Thursday, 21 May 2009
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Dear Dr. Datingish: Do I Still Love My Ex?
So here's the problem, and it involves two guys in my life. Let's call them J and R. J is an ex, who might possibly be my "first love," but I wasn't in love with him. I was the one to break up with him because I didn't think it was going to work out. R is the guy I'm with now. I've been with him for a few months. I like R, but I can't say I love him yet.
When R and I started going out, I thought I was completely over J. But from time to time, J keeps coming back to my mind. While yes, I don't think I would ever be in love with him, I did love him and I still miss him. From time to time I long for his hugs, and I think about how caring and sweet he was to me. I miss that about him; heck, I just miss everything about him. J and I got pretty serious, and we thought about marriage and whatnot. I think that if I did ended up marrying him, while I wouldn't be in love, I'd be content at how secure I feel with him.Oh, and by the way, I don't believe in love and in being in love anyway. I mean it'd be nice, but I'm highly doubting that it'll happen to me. But anyway, the problem is, he doesn't know anything about me being depressed. Heck, I'm not sure he even knows me! He spoils me so much and he showers me with gifts and material things. But I feel as though he hinders my growth as a person. But even still, I miss him, and how well he treated me. I'm really curious whether J is already over me or not. I remember when we broke up, we told each other that if we were at a certain age, and still single, we'd marry each other then. But I highly doubt he still thinks about that.
Even though R has been with me for less time than J, he's probably known more about me than J did. He knows of my depression and my phases. Heck, he can even tell how I feel even through my text messages! I like R a lot. But then J keeps coming back to my mind.Why is that? Why can't I just forget about J and just focus all my attention to R? Is it because I still love J? I'm not sure what I should do right now and I just want these feelings to stop. What should I do? Have you ever been in a situation like me?
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Comments (25)
I've had this problem before, and it only hit me when I talked to one of the guy's friends and I realized how much of a douche he really was.
@thetaterisawesome@xanga - lol
To answer the question, it doesn't really sound like you are that much in love with either of them.
I'd have to agree with Loonsounds here. You don't seem to be that much in love with either one. Further, you don't seem to even care about either one.
Actually, the fact that you'd even consider leading either one of them on like that sounds pretty jerkish to me.
I'd say break up with R, go single, and find yourself before you cause more unnecessary problems.
You never let go of J yet.
I don't know what to say here, it seems like you are in a bit of a hinch with your feeelings. And you got to straighten them out before moving into something else. I don't know whether you just broke up with J or not, but I feel like R is a rebound for you and you love how he's so considerate and understands you and what not, but you dont' feel like you have the same chemistry and affection that you did with J.
I think you should just talk to R about this, and figure things out. It's pretty selfish of you thinking of J when you have R, and especially, when you two are dating.
Oh and by the way, I love how you say "heck" alot in this, its pretty gnarly. :)
@poet85@xanga - I agree with you. ;)
It doesn't seem like you're so much into R. In my opinion, your first love tends to guide you in the sense of how a relationship would work for you. And exes will pop up in your mind from time to time. Not sure if you saw it, but I made a feature post about seeing exes in my dreams, and how weird I thought it was. Really, you'll always remember them whether you like it or not. Can't be mad at them or yourself for dating them, but come to the conclusion that they taught you many things in life, and that you wish the best for them.
So, back to your sitch...I'd say forget J and see how it goes with R.
If you have to ask, the answer is yes.
Hey :)
It sounds like you are still not over your ex.
I have been in the same position just a couple of
months ago. My boyfriend and I broke up, and I
started talking to a guy and I basically dated him,
don't get me wrong I liked this guy. He was sweet,
funny & caring. But as much as he was all those
things I missed my ex. A LOT. I thought I was over
him, I even THOUGHT I can get over him.. turns out
I can't.
So, I followed my heart and tried to get one more chance
with my ex. Thank God we were given another shot. I broke the other guy's heart but I needed to follow my heart. And now me and my boyfriend are back together and stronger.
We have been dating for 3 years :]..
www.twitter.com/joanuhh
@DarkButtercup94@xanga - I really like R. When we're together all we do is laugh. I love who I am when I'm with R, but I hate who I was when I was with J. I really like R. Just that J comes into my head more than I would like to.
I think you need to be single for a little bit so you can figure things out. I mean, even though you like R, you don't love him, and in a way you are just using him just for comfort. If J keeps coming up to your mind, you need to get out of the relationship you are in and maybe start over. R doesn't deserve this.
you seem confused and not just about whether you still love your ex.
you believe in love but not being in love? o_O
@EarthsAzureLight@xanga - i agree.
and why don't you just tell him about your depression?
Go single for awhile u seem really confused. u dont want to hurt anyone in the end which u will if u do end it with ur current boyfriend. goodluck
is your ex your first love? if it is maybe that's why. although i dont doubt it that you like R, but since J is your first love, maybe you just can't help compare every relationship with J. Stop thinking so much and just forget about J. You know it yourself that you'll never be in love with J, so why are you even bothering with it? If you had gotten back with him, what were you expecting? Maybe you just need your closure. Try talking to J, and have that closure. maybe that's what you needed.
maybe this "i dont believe in being in love" is just you trying to protect yourself from those feelings. i know how that feels. it's not that it doesn't exist, but they just aren't the right person for you, or you don't allow yourself to fall in love. You can love ANYONE, but being in love is what distinguishes a romantic relationship, isn't it? i think you really need to sort yourself out before you keep going deeper; talk with a good person you can trust. im not saying dump they guy you're with, but maybe ask for more professional advice... and you shouldnt tell your current bf you still think about ur ex, coz at this point youre very confused, and you could hurt him in a way you will later regret.
@ignigenae@xanga - Thank you for the insight, i think that's what i'll do.
It sounds to me like you're unsure of what you want right now. :\
For the time being, just go single and try to figure things out for yourself.
Best of luck to you.
There's a whole boatload of contradictions in that... of course you believe in love. If you didn't, would you be submitting this?
Though, I'd say... watch out for perceptive guys. Rather, "be on the look out"--if a person you're attracted to can read you or has a relatively intuitive nature, that's already a huge plus. You prooobably won't find any psychics, but maybe you have a good thing going with this "R."
You're not in love with who he is, you're in love with the possibility that some day he could become someone else.
I've totally been here! Sounds like you have "grass is always greener" syndrome, also known as commitment-phobia. You didn't realize you were in love with J until after you ended it, and now you really like R and he knows lots about you and (it sounds like) cares for you, but your thoughts stray back to J.
Sounds to me like you need to think about whether this is really about the guys, or about you. Is there a pattern? I read "Kiss and Run" by Elina Furman, in which she discusses how modern women are being struck with commitmentphobia, and is really helped me figure some stuff out!
I dont' think you've let go of J yet... It's unfair for R because he's putting 100% of his heart into this relationship he has with you, while you only give me a portion of your love... Sure it may not be love yet, but you should at least anticipate on loving someone who you're with.. You have to remember, "if you don't let go of the old, how will you be ready to accept the new when he arrives"?
I know EXACTLY how you're feeling, since I'm going through the same thing...even to the J and R. I know I'm still in love with J, but I love R at the same time. I guess the best way to sort through this is figure out who's better for you. And then, you either go back or move on.
I think... you should go find a JR.
Then you can have the best of both worlds! Teeheehee!
It sounds like you regret breaking up with J., even though you are the one who initiated it. It also seems as if you really aren't into R., but are just with him to avoid being alone. Girl, you've got issues. You should spend time outside of a relationship so you can figure out what you really want. In terms of J, why would you want a guy who didn't know the real you? To me that is really pathetic and sad. You have some issues to sort out. It would be in your best interest to take a break from your relationship with R. and spend time doing some introspection. Staying in a relationship you are not sure of not only hurts you, but it will eventually hurt R.. You've already hurt J., so don't go around hurting people out of emotional laziness. Putting yourself under the microscope may seem like a scary thought, but it is very necessary. Good luck to you.
get single, have fun for a while
and if you find yourself thinking of one of them, maybe you've got an answer... and if not, you haven't found the right person. don't give up on love ever, you never know if it'll randomly decide to rear it's ugly head(okay love isn't always ugly but still! sometimes such a pain...)