Sunday, 24 May 2009
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Why The Internet Kinda Sucks Sometimes: Cyberstalking the Ex
Sometimes I hate the internet. I know this is a topic that's practically been beaten to death - but I truly hate that with the ridiculous amount of social networking sites out there, I can literally find out anything I want to know about anyone. I know that the kid in my psych class ate waffles for breakfast and I know where the girl I always run next to on the treadmill will be partying this weekend.
And I also know that my ex boyfriend has found a new girl.
Okay, I have to admit that I've been legitimately cyberstalking my ex for like, forever. I seriously find myself checking his FB page before I even click on my own notifications (yes, I realize this is a problem). And my reason for doing so? I think in some weird way, I wanted some real, solid reason to forget him. I wanted to SEE - with my own blue eyes - that he had moved on. I wanted to see kissy-face pictures of him with a new beau. I wanted to see large group pics of him smiling and laughing and spilling beer on himself like he used to when we first started dating.
So, I got what I wanted. But now, I can't stop obsessing. I have tried everything I can think of. I blocked him. I blocked his best friend. I blocked the girl who posted the pictures. I even tried disabling my FB account (that lasted a whole five minutes). It's not that I'm really surprised or even hurt by this fact, but it's just the simple idea that I know those pictures are out there, easily accessible and at my disposal. Every ex compares herself to the new girl, I think, but it's much better if you can do this by fantasizing what the new girl is like instead of actually seeing her adorable, tan face all puckered up and waiting for my ex to plant a wet one on her.
Have any of you had to deal with this dilemma? I love me some FB, that's for sure, but I can't really figure out how to get myself to STOP checking for new pics and mulling over the ones already posted. Is there a "Facebook" version of Intervention?
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- From: misswalrus
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Comments (45)
Suck ....
I dropped my facebook a long time ago because of a stalker and I'm no good at stalking someone. I tried it on a fellow Xangan at his request. It takes up a lot of time and energy. It was fun once but I can't ever see myself making a habit of it. Maybe you could ask him to block you from his facebook. That should do the trick...
Hahah sort of, but not with an ex. It's more of your 'enemies' >) One way to get off Facebook would mean getting AWAY from your computer/laptop. Go out more often, do different activities to have yourself occupied so you wouldnt have time to check Facebook :)
The need to review the pics is just a symptom of the fact that you haven't moved on yet. Deal with whatever's keeping you from moving on, and you won't have to worry about the sloppy Facebook photography.
I hate it when on my Facebook my ex-friend who my ex cheated on me with keeps coming up as a "people you know". Also, she is obviously friends with a bunch of my current friends and I hate it when I see them talking to her or when I see she's posted on their pictures or anything. I hate that they get along with her after they know what she's done.
Sounds to me like you still love him.
And there's an easy way to solve all this. Don't go on facebook.
Simple, really...
For some people deleing your account is the only way to go. My friend had to do this because of the same exact problem. My first suggestion would be to find other things to do to occupy your time and therefore, your mind. It is a well known fact that too much time to think is a bad thing. I started going to the gym to occupy my time. It keeps me busy and makes me feel good about myself-double bonus!
@krispylicious@xanga - that's what i want too ... i wanna feel superior to my ex, hence i do it.
we blocked each other's fb so no more stalking but my friend bumped into him and a new girl somewhere. did not get good reviews of the new chick, which of course made me happy.
=D
I've realized that this is all just a "habit". And you can quit it cold turkey. I did. I used to do that on my myspace and facebook accounts...but after I disabled them, I never went back. Honestly, you're simply not over the ex yet, that's all. Because if you were truly over him, none of these things would matter. I used to be the exact same way. I wanted to know if he's still seeing the girl that he cheated with...I wanted to know if he flew out to see her...I wanted to know if he took time out of work to be with her, etc. I just wanted to KNOW. But for what? It did me more harm than anything. So instead, I went out and used ANY spare time I had left after my fulltime job and fulltime school towards charity events. It's helped me a great deal :o)
I remember when I used to pick up my phone as soon as I got off work or got out of class and speed dialed his number. I just wanted to call him and hear his voice...it was like a natural reflex. But I've come to realize that it was just a habit. After we broke up, it was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hard for me NOT to dial his number because I'd automatically do it. I'd hold the phone in my hand for a good 5 minutes, fighting myself not to dial his number. It failed a few times and I'd call, but a majority of the time, I'd call someone else instead. Eventually I broke that habit. I can go through my days without calling a single person now. So, you can break this habit :o) (I used call him everyday for a good 8 yrs while we dated)
It's not about the internet or the social websites, it's about you and your mental toughness. After my breakup, I deleted all pics, deleted him and blocked him and any other way that he would be accessible, simply because I didn't care anymore and I wanted to quickly forget. It seems you still hold on to him that's why you can't tear yourself away. It will take you longer to move on if you keep doing this, just tell yourself from this moment that you don't care, that you won't look at pics or anything that concerns him. Everytime you find yourself curious or have thoughts about this, clear your mind and consciously tell yourself to think of something else. It's hard but you have to do it or else this will keep bothering you. No use staying in the past.
When I first broke up with my long term gf I would try my best to avoid seeing her online profile as much as possible. I didn't wanna delete her off since we've known each other for too long and she deserved better than that. I just got in the habit of scrolling down fast whenever I see her name pop up on my feed haha
Its called self control.
There's one way to stop. Just stop.
This happened to me just recently. I wasn't constantly cyberstalking him, for me I just couldn't bear to see his name under my Feed so I deleted him. I was in peace after that.
The only way for this to stop is, I believe pillowpixies said it best, to just stop.
You could un-friend your ex, or block the website from your browser.
yes. i have! tyra says its a sickness. lol.
Everytime before you go to his page, think of the reason why you two broke up and why it ain't a good idea to go on this route. Eventually you'll stop.
It sounds like you're not moving on from him. Maybe to make things easier, you can unfriend him from Facebook and block him.
I had to do both in my case because two former friends who were stalking me like crazy. D:
Or as some of the above commentors have said, you can just stop looking at his profile altogether.
just delete it, move on.
clearly your notand he is.stop being creepyand get over him.
man i know.. facebook sucks, so does myspace, and twitter. i get obsessed with stalking my ex too, but we haven't been broken up very long and we're still friends. i just try to find out if he might be talking to any other girls. this one 15 year old chick commented him and i was like "bitch betta back off".. but she's 15.. i shouldn't think anything is going to happen with that one. then there's this other chick he's always talking to via text message and oh man it kills me so bad. so that's another thing that has ruined my life besides social networks.. TEXT MESSAGING. ya know, because you can be so secretive about it. and he is.. i try to look at his phone and he's like back off. then i just think to myself, WHY DOES IT MATTER WE'RE BROKE UP.. he shouldn't be ashamed to show me that he's talking to another girl.. and then i'm like.. why do i care in the first place that he is talking to another girl? so i'm OBVIOUSLY not over him AT ALL yet.. not to mention i would pay money to see what this chick looked like.. so far, they just text each other.. and he swares up and down he doesn't want a relationship (one of the reasons ours ended). so if he does get another girl pretty quick i'll be extra sad, heartbroken, and betrayed. MAN SCREW TECHNOLOGY!Â
GAH!
anger relieved. thank you.
I know how this story goes oh too well.
I don't like to stalk the ex. I already know he's with the girl he cheated on me with. However, even though I have him and the girl blocked on facebook, it doesn't stop the pictures from showing up on my news feed when they tag my other friends in them. I'm half tempted to un-friend all of the mutual friends, but I know that's not practical because they are my friends, too, and I shouldn't have to lose friends over this as well!
My ex used to stalk my Xanga, too. Him and his new girlfriend both used to visit my site multiple times A DAY! And finally, I lost it. I wrote this horrible post about how slutty they both are and how much I hate them. I said some very vicious, callous, hateful things (and no, I don't regret it... they deserved every word of it). Now, the ex has me blocked on his Xanga, and I'm really glad he did that, too, because when I wasn't blocked, the temptation to look at his was overwhelming!
The thing that really works for me to keep from checking in on him is this: go 60 days of no AIM, facebook, or Xanga stalking (or whatever other forms of stalking there is) and for each day, mark an X on the calendar. It's very empowering to watch the Xs add up. And by the time 60 days is up, that temptation to check in should probably be gone (let's hope).
iz normal
I had to deal with this a few weeks ago. It was awful. Not only was i confronted with pictures that I didn't have a choice to look at (the highlights feature on FB) but they confirmed my worst fear - that he'd gone back to his ex before me (the girl he spent our entire relationship comparing me to, who i found out only after we'd broken up that he had been engaged to -- major suck). I did what you did and blocked him, blocked or unfriended everyone I knew would know him, comment him post pictures of them etc. Unfortunately he still keeps popping up b/c we have so many mutual friends. Major suck......
I Hope it gets easier for you.....I know how you feel and it's awful. I found majorly limitin gmy use of all social networking sites helped a bit......but finally i just had to put my foot down (you know, to my self lol) and stop myself from going looking for things that I KNOW are going to hurt me....
good luck....
I think there's always that curiosity about how your ex is doing. Whether you wish them good fortune or wish them torturous bad luck, it's always too tempting to click on any sign of their current status. Try to fight the obsession but remember that it's normal.
I would just give it time... but you also need to practice self-control cos that's what will ultimately help you get over it.