Friday, 29 May 2009
-
When I Took My Vows, I Meant Them...I Guess He Didn't
So here's the story. Girl meets boy, girl initiates a relationship with boy. Four years later boy proposes to girl. Girl happily accepts! One year after the proposal, boy and girl get hitched. A few months after that, girl has in vitro and becomes pregnant with boy's child. Seven months after that, boy leaves girl. Boy tells girl that he didn't love her when he married her, or when he medically impregnated her. In fact, boy hasn’t loved girl for the last three years of their five year relationship. Boy declares counseling dead in the water and divorce is imminent.Shitty, right?
Of course it is. So here I am: twenty-five, paying an attorney with money I don't have for a divorce I didn't want, arguing about custody of and child support for my one-month-old daughter and single. Again. Oh, and I’m clueless and scared.
Dating has always scared the shit out of me. I met my husband when I was 19 and it was a relief, even more so when he asked me to marry him four years after we met. I thought that I wasn't going to have to bother with dating ever again. I thought I was free and clear from the lies that people tell, the games that they play, and the STDs that they spread. I thought I was over all of that. Boy was I wrong.
My problem is that I feel so guilty just entertaining thoughts of dating other men while I'm still married to my husband. It feels like I would be doing something horribly wrong - like I'm somehow cheating. I realize how illogical this is, but when I took those vows I meant them. I 100% meant them, to the very core of my being. Unfortunately, he didn't. Marriage was nothing but a lie and a game to him, and now I just feel really fucked.
I have been out of practice for so long where dating is concerned, that I am not even sure I know how to flirt anymore. I have no idea where a woman such as myself would meet a nice, single man. I'm pretty sure I never want to do the whole marriage thing again, and I need to make sure that I ultimately find someone who is okay with not getting married and that will be decent to my child without trying to over step his bounds by pretending to be her father.
I am quickly approaching the point of no return where my husband is concerned. I don't really even want to be with him anymore, but we're still married and we're going to be married for the foreseeable future. It takes six months from the date the papers were filed before divorce is granted to a couple in my state. Six whole months. And my papers haven't even been filed yet.
So I'm putting this question to the blogging community at large. Is it cheating or not? Is dating really as bad as the picture that my mind seems to be painting? Is there hope for me or not?
-
recommend
- recs 0
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: MuggleLouise@xanga
- Name: MuggleLouise
- About Me: I'm a twenty-six year old new mom, going through a divorce that I never wanted. Life pretty much sucks right now, but I'm the type of chick who is trying hard to find the silver lining, because there has to be one right?
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 3 Views: 0 4530 Comments: 0 131 View all posts by MuggleLouise@xanga
Comments (42)
It's not cheating if you're headed for divorce and have an agreement that it's acceptable to date (especially in cases of pre-nup's where it gets icky with fidelity clauses).
However, one thing that kinda worries me is the segment that reads "Dating has always scared the shit out of me. I met my husband when I
was 19 and it was a relief, even more so when he asked me to marry him
four years after we met. I thought that I wasn't going to have to
bother with dating ever again." Marriage shouldn't be a reason to get away from the dreadfulness of dating, it's not supposed to be an escape route...
In any case, dating won't always be SO awful (though I don't know that I'd recommend you start dating right now). Whenever you do start dating just remember you have to be comfortable and not so worried about what everyone else thinks -- just have a good time!
It's not cheating saying as you're not really together, except legally. But Emotionally and whatnot you're no longer together. So be guilt free!
I hate the thought of dating as well...*shudders*
Go ahead and date but keep it light.......like....real light.. Just be honest to the new guy that youre practically still married but going through a divorce. Take things slow...and there is hope.
But man, your husband is scum. Im sorry you had to go through that. But hey, youre still young and there are plenty of single guys out there.
It's not cheating. That guy is a dbag and would deserve it even if it were.
Finding a nice guy is easy. There are a lot more of them out there than you might think. You probably couldn't walk a circuit around a busy bar without bumping into at least a few of them.
There's hope. But I think you should focus on the current situation first rather than worry about finding the next man to fall in love with. That was a jerk thing to do on your soon to be ex husband's behalf. WTF?
Anyways, long story short. I gave my all to the boy I fell in love with from when I was 16 until I was 26. (He slept with another girl while we were on a "break") I'm going to turn 28 in just a few months. I never thought I'd get over him nor did I ever imagine myself dating anyone else. But the truth is, I am and I couldn't be happier. So yes, there is hope. Love is everywhere, give it to those that deserve it, like your newborn :o) And especially to yourself. But don't rush into things. Take it slow, take it one step at a time. Let yourself heal first before diving head first into the dating scene. Believe me, it was scary to enter the dating pool again but it was well worth the wait. Good luck to you, nobody deserves to be yanked around like that for such a long time. He was a selfish prick and obviously he needs to grow a pair because he didn't have them to say anything for 4 long fucking years.
It's not cheating. I'm so sorry your soon-to-be ex-husband is such a dick weed :(
absolutely not cheating. I'm sorry that happened to you, and it's a horrible situation. If anything, you really do need to get out there and date. It will in the very least help get your mind off this shitty situation for a bit.
honestly the marriage you and your husband had is basically over so it's not considered cheating. i feel really bad for you because you're the same age as me. things like this makes me so scared to be in any relationship especially one that involves children. i hope that you guys can work things out and hopefully you'll find your one true love.
I don't think it's cheating.
Just make sure the new guy is in the loop about the divorce.
It's not cheating. Your husband thinks your marriage is over, so I think it's okay for you to date. But if you're worried about dating ... go into it cautiously, and not head first. :/
I hope things get better for you and your daughter.
I think you need to talk to a therapist before you jump into a new relationship. You don't want to bring any emotional baggage into a new relationship. If you're tight on money, call and see if any local colleges are offering free therapy (sometimes they do).
It kind of sounds like you need to take time out for yourself.
It's not emotional cheating. You two are still married, so technically it's still considered infidelity to start dating other men. But that's not what you really need to worry about. It seems like pretty much all is lost. What a %$#*ing jerk your husband is, though. Karma will get him one day.
If I were in your situation I wouldn't date right now.
I'm so sorry you went through that
I don't think it's considered cheating. I really hope things get better for you. =]
Successful marriages are so rare nowadays. x_x
The same thing happened to my mother, except that she was nearing fifty and had been married for 22 years, with two nearly grown children. My father said many of the same things your husband did to her. I've asked my father multiple times what his wedding vows meant to him, and he hasn't come up with an acceptable answer. To be honest, I'm terrified to get married because I don't want the same thing to happen to me.
But, at least you're young. It's a lot easier for you to find someone else, I'm sure, than my mother twice your age.
ouch. im so sorry!
First of all it is absolutely ridiculous for you to feel guilty about this!! i mean he shattered your whole life ffs!! im sure he didnt feel guilty when he lied through your vows.
Secondly if you are so afraid to date then dont date; you have plenty of time for men, right now your main concern should be your daughter NOT another man in your life.
The right men have a way of showing up when you least expect it <3
Relationship must not change even the odds would come. There should be an everlasting vow of the two. But what if the significant other really want to part his life from the other?? I think that's the time when both of you think of the best way to do. Either to save the relationship or just split for good.But what if the other one is diagnosed of the disease impossible to treat? woul you still remain in him? Ethan Zohn is known to many as the winner of Survivor, Season 3, and has long time relationship with Jenna Morasca. Ethan Zohn is in the headlines again, as Ethan Zohn has been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer, called CD20 positive Hodgkin's lymphoma. Hodgkin's lymphoma is a cancer of the lymph system, and while treatment is expensive and painful, usually requiring a payday loan or two to say the least, it is also one of the most survivable types of cancer. Chemotherapy begun in the early stages usually gives the afflicted a 95% survival rate or better. Ethan Zohn might need a few online loans to cover expenses, but treatment might rob him of his most precious possession – his famous hair.I hope their relationship will get by all the odds in their life fighting against the said disease knowing that both of their parents died of cancer.
I'm very sorry that you have to endure this shit. In some cases, I'd point and laugh when it should've been seen a mile away, but you didn't (and honestly, couldn't) have forseen this coming.
Both of you shouldn't have jumped the gun into a marriage. However, now's not the time to point fingers.
Let me add your question up: He has not given a shit about you in three years, he's ready to divorce your ass, and YOU'RE the one who feels bad about dating other guys? It is understandable when you commit to your wedding vows and is actually admirable. The problem with that, is that when the other side is not even bothering to uphold them, why the fuck should you? You're just being naive and dumb at that point. Maybe you feel this way because you somehow think you can salvage the marriage (ain't gonna happen, btw).Fun fact: if he tired of you, he's found somebody else or at least thought about it. Move on.
As for the dating world, it's nowhere near as bad as you think it is. However, don't rush out in a date to find somebody because you're still mentally hurt from this. Rush out and date while your defenses are down and odds are very good that you'll find another shithead to swindle and take advantage of you. Heal first, then when all is said and done, date.
Wow, that is absolutely horrible. I would wait to start seriously dating for a while, it might be helpful to focus on the situation at hand. If you do decide to date, I wouldn't consider it cheating because you're in the process of a divorce (which he initiated).
I'm really sorry that this happened to you. It's a horrible story.
recommend
my sister married at age 36, and it was totally fine.
don't worry too much about your biological clock. the key is feeling right about what you do. getting a bf/gf is not to get out of dating, it's because you like the person. breaking up should not be for someone else, but because you have insoluble differences with the bf/gf...
what do immortals want to experience the most but cant?
what do mortals wish to obtain but can't?
Singles want companionship. Those in one don't want to be tied down.
everyone thinks they need to cross the fence but it's not a fence. it's a circle with everyone on the edges. just be happy where you are and go somewhere for the right reasons, sheesh
shitty, and sadly, not unusual. i say feel free to date just don't look for a relationship. i think in general, but especially at this point, it's far safer to stumble into a relationship. it never struck me as healthy to be LOOKING for a relationship.
i am sure the hardest part is reconciling how your husband could not have loved you for so long and yet waited until this moment to mention it. strange how the mind works, and you're unlikely to get an honest answer.
i wish you the best.
It's not cheating. Look at this: He doesn't love you. He hasn't loved you for three years. He decides to tell you all of this after you're married, after you've had his baby. I feel safe to say that he fucked you over big time. To feel guilty towards much of anything when it comes to him is silly, because uh, he's a jerk. During a three year period he's had plenty of time to say he hasn't felt anything for you. Proposing was stupid on his part, and he's broken your heart. You're over him, and I guess he's been over you for three years. I can't repeat that three years bit enough, by the way.
Put yourself out there. Don't feel guilty because you're both going into divorce. Once the divorce process has started, especially under these terms, it's not cheating for you to move on. In fact, I'd say it's recommended. Go out, do things that you used to do by yourself or with friends. Go hang out with friends, family. Start doing some school, work, something.
There's always hope to find someone else. Otherwise these 40 year old divorcees wouldn't have any hope; but they do. You're still young, so you've definitely got hope. If you've got a life, and you're breathing, you can do anything.
Been there, and doing that. My wife was cheating on me for a year in our 3 year marriage. Claimed she wanted to fix things, but kept seeing her ex-bf. Then she gets a 2nd boyfriend at her work. Marital vows mean so little to people anymore with divorce so easily attained.