be cocky or anything, but i've dealt with a psycho ex before and that's one enough for me to deal with, lol.
i hope it will be fine as long as i don't hang out with his friends at the same time as him and his gf.
Yes, you did say that, but you're incredibly see-through. It's obvious that you only said those things so that when we question you, you'll say.. well.. exactly what you did.
You only dated for a month, get over it.
@Anonymous - I did read ur post, if i didnt i wouldnt have commented. u just need to move on. and yes u said u moved on with one of HIS FRIENDS hah thats also kind of sketchy how all of a sudden u want to be with his friend. MOVE ONNNNNN...no matter what u say...on a outsiders few it just seem kind of funny.
Its my opinion and i have a right to write wat i want..get over it.
@jiojo - OMG THANK U FOR THROWING THAT OUT THERE...U ROCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!
@lilsexypyrogirl@xanga - You really suck at psychoanalysis and dating advice. Please don't ever pursue a degree in the former field. Blanket assumptions with no real fact behind them do not equate FACT.
And for the love of all that is holy: learn to freakin spell.
To the author: Honestly, I wouldn't worry if it was only a month-long gig. I was a bit put-off by your description of "different"; especially since I'm a goofy looking white guy, and my girlfriend is a short Filipina. Then again, it's your preference; so... Moving on!
If you two had been serious, I'd say back off the friends. But since it really wasn't, enjoy. Just be careful.
@jiojo - are you serious? i don't give a damn about my ex one bit. he is extremely unattractive i don't even know why gave him the time of day in the first place.
did you also read that we were extremely incompatible while we dated which is why we lasted a month? Good lord, not everything has a hidden meaning and could actually mean flat out what I say!
@Schristian@xanga - thank you schristian, hit the nail on the head.
i'm sorry if it offended u but i didn't mean to when i said that. i'm not mostly about looks, but just trying to say in my post how over i am of my ex and some stupid people on the Internet (not you, the post you responded to and the like) can't seem to comprehend that so they seem to bash me for a completely wrong assumption.
i don't even know how they concluded that with my post, especially when i said we only lasted a month and another 6 or 7 months of FWB, therefore nothing serious for me to be coniving about to the new relationship he's in.
i don't know how else to paint a picture for the ridiculous haters on here that me being friends with my friends ex, is simply because we like to hang out with each other and has absolutely nothing to do with spiting my ex.
@Anonymous -
i don't know how else to paint a picture for
the ridiculous haters on here that me being friends with my friends ex,
is simply because we like to hang out with each other and has
absolutely nothing to do with spiting my ex.
****
what i meant to say was my ex's friends...not my friend's ex.
the only stupid people here, for those that called me stupid are
those who actually think i'm doing this to spite my ex without any
actual evidence in my post when clearly everything in my post points
away from that
i hang out with my ex's friends all the time because they have become my friends too and what's so wrong about hanging out with them right? it's like this, just because you and your ex aren't together anymore, doesn't mean that you can't hang out with his friends.
i feel like my ex would find it weird if i was hanging out with his friends, but it seems like something i wouldn't mind doing. my ex from a couple years ago on the other hand, i wouldn't really find that weird at all. i hate restrictions like that, that you shouldn't hang out with certain people just because you met them through certain people blah blah... anyway, i think it's fine. and if it causes any problems between the two of you, i guess it doesn't matter since you don't talk anyway haha. and as for the age difference, for some reason, everyone i'm interested in ends up being a year younger than me. people make fun of me, but beyond that it doesn't really bother me. three years is more than one of course, but at this point in our lives i don't feel like it really matters; this isn't high school anymore.
it all depends on the friends and how you and your ex prefer it to be. When me and my ex broke up [we were in a serious relationship] i continued to be friends with one of his friend, and we even eat lunch together in school! But if any of my friends talk to my ex, it'd be a little weird. It's all about personal preference i guess.
To me, it doesn't really matter. I hang out with my ex's friends and he joins aswell with his gf, who is a close friend of mine. We ended on good terms, so things aren't awkward between us. I don't think its a bad idea, unless you guys are not comfortable with each other.
Age is only a problem if you let it be. The whole deal with having friends and exes and ex's friends is more tricky and dangerous. Proceed with caution.
i think everything really just depends on the situation and how mutual everybody is to eachother.
My younger sister is going threw this very thing but you are the ex you do not owe your ex anything.... he is the friend if he feels that it would be wrong then that something else a friend..a good friend would take in consideration of your exs feelings and go to him and let him know wassup....but in the end if your ex is a good friend and then he should wish him good luck with you no reason to try to miss out on something good....this is the same advice i gave my sister...it seems to have worked out her ex is a little jealous but now they all hang out her ex with his gf and my sister and her ex best friend...
i dont think it really matters unless someone makes a big deal of it. you seem super overly concerned with what's "weird" when really - there's no rule book. also, posting on here with a zillion requests for approval- seems to be just inviting mass amounts of judgment.