The truth is, I'm a terrible person and a horrible lover in real life. Now I'm about to spill the beans out on this brand new page. You can read, and I'll allow you to judge too. Here's a low down on what's going through my life right now.
I live in a glamorous city in Asia where the city lights continue to blind you even after past 3 a.m. (literally because of all the light pollution). I have a love/hate relationship with Hong Kong. The dynamic city can push you to your limits and let you get lost in all the action, lust and lights. Being at the centre of everything makes you alive strangely. At the same time, you can feel so suffocated and trapped like the greenhouse gas that you just can't wait to escape from the turbulence and find peace from elsewhere. Welcome to my conflicting world.
I'm not single but I tell people I am because of a tormenting long distance relationship that I'm hoping to get out of (I try to feel guilty and my friends response by saying I'm just being rational). I have a thing for Caucasians; it's just born in my blood but it's not absolute either. Sorry, but I'm not trying to be discriminative. Can't help it if I'm only comfortable dating guys who speak fluent English.
My life was peaceful and boring until recently, when my life started to revolve around not just one, but three different guys. I am in love with one of them, was in love with another and never in love with the last.
B is my long-distance European soul mate. He came to Hong Kong two years ago for a short trip. He said it was love at first sight when he saw me. Knowing that he wasn't going to stay for long, I started with a casual attitude and never thought things would be so serious. Alas, we have been long-distancing for two years and have not seen each other for nearly eight months. Things have not been smooth between us. There is no concrete timeframe about when we can finally be together or who's going to work where. Uncertainty puts an itch in my bones. I love him...but what if I can't have him finally?
Being a terrible lover, I started to think about getting out of this agonizing/bittersweet/on the phone/neverending/unrealistic relationship. That's when I met Lover No. 2. I was hurt...terribly. Was it my fault and was I to blame? Perhaps because I let the rush of meeting someone new and being in the dating field again to go straight up my heart without passing through my central nervous system.
I met him in a club (what was I thinking, right?). He is of European origin and has lots of cash. He's successful in his career, owns a big house in Mid Levels and drives an outrageously gorgeous car. He is, of course, trying to impress me with all these and yes, I admit I am shallow and materialistic at points. He's a lot older than I, a man of experience (maybe too much and that's why i got heartbroken without even knowing it happened). He dated me only after a few weeks we met. The intellectual conversation, the sparkle in his blue eyes and his sincere smile made me believe he was genuinely interested in who I am. His charm and gentlemanly behavior only captured my attention more. His eagerness for a second date and a third convinced me maybe something could work out here.
I gave in to his sweetness and asked him if he was serious about me. He told me, he was and it had been a long time since he found someone he liked in this never sleeping city. I crumbled and let him take over me. When we were about to part, he asked if I wanted to see him again because he does.
I honestly believed him and waited. and waited and waited and waited... for a month for him to make another move. Feeling uneasy all along, worried that he would not live up to his promise, finding excuses for him. And my heart broke into a million pieces after coming home one night, realizing that he'll never call and that I'll never see him again. My friends told me I'm in love with his house and his car. But I know it's more than that. I'm in love with a hope that I thought he could give me. A shadow, a future I conjured up with the things he did, a sense of security I thought I could find. He's perfect in my mind, but he's a disappointingly jerk in real life.
Now I'm supposed to face B when I'm getting all upset about another guy. Do I still love him? How could I when I'm like an open tap for days, crying for this lover no. 2? I had doubts about my love for B and at the same time hurting over the other guy. My dilemma is not over. In the midst of trying to get over lover no. 2, I met A unexpectedly, randomly and just simply fated-ly? I think A deserves an apology from me, because as I never meant to hurt him, I think I did...
Am I an unloving bitch? Maybe I am, but I'm trying to improve.
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Comments (22)
In my opinion, long distance relationships never seem to work, especially if there is no set time of when you know you'll get to be together in the end (such as waiting for college to end, switching jobs, moving to a new city to be closer, etc.) As for the second guy: I've learned that guys will say anything to keep you happy for the time being. Once he left, he probably moved on. Not trying to be rude, but guys are like that. And the third guy you didn't talk much about so I can't help you there. Just do what makes you happy and don't worry about finding a guy. Let him come to you. Be yourself. And hope for the best. There's someone out there who will be perfect for you.
As soon as I read the description, I thought "HK" before you even said it yourself :p anyway long distance relationships are hard, and it seems like it's burdening you too much, so why don't you just end it? Save yourself and your boyfriend some agony. It is a little cliche, but if you don't let go of him, both of you guys won't be able to find the right person. You're just wasting each other's time. As for the 2nd guy, I really think it's just infatuation. You said so yourself that you were attracted to materialistic things. He's probably YOUR TYPE of guy, and therefore you want to cling onto it. But guys like that--who are mature and successful--probably hop from girl to girl. I'm not saying he definitely does, but it would be easy, right? I'd say don't put too much into it.
You asked whether you still loved your boyfriend, but that's a question that only you can answer. I say it is possible that you still love him, but you're not in love with him anymore. The feelings probably changed in the midst of all the negative emotions faced by the relationship...
Anyway, good luck....
sounds like something i would see in an asian drama. you fall in and out of love too easily. perhaps you were greedy? too many guys...you need to set your heart & emotions straight.
Um..o..kay...that sucks?
Try to find a guy who's good for you and will keep you happy for the rest of your life then?
Do you feel lonely? Do you enjoy the attention these guys give you? Long distance relationship is not going to work. Many men on business trip are not looking for a girl to settle down with. They just want to fool around in their short business trip and leave. Then, when they are around they area, they hope for your wait to hear from them.
This is just me, but I never really had any luck with long distance relationships, and believe me I tried one or two. The one guy turned out to be gay (story of my life) and the other had a girlfriend off the Internet and had a bunch of pseudo-girlfriends all over the Internet.
Sounds like you have an environmental problem. Things would be great if
you could move to where B is, but life doesn't always work out so easy
like that, right? Hope you do well, and no you're not a bad person. You
just have a bad situation.
I think you're just bored that's why you're semi-hurt that the second lover left you. He seemed like those that can make your dreams come true and (everything good). There as your original lover is long distance. Which never seems to work. And as you dont see them often, your mind tends to wandering. Thinking there's someone better for you out there.
lols, just rambling.
All I have to say is there are no good guys at Prive
a
And the battle rages on between the head and heart. Girls seem to have a harder time with the latter than guys.
Okay, so here's my take on this: You're frantic right now. You're feeling trapped and scared...cornered by this LDR. If you're looking for someone else, you're not ready for him. In fact, I'm thinking you're not ready for anyone just now. And hey, no judgement...I've been there. I've felt that frantic feeling of wanting to escape, meeting guy after guy, some being who you thought, but most not...and it all stemmed from a frantic need to escape, to change my situation no matter what happened.
So here's my advice to you....get out of your LDR. You'll hurt him, and you may hurt for a while, but this relationship isn't good for you anymore. And then just be single for a while. Don't date anyone after him. Not for a while, anyway. Take the time to go out and find your niche in this city of yours. Explore the culture of it (and every city has its own). Museums, shows, galleries...explore so you can find yourself.
It worked for me. Because you won't be able to make anyone else happy until you know how to make yourself happy.
Just some thoughts.
-Katie
only Caucasian men speak fluent english? hmm, i had no idea. So the language I hear all these African American, Latino, Asian, Native American, Indian, etc men speaking here in America, what language is that? Please inform me :)
I'm not knocking your attraction to Caucasian men, but darlin they are surely not the only men who speak fluent English, lol.
Good Luck in your romantic endeavors.
@PrityBrwnEys@xanga - certainly agree that not only Caucasians speak English but just somehow somewhat personal preference =) and thanks
@torisun@xanga -lol i agree...now i'm getting bored with Prive, might try somewhere else. Any suggestions?
@imburningstarrIV@xanga - yea
the long distancing is definitely dragging my life down, but deep down
I know i still love him. It's hard to let go when you're still in love.
The second guy is well...basically a jerk. As for the third, he's
actually mentioned in my second post on xanga, check it out if you want
to =)
@charm2030 - oh really? HK is the first thing that pops to your head? that's interesting :) You from here too? About that mature successful guy, I bumped into him at the infamous Lan Kwai Fong one night...talk about coincidence.
@asdfghjkieu@xanga - my life is pretty much a roller coaster lately...yea pretty dramatic but 100% real. But right now life is more settled, as the story continues on my xanga hehe.
@psykoaznballa@xanga - girls are emotional animals. Ok maybe not all but me at least.
@akatiegirl - It's so hard to end the LDR. He's really a guy that i love alot and still do. If this relationship fails, it's only because of the distance and somehow i'm just not willing to give up because of that. But it's been at the back of my head, that this won't work either ways :(
@How2BeAsian@xanga - this expat..I'll say is a good experience for me anyways. At least now, i'll keep a lookout for heartbreakers like him.
@torisun@xanga - P.S. How'd u know it's Prive???
Okay, I'm going to be the meanest one out of this all
I've had my share of bad. But jesus christ that is bad.
The boyfriend B deserves better than you. Sorry. If you were unhappy with him. or were doubting it you should have got out of the relationship. And I'm sorry but, what goes around comes around.
You cheated, and got fucked over. Thats called Karma.
So I say break up with your LDR boyfriend. And stop wasting his time. & Just stay single for a while. you need to set your priorities straight.
Sorry if I'm too harsh.
@singleville@xanga - aren't they all at Prive? especially the well-off but not so nice ones ...since HK is sooo small, wouldn't be surprised if I actually know you in real life
Jesus Christ! Your story seems to have come straight out of TVB! Maybe you should go into showbiz.
As for advice, I really don't have anything useful to say to you except that maybe you should consider dating other ethnic groups besides Caucasians, who are notorious (at least those who go overseas to do business) for fucking and then leaving without a word then coming back expecting some free pussy because you've been waiting for him for months on end thinking you and him had a "thing" going--and that's 'somehow' very romantic and desirable for you. There are movies based on this precise theme made right there in your hometown. How can you not know about this phenomenon?
@singleville@xanga - Did you delete the comment you wrote to me?
@lolquack@xanga - did i? I don't think so....If I did, I'm sorry but I probably pressed something wrongly?
@TomTea - hmmm yes i guess Caucasians are notorious for that. Im not saying i wont date guys other than Caucasians, just haven't met the one who clicked yet. And I tend to communicate a little bit better with them that's all. Yes it's cliche. And i think i suck at this dating game. P.S. maybe i should go for TVB....lol