Thursday, 21 May 2009
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"Kick Him to The Curb" - There Are Two Sides to Every Story
"My boyfriend looks at other girls!" "She doesn't respect my space!" "He insulted me!" "She clams up when she's mad!" "I love him to death, but he hits me!" "She nags all the time and wants to change me!"We've seen 'em all around Datingish, haven't we? There's no lack of conversation topics related to relationships. But in observing this site, I've noticed a frightening lack of...I don't know. Perspective?
A blogger posts about something her boyfriend said, or has said a few times, that, in essence, shows a selfish attitude on the boyfriend's part. Immediate response: "Girl, he doesn't respect you. You need to get the **** out of that relationship, right now!"
Now, I don't accuse Datingish readers of lacking sympathy. The group around here seems to care very much about the well-being of those presenting their problems.
But there's an obvious lack here - the accused boyfriend's (or girlfriend's) side of the story.
I probably shouldn't admit it, but I've read the MSN feature "Can this marriage be saved?" on several occasions, and let me tell you - some of the issues that come up there are MUCH more significant than some of the issues raised here. But most of the time (and I say most, because I haven't read them all), the marriage is preserved through counseling, hard work, and a commitment to change - FROM BOTH SIDES.
Well, if you read the majority of comments around here, these relationships cannot, will not and should not be saved.
Why is this? Do we so severely lack the ability to see things from more than one angle? Or is it just the fact that, presented with a compelling emotional argument, we will invariably allow our sympathy toward the "victim" to override whatever natural, human instincts we may have felt, had the alleged "perpetrator" been allowed to tell his story?
No one is perfectly innocent in any of these cases presented. But the fact is we're only getting half the story. We're getting the teller's positives, and the accused's negatives.
I believe in black and white, but some of the readers here put me to shame. If I saw a post that basically said "he yelled at me for leaving the turkey out," I could expect the majority of comments to say "get rid of him," or "wow, he doesn't deserve you," or even "get a restraining order against him". While these may be necessary steps at some point or another, take the cliche (but true) advice of a reporter (me): Things are not always as they seem.
Allegations are just that - allegations. In the heat of passion, an exasperated comment like "why didn't you dust the cupboard" can become "he hates me because I don't get the house white-glove clean."
Datingish readers, I laud you for your sympathy. It's commendable, actually.
But don't let the passion of the argument cause you to throw out your good sense, or cloud the realization that you're only getting half the story.
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- From: anonymish
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Comments (27)
Good advice. (Although, I don't have sympathy, I just pretend to so I won't get called an a-hole, even though everyone already thinks I am).
If my girlfriend broke up with me for leaving the turkey out, well, I'd just laugh. That's funny.
Good advice.
My husband and I rarely fight about the dumb things I usually see on here - it never takes more than a few minutes for us to realize that we're both more mature than we're acting or to say hey, that hurt my feelings, or oh, I'm sorry for such and such.
If you're not comfortable enough to TALK to your significant other about your issues, you're not mature enough to be in a real relationship.
^_^ Amen!
This is an EXTREMELY good piece of advice - one that applies to anything in life, whether it's your friends, this site, the news, etc.
maybe because the blogger is so unhappy that it's just tough for us readers to show sympathy toward the significant other of the blogger?
@wewong@xanga - i agree.
i think i just try to cheer people up.. even if it isn't good advice.. lol oh that's bad isn't it.
True, but since we have nothing else to go off of, how can we assume that the other side has any excuse? We can't, therefore we assume the worst as is implied by the side that IS given. Human nature, I suppose.
Thanks. I get so tired of seeing the comments being united with "He is so wrong. Dump his ass." when really the story sounds so one sided!
It almost always seems as if the writer did little to no wrong and its always the SO that has the problems.
But I learned about this in my social psychology class. It's pretty obvious.
When someone does something negative you say it's because they're an asshole. Basically you attribute it to something internal, their personality.
But when you yourself do something negative there is a reason, an excuse, behind it.
When I say "leave him" it generally isn't out of sympathy. It is generally because if what the writer of whatever mini drama I'm reading is telling the truth, then the writer is a moron for staying.
I was always told there were three sides...person 1 person 2 and the truth.
*shrugs*
The people who post here are usually fairly young, and those relationships aren't necessarily marriages. Saying that because people work on their marriages, people here should work on saving a relationship in their first year of college is, to me, almost dumb.
If we all just sat here and thought, "Well, we need this other person's story to give advice." there would be no point in posting. You also don't need to people to agree about a problem for it to exist or be valid. If that were the case, Ike and Tina Turner would still be married and no one would have cared about Chris Brown gnawing on Rihanna.
@RazorBladeParade@xanga - ah, but I'm not saying not to care.
I'm just saying that commenters should realize that the stories we're hearing may be skewed, one-sided, or overblown, intentionally or not.
Keeping that in mind, I think, is paramount, if we really want to give good advice (and who wants to give bad advice?).
I'm not saying that every relationship is "the right one." But if you get into a pattern of leaving when there's a disagreement, or the going gets tough, it's that much easier to make the same decision in a more serious relationship, or marriage.
Conversely, dealing with it, in counseling or directly with your partner, shows a maturity that will serve you well in the long run, even if the current relationship can't or shouldn't be saved.
With most of this, I'd agree with you, except the "He hits me," part. Any guy or girl who uses physical abuse should be broken up with immediately.
I think what it is, is that we only hear one side of the story. With me, and I don't know if this is anybody else, I tend to read the stories and I forget 99.9% of the time that there is another side to the story I am reading. I tend to take the stories I hear from their point of view and forget to take the fact that there is another side to the story into account. Of course, if we all waited to hear the other side of the story before making our assessment of the situation, there would be no point in even posting because we'd almost never get the other side of the story. I go with what the reader is telling me and, assuming it's the truth, that is why I often feel they ought to get out of the relationship they are in for whatever the reason may be.
@Dave - If people don't exercise their right to leave a relationship while they're young, it will turn into a case where they never leave when they need to. That's how abuse victims stay in relationships, because they think things will get better with work and just talking about things doesn't necessarily mean everything will be okay.
Again, we don't have the luxury to wait for the other party to come to the site and share their story. We go off of what we see and that's the best advice we can give. It's not bad advice, it's advice given based on what resources we have.
I've seen people comment (and commented on posts myself) siding with the other person being talked about by whoever is writing. So it's not a matter of people being sympathetic to the author, it's a matter of people's opinions.
Oh nooez. My girlfriend just dumped me because I left the turkey out!
This is all your fault Datingish!
@RazorBladeParade@xanga - I agree. Sometimes I am downright relentless in letting the author know exactly how ridiculous/pedantic/narrow-minded/oblivious
/inconsiderate/ egocentric/moronically obtuse they are being, but only if the evidence supports such a conclusion.
I should charge for my insights, but no one would be able to afford me!
Maybe because it's written in such a way that warrants sympathy from the readers. You're right, "allegations are just that - allegations," but with nothing else to base our judgment upon, we do our best to give advice based on that one side. I think Datingish bloggers write because they need advice, and that rarely comes hand in hand with telling both sides of the story; after all, they aren't their significant other. If they were, we'd be out of business! Haha.
Why is this an anonymous post? o_O Anyway ... I agree with your post, but I disagree, too.
Most of the time, the writers of the posts are in a sticky situation where they want others to listen. So we (the readers) immediately console the writer and cheer her/him up.
Yes there is another side, but if it's not brought to our attention, we rarely acknowledge it.
I was thinking about this the other day... Someone posts a little problem they have with their SO, expecting to get good advise on how to FIX the problem, instead everyone just tells them to leave the person.
I Posted on here about my boyfriend being kind of jealous, and I asked the readers "What can I do to show him he has no need to be jealous" and everyone was like "you shouldn't be together!!"
Thats terrible advice!! Unless someone says their boyfriend beats them up or something.
People just assume that your relationship should be perfect, if it isn't then you shouldn't bother. The people in the world who have perfect relationships are the ones who worked their asses off to make it that way! And that includes getting advice from people outside of the relationship.
I always have my friends reassure me on wether I am right or wrong. That way, when I go back and start to argue about the situation, I know what is right and what is wrong, so i don't look like an ass =P
Half of the relationships that are posted in Datingish, I think, aren't going to last that long anyway. They're not marriage-quality relationships.
But this post was a very good piece of advice and I think - even though my own relationship isn't marriage-quality - that I'm going to try to look more from my boyfriends point of view instead of mine more often than his.
Of course it's all one sided, welcome to the world wide web, a place where one can vent and impose their opinion with only a page to spare.
@a_single_raindrop@xanga - :) It's anonymous because I don't have a xanga (though I did not long ago). I took a break from Xanga, but sometimes I just feel so strongly about something that I need some kind of forum to let it out.
If I were still "on" Xanga, I would have just submitted it the usual way. My former username was icicle84.
@RazorBladeParade@xanga - I see your point, in terms of relationships that are abusive, but most of the ones up here are relationships that just have problems.
Anyone - you or I or my brother, or my best friend, could, in a moment of indiscretion, do something stupid. We shouldn't keep advising people to walk out of relationships just because they or someone else did something stupid.
And that's what we can't see with as one-sided as these posts usually are.
There are two extremes, as we've obviously pointed out. You can get so averse to working things out that you become a leaver, or you can get so used to staying that you don't leave when you need to (like, in abuse cases).
@heterophobic_female_chauvinist@xanga - I agree that physical abuse should not be tolerated. If there's any time that someone is justified in leaving, it's in a physical abuse case.
@Dave - Problems are problems. Counseling can't make you like someone.
We have to see things as one-sided because we have no choice. As I and a bunch of other people have pointed out, it's not like the other party is going to come to defend their honor.
People should take advice as just that: advice. There are always going to be people with different opinions on a situation. On every post. So it's not really like the only thing writers see is, "Yes, leave."