Friday, 22 May 2009

  • Define Dependency in Your Relationship

    My boyfriend and I had an argument recently about the definition of "being dependent". He argued that being dependent does not necessarily mean that you are available every second of the day, but that you are available when you are able to be available. I argued that dependency means that you try to be available as much as possible because emergencies can happen almost any time of the day.

    Example 1: I recently had to undergo a medical procedure, which my boyfriend could not be there with me for. So, when I was crying in pain, my best friend called him on the phone since she knew he would make me feel better. No answer. Because he could not be there with me physically, I wanted him to at least be there with me emotionally. 

    Example 2: My boyfriend was at work when I was admitted into the hospital. I knew he was at work, but because it was important, I still wanted to tell him that I was in the hospital. Sadly, it was not important enough, and he did not come to visit me, even after work.

    Anyway, I don't want to go into depth with these two examples, but those are only a few. I've always asked my boyfriend to do certain favors for me but it's never for sure for him. For example, I would ask him to come to a doctor's appointment with me and at first he would say yes, but he'd change his mind at the last minute. How am I suppose to feel that he is dependent when situations like this keep occurring? Yeah, I understand he has things to do, but honestly, I feel as though being dependent means you will be there for someone when they need you most no matter what. *Deep breath*

    Do you think I'm overreacting? What is your definitition of dependency?

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Comments (45)

  • hannahlovesdoug@xanga

    Wow, I do not think you are over reacting.  I do not see why he would not come visit you... if you are in the hospital or anything.  Kind of seems like he does not care that much.  Then again, that could just be me.  Since my boyfriend tries everything to make me feel better even though we are in a LDR atm.  He should at least TRY.
  • Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga

    i think you mean "dependability"- tad different. but um yah i THINK my bf would try to be there for me if i were hospitalized.
  • MaNgOGaLx812x@xanga

    "He argued that being dependent does not necessarily mean that you are available every second of the day, but that you are available when you are able to be available."


    Ummm, that doesn't mean dependent at all.  That's like the opposite of what it means to be dependable.  He's saying he'll be there when it's convenient for him.  I'm sorry he's not being a very dependable boyfriend when you need him most.  =/  When I was in the ER, my boyfriend came to see me the first chance he got.
  • decembriel@xanga

    I think you mean dependable, not dependent.  Based on his behavior, he doesn't sound very dependable when it's important.
  • husbandofawife@xanga

    There might be a diference between a boyfriend and a husband and you are finding out the hard way.

  • xSayakax@xanga

    No, I don't think you're over-reacting at all.  He can't be there every second, but he should be there when it counts.  He should at least go visit you when you were in the hospital.  He doesn't seem very dependable or reliable at all.  Plus, if he had said he will go (meaning he promised) to the doctor's office with you, then he should keep his word.  Unless there's an emergency like one of his family member went to the ER or something that big.  From the things you say, it makes me think that ur not a very important person to ur bf.   
  • ichigo705@xanga

    Wow, your bf doesn't sound dependable. :\ I would want my bf to come visit me if I were hospitalized. If not physically, at least call and check to see if I'm okay. :\
  • goD_I_V_Aunc10@xanga

    @decembriel@xanga - I agree!
  • pillowpixies@xanga

    I agree with you. If someone is dependable, they're going to be there for you when you have to go to the hospital. If they aren't dependable, you won't be able to get a hold of them at all. He's the opposite of dependable, and it sounds like he doesn't favor dependability to begin with.

    If I go into surgery, I expect that my boyfriend will do his best to be there. If he can't be there, I'd hope that he'd at least talk to me on the phone for the support. I'd do the same for him.

    Being dependable: You can depend on them. You know that if you are falling off a bridge, they won't just drop you.
  • landlockedeyes@xanga

    "He argued that being dependent does not
    necessarily mean that you are available every second of the day, but
    that you are available when you are able to be available."

    Tell him that's not being DEPENDABLE, that's being AVAILABLE. He obviously doesn't know the difference and he obviously isn't trying very hard to be either of those things for you.
  • spanz@xanga

    I don't think you're overreacting at all. You were undergoing a medical procedure in the hospital, and okay, he didn't come cuz he was at work, but he could have answered your call & come AFTER work! This guy doesn't seem to value you enough either. 
  • joycemiles@xanga

    if I was hospitalized, I would want my boyfriend to come visit me. I'm not sure if he would go, but if I ask him to come he would most likely come if it was like I got a concussion. He was the one who drove me to the hospital and waited 3 hours while I had surgery, and then took me back while I was high on anesthetics (yeah... and I was REALLY loopy) and wheeled me back into my room. My brother was there... but he slept the whole time. what a dependable brother. haha.


    Maybe you can just ask him to just come and tell him that it is important to you that he would come so you can feel better.


    but changing his mind at the last minute....sigh.
  • whitetrashpoet@xanga

    My boyfriend took me to the ER and stayed with me there from 1:00 am until 8:30 am. We hadn't been together more than about six months...

    Needless to say, I married him! :)

    Your guy sounds...like an ass, to be perfectly frank. Sorry.
  • a_single_raindrop@xanga

    Heyy, you went to my high school. :D



    I think that you aren't overreacting. Getting admitted to the hospital is pretty big of a deal. I know I'd be angry with my boyfriend if he wasn't there with me.


     :/ I don't know what to say. Maybe you can talk to him and tell him that you were upset at him for not being there. Being committed in a relationship does mean to always be there for your SO whenever he/she may need you. And he wasn't there :/

  • Dramafree_Girl@xanga

    I'm sorry to say this, but that was very shitty of your boyfriend not to come visit you at the hospital. I don't blame you at all for being upset. I would be sooo upset at my boyfriend if he didn't come to visit me at the hospital either. That shows that he didn't care to even see how you were doing (at the very least, he could've asked if he could see you or something). I understand that guys don't take the tiny things into consideration as much as we girls do, but still, I don't think he'd like it very much if the situation was reversed and you didn't see him at the hospital after work. Everyone's busy but we make time for those we care about, it's all about balancing life, etc.


    Seriously, I went out with a guy who was only there for me when it was convenient for him, even though he told me he'd always be there for me. There's no point in being with someone who's selfish who puts you as last and everything else in his life as priority. I say ditch him and find someone who will treat you better and put you as priority in his life.
  • mewithoutu77@xanga

    i guess it depends on the situation and the relationship.  
  • pasaway4eva@xanga
    I agree. you are not overreacting at all! he should have tried at least to be there for you when you were in the hospital! that's just absurd!

    ayayay!
  • EverlastingSimplicity@xanga

    Definitely aren't overreacting.

  • Y0urHeartzDeepestDesire@xanga

    i think the word you're looking for is devotion. I don't think what you said relates at all to dependency. Dependency to me means not being able to do things without the other person, that you NEED the other person there because without them, you just can't function right.

    now, what you're describing is devotion. How devoted is he if he can't accompany you to the hospital? Things like that.

    Now, as far as that whole him not actually being there goes, I think that's just him juggling his priorities. apparently, it doesn't seem to me that you're very high on the list. Now, there might be other good things about him but based on your examples, that's what I see.

    anyway,

    hi!
  • Magniloquentia@xanga

    Neither of you seem to seem to know what dependant means. Being dependant on something is to require it for proper and/or normal function. Being dependant is never a good thing. It's nice to have your significant other there for you in times of pain, and I would think your boyfriend would want to be there to help you through it, but it shouldn't be necessary. If you crumble in the absence of another person, then you've got much more important problems than your relationship.
  • xx_x_beautifully_broken_x_xx@xanga

    I don't feel like your situations have to do with dependency. They're more about whether or not your SO truly cares about you, which from what you've written, doesn't seem like the case.
  • Sun_Starflower@xanga

    Hey, if he promised to the doctor with you and back out at the last minute, then he's a WEENIE. If he does it continuously, let's say 4-5 times as of this point... then you have a problem... On top of that, if he knew you were in the hospital, he could've at least asked your friend to talk to you or give his condolences, ya know?
  • not_izzy@xanga

    Being dependent is a bad thing.  You don't want to "depend" on anyone. Being reliable, or respecting you as a human are more appropriate in this context.  Unless you are a hypochondriac going to the hospital every other day for something stupid, he should come visit you, and be concerned for your wellbeing if he really loves you.  I think it is obvious you care a lot more about him than he does you.  Get out of that relationship, you are both wasting your time.  
  • LaBellaMorena

    I'm pretty sure the word you meant to use was dependability--being reliable. And this guy doesn't sound like that kind of person.
  • crashthedr3am@xanga

    i think you need a real boyfriend. i've been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, and he'd drop work school outings with his dad for me. if a guy honestly loves you, he'd be there to take care of you. and since you're critically in pain and i know i'd be scared if i found out i needed an operation, having my SO by my side isn't much to ask for. and to him, it shouldn't have to be.

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