So I was talking to a friend of mine last night. She has problems with guys. Or they have problems with her. They tend to get hurt. In her mind, she's been single for the last two years. She was bugging me for an honest answer, and wanted to know if she was a "man destroyer". After trying to avoid the question for awhile, I caved, and offered my thoughts on the matter.
Me: Well, I can't deny that you tend to leave a string of emotionally injured guys in your wake. Guys seem to get the idea that the two of you are dating or in a relationship, when you don't see it as anything serious. I think that guys believe that you are more interested in them than you actually are. I would speculate that this has to do with the level of intimacy that you enjoy with guys you are just friends with, since many guys would reserve that level of intimacy for someone they were attached to.
Her: I just won't be as friendly with my guy friends?
Me: I would say cuddling would be over the line for most friendships. Once you've crossed the line into the realm of physical intimacy, there's usually some additional implications.
Her: really, cuddling's too far? none at all? like not even leaning on with an arm around for a movie or something?
I said that that was too far, and I offered her a situation: If she had a boyfriend, and she went to a movie with her boyfriend, and another guy friend, would she be comfortable with the friend putting his arm around her, with her boyfriend sitting right there? She replied that if she had a boyfriend, that wouldn't happen. I didn't think it was right for her to change how she treated her friends, based solely on her relationship status.
So what do you think? Where do you draw the line between friendship, and something more? Do you treat your friends differently depending on if you are in a relationship?
Comments (24)
No, I agree with you completely. There are borderlines with friendships that shouldn't be crossed, because doing so usually results in a different kind of emotional attachment.
I don't want to lead anyone on, so anything beyond just hugging is too much for me. I mean, to me, cuddling would be only with my boyfriend because he's special ;)
Every person is different, though, so apparently things are "allowed" to change for her. But I think that would confuse guys becuase she won't cuddle with other guys when she's dating, but will do it when she's single. Of course it's going to lead guys on... and then hurt them when they realize she's not interested in him.
I wouldn't change a thing when I start dating except maybe hanging out less with my friends. If you keep the same boundaries between friends when single or not, guys will hopefully understand.
TOTALLY agree. She is crossing the line, with no explanation. I mean, if before hand she let them know that they weren't going to get serious, just be friends and the guy was cool with that, then fine. But when she doesn't say anything and make moves like that, they obviously think she's into them and is leading them on.
Not cool!
I'm in this situation, in the position of those distraught guys. I think physical intimacy is commonly interpreted as only for relationships.
its really not right to lead guys on. if you don't want it done to you, don't do it to others.
Wow. I would draw the line way before cuddling.
I think I actually saw a post on datingish where a girl had this issue. Her boyfriend was upset because her and her best friend were too close, or something. Eh, I don't recall.
One thing that helps is to think of whether you'd like your boyfriend/girlfriend to do that with someone else. Like, okay, she wants to cuddle with her male friends; would she want her boyfriend to cuddle with their female friends? I usually find that when you flip things around like that, people see things in a new light.
I treat my friends the same when I'm in a relationship as I do when I'm not. I never do anything over the boundaries of friendship with my friends, in a relationship or not. I like to keep my things cleanly distinguished.
There are different levels of physical intimacy. If she's doing things with her friends that she wouldn't do in front of her boyfriend than that is too much. Maybe until she learns what is too far tell her to keep a "I'm in a relationship and my boyfriend is right there" state of mind while shes hanging out with her friends. Maybe that would help?
AHAH, I should totally get my EX boyfriend to read this. He is such a bitch I swear. Gosh, the nerve of some people. enough said, whats not to hate?
XOX,
lipstick_mafia.
There are certain levels of intimacy for each relationship and friendship. It's hard to take a step backwards once they're breached.
@brittbritt__x@xanga - I completely agree with you on that.
@TruthNeverTold@xanga - i agree.
honestly i feel like your friend is a bit needy too because if she's requesting that kind of attention from a guy friend and not thinking that it's crossed the line, then what does she expect from her boyfriend if she had one?
Yeah I can relate. When I try to make guy friends, I've realized if I am attracted to them it usually escalates to physical itimacy both sexual & non-sexual. I've had a guy friend that I've ended up being physically intimate with, which destroyed our "friend"ship. Once you cross that line there's no going back.
I think that she is a girl that is very needy... and that is harmful to the guys more then anything.. to lean on them and cuddle with them but then not do it when she is dating is wrong....
Most of my friends are guys and I'm close to most of them. I can be myself as they can be theirselves when we're together but I can only hug like 2 of them comfortably on occasion. I don't lean my head on their shoulders or anything unless they do offer it when I'm bawling my eyes out. So basically, hugging is where I draw the line.
Another perspective: if she's got a boyfriend, how close to friend-girls would she be comfortable with *him* being? Reflection of that thought might be a good idea....
i think you're absolutely right. as friendly i am to guys, i wouldn't cuddle with them unless something's going on.
Everyone has their individual boundaries, although some boundaries will be more commonly drawn than others. Having boundaries that fluctuate and vary depending on your relationship status at the time is definitely going to result in complications. Signals with flirting are already difficult to read at the best of times, without them becoming even more disfigured by making them inconsistent.
the majority of my friends are guys.
so, it's normal for me to hug them, or scratch their heads.
but never more.
my boyfriend matters more.
plus he's way more fun to cuddle.
I'm pretty clear when I'm dealing with guy friends. If I think one might possibly at all like me I try to not touch him at all so he doesn't get the wrong idea. If I have a guy friend who's pretty much a bff and knows for sure that we're not going to date anytime soon, I feel free to cuddle with them when I'm feeling down.
@pillowpixies@xanga - I agree completely
I don't cuddle friends. LOL
I walk arm in arm with some of my closest buddies when they are single and obviously when I am single. We both know NOTHING will come from it, so it's fine but yes, cuddling is rather intimate.
I have this guy, he says hes interested in me on a platonic level and it's driving me nuts. He's one of those people who enjoy 'relationship-like' intimacy with women (he likes the company of women so has a lot of girl friends) and wonders why women are often confused and hurt by his actions. He says he doesn't intentionally try to hurt people but understands that his level of 'comfort' might be the problem. I have never had a guy tell me he is attracted to me and wants to spend time with me on a PLATONIC level. And I predict once we get closer, it's inevitable that I too might be confused because I thought he was interested in me on a non-platonic level. At the same time as I want to shake him and yell, "why don't we just date then?" I can sort of see why your friend and my 'friend' wants the freedom to do so. No strings; sex, kissing, is BAD...that won't happen (although he greets most women he knows with a kiss on the cheek) but you get to enjoy the intimate dynamics between two people who care about each other's well being. You don't have to worry about rules of dating, committment, changing a lot of life styles or compromises. It's like a part-time relationship except in the name of "comfortable" friendships. It's a small step before something much more R rated. For people who are not looking for a "serious relationship" it works fine. You're affectionate, you grow with each other, share a lot of things and who wouldn't want to be loved by someone else...even if clarified is PLATONIC?that's my insight anyways....Â
I agree with you,you treat your friends the same all the time or they get mixed emotions.