Tuesday, 19 May 2009
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She Started As My Best Friend; Now She's After My BF!
So I’ve been bugging out on a relationship problem for months now. I feel like I'm in the middle and really can’t decide. A few months ago, I met a female friend who I thought I was going to be really great friends with. It’s always been my dream to have a really close best friend, so I decided to have her around. She started to hang out with me and my boyfriend and our group of friends a lot and they really liked her. A few months later, I realized that she started becoming closer to my boyfriend than to me. They were working on this school project making a movie together; she would be over his house more often and they talked about the project plenty of times. On the other hand, I was really busy with schoolwork and struggled to balance my school time with my social life.
When my boyfriend and I did get a chance to spend time alone together without our friends surrounding us, she would always call him to come over and hang out too. There were plenty of times she wouldn’t even call and would just show up on his door. This annoyed me a lot. On top of this, there were a couple of times that annoyed me, like she recently bought a car and she still relies on my boyfriend to pick her up and drop her at home - her reason was that she was too scared to walk out from her car to her front porch at night. There was another instance that really did it for me, and this was when the three of us were all hanging out and he would both drive us home. He usually would drop her off home first before me, but this night he ended up dropping me home first because she said there was no one at her house and she was scared to be alone.
I was a little upset again because it was the only rare time we could sit in the car and reflect on our day. I decided to call him later on to make up for it. I called his cell phone and no one picked up so I called him a few more times- that’s just me; I'm persistent when I can’t reach people. Finally, I decided to call his house number, and his brother picked up and told me that he wasn’t home yet. Mind you, this was around 2 a.m; where could he possibly be? So many things were going through my head. I started crying, writing in my diary, pacing up back and forth in my room and all I could think about was he was over her house alone at 2 in the morning. It wasn’t a pretty thought.
I felt like a lot of my privileges as a girlfriend were kind of taken away from me. She would lie on his bed and sleep on his bed more than I even put my hands on that bed. Yes, I was jealous, and yes, I realized I was pretty insecure. I bottled a lot of my frustrations and would often blow up on my boyfriend, which I never used to do. I have trouble confronting people about my feelings and explaining how I feel about people needing to respect others' boundaries, especially, you know, when they’re in a relationship. Now I've started to check his emails, which I know is really really wrong. It’s a curse; I wish I never had the power to do it. I saw random emails from her sending pictures of her to him all seductively.
I can’t really confront him about it either. We've broke up a couple of times, too, within the past five months. Before, we’d been dating for 4 years and after the 4 years, we were just on and off. We’ve tried to make our breakup real and didn't date for two months. We even had two weeks where we didn't see each other at all.
My problem is I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know if I have the right to feel this way; I don’t know if I should be feeling jealous. He’s my best friend and I don’t have many friends, either. I love him, but I'm not sure if it’s as much as I used to love him, if I can even quantify love. I gave him a lot of myself in the past and now I'm afraid to love him like I used to, fearing he would just hurt me.
I’m willing to give it a try with him, but I don’t know how to trust him and rid of all these feelings I feel about him and her. I feel like his time is split between us, almost like he has two girlfriends. I confronted her about my feelings in a very civil way and she said she even noticed herself that she was close to him. She said she only thinks of him as his brother.
I feel like it’s really my problem and not his because I know he would never cheat. I also want to rid of my little habits of going behind his back to check his emails. What should I do?
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About the Author
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- From: wachamakulit@xanga
- About Me: Things change as you grow up. Priorities change, goals change, dreams change, and sometimes you find urself completely lost in the middle of everything after having thought you got it all figured out. It may seem now that you'll never get out of that rut or it may seem like you'll never find ur old self back again; Ur headstrong personality, the driven one, the dreamer, the fighter, the full spirited and carefree one. All of these hopefully had just been covered by time and will resurface eventually. Its time for me to discover myself again bc as of now Im not sure who I really am anymore. Im not sure who I should hold onto or let go or care for. Maybe this is the time that I need to care for myself and rediscover everything again. I dont want to be lost anymore.
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Comments (79)
Talk to him about it first before you talk to her. Be honest with your boyfriend about your emotions -- you say you trust him enough not to cheat on you. You can trust him to be gentle with you while you're open and vulnerable with him.
As for checking his email behind his back, that's kind of a sign that you DON'T trust him, isn't it? And in my opinion, it makes you a jerk. Being jealous is a natural reaction, and part of being in a relationship. It doesn't excuse your behavior.
She sounds like trouble XD
Describes a situation of mine almost exactly. It sucks.
I will always hate that girl that did that to me. Except, I never liked her in the first place. It was him that brought her into the situation. He says he never liked her that way, but I still don't believe him, even a year after we split because of it.
By the way, those two now have a baby girl together.
Sweetie, it's time to let go. Go out and experience life. I'm telling you this from experience. When in doubt, it's time to go. I don't want to see you going through what I've already went through. I spent 10 years feeling that way about my ex. When I finally decided that I can trust him with everything I had, he proved me wrong, by sleeping with another girl. I watched my life shatter before my eyes (I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but gimme a break, it was 10 yrs). I wish I had let go a lot sooner, be able to meet different people, make different friends, travel more, be young again... I can't turn back time. I'm slowly making up for loss time. Don't ever settle for anything less than what you have to offer...EVER. GOOD LUCK.
Give both of them the boot. If he cant respect you as a GF, then he's not worth it. Not even your "friendship".
It sounds like your relationship has issues that you two haven't been able to resolve. It's not fair to you that he would spend the night with another girl.
I agree that you should go out and experience life, make some new friends, and forget them.
She simply sounds like trouble to me. Her response to you trying to talk to her about it was all wrong. You told her that you didn't like the situation, and how you felt, and her response was, "Oh yeah, I noticed that we hang out a lot and are really close too."
What? She should have been saying (if she actually cared about the friendship) "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't notice and I'll try to back off, definitely."
I think she knows what she's doing. She's sending him seductive pictures for crying out loud. His response doesn't seem to be a negative one, either. Is he telling her to stop? Trying to hang out with you more than her?
Just stop checking his email. If you have to stop gradually, limit yourself or something. Instead of checking it every day (if you do that now) limit yourself to once a week or something. Looking at someone elses emails is never a good idea, and it's rude.
You don't trust him, obviously. You need to talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel about this entire thing and see if he'd be willing to hang around her less. You should have talked about this with him from the very beginning, in my opinion. It would have saved a lot of heartache.
If, after talking to him, he's unwilling to stop some things or you two just can't make it work, well..
I hate girls like her.
this is his fault too. I would dump him.
If he didn't tell you about the emails himself, think about that as a bad intention already.
Get away from him.
I hate them both for the type of people that they are.
ohkay ... are you in a relationship with her or him? he's your boyfriend not her. there's always going to be a prettier girl. always. that's never going to change. you need to talk to him ..
it's also his fault. try to talk to him. and yes while you were wrong for checking his emails, but i guess, if he didn't have anything to hide, why's he so worried then? Those pictures were just proof. confront him. in a calm manner
yea man, come out to him so you wouldn't have to keep snooping. and if things are as you have described, it's understandable to be jealous.
When you're checking his email, that spells "trouble." I did that too, and things turned out badly and my boyfriend and I actually broke up because of what I read. Anyway we're trying to get back together now, and now I sometimes still have the impulse to want to check his email...but basically after we broke up he changed his password, and I'm never going to ask for it EVER again...even though we're stable now. Some things are better left private, you know.
I don't think he respects you. I mean, my boyfriend hangs out with girls too...and sometimes it'd just be him and a girl alone, I sometimes do get insecure, but as soon as he feels my insecurity, he always talk to me about it and also give me the "right" to determine whether it's okay for him to still hang out with someone or not. Anyway, I'm bothered by that girl's way. I hope things get sorted out for you...
i hate girls like that ==
sorry girlfriend, but I think your bf is hiding something from u... it takes two to play this game after all...
That's a tough call to make. Confront everyone involved and get their honest take on what is going on.
I went through a similar situation also. It's clear that your "best friend" isn't exactly being true to you and neither is your bf. :\ If I were you, I'd ditch your friend and confront your bf about this. It's possible that your bf may be hiding something. :\
If I had a dollar for all the times when my friends felt like a sister to a guy and ended up going out, I'd be rich. I'd be jealous too, there are certain things that separate us from being just friends and a couple and she passed the line. Though I'd blame him too, because he couldn't have been all that blind.
@mocha_mel@xanga - i agree. he's just playing dumb so you can blame "the best friend".
Okay.. this seems to be a bit of a sticky situation. Best friends and boyfriends should never really mix like this. I understand that you and this girl were not exactly lifelong best friends, but it is still very fishy. It would not be that big of a deal if she only hung out with him when there was a group of people, but the fact that she hangs out with him just as much as you do if not more, is unexcusable. And if you checked his email she had sent pictures to him of herself.. obviously little sisters do not send seductive pictures to their older brothers. Your best bet would be to confront him about your worries. Tell him you are afraid that this girl has stronger feelings for him then she lets on. That there are certian things that girls do when they like a boy, since you are a girl and you would know, and that you see these extra signs that tells that she likes him. Ask him if he can have a talk to her of some sorts. And maybe this can all be resolved..
If he says that you are being paranoid and unjust then obviously you will know that he is hiding something. Simply because there are emails on his site with the pictures. You do not have to let him know you saw the emails.. but by doing it this way and talking to him you will atleast be able to figure out the truth. If he is cheating on you then its best to end it. And if he is not physically cheating but is keeping things from you then he still might not be worth your time.
I have a friend who always steals my boyfriends or guys that I like. I learned to become better "friends" with her but never bring her around my guys. Maybe you can even get in goody goody with this girl. Start spending a little time with her to keep her from spending time with him..
Just ideas :)
I feel like it’s really my problem and not his because I know he would never cheat.
ARE U FREAKING SERIOUS????????? UR MAN IS NOT BEING REAL WITH U AND NIETHER IS THAT HOMEWRECKER FRIEND OF YOURS. IF U WANT TO SIT THERE AND THINK YOUR MAN IS INNOCENT U GO RIGHT AHEAD. ITS OBVIOUS WHATS GOING ON. EVERYONE THAT READ THIS STORY KNOWS IT AS WELL AS I DO AND U MEAN TO TELL ME U DONT SEE IT. GOODLUCK!!!!!
I'm sorry if this sounds mean, harsh, or if no one agrees, but it sounds to me like you have a cheater on your hands. And any girl should know that the way she is acting towards him is obvious affection and a sign to me that they're hiding something. And those pictures? That's just icing on the cake. I could be wrong, but if I were in that situation, I would confront the hell out of both of them, and she would no longer be a friend. I would leave him and make sure he understands what has been done. You have every right to be upset and angry. As far as the emails, I think we've all done that at some point, whether we trust or not. It's just instinct. Trust what your mind tells you to do. Not what you think others find appropriate. That is your business and your situation. Best of luck.
It's not your fault. It's her. I don't blame you. She should just back off! >:O
Just tell your girlfriend to back off.
Slap that effin bitch.
& go hang out with a hotter guy :)
let's see how he starts to feeeel
;)