(Originally posted on my other blog
here.)
In South Asia and in the Middle East, arranged marriages are a part of tradition. Before the crossing to America, in aristocratic and royal families in Europe - and still sometimes today - marriages were arranged to ensure money married more money, and royalty kept their name alive on the throne.
But outside of these and other certain conditions, why would a family feel the need to promise one child to another before the rest of sane America - assuming there is such a thing - usually considers themselves ready for marriage? When my friend called me today in a frenzy, I found myself racking my brain for an answer to that same question. In fact, I still am trying to figure it out.
My southern, white, Christian friend called me today at around 6:40 this evening. Her parents recently heard of a couple they knew that arranged a marriage for their lonely, 33-year old son and decided that sounded like a good idea for their daughter. She was apparently in tears as the world seemed to hit her like a ton of bricks - her life was going to be decided for her. Does she get a choice at all? The answer: yes and no. She gets to refuse any boy brought to her by her parents, but she does not get to choose him on her own. Every girl thinks about her wedding: the music, the wedding bells, the car with the tacky but traditional cans and ribbon tied at the bumper, the dress, and the cake, but I am sure not many sensible teenagers would be ready at the age of fourteen.
Despite all of her parents' eccentricities, they really went above and beyond to scare their daughter into believing that they had drug connections - drug connections of which she is probably now wishing she knew. In her mind, with a little help from her good friend (me), she has images of being matched with strange boys, and even being in one of the stranger match-ups where her father comes home with a couple and their infant to whom she is to be promised. What a joy!
When I was originally told this, I have to admit, I thought her parents were kidding, knowing her father's odd sense of humor, but after hearing the tone in her mother's voice about "making a list of what makes up her type of guy" I realized that this kooky family has just gotten kookier. Googling recent arranged marriages, I found that this mostly Indian tradition arises in America in cases of adults from the ages 25-45.
Families and other concerned folk get together and become a physical eHarmony.com for their loved one. Which, I suppose, makes sense. By that age, biological clocks begin to tick by just a tad bit faster, and many parents and grandparents worry about such a thing. But for a middle class family simply doing it because they can, it seems a little cruel.
Looking at debates of whether arranged marriages are right, many women seem to be completely miserable under such a negotiation. Many problems that arise are bigamists that just want another wife to add to the bunch, domestic abuse within the home, or just a clashing of personalities due to not actually knowing one another until the two are to be wed.
Here's to hoping her parents do not find anyone any time soon, and instead, forget about ever making such a plan in the first place. I am glad to be eighteen and about to enter college. I get to choose who I want, when I want.
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Comments (24)
It's strange when we let people run our lives
Dramatic! My parents came up with a plan like this once, but I'm pretty sure they were joking... being that I ended up marrying the very antithesis to what they expected. ;D
Good luck to your friend. I hope her parents forget, too. If all else fails, she does NOT have to marry anyone her parent's drag in. If all else fails, she can leave when she's old enough, and with the help of good friends like you, she can start a life of her own, safe from "kooky" ideas. :-/
good luck with that
I couldn't imagine such an important decision such as who I marry be decided for me. its absolutely unthinkable to me, but that's because my family certainly hasn't done that and would never do it.
could she stop this from even going on. her parents doesn't sound like control freaks (which would be a LOT worst than being kooky!), and maybe telling them how awfully miserable she is will help. either way, I think being silent about the whole thing will not alleviate the situation.
omg...that's a lot to sink in at one time. i hope and pray that your friends parents change their mind.
good point, domestic abuse is clearly a product of arranged marriages, and never ever occurs in "chosen" relationships.
i have heard lots of success arrange marriages but to me its very made for 35+ people who really do have a biological clock ticking faster than others but then again, if they decide to not get married then i guess no point in arranging since they won't get married anyways!
my mum tried to do that when i turn 18, saying this guy is 33 and hes got a job our family gets along.. since you hate school just get married! like WHAT IS IN HER HEAD?! i dont know, of course i am not going to married at 18 or not even at 28..
i think arrange marriages suck! you miss out on the romantic stuff! :)
I think for some people, they already know it will happen to them so they don't fight the issue. Like my friend who is Hindu ... I asked her about the future and she said "well, my parents are going to arrange my marriage.."
She didn't look sad or mad or anything. I didn't say anything to her, but I do wish she could be able to choose her own boyfriend. But if she doesn't have any complaints, then I shouldn't either. :/
arranged marriages make me sick to my stomach.
sure there are benefits but ugh...
maybe it urks me coz it hits a little closer to home. I have friends in these situations and it sucks stinky butt to be the person having to deal with such arrangement.
Sure, the parents and family are thrilled! But wtf happens to the actual person having to sleep with and have a family with that stranger?!
Love love love. stand up make a choice.
anyway... most of my friends who are muslim have to sneak around in regards to relationships coz their parents would freak.
My fiance is Muslim, I'm Catholic (technically, we consider ourselves more agnostic than anything if one must lable) and his parents have not a clue that we're still together. And neither end knows we're even engaged.
And we've been going out for over 2 years, engaged for over a year!
We try to fight these things... but being 18 turning 19, just finished with one year of college and 3 more to go, this scares me a little to think about how *fun* it will be come time to tell them "hey folks, we decided to say fuck off our lives coz we're getting married"
what urks me more is these parents are mostly arranged themselves... so if they know how miserable it feels (and they do since my friends tell me they fight a lot, verbally and physically), then why bother trying to force that same life upon your child? That's just sick, masochistic even!
blah blah blah. Refute me, I don't care.
When most Americans get married, we do it when we are the most in love with someone. The highest state of love. Staying at that level of love throughout the marriage is hard to do, and a lot of times you just go down. With an arranged marriage you're not in love with him or her and can either fall in love as you get to know them, or not.
Of course, I'd rather fall in love and get married than hope to fall in love someday after the marriage.
This is a problem, we make our own choices according to our Own self interest. I do not feel the parents have any right to make such a bold statement and feel that it is their choice to do so. It actually bothers me a bit because that choice was not governed by culture. to me it only seems to be driven by their own selfishness, here's to her going on with her life without their foolish guidance =o
immaairheadxl@xanga - you are awesome.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - But how many women in arranged marriages are allowed to get a divorce? Not many, I'd imagine. If you're told who and when you're to marry, you're probably told whether or not you're allowed to end the relationship.
What the hell? In America you can't force anyone to marry anyone. This whole situation could be solved by saying "No." I don't even understand how this could be a problem. If my parents told me they were going to choose who I'd marry, I'd laugh in their faces. Why is that? Because this is a democracy... which means I can choose. And I'm definitely not going to give up my right to make the most important decision of my life, just to give it to some idiot who thinks marrying someone I don't love would be best for me. This is just so dumb.
There is a difference between an arranged marriage and a forced one.
She's 14, and her parents are telling her to marry a 33yearold?! WTF, crazy.
My parents already know that I hate arranged marriages & will never do that stuff. I don't want to miss out on the romantic things & not be in a relationship (at least four years ahem) BEFORE the marriage. Thankgod they agree to my opinion of arranged marriage.
I hope your friend's parents realize to stop controlling their daughter's life. Let her make her own decisions. Besides, if you get her into an arranged marriage, the guy could be a rapist for all you know. So many risks when you're in an arranged marriage.
is that even legal here? i bet she could argue the right to her own life...
I think that arranged marriages can work if both people have the same opinions about it and the same level of commitment to it. It also helps to come from a culture where arranged marriage is common.Â
However, in a situation like this one, it sounds crazy. Why are her parents doing that? And how old is she? I'm pretty sure in that situation, when I was old enough to physically move away from my parents and take care of myself on my own, I would do just that. Why do they have so much say in what she does? She should make her own decision.
Stupid people who have constantly ended up dating jerks and total sluts could benefit from an arranged marriage.
Why isn't this attributed, and linked, to the author's xanga? Did she say she doesn't want it to be?
@the_hidden_angel@revelife - ha-ha yeah, considering how worried she is, she has definitely considered it. i told her, considering her mother's track-record, her parents might forget about this in about a month and so she won't have to worry about it.
@Adnilly@xanga - well she said she talked about it with them and it didn't make a difference. they aren't strict... just strange sometimes...
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - oh yeah, nice sarcasm. i didn't mean that. i just meant that when you are just thrusted into a marriage when you definitely don't know the person you are with. of course it happens in other relationships... that was a minor part of the blog and was just used as an example, nothing more.
@a_single_raindrop@xanga - yeah. that was what someone else said to me. but what made it weird was she has not traditional family like that. i made the point to one commentor on my xanga that i think if i was raised in it, i may not fight it as much... i may not enjoy the idea too much, but when your parents are not traditional like that and just one day decide it sounds "neat" to do, then it can be a little.... cruel(?) for the child.
@abh816@xanga - there is a certain level of respect you still have to withhold with your parents and by laughing in their faces--despite your actual cultural ideals--is rude.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - and to an extent this isn't forced. she gets to say yes or no.
@spanz@xanga - you misunderstood... that was the story that her parents heard and then decided to try with her... the 33-year old was a part of the anecdote.
@LaBellaMorena - she's about to be fifteen.
@KasumiCelesta@xanga - Nice observation. That isn't her, though.
@sparkylightning540@xanga - Laughing in your parents face IS rude... but I think a little rudeness is fine when your idiot parents are trying to tell you that they are going to choose who you marry, when they have no right at all.
Fuck respect. I wouldn't have an ounce of respect for the psychos, because they obviously don't have an ounce of respect for her.
I like the Idea of arranged marriage because I can't find a real woman who would love a man with real values. I am a solid Bible believing Christian with a decent job I have had for over 12 years. I have a house and no debt and treat women very well. Women don't seem to be attracted to me because they like jerks and when they have kids, they divorce the man because he is a lousy father. Women have no clue what a good man is and don't care who would be a good husband and father. They are not programmed to love a man that treats them well and would not cheat on her. I am 41 and have dated many women and have never been married! Just this culture!
In nearly all arranged or assisted marriages in America the son or daughter has the option to veto the situation. It may sound like crazy talk for people to actually be considering it, but it sounds crazier to me than our American cultural craziness to go through the serial dating "college experience". I'm an RA, and I see many of the girls bringing guys home for one-night stands or having to get abortions, or just getting their hearts broken over and over again. No wonder our marriages are in trouble.