Tuesday, 12 May 2009
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My Ex Is No Good But I Feel Like I Should Go Back to Her
I graduated from college a few years back and started to date this girl who knew me back in high school. Everything started out rather nicely, and in comparison to my previous relationship, it got pretty sexual pretty quickly. I didn't mind it, and the girl was rather nice and understanding of past/current issues: I was/am a recovering cutter (psych major in college, so I know a lot about this area and have studied it in depth) and family issues (who doesn't have them?). She was going to be graduating from college a semester early - she was interested in law, which I was/am too; however, she was planning on law school right after college, while I wanted to work, and well, after a thesis and two massive research papers in college, I also wanted to rest. I had also gotten an invite to go to MLB tryouts down in Philly, but things didn't go as well as I'd hoped. I did well initially, but I broke my hand at a point during the tryouts, which effectively ended it. My ex was there for me when I didn't do well in the tryouts and made me feel really good about even making it as far as I did.
Things started to get a little out of hand some three months in, when my one of my best friends called me asking for advice and help. I agreed to meet my friend and chat - she needed advice about her BF and needed my opinion. My ex got really upset that I met with my friend, but it's not like my ex and I had anything planned for the day; she was working and I was chillin' on the beach (I was being a bum that summer).I suddenly found myself constantly reassuring her that I liked her and that she was pretty. At some point, she changed from som eone who cared about my problems or was there for me when I needed to get out of my house 'cause my parents were divorcing, to someone who needed me to make her the center of my world. I am extremely sweet and caring (my friends' words, not mine) and began to try to make her feel like she was special. It really was never enough for her at all; she made rules that she expected me to follow and I basically had to tell her what I was up to at all times. At the same time, though, she was uber sweet to me and would cuddle with me or give me back massages, etc.
It was like this for a while, and as she got more controlling, I got sicker and sicker; I couldn't stay healthy or get to the gym, I'd barely eat or see my friends. I threw a New Year's party to have friends over and she wanted to make it a huge theme party and got very upset when I told her my plan and that while her ideas were nice, it was just a simple party with friends. Her demands that I spend all my free time with her got very out of hand after I landed my current job.I needed to prove that I could handle the work, so I was working very hard and rarely with lunch breaks. I would spend hours on the phone with clients and typing away on the computer; I needed her to understand that I couldn't talk with her while at work and at night when I needed to rest. She got very angry and said that I'd never cared along with some other fun things I don't care to repeat. Then on the weekends, she would apologize over and over again and would want to have sex. I got sick at work one day with a migraine and still came to work the next day, only to be sent home at 4 p.m. because I couldn't see or type. I was supposed to spend the weekend with her, but I wanted to cancel because I was ill; she went crazy and started to scream that I didn't care and all I was doing was using her for sex etc.
We fought for two hours and I was, like, "look, if I'm better, I'll come to see you." I didn't feel great but still drove to see her - I got hugs and kisses and she bought me a smoothie, too.
I had my first vacation at my new job - a week in Florida! - and went with my sis and dad. She couldn't come because it was a fam thing and she was looking at law schools. While down there, I called to say hi, that my brother was coming down and that I would talk to her the next day. It turned into a mini-fight that preceded the three hour one at night.
After that fight, I was, like, "look, I'm done. If you do not want to try to work this out where you give me some space so I can do my job and see friends, then I'm done." I finally put my foot down. That was last March.
My problem is, and I've gone on a number of dates since, is that sometimes I feel like she is watching me and that I should go back to her even though she caused major issues (I was 165 when i met her, in really good shape for baseball, no injuries. When I broke up with her, I was 130 and couldn't run a mile). I am now a semi-healthy 150 (nerve damaged in arm and a damaged shoulder) - I can run and stay in good shape, just consider myself semi-healthy 'cause of the need for arm surgery. I recently went out with this girl I like a lot and told her that i like her, but found myself thinking omg, my ex would hate her. It's not something I like to have in my head. I really dislike my ex and never want to deal with her again, and yet I cannot get her out of my life... wtf? Why is it so hard to let go of this ****? I really do not want to ever be with her again!
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- From: surfingrock
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 1249 Comments: 0 26 View all posts by surfingrock
Comments (28)
It's simple, she left imprints all over your brain. Good or bad, she left a mark. You dont want to be in this controlling relationship, she seems clingy and insecure for the most part. If she craves that much attention from you, she's definitely insecure. And from reading what you've written so far, it sounds like she would be the type of person that will hold you back. She's trying to stay one step ahead of you. It's going to be hard to let go, but you're going to need to work harder than that.
You may never forget her but you'll learn to stop letting the thought of her stop you from doing what makes you happy. Good luck! And remember, DONT GO BACK!!!
C0mment ...
=(
you sound like a nice guy. from what i read, she seriously did not deserve you, she had some mega trust issues, very insecure. she must have been pretty for you to hang on for that long even after all her nasty behavior, "kisses and hugs" wont fix that.
in loving relationships there is no such thing as control and distrust. im glad you got rid f her. STAY away, and find someone who will truly care for you and not get you so freaking ILL literally.
Move on, move on, move on. Something happened to her from when she'd be there for you to when she started getting insecure. Tends to happen once the initial excitement wears off. Learned this the hard way being "that girl" many times. What she needs to do is love herself first. She'll learn that in due time. It's a rough road, but by you leaving her is a first step towards that.
Control never belongs in a relationship. Ever.
Nostalgia dude. After going back to her, you're gonna remember (in about a month or two) why you became exes.
Oh, and you're an abuse victim.
Don't believe me?: Let's review
A: you fought often, but quickly made up and had sex, only for shit to go downhill again.
B: she worked her way into your mind and plays the victim. It's sort of like reverse abuse, she makes you into the bad guy and you end up believing you are.
C: Chick is way too clingy and not the type to let you go without a fight.
D: Despite all the abuse, you seem like you're going to forgive her or at least talk to her normally. Big mistake.
E: You're kinda weak. A gentleman is a good thing and a great trait women seek, but you're allowing yourself to be pushed around for somebody else who really couldn't give a shit. She KNOWS you'll break and go back to her.
She apologizes frequently, gives excuses for what you did and makes you out to be the bad guy. Sorry buddy, that's three strikes right there. Don't feel stupid about it though. Men too can fall victim to the vicious cycle of abusive relationships and you're about to make that same mistake. For some goofy reason (nostalgia), you're willing to believe that this person can truly be the only one for you with no real reason other than the possibility of you liking the abuse or that you found comfort in it.
Plus, the forgiveness act never really lasts either. Sure, she's sorry then, but she'll fall back into old habits and shit repeats itself all over again.
If anything, I think you're going back to her not out of love, but out of fear. You're afraid of letting this chick run your life or popping up until your only option would be to go back to her.
You need to get over her completely and remember your own self-worth. Once you do that, you can easily look at her in a negative light and truly understand the damage she's really doing to you (you seem to do that now, but something tells me your emotions don't match this text).
Well if you don't, then stop thinking about it. Easier said than done, but nobody said life is easy.
Good luck. I hope you find a diversion.
you sound like a pretty amazing guy for sticking with her for that long to try to make the relationship work, but good thing you got out of it - as the comments above say, she's insecure and even if she does work on it, it'll probably never go away completely and will probably leave her paranoid occasionally...
she left an imprint on you and the start of the relationship was pretty good, even though you really dislike her now - most people compare their ex's to other potential lovers...i don't really know a way to stop it, but perhaps when you meet someone new that you find amazing thoughts of her will drown out the thoughts of your ex? good luck!
I wish I could answer this! I too have delt with a toxic relationship and still waver with going back. I do know that in my heart of hearts I am better off. I hope that you can figure a way to move on too!
Maybe you're not over here, get over her before you move on. Tell yourself you deserve more than someone telling you what to do at all times.
them psychos...i dont get why they are such nutjobs! they dont love you like they say, it's a control issue. they like to control you and knowing they can makes them feel superior or some shiet. dont show her u fear her! do whatchu want to do and tell her to mind her own business (easier said than done i know) but you have to be harsh or else u will never come out alive! lol
Why is this such an issue for you? Just don't go back to her!
You have NO (and I repeat, NOOOOO) obligations to go back to your ex. You broke up with her for a reason.
im sorry. we were in a similar situation as you, but it wasnt that bad. i never controlled the people he was able to hangout with, but what i got mad at is that we never really spent time together and it almost felt like he had two gfs in his life. There were rare times when were together and one of our friend will be calling him to comeover his house. I guess I complained more than I used to because it just sucks to see our situation. I guess i made him a little insecure too bc he said sometimes he had to watch his back whatever he said or do because I become overly sensitive to evrything. I just hope whatever he feels and whatever you feel dont become a permanent thing in your brain
It's really quite simple. To imprint yourself in someone's mind you can either be extremely cruel or extremely nice. Either would make the person in question think of you (either in a positive way, or a I want to kill him sort of way). You sadly, lie on the "I want to kill her sort of way." The best thing to do for you is just to keep doing what you've been doing. Meet more people, go on more dates and slowly but surely someone else will replace her in your thoughts.
I guess the reason y u r missing her,is ,bcoz u have grown too much emotional about her..blame it on the moments of intimacy that u two shared,and the sweet lil things that u two did together.
i have been into a similar relationship and my bf used to pick up fights with me,without any gr8 reason,on issues tht cud b solved peacefully,and we used to make up again with sex.
i was head over heels for this guy and was willing to forgive him for all the hurts and verbal humiliations that he would blow at me,just to prove him that i loved him.,but he often doubted me of having interest in other guys,which was immaterial.
now that i have another guy in my life,who loves me like crazy,treats me like a princess,and wants to marry me..i still cant devote my 100 pc for this guy,coz thots of my ex still haunt me and gives me the feeling tht i shud go bk to him.it gives me a feeling that if i really loved my ex,i shud have accepted him the way he is..
It is a mental dilemma,but i know,tht if i go bk to him,he wud again start making same demands and expectations..
true that sex has made us emotional for each other,but then the big question is..IS great sex everything to sustain a relationship..if so,then i guess,there would be all arguments throughout the weekdays with love only restricted to the weekends...
choice is urs...
u deserve sm1 who respects u and ur feelings..
PS - u shud make urself believe that no matter how much u love or hate her,the fact is she cant keep u happy and u cant keep her happy..so better to part ways and look further.
Fuck that bitch, you just need to make it clear in your mind that you're done with her.
Same reason I went back to my ex after he raped me. They brainwash you.
You are an abuse victim. It's sexual and emotional abuse, my friend. Your woman is using sex as a tool, and stringing you along because you're both emotional wrecks.
Block her screen name. Call block her. If she comes to your door, don't answer, and if she breaks in call the police.
After I came to my senses and got away from my ex, he tried to run me over in his Jeep. Don't let it get that far.
Chick is WAY TOO controlling. I'd say forget about her, and move on. She's left her mark on you, but do you really want to go back and experience that stupid shit all over again?
i'd like to echo the other's comment of you are better off of her...but you probably don't want to hear that. its not a balm to an itch...which is what you have with your ex. A something that you can't scratch, so it stays annoying.
give yourself some time. its not a marathon to be with someone else. its the 19th century...fuck buddies, booty calls, or friends with benefits are acceptable
i can emphatize to be honest...but i confronted him that one last time...and had an all out emotional break down, up, sideways, and zigzag with him. would that work? or is the situation different.
don't be easy to say you hate her...because in some way i think you don't want to demean yourself of your choice. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.
keep writing.
She practically crawled under your skin and laid bitch eggs. You just need time to remove yourself from her. You'll get over it eventually.
Love is what people always crave for. Be able to cherish love is the
most crucial in order to be happy. Crisis in love is a normal thing to
be happen. We need to know how to handle and take things for our own
love benefit. Mend your love within your heart first, then you mend
your relationship.
Because everything starts in your inner world, the outer world is just
a result of what goes inside you. You attracts what you focus on, and
it will expand.
@Eternal_Nocturne@xanga - i know exactly what ur saying cause while a psych major i may be, i also worked with domestic violence victims in the DA office, so i got to see first hand how abuse plays a role in everything. it took me until i left her to realize that she was abusive, which is too long, cause it had caused major issues at the end. besides the fact that she latched onto someone else like two weeks after we broke up, which would stop me from going back to her. i have no desire to do that ever, she couldnt respect my job or the fact that i needed some space, and i cant live like that ever. it wasnt nostalgia that made me write the post, just the fact that she still can pop in my brain wicked easy is the issue. i think the whole thing stems from wanting to figure out why it went bad overall, i guess i dont understand why it did, other then i dont want to be in a controlling relationship, i would rather see a relationship as where two people can be together and yet have somewhat seperate lives from each other so that neither an be jealous of the others lives and be respectful of their friends etc.
You kind of answered your own question. You said at the end that you never wanted to be with her again, so don't go back. It's simple. Just control yourself so you don't do something stupid.
@eyesochinky@xanga - i agree with everything you said!
But yeah, just stay far far away from her. she sounds very controlling, and she is deffinitely holding you back. and she HAD been there and all, so it's understandable that she came across your mind. dont worry about it and just push it to the back of your head! Concentrate on the now :]