Over the last couple months, I've been experimenting with meeting people online, in bars, and exploring other avenues of meeting and dating people that I know absolutely nothing about instead of the usual method of meeting people through friends and groups. I've met a lot of people, hit it off with some, haven't met that special person yet, but just generally have had a good time. Unfortunately, my ideas on dating don't seem to be shared by most people, and it's been the cause of some frustration.
There are two major things that bother me about dating random people, and the first is specific to online dating: people who just want to talk. It's like, look, I meet strangers all the time, in bars, on the street, wherever. I talk to those people. Meeting and talking to new people is a normal form of social interaction. I don't want to spend a month trying to get to know you online before you are comfortable meeting in person. This might be acceptable if you lived far away and meeting wasn't an option, but not when you live within easy driving distance. If you have some sort of social disorder where you are afraid to talk to me, I'm not going to enable you, go see a counselor.
For both my safety and yours, we're meeting in a public place, so what's the big deal? Besides, until I've met you, I'm not going to tell you much about myself anyway. For all I know, maybe you're not that cute girl in the picture; maybe you're a 37 year old man who is looking for some easy identity theft. You want to know where I work, where I go to school, about my family, who I hang out with? Until we've met, not gonna happen, and that makes it hard to get to know one another. Another key factor here is that I don't want to get to know you, start to like you, and then meet and find out that you've gained 100 lbs since your profile picture was taken. Not only have then I wasted a month getting to know you, but I'm heartbroken because I've fallen for a girl that doesn't exist. She exists inside of you. Somewhere. Maybe you ate her.
The other thing that frustrates me is the amount of time that people seem willing to go out and get to know someone before reaching a conclusion about that person. I think I can speak better here through a few examples.
- I went to lunch with a girl I met in a bar once. We sort of hit it off, after the bar we went to breakfast, and we ended up going to lunch between classes one day during the week, and later made plans for an actual date. She ended up working late, and our date got postponed, and when she showed up, she told me she was tired and had things to take care of, and so our date was shortened to just dinner. That was the last time I saw her; she told me that she didn't feel a connection.
- I met a girl online, we talked for bit online, and then on the phone. She lived in Indy, and I went there and took her out. We walked along the canal, got drinks, and talked a lot. Things seemed to go well; we kissed, and over the next few nights, we would talk to each other on the phone until 5 or 6 a.m. We had a date planned for the following Saturday, and she accepted my invitation to visit earlier and come up Friday night and stay that night. I was tired, from staying up and talking to her late every night, and so I didn't call her Thursday night. Friday, I had expected to hear from her, since she didn't know where I lived, and so 3 hours before she was supposed to be here, I sent her a message with directions. She replied that she was having second thoughts, and that I seemed to be too much for her.
Both situations left me feeling like I'd never even been given much of a chance. In the first situation, I found myself wondering what kind of connection she was expecting over dinner. I feel that connections are made when people are interacting, and doing something enjoyable - not over dinner, which I feel is more like an interview. In the second situation, despite the long phone calls, I feel like she really didn't get to know me at all. I'm the guy that invites friends over to play board games, and she felt that I was too wild; something just doesn't make sense there. I do go out a lot, but that's just because of what my current friends want to do. I took her out because staying in, ordering pizza, and playing board games, didn't seem to be formal enough for a date.
I don't know if it's just me, but I feel like you don't get to really know a person until after the third date. The first date gives you a first impression and allows you to decide if you're attracted to the person. The second and third dates, you're still trying to impress the person, so you take her out and do something nice. You're also trying to decide if you're interested. After the third date, you have a pretty good idea of where things are going, and you scale back. You start to get comfortable with the other person, and instead of going out on a date, maybe you just stay in, order pizza, cuddle, and watch a movie. You start opening up to each other, and start to get to know what the person is really like - you've gotten past the exterior.
To me, it's simple; unless you're ugly or have kids, the first date is a freebie. I like going out and doing things, so your presence is really only required so that I don't feel like a loser who goes to dinner alone. Honestly, I might even go out with someone who had kids, so long as she understood that it was just for fun and that I had no interest in being a baby daddy. If you're ugly - sorry, but I will have to look at you. After the first date, if you seem cool, we go out more. After the third date, I decide if you're the type of person that I'd like to have in my life, and get to know better. At some point after that, I decide if you're the type of person that I would want to be in a relationship with, and things go from there.
Is that not normal? Assuming she's attracted to me, am I asking too much by expecting that the person will actually get to know the real me before cutting me off? Is this whole third date thing totally out of line? Am I moving too slow by expecting connections to be formed, and not expecting love at first sight?
Recommend
Comments (19)
Romantic ....
I think I know why you're having problems... it's because you're a jerk.
Take your own advice,
"I'm not going to enable you, go see a counselor."
Why do people think you're a jerk? I don't get it. I think you make sense, but sometimes you have to understand that it is possible to just know if you're not gonna hit it off. I've noticed that with myself and guys before. I think it's a hormonal or pheromone thing, or some little ticks in your personality that clash. Either way, better to know sooner than later.
Your three-date plan seems perfectly reasonable... I follow that kind of pattern myself. But you have to understand that not everybody thinks alike. Some girls meet guys, and they can immediately tell that they just don't "click." If you meet someone who's willing to throw away the opportunity of being with you after one date, then maybe that's not the kind of person you want to be with anyway.
Hmmm, I kind of agree with you and kind of disagree with you. I am also trying this dating online thing; I had series of first and second dates with four guys and that's as far as it went. Whatever connection a guy might have felt due to my social and personable self didn't quite come to contact with me. So no 3rd dates... In the 'dating' phase of getting to know someone better than jumping the gun on the 'exclusive' stage, I agree with you 100%. However I think this might have been what happened.
With the girl that you met at the bar, she was probably expecting some sparks to fly over dinner but she didn't exactly give you a fair trial. Afterall, she was the one tired and not focused, even if there had been sparks, she probably didn't pick it up since she was thinking about going home and crashing. But with the girl you spent hours on the phone with, the fact that you invited her to stay the night might have thrown her off. The idea of staying over at someone's house; albeit it's a person you've spent hours on the phone, implies that things are moving beyond the second/third date scenario. She was probably scared and chickened out last minute with the poor excuse that you're too "wild" because she concluded that you invite girls that you don't know to stay the night at your place more often than not. On that note, you have to admit... the fact you invited a stranger to your place, someone that hardly knows you, was a bit risky, no?
But generally, first dates ARE interviews. It's a 'date' to see if you have any chemistry, physical attraction at an obvious level and if you aren't a complete weirdo who did a switch during the message exchanges and what not. I usually expect a few messages to come by before the phone, then in person. If I see that the punctuation and/or grammar is missing in those messages, I'm probably not going to bother. It's my own criteria for such things, lol. Anyways, people usually don't want to keep finding out, they want instant gratification, that skin tingling magical feeling and well... "the click." It might seem unfair but if I was dating you and you didn't feel it and I did... if you agreed to keep dating me for 2-3 dates afterwards, you'd be leading me on, no? lol Good luck dating!! :D
@OstentatiousEloquence@xanga - I think this might be why people would be saying he is a jerk. - "I don't want to get to know you, start to like you, and then meet and find out that you've gained 100 lbs since your profile picture was taken. Not only have then I wasted a month getting to know you, but I'm heartbroken because I've fallen for a girl that doesn't exist. She exists inside of you. Somewhere. Maybe you ate her." and "unless you're ugly or have kids"
---------
Anyways, I wouldn't go so far as to start name calling but I would say that maybe you should just work on yourself a bit and eventually things will work out in your favor.
@ophelias_last_words@xanga - Good comment. Exactly what I would have commented, if you didn't beat me to it. :)
@flowerspushthrudirt@xanga - I think it is entirely reasonable for the author of this entry to think it is entirely deceptive to post a picture of yourself that does not accurately represent what you look like now, in the present. People are a package; personality and brains absolutely matter, but not to the exclusion of the physical self. Some people like big girls some people like thick girls; in this case it appears that the author here doesn't. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I do think that there is something wrong with being a big or thick girl and positing a picture of yourself from when you weren't, or a picture from when you were a varsity athlete and then decided drinking games were a better sport, if you know what I mean. I agree that the use of "ugly" is unwarranted in any and every instance it is used, because I believe in the beauty of everyone, but at the same time this isn't a philosophical post discussing the mechanics of language. He is simply saying that he would like it if the pictures used online accurately conveyed the physical beauty of the individual, so he can accurately assess whether the person is attractive or not to him. Sure, he could have worded things better to come off less abrasive, but I think he was trying for some sort of comedy, especially lines like "She exists inside of you. Somewhere. Maybe you ate her." Cut him some slack. I thought this post was actually really... well-thought-out.
Maybe you shouldn't look for people to date in the wrong places...such as the Internet or a bar....
@xthread@xanga - I was stating that those were probably the reasons that others called him a jerk. But I don't see where you got the idea that I wasn't cutting him slack. Those probably ARE the reasons that others called him a jerk.
As for my own opinion of working on himself and things will eventually work out in his favor, well, I hold that same opinion of everyone. I feel that everyone should constantly better themself. And things will work out better for them.
Now, even though you were disagreeing with what you thought was my opinion, when I didn't even state my opinion, I will tell you that I agree with you, any deception is wrong. But, I don't think the people said he was a jerk because he didn't want to be decieved. I think people said he was a jerk because he automatically ruled out and made fun of people who are overweight. It was in how he said it.
you contradicted your own mentality of "giving people a chance" with the second to last paragraph. the girls you spoke about probably decided at first date, or second, that you didn't seem cool, or that they don't want you in their life; therefore there is no desire to spend the time knowing more about you.
nothing complicated. you're on the same wavelength as they are.
you sound like you know what you want. but honestly, if you want to find a deep, meaningful relationship. you want a girl that you have some kind of connection with, then you shouldn't worry about trying to find her. you never know, she might be right under your nose....and you just need to wait til she shows up. but the bar scene. not a really good place to look for a girl unless you want a one night stand. trust me. i know. i've done that so many times.lol. chics that go to the bar on weekends only want one or two things. to have a good time, and/or to get laid. i am a girl, so i should know! LOL.
Dont beat yourself up over not "clicking" wit a girl or not being able to go on any second or third dates just yet. Usually for girls, they just get a vibe from a guy they meet, and they usually play from that...you know, on whether or not they decide to date you anymore. If they dont want to go on anymore dates, maybe its just because your not really their type. not that they dont like you.... just things aren't "clicking in" for them, and there's no commonalities between you two. If you think you guys could probably hit it off, then just find something you both have in common. next time you go on a second date or something, ask the girl what SHE would like to do. then, she knows that you're really interested in her
There's also the girl who thinks that because you're "talking" that you're dating. Or maybe you haven't encountered that girl yet.
@flowerspushthrudirt@xanga - Fair enough. I didn't mean to jump all over you. Your position is entirely correct.
@blogsmack@xanga - You might be right about that much. He does seem to have some character defects that come across a little strongly in this post.
@thetaterisawesome@xanga - WORD!
I think.... you have some good points to the 3 dates theory.. at the same time, you shouldn't be too upset about those other girls where YOU didn't last in their 3+ dates.
pizza and board gaems sounds like a fabulous date to me :)...in had dates like that....and i tell ya, playing board games with someone is a great way of getting to kno them and their playful side!
Online dating comes with a lot of barriers so it's going to take longer to get to know a girl. Why don't you try to take the initiatives and ask them out on another date to try to get to know more about each other before they think they've reached an outcome?
@Leitey@xanga - You do have verbal talents! In fact, this: "It is true that each person has value, and I would like to believe that I keep an open mind in my friendships, and treat everyone with respect. In my dating life, however, I am somewhat exclusive. When I am looking for someone to date, I am looking for the whole package. I want someone who is attractive physically, intellectually, and emotionally. Two out of three won't cut it. By the same token, I wouldn't date someone who I couldn't have an intellectually stimulating conversation with- no matter how physically and/or emotionally attractive they were. I don't believe that this is an unreasonable position." = Something I'm stealing, because it was perfect. Hope you don't mind.