I want to make a short post addressing what people on this site seem to confuse for f*** buddies. This past week or so, Datingish has come out with a couple threads concerning f*** buddies.
I have no problems with f*** buddies - anyone who reads my blog would know this. I think the idea of having one is great and I would recommend it for any college kid that is open enough to try. The problem here on Xanga is that people seem to believe that when you have a f*** buddy that it means you have no other connections. Uh, hello? The word buddy is right in there. Let me define some things for you here:
This is a person who has been a pretty good friend to you for a while. Now he or she doesn't exactly have to be your BFF, but you should be on pretty good terms. This is the person that you've hung out with for years (or maybe at least a couple of months) and then one day you guys decide to f***. It's an awkward next day, but you both handle it well.
After a while, these fuck sessions become routine. You guys aren't in a relationship, oh no. But you have taken your friendship further. If one of you ever needs an extra cuddle or is just ready to get down and dirty, your friend with benefits will be there.
Fuck Buddy: a fuck buddy is almost like a friend with benefits, except you don't have that same level of friendship. But you are, to some degree, friends! This
isn't just a I-call-you-up-we-bang-then-you-leave type of relationship. This is someone who you can feel comfortable with just hanging out and with whom you can keep a level of friendship outside of sex. This person should be someone that respects you enough to talk to you and take your feelings into account. But they aren't as close as your friend with benefits. Catch my drift?
Booty Call: Now here is the one I think most Xangans get confused with. Booty call is strictly a sex-only relationship. You are their person to fuck when you're available. After that you get your clothes back on and you leave. No strings attached. No feelings, no relationship, nada.
What people don't seem to understand is that the no-strings-attached part of a fuck buddy just means no relationship. That doesn't mean no friendship. Me, personally, I couldn't be a booty call. I need someone to give me some level of comfort and respect if he's going to do me. I mean, hey, I won't judge you or anything for being a booty call. If you can do someone and remove all emotion from it, then go you. But I'm not that type of person and I don't want to be.
Why Fuck Buddies Don't WorkOkay so like I've said, I've had a lot of fuck buddies over my two years in college. By the end of high school, my number of partners was 3 and now, after only two years in college, that number has at least quadrupled (I refuse to give out my number because of certain people). However, even then that doesn't mean this system always works. Why?
Women are emotional creatures. During sex we release oxytocin. One of the side effects of this chemical is we become attached to whatever we are trying to procreate with (obviously, with a fuck buddy we aren't trying to procreate, but either way, those are the signals we are giving our bodies.). We might go into this relationship telling ourselves, "This will go nowhere, I don't want this to go anywhere," but we rarely stay that way. We eventually become attached, frustrated, and then the fights start. It sucks, but that's life.
Even with this potential problem, I still believe the option of fuck buddies is a good idea. Just remember to be mature about it and you'll be fine. Remember, this person isn't your boyfriend/girlfriend. You shouldn't expect him or her to rise up and do boyfriend/girlfriend stuff for you. However, a fuck buddy should be a friend to you. He or she should be friendly with you and respect you. They should care for you (to an extent).
If you want some cold blooded I-don't-give-a-crap-about-you sex, then look for a booty call.
I believe having someone that you can have fun with as friends, and then come home and get a little sexy with is a good idea. Sex is a good stress relief and it plain old feels great! I believe that we, as people, have made sex too sacred. I'm not criticizing the people that wait; more power to them! But I don't see anything anything wrong with making sex a part of your regular lifestyle.
Sex is important with any relationship, whether it's with a significant other or not. It's a good and healthy way to spend some time with your friend. I've enjoyed all my fuck buddies (even though some of them were the biggest douchebags) but it's something I encourage people to do. It's good to experiment and its good to have someone that's willing to experiment with you.
True
Comments (47)
oh jeez, not this again lol put this into the urban dictionary while you're at it
fwb seems to be very bitter towards society or mainly xanga, very understandable though
bless your hearts.
So how does it ever work out if the woman always releases that chemical that makes her attached to the other person? I don't understand that.
Oh my! It actually got posted! I'm so excited.
Maybe I should have added this to the bottom, but a big note I want to make here is that having casual sex does not mean you are disrespecting yourself. You are only disrespected when you allow yourself to. As long as you are both consenting and mature about it, there is no reason you both can't respect and accept each other.
@Meowmeowkimmaee@xanga - It gets you attached unconsciously but that doesn't always mean you'll form a strong enough connection to want to stay with someone. In my personal opinion this is a good thing, I'd rather have some form of attachment (as I said, I don't want to be a booty call).
I actually like this. It's a good break-down of how it all goes down. Someone needs to put that in the College 101 manual for new-comers. Would save a lot of drama for some people, I'm sure!
so agree with this! 100% great way to define it
Good grief, Datingish...ANOTHER one of these?!?!??
I believe that we, as people, have made sex too sacred
Seriously? If sex was truly sacred there would be no need for a post like this.
I need someone to give me some level of comfort and respect if he's going to do me. He or she should be friendly with you and respect you...They should care for you (to an extent).
"To an extent"? Seriously?? How sad if that's the normal standard for sex nowadays.
Sex is important with any relationship, whether it's with a significant other or not.
Well if that's true why aren't we hooking up with everyone all over the place? Including our bosses, teachers, co-workers, doctors...?
yeah, i think i'll stick with only screwing the person i love.
i think it's hilarious they censored some of the f-bombs.
i'm guessing this wasn't the author's fault either...
@sarahzthoughts@xanga - People are hooking up with their bosses, co workers, teachers
It happens more than is let out but not as much as we think. Of course I would think the reason for this is because of cultural norms and acceptance. I think in almost any population it's inappropriate to sleep with someone like a professor or employer.
We made sex sacred and that's whats causing all these posts. If anything most of the posts on datingish have been negative to the concept and I'm just letting people know that casual sex does not equal disrespect. It's a choice you make and lots of people live happily with it.
@eowynnabeeowyn@xanga - haha I didn't notice that. Yea not my fault, I don't censor on my page. :P
This f-buddy debate has been done. I know because I was in the great xanga booty call war of 2008 (or was it 2009?). Different people prefer different lifestyles. It is futile for one side to try to convert the other. Some of us prefer the player lifestyle while others want the domestic life. Let's just leave each other alone and find our own happiness.
@coolmonkey@xanga - haha I wish it was that easy. :P
As I said up there, if other people want to wait and do their thing it's fine. I understand that this lifestyle isn't for everyone. But I get sick of people attacking the fuck buddy life style over and over.
seriously... f-buddies? ugh...
they never never never work - and you don't need to be all smart sounding to paint a really simple picture.
Bottom line - SOMEONE ALWAYS DEVELOPS FEELINGS IN THE END. It's that simple. really... no oxytocin is needed.. nothing - one person gets feelings, the other is just wanting sex - and then you have conflict, and then its over. Period!
If you want sex and don't want a relationship, go have a one night stand. No commitment, no strings, no nothing - get it done, get it over with, and move on.
Soooo simple.
@Jack_Daniels_Distillery@xanga - Except no? I've had plenty of fuck buddy relationships then didn't end with feelings being hurt. They simply ended when they got a girlfriend lol.
And trust me, while that problem does cut most FWB relationships short it doesn't mean it does the same to all.
@thinkin_up_dreams@xanga - there are always exceptions to the rule you know - nothing is ever black and white. Want a cookie?
How about a fuck buddy? :P
@Jack_Daniels_Distillery@xanga - haha so you see my point then?
And a cookie would be lovely with the chocolate milk I'm having (true fact).
@Jack_Daniels_Distillery@xanga - That may be, but some people are just short-term daters anyway. My attention span won't last more than a month with anyone no matter how pretty/smart/sexy she is. Whether we end it on a sour or happy note, it really doesn't matter to me because I'll just find a replacement.
@thinkin_up_dreams@xanga - Look, I agree with you. Casual sex - nothing wrong with it. Having multiple casual sex partners so long as you are protecting yourself - more power to ya. It won't make the universe stop moving one bit. In fact, this was a practice way back in the days of emperers an empires! Powerful men would hoard all the fertile beautiful women so that they could have them for procreation and pleasure purposes - and they wouldn't share. They, those very same people developed rules and regulations (monogamy and so forth) to make it seem that it was bad to have multiple partners at once.
Not saying I am all about going out and getting married to many wives - i am not. My take is that unless you are committed to someone, there is nothing wrong with it so long as you are honest.
However, this is where this all stems from and why today, after eons, we have such controversy over it. People are finally realizing that it isn't bad to do what you want so long as you protect yourself and at least consider the feelings of those around u. If you just wanna go out and bang anyone and lead them on - karma is a bitch. But if you are open and up front about it... then i say - more power to ya!
No to your cookie - i don't give things away for free - gotta earn them sweetcheeks!
@coolmonkey@xanga - There is a lot i can say about this, but... to each their own is the simple answer. I have just found that someone always gets attached so I stay away.
Heh.. man i could be soooooo mean with this response - every ounce of me is concentrating on simply keeping it on the DL.
@Jack_Daniels_Distillery@xanga - Release the beast.
@coolmonkey@xanga - man i can't resist.. i am posting on my site... warning if you show up to read it - u put your life in your own hands.. sorry - this is just too good of material to let slide
and idk about having "comfort" in a fwb/fb...that getting attached.
I thought the whole point to fwbs/fbs/booty calls/one night stands was that fact that its just sex? and only sex. once you start cuddling and hanging out, you develop feelings and a comfort.
Idk. I dont personally see myself doing either of those. But i dont care what others do.
Xo
@Jack_Daniels_Distillery@xanga - Might as well tag me while you're at it.
@JessxMaxine@xanga - ah and that's what I'm hoping to stop.
Fuck buddies and friends with benefits is not only about sex. That's more of a booty call thing.
With the first two you should have a level of friendship and respect in the mix.
@Jack_Daniels_Distillery@xanga - haha well I'm hoping that would be one of the points of my blog. That as long as you are mature and realistic about the terms of your relationship then things should go by smoothly. Thank you for understanding, most people just seem to pick their side and think everyone else is wrong. If it seemed like I was attacking you I really wasn't! lol. I was just responding.
@Jack_Daniels_Distillery@xanga - Actually, I disagree. Some people don't want a one night stand, because let's just say (to make things simple for you) that person is really good in bed and you want to come back for more? What if you don't want to get a number like 100 by the time you are 20 when you can just keep it casual with someone you are comfortable with and used to? What if you know that person and get close (like the fuck buddy relationship, the next step below a BF/GF relationship, you just have decided not to take it to that level... mutual of course) and you realize you can trust that person, and know you are less likely to be at risk of catching STD's?
So really, everyone has different reasons for what kind of sexual relationship they choose to have with someone. It is NOT that simple, everyone has a certain way that works for them and apparantly, this isn't the way that works for you. So really, you don't have to agree or choose that as your lifestyle, but I hope this gave you a little bit of understanding to the situation.