Well, I'm certainly no expert in the matter (so feel free to leave suggestions); I have a lot of trouble making idle conversation with people in a social setting. I used to be very shy, until I got to know you, and then I'd open up a bit. I'm getting better about it, and learning to make small talk has helped make that possible. It became easier once I realized that the entire process is just a method of exchanging stories.
Essentially, there are three phases:
1) ask questions 2) tell a story 3) repeat.The first part of small talk is to ask questions. Drop the cheesy canned pickup lines. You're looking for common ground, or rather, a topic to talk about. For the first few minutes, I keep it light. Initially, I like to start with a compliment, and a basic question. Say she's wearing a necklace with a dolphin on it. I might say something like: "Hey, that's a really cute necklace, where did you get it?"
Now you've asked a question and initiated small talk. At this point, you're looking for a story. To use my necklace example, here are some possible responses:
- "Thanks! I found it at a store in California." Excellent! She's just given you a good topic for a potential story. Ask her what she was doing in California, or tell her about the time that you were shopping in California. The entire story may only be a minute long, but you've successfully found something to talk about!
- "Oh, I got it at Target". A more common answer. She's not really volunteering any information, so you'll have to keep asking questions to see if there's a story involved. Look for more detail: "Oh, do you like dolphins? We swam with some dolphins one time when we were in Florida." Now you've introduced the topics of dolphins and Florida. Hopefully she'll have a story about dolphins, or she'll ask you about your trip to Florida.
Remember to ask questions that open up for topics. You don't want short answers.
"How was your weekend?"
"Fine."
"What brings you out tonight?"
"I'm here with friends."
These usually aren't so good, but if you have reason to believe that there's a story behind them, you could try asking those same questions in a more open-ended fashion.
"Did you do anything fun for Grand Prix weekend?"
"Well, Saturday we went out and got really drunk..."
"What are you all dressed up for tonight?"
"It's my friend's birthday, we went out to dinner at this fancy restaurant..."
An alternative method is to open with a story. Remember that you need common ground before you tell a story. If something happens that reminds you of a story, share it, but remember to focus on things that are currently relevant. Unless she's wearing a BSOD shirt, if you walk up to her and start talking about your drive corruption and the hours you spent reformatting, she's going to excuse herself. If you just saw a fight or a sweet car, you could talk about that. This method also work well in groups. You can walk into a conversation, wait until you have something to add, and then jump in. In this situation, the topic is already established for you.
The final step: Repeat. Your initial topic of conversation will probably only last a minute or two. Switch topics, or start over altogether with a new question. If you hit a dead end, ask another question. Once you start to become more comfortable with one another, the conversation will flow more naturally.
Practice making small talk. When you are out with your friends, try introducing yourself to their friends. Once you are comfortable with that, try going on dates with people to get a better grasp of things. Dates are a semi-captive audience, the other person doesn't wander off if the conversation reaches a dead end. Move on to practicing in bars - people there are usually expecting to be approached. Finally, make small talk with strangers in public. If you can walk up to a stranger in a grocery store, and leave feeling like you've made a new friend, you've mastered the art of small talk.
Comments (17)
That's one thing I really dislike, asking someone a question to get the shortest answer on the face of the earth. It's worse when you can give them a million topics and they're still blank. I had a friend like that once.
wow! hehe small talk is so complicated!
Solid advice :]
And remember not to force it when the other party clearly isn't interested in talking with you.
whoa, here's to opening me up to a world of engaging parties. thanks, man
I like it. thanks.
Good advice, but if only I could carry it out. I am very bad with small talk, let alone talking with acquaintances/strangers...
good advice.. im a very closed/short answered person to people i dont know. i think i need to learn more about small talk since i do feel very... isolated when i am with my bf and his friends
This is some pretty good advice, I am usually shy until I get to know them like you. Gonna try this tonight haha.
lol it's good advice, but it really depends on the girl, too. If I'm annoyed by somebody, I won't elaborate on my answers (and just say whatever so I can get out of there faster) aha.
Well, if you're NPH, you don't have this problem, ha ha.
this is great advice, but i really really hate it whne people give one worded answers. thres no way out of it.
and remember not to try too hard to be funny.. it's very obvious when that happens.. and most of the time it's just awkward.. sometimes it's cute.. but mostly awkward.
@a_single_raindrop@xanga - Agreed.
good, simple advice :)
creeping.